ARSENIC AND OLD LACE Written by Julius J. & Philip G. Epstein Adapted from the play by Joseph Kesselring CREDITS Credits roll, in white letters, on several funny cartoons, all of them about witches and witchcraft (a caldron over a fire, with two witches on either side of it - A close-up of one of the witches - A witches falling down from the sky on her broomstick, and loosing her hat in the fall - A furious black cat spitting at an owl seated on a branch - A carafe with two glasses, actually a direct reference to the film - An Halloween pumpkin pressing her two forefingers in its ears, with music notes around it - Black bats flying over a village). BROOKLYN - GENERAL OVERVIEW - EXTERIOR DAY A general overview of Brooklyn, near New York, seen from the roof of a very high building. Written in white letters on this overview, the following words : This is a Hallowe'en tale of Brooklyn, where anything can happen-- and it usually does. Then : At 3 P.M. on this particular day, this was happening- Several white circles move on the screen, then the whole screen is covered by a huge base ball, with «Brooklyn» written on it in black letters. BASEBALL GAME - SPECTATORS - EXTERIOR DAY Close-up of the face of man, screaming : BASEBALL FAN I'll knock your block off, you big stiff ! You're a bum ! The camera moves away, so we can see the other baseball spectators behind the first one. BASEBALL FIELD - EXTERIOR DAY General view of a baseball field, where a game is being played. Follow several very quick sequences (one or two seconds each) : A general view of the spectators. Then a player throwing a ball. Then a very excited brass band playing. Then a few very excited spectators. Then another player throwing a ball. Finally we see a batter missing his ball. We hear the Umpire, standing behind the catcher and heavily covered with a protection suit, yelling : THE UMPIRE Strike ! You're out ! The batter, who missed the ball, drops his bat on the ground and comes back to the Umpire. He tears the Umpire helmet and mask away, and gives him a good punch in the nose. The Umpire falls on the ground. The catcher then hits the batter. The Umpire rises slowly from the ground. Several very quick sequences : The ball-thrower drops his glove and runs to the fight. Then several excited spectators stand up to join the fight. Several player, who were waiting for their turn to go on the field, also run to the fight. Then a view of the fight, where all the players are hitting each other. Then the popcorn seller, dropping his basket to join the fight. Then spectators jumping over the balustrades to join the fight. Then another view of the players fighting. Then a final view of the Umpire, laying on the field and leaning on one elbow, and quietly munching some food. NEW YORK - A BRIDGE - EXTERIOR DAY We see a large view of a bridge with a white boat passing underneath. Written in large white letters on the screen, the words : While at the same time across the river in the UNITED STATE PROPER there was a romance in the air. MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU - INTERIOR DAY Close-up on the sign «MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU», with people passing underneath. AN EXCITED GIRL VOICE Elmer, here it is. A MORE QUIET MALE VOICE I knew you'd find it. ANOTHER MALE VOICE Boy, I could sure use a drink. The camera gets down from the sign to floor level. Two journalists are approaching, one equipped with a camera. THE PHOTOGRAPHER I wonder if any big shots are getting married today ? They stop at the door of the room. Larger view of the room, where several people are, either standing in a queue, either sitting at a table and filling forms, either chatting in groups of two or three Back to the two journalists still standing a the door. THE OTHER JOURNALIST Looks like the same suckers get married every day. He looks around for a few second, then starts to move away. THE OTHER JOURNALIST Come on. The photographer makes him come back. He points to someone in the room. THE PHOTOGRAPHER Hey, the guy with the cheaters. In a line of people queueing in front of a counter, we see Mortimer Brewster, with a hat and a pair of large dark glasses. He turns around and notices the two journalists looking at him. He raises the collar of his black coat to try to hide his face. The girl in front of him turns around to look at him. She has blonde curly hair and wears a hat with a strange white feather. She is Elaine Harper. With both his hands, Mortimer turns her face back toward the counter. Back to the two journalists at the door of the room. THE OTHER JOURNALIST Now what's he hiding from ? He starts moving to get a better look at Mortimer. Mortimer moves in front of Elaine, who smiles. The two journalists are now in the room, and they look at Mortimer. THE OTHER JOURNALIST Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? THE PHOTOGRAPHER Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic ? Mortimer looks very embarrassed. Back to the two journalists. THE OTHER JOURNALIST No, it's not him. But what a scoop it would be ! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible finally getting hooked himself. Nope. It's too good to be true. Come on, let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go home. THE PHOTOGRAPHER Hey, let's stick around, and see who the guy is. Back to the line of people waiting in front of the counter. The marriage clerk is standing behind a set of metal bars. A couple of people leaves the counter. It's now Mortimer and Elaine's turn. The marriage clerk sings : THE CLERK "Two by two they come and go. Hip hip hig hay !" He smiles to Mortimer and Elaine. THE CLERK Good morning, children. Your name, please ? ELAINE Elaine Harper. She spoke in a very soft voice. The clerk put his hand around his ear. THE CLERK Speak a little louder. She speaks louder. ELAINE Elaine Harper. THE CLERK Thank you. Yours ? Mortimer comes very close to the bars above the counter and whispers. MORTIMER Mortimer Brewster. The clerk puts his hand back around his ear. The two journalists are straining their own ears to be able to understand Mortimer's name THE CLERK How's that ? Mortimer raises his glasses, but still whispers. MORTIMER Mortimer Brewster. THE CLERK Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. Mortimer bends down, putting his chin at the counter level. Then he stands up again, and opens the gate in front of the clerk. He knocks his head on the bar above the gate. He straightens his hat, and brings his face close to the clerk's one. He still whispers. MORTIMER I want to keep this undercover. THE CLERK Love her ? But of course you love her. You're going to marry her, aren't you ? MORTIMER No-no, you don't understand. Come here, come. With his finger, he signals the clerk to come close to him. MORTIMER You see, I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. THE CLERK You're who ? Mortimer stops controlling himself and starts yelling MORTIMER Mortimer Brew... He doesn't finish telling his name, takes Elaine's hand, and runs outside the room, dragging Elaine behind him. The two journalists react to the news. THE OTHER JOURNALIST That's him ! They start running after Mortimer. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE BUREAU - INTERIOR DAY Still dragging Elaine, Mortimer runs in the corridor. THE OTHER JOURNALIST (voice over) Mister Brewster ! Mortimer pushes Elaine into a telephone booth and enters behind her. There is already a man in the booth who is using the phone. With three people in the booth, Mortimer can hardly close the door behind him. The two journalists runs in the corridor. THE OTHER JOURNALIST Oh, Mister Brewster ! But they pass the booth without noticing that Mortimer is inside. In the booth, the man, still holding the phone receiver, tries to protest the intrusion. THE MAN ON THE PHONE Now, look... Mortimer takes the receiver from him and speaks into it. MORTIMER Goodbye, dear. He hangs up the receiver, and then pushes violently the man outside the booth. The man looks very angry, but doesn't try to come back in the booth. In the booth, a very exciter Mortimer is talking to Elaine. MORTIMER Don't you understand ? How can I marry you ? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene in every play. I've written four million words against marriage ! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and not only a minister's daughter but a girl from Brooklyn. And look at the way you look ! What is that sort of contraption you've got there ? He taps on a pin on the lapel of Elaine's jacket. ELAINE That's a pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know what they're saying, "Something borrowed..." MORTIMER Yeah, I know that "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes. Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe I made fun for years. Is this what I've come to ? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. And that's that. He takes his glasses off. Elaine whispers : ELAINE Yes, Mortimer. MORTIMER What do you mean, «Yes, Mortimer» ? Aren't you insulted ? Aren't you going to cry ? Aren't you going to make a scene ? ELAINE No, Mortimer. MORTIMER And don't «No, Mortimer» me, either ! Don't you see marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's... a... a... Ohh !... He kisses her very passionately. He stops kissing her, and gets out of the booth, dragging her behind him. They enter the marriage bureau. MARRIAGE LICENSE BUREAU - INTERIOR DAY They get back a the end of the line of people waiting to be married. The girl in front of Elaine winks to Elaine. Elaine winks back to her. A man in front of the girls turns toward Mortimer and smiles to him, in a slightly idiotic way. Mortimer looks at him, a bit surprised, and gives him a forced smile, showing his teeth. BROOKLYN - RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT - EXTERIOR DAY We see a street in Brooklyn, in front of nice house. Written on the screen in large white letters : And now, back to one of Brooklyn's most charming residential districts-- BROOKLYN - CHURCHYARD - EXTERIOR DAY A churchyard, with a close-up on a tombstone : «Jacob John Vendemeer died 1654». Written on the screen in large white letters : --From her in you're on your own. We see the gate of the churchyard, with a plate that says : «This cemetery was established in april 1654» Along this gate, two cops are doing their beat. The older one, Sargent Brophy, is talking to the younger one, Officer Patrick O'Hara. BROPHY O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't seem to realize. I'm turning over to you the nicest, the best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. O'HARA Did George Washington ever do any sleeping around here ? BROPHY Of course he did. Well, this whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. And look at that old house there. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR DAY Walking their beat, the two cops have come outside the Brewster sisters residence. O'HARA Are the original owners still over there ? BROPHY Now, don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like... they're like pressed rose leaves. They have come near a police call box. Brophy takes a key out of his pocket to open the box O'HARA Pressed rose leaves ? In front of the house, there is a «Room for Rent» sign. While Brophy picks up the phone in the call box, O'Hara looks at the sign. O'HARA The old girls must be kind of hard up, huh ? BROPHY No, no. Their old man left them fixed for life. And don't you call them «the girls», either. Brophy starts talking in the receiver of the call box. BROPHY Brophy. Is Lieutenant around ? O'HARA Then, so why here do they rent a room for ? BROPHY They don't rent rooms. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room, they wouldn't go away without a good meal and probably a couple of bucks in their pockets. That's just their way of digging up people to do good to. We get a closer view of the front of the house. A large rectangular stone, with «Brewster» engraved on it. A group of children runs in front of the house. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY In the forefront of the room, Teddy Brewster is playing Mozart's Turkish March on the harpsichord. He looks a bit like late President Theodore Roosevelt. And he is dressed like the President was dressed on the official pictures we've got of him... And, like the President, he is wearing a pince-nez. In another corner of the room, Abby Brewster is having tea with Reverend Harper, Elaine's father. She looks like an old English lady, a bit like Agatha Christie's Miss Marple. ABBY Reverend Harper, I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer just because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater every night. REVEREND HARPER It's not so much that I disapprove of his being a critic, but no man, no man with this published attitude on marriage... Close-up on the book Reverend Harper just took on the table : «Marriage, a Fraud and a Failure, by Mortimer Brewster». REVEREND HARPER ...should take any man's daughter anyplace... He sneezes. REVEREND HARPER ...at any time. He sneezes again, louder this time. Teddy stops playing and there is a puzzled look in his eyes. TEDDY I must be catching cold. ABBY (to Teddy) No, dear. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. (to Reverend Harper) Bless you. Teddy puts back in his pocket the handkerchief he had taken out and starts playing again. ABBY We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. He's so very much in love with her. And Sister Martha and I are so happy about it. He used to come to see us only occasionally, and now, now he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR DAY The two cops, Brophy and O'Hara, are mounting the steps to the Brewster sisters house. BROPHY Remember now, watch your language. O'HARA Besides, you know I'm not a swearing man. BROPHY You'd be surprised what they'd consider swearing. He rings the doorbell. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY At the sound of the doorbell, Teddy stops playing. ABBY Oh, will you excuse me ? She gets up from her armchair. ABBY No, no, Teddy, dear. Thank you. I'll go. She goes to the door and opens it. ABBY Oh, come right in, Mr. Brophy. The two cops get in. BROPHY Miss Abby, we came for the toys. ABBY Oh yes. O'Hara closes the door. BROPHY This is Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my beat. O'HARA How are you doing ? ABBY May I welcome you to our neighborhood, Mister O'Hara. Teddy, with his teacup in hand, joins the group. He speaks with a very serious expression on his face. TEDDY Gentlemen, what news have you brought me ? Brophy salutes him and stands at attention. BROPHY Colonel, we have nothing to report. Teddy gives an intrigued look to O'Hara, who doesn't seem to understand. Brophy elbows him with the arm which is still saluting. O'HARA Huh ? He eventually understands what his Sargent is trying to tell him. O'HARA Oh no, absolutely nothing to report. He salutes but with a less official attitude than his Sargent. Teddy smiles. TEDDY Splendid ! Thank you, gentlemen. (very serious again) At ease. Brophy puts his arm down. O'Hara looks at his Sargent with a perplexed expression, and takes longer to put his arm down ABBY You know the Reverend Doctor Harper from the church next door ? BROPHY Hello, Reverend. This is Officer O'Hara, the new man on the beat. Teddy looks at O'Hara with a puzzled expression. O'HARA How do you do, sir ? It's nice to meet you. O'Hara looks ill at ease under Teddy's stare. ABBY The toys are on the chair up here, by the library door. O'Hara moves toward the pile of toys. Teddy's eyes are following him with the same puzzled expression. O'Hara feels less and less at ease. ABBY Oh, Teddy, will you run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. They're all packed. REVEREND HARPER That's splendid work you men do, fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Teddy, who has started to mount the stairs to the upper level, stops in his stride, pretends he is taking a sword out of a sheath at his side, points this imaginary sword in front of him and starts running up the stairs, yelling : TEDDY Charge ! When he arrives on the balcony, on which open the bedroom doors, he rushes into his room and slams the door. While Bophy and Reverend Harper remain unmoved, O'Hara, who is standing by the grandfather's clock, jumps and looks at the clock, which chimes once. The minute hand of the clock falls down to the half-hour position. O'Hara is very disturbed and points his stick to his Sargent, who seems to be totally unmoved by the event and laughs with Reverend Harper and Abby. BROPHY It gives us something to do as we are sitting around the station. You get tired of playing cards. Abby moves away from them to the grandfather's clock. She puts the minute hand back into its original position. Brophy and Reverend Harper joins her by the clock. BROPHY So these are the toys ? O'Hara picks up the box in which the toys are stocked. ABBY How's Missis Brophy ? BROPHY Oh, she's better, thank you. But a little weak, still. ABBY Well, I'll better get some beef broth for you to take to her. BROPHY Oh, Miss Abby, please don't bother. You've done so much already. ABBY Oh, Stuff and nonsense ! I won't be a minute. She moves away and exits into the kitchen. REVEREND HARPER Gentlemen, if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are, it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. On the balcony, Teddy gets out of his room with a bugle, and starts playing it very loudly. O'Hara jumps and drops the box with the toys on the floor. Reverend Harper and Brophy seem to be less moved by the event. Brophy stands back and points his finger up to Teddy. BROPHY Oh, Teddy, you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Teddy, still standing on the balcony, answers him leaning on the balustrade. TEDDY But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get the release of those supplies. BROPHY Now don't do that again. Do you hear me ? Teddy goes back into his room, slamming the door behind him. The grandfather's clock chimes once, and the minute hand falls back to the half-hour position. O'Hara jumps and looks at the clock. BROPHY He used to do that in the middle of the night, and neighbors raised Cain with me. They're a little afraid of him anyway. O'HARA Look, Sarge, I promised you I wouldn't swear, but what the heck... He stops in the middle of his sentence, gives a quick look to Reverend Harper, and corrects himself. O'HARA ...What's going on here anyway ? REVEREND HARPER Oh, he's quite harmless. BROPHY He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. So what, there's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. O'HARA Huh ? O'Hara gives a quick look toward the upper landing, and then nods. O'HARA That's right. I'll make a note of it. He's a very interesting character. BROPHY Isn't it a shame, Father, isn't it a shame, Reverend, that a nice family like this should be hatching a cuckoo ? The front door opens and Martha Brewster comes in. Like her sister, she looks like an old English lady. She is wearing a short cape and a hat, and she carries a cylindrical can with a handle. She closes the door. MARTHA Oh, well, now, isn't this nice ! She goes to Brophy and the Reverend. BROPHY Good afternoon, Miss Brewster. MARTHA How do you do, Mr Brophy ? REVEREND HARPER Good afternoon, Miss Brewster. O'Hara has picked up the toys and he joins the group. MARTHA Reverend Harper, how do you do ? BROPHY Oh, Miss Martha, this is Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my duties. O'HARA How do you do, ma'am ? MARTHA I'm very glad to know you. Abby comes out of the kitchen, carrying a cylindrical can, similar to the one her sister is carrying O'HARA Thank you. Abby joins the group. ABBY Oh, Martha, you're back. She gives the can to Brophy. Meanwhile, Martha has taken her cape off. ABBY Here's the broth for Missis Brophy. Be sure it's good and hot. BROPHY You bet I will, and thank you very much. Teddy is getting down the stairs, carrying a box full of toys under his arm. He stops a few steps from floor level TEDDY The Army and Navy are ready for action. He resumes his walking down the stairs. BROPHY Oh, Colonel, this is grand. It'll make a lot of kids happy. Brophy takes the box from Teddy. Teddy looks into the box O'Hara is carrying, and takes a model warship out of the box. TEDDY What's this ? The Oregon ? MARTHA Oh, Teddy, dear, put it back. She has taken her hat off. TEDDY But the Oregon goes to Australia. ABBY Now, Teddy... Teddy tucks the model ship under his arm. O'Hara looks at him with puzzled eyes. TEDDY No, it goes to Australia. BROPHY These are lovely. Thank you very much. ABBY Not at all. Brophy moves toward the front door. O'Hara follows him, still looking at Teddy. Teddy doesn't seem to like the way he looks at him, and moves the toy ship away from him. BROPHY The children will go crazy. He has reached the front door. Abby has moved near the door, ready to open it for him. ABBY Oh, now, don't mention it. O'Hara salutes Teddy. O'HARA Well... So long, Colonel. Teddy looks at him and then looks at Brophy, who doesn't salute him. O'Hara elbows his Sargent with the arm which is saluting. O'HARA Hey, Sarge. BROPHY Hey ? Brophy looks at Teddy and understands the situation. He also salutes Teddy. BROPHY Oh, yes. Teddy salutes them. TEDDY Dismissed ! Brophy and O'Hara bring their arms down. BROPHY Well, goodbye and thank you. ABBY Good bye. Abby opens the front door. The two cops start going out, Brophy first. ABBY Careful of the step here now with the toys. BROPHY Good night. O'Hara goes out, and then comes one step back and shows his face behind the door. He winks to Teddy. Teddy raises his eyebrows. TEDDY Young man, let that be a lesson to you. O'Hara chuckles, then makes a strange face, and goes out. ABBY Goodbye. She closes the door, and goes back to her sister and Reverend Harper. ABBY Well... REVEREND HARPER Well, I must be going. Teddy, still carrying his model warship, starts mounting the stairs, stops after a few steps, takes his imaginary sword out, points it forward and runs upstairs, yelling : TEDDY Charge ! He reaches the balcony, turns toward the balustrade and yells. TEDDY Charge the blockhouse ! He goes into his room and slams the door behind him. We hear the grandfather's clock chiming once. Reverend Harper looks up at the balcony, then turns to the Brewster sisters with puzzled eyes. REVEREND HARPER Blockhouse ? MARTHA Oh, the stairs are always San Juan Hill. REVEREND HARPER Oh, I... But Reverend Harper doesn't finish his sentence and sneezes very loudly. He takes his handkerchief out of his pocket to put it under his nose. ABBY Bless you ! REVEREND HARPER Have you ever tried to persuade him he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt ? ABBY Oh, no ! She goes to the grandfather's clock. MARTHA Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. Abby moves the minute hand of the clock back in place. ABBY Oh, do you remember, Martha ? She comes back to her sister and Reverend Harper. ABBY Once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it. MARTHA And do you know what happened ? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Reverend Harper laughs. REVEREND HARPER Well, if he's happy, and what's more important, you're happy... He starts walking toward the front door, followed by the Brewster sisters. He reaches the door and opens it. MARTHA Oh, our only worry for Teddy is after we are gone. They all go out. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR DAY The three of them are coming out of the house. REVEREND HARPER Yes, indeed. That is quite a problem. ABBY But Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. REVEREND HARPER Splendid idea ! A very pleasant place. MARTHA Yes... Reverend Harper put his hat back on his head, and starts walking toward his own house. ABBY Dear, sweet Reverend Harper. The two sisters look at him. We see him cross the churchyard and enter his house. ABBY You know, Martha, I really do believe he's beginning to see the light. They start walking back to the door of their house. MARTHA I'm sure we needn't worry about him. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY The two sisters enter their house. Martha closes the door. MARTHA Oh, did you just have tea ? ABBY Yes. And dinner's going to be late, too. MARTHA Ohh ! Why ? They both turn their heads toward the stairs, because they just heard Teddy's door slamming. ABBY Teddy ?... She goes to the stairs, followed by Martha. Teddy is coming down. ABBY Oh, Teddy, good news for you. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. She points her finger toward the cellar door. Martha seems delighted by the news. TEDDY Delighted ! He rubs his hands TEDDY That's bully ! Just bully ! I shall prepare at once for the journey. He starts mounting the stairs, stops and goes back a few steps down, takes his imaginary sword out, points it forward, and runs upstairs, yelling : TEDDY Charge ! Before Teddy slams his door, Abby put her hand on the face of the clock to prevent the minute hand falling down. MARTHA Abby ! While I was out ? ABBY Yes, dear. I just couldn't wait for you. I didn't know when you'd be back, and Reverend Harper was coming. MARTHA But all by yourself. ABBY Oh, I got along fine. MARTHA I'll run right downstairs and see. She goes to the cellar door. ABBY No, no, dear. There wasn't time. And I was all alone. Martha looks around in the room, then looks at her sister with questioning eyes. MARTHA Well ? ABBY Martha, just look in the window-seat. She points to the large chest-bench under the window. Martha seems delighted and both sisters go to the window-seat. They bend down to raise the lid of the seat, when someone taps on the window above the seat. The two sisters stand up and move the curtains revealing Elaine's face. ABBY Oh ! It's Elaine ! Elaine raises the window and kisses the two sisters. ELAINE You, darlings. She winks at them, and then runs away. MARTHA But, Elaine ! ABBY What did she mean ? You don't suppose they've gone and... Martha puts her hand over her mouth. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR DAY A taxi cab has stopped in front of the Brewster sisters house. The driver is half inside the back of his car, apparently looking for something. Mortimer is already out of the cab. He is whistling. He raises his hand and yells : MORTIMER Elaine ! Elaine is crossing the churchyard to go to her father's house. She stops and turns around to look at Mortimer. On one of the tombstones is engraved the name «Amanda Brewster» and the dates : «1813-1863». The Brewster sisters, who were bending out of their window to get a better view of the scene, are coming back in, looking extremely happy. The cab driver gives his coat to Mortimer. CAB DRIVER Listen, buddy. This old cab has seen osculation but... He whistles and goes back inside the back of the car to look for other missing items. MORTIMER You ain't seen anything yet. You've got to drive us to the station. The driver comes out of the cab, holding a hat. CAB DRIVER You'd better take her hat. MORTIMER Oh thanks. The driver goes back inside the car. CAB DRIVER Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a... And her brooch. He gives Mortimer the brooch. MORTIMER If you find her hairpins, you can keep them. Hold on to that. He gives his coat back to the driver and runs away. CAB DRIVER Yeah ! Mortimer runs across the churchyard to meet Elaine. We see the two Brewster sisters peeking behind the curtains of their window. MARTHA There they are. Mortimer gives Elaine her hat. She doesn't take it. MORTIMER Here's your hat. ELAINE Just throw it. I don't like that look in your eyes. MORTIMER What ? What's the matter ? ELAINE Father preached in sermon about it only last Sunday. MORTIMER He did ? He did ? What did he say ? What did he say ? Elaine is trying to avoid Mortimer by going around a tree. ELAINE He was against it. MORTIMER Ah ! But that was only Sunday. He chases her around the tree. They laugh. Mortimer starts clowning. MORTIMER Please ! For heaven's sake ! ELAINE But, Mortimer, right out here in the open with everyone looking ? MORTIMER Yeah ! Right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. He starts chasing her again. Behind their curtain, the two sisters are still peeking. They laugh and then slightly move the curtains open a few inches to have a better look. Back to the tree. The couple is hidden by the tree. They separate and move a little away from each other, each one of them appearing on either side the tree. Elaine drags Mortimer by the hand from behind the tree. ELAINE But, Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too ? MORTIMER One thing at a time. She starts running away from him. ELAINE Oh ! There's that look again ! Mortimer comes slowly from behind the tree, clowning. MORTIMER «There's that look again, Mortimer !» You better get used to it. He becomes more serious and come closer to her. MORTIMER Look like you're going to see it often. It goes just before this. He kisses her very passionately. MORTIMER You know what we're doing, darling ? We're wasting time. Look, I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your old... No, you'd better not tell your father just yet. You'll run that cold of his into a pneumonia. ELAINE Oh, I can handle Father. He's a dear. MORTIMER Look, why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls ? ELAINE Niagara Falls ? Mortimer nods. ELAINE Then that's why you stopped at your office. MORTIMER Yes, certainly ! We're going to go the whole hog. Niagara Falls ! Everybody ought to go to Niagara Falls. You should've seen my secretary's face when I made the reservation. We've got a drawing-room on the train, the bridal suite in the hotel, and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. Elaine kisses Mortimer very passionately. MORTIMER Go on, darling, hurry and pack. ELAINE I don't have to. I started packing the day after I met you. She starts moving away. He holds her back. MORTIMER There, you see ! You see ? That's what I mean. That's what I hate about women. Mortimer kisses her. Back to the cab driver who is pacing in front of his car. He rubs his chin. CAB DRIVER I wonder what Mary's doing now ? Mortimer and Elaine are still kissing. Mortimer lets go of Elaine. He puts her hat on her head. MORTIMER Go on, darling, the train leaves in an hour, and hurry. ELAINE It'll be a few minutes before I'm ready. Father may want to pray over me a little. She moves away. MORTIMER Whistle when you're ready. Oh, Elaine... She turns around. ELAINE Yeah. MORTIMER When you whistle, open the front door fast. If you see a tall, dark streak of light, it's me. He starts running toward his aunts' house. Elaine runs to her father's house. She stops at the door of her house and starts whistling. Mortimer, who had also reached his door, stops and turns around. MORTIMER What ? Now ? He starts running toward her, but she stops him. ELAINE No, not now ! She opens her door. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY The two sisters are eagerly waiting for Mortimer. Martha whispers. MARTHA Look surprised when he tells us. Abby laughs. They hear a door slamming in the next room. MORTIMER (voice over) Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha ! Mortimer rushes into the room and throws his hat on a chair. MORTIMER Hold on to your bustles. We're married. Elaine and I are married. The two sisters hug and kiss Mortimer. ABBY Oh, darling, how wonderful ! Oh, Martha, isn't it wonderful ? They're married! MORTIMER Yeah ! Don't pretend to be so surprised either, you two old frauds. Can I use the telephone, darling ? ABBY Yes, of course. Mortimer goes to the telephone, followed by his two aunts. ABBY Isn't it too, too wonderful ? Mortimer sits at the small desk on which the telephone is, and whistles while dialing. MARTHA And to think that it happened right here in this room ! She dabs her nose with her handkerchief. MORTIMER Oh, now, here, here, now ! Hello ?... Hello ? Benson's Florists ? This is Mortimer Brewster. Did you send those roses to Missis Brewster's apartment ?... You did ? Good. Now, send four dozen more to drawing room A, Canadian Limited, Grand Central Station. Yes... And hurry then. And throw in a flock of orange blossoms. He puts the telephone receiver back on his hook, and he turns on his chair to face his aunts, his arms resting on the back of the chair. ABBY But before you go, we can have our celebration. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. And we'll invite a few of the neighbors in. MARTHA And, of course, a wedding cake. MORTIMER Oh, darling, you won't have time to bake a cake. We're going to Niagara Falls. I've got a taxi waiting. ABBY Oh, it's all ready. It's been ready since.. MORTIMER Yeah, I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her, huh ? He stands up. MORTIMER What is it ? Did everybody in Brooklyn know I was getting married, except me ? MARTHA Oh, we knew you'd find out about it in time. Mortimer laughs and hugs his aunts. MORTIMER Come here. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the world, too. Martha moves away to the kitchen. MARTHA Well, I'll run along and get everything ready. ABBY Oh, dear. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. You know how your books upset him. MORTIMER Well, I'm going to burn all my books. And I'll let the Reverend Harper light the first match. Oh, by the way, did I leave some notes here for my new book ? ABBY You mean «Mind Over Matrimony» ? MORTIMER Yes ! Shhh ! Where are they ? ABBY I hid them someplace... Abby turns to go searching, and Mortimer pats her behind. MORTIMER Come on, come on. Let's go. Abby turns back to him. ABBY Now you behave. She goes away on her search. MORTIMER Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Teddy comes out of his room on the balcony. He is dressed in full colonial costume, complete with pith helmet. He is carrying a shovel and his bugle is stuck in his belt. He walks rapidly down the stairs. He stops a few steps from the ground floor, when he spots Mortimer. He seems very happy to see him. TEDDY Hello, Mortimer ! They shake hands. MORTIMER How are you, Mister President ? TEDDY Bully, thank you. Just bully. What news have you brought me ? Teddy takes off his pince-nez. MORTIMER Just this, Mister President. The country's squarely behind you. TEDDY Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderful ? He puts his pince-nez back on his nose, and shakes hands again with Mortimer. TEDDY Well, goodbye. I'm off to Panama. Teddy walks to the cellar door. Mortimer bends slightly. MORTIMER Goodbye, Mister President. Before he opens the door, Teddy turns to Mortimer. TEDDY A new lock for the canal, you know. He opens the door, and starts walking down the steps to the cellar. Before the door closes back, we can hear him singing : TEDDY «Oh, tell the news to Mother». Abby is still looking for Mortimer's note, and, in a drawer, she finds a piece of paper that seems to annoy her. ABBY Oh, dear. MORTIMER Did you find those notes ? Mortimer senses there is something wrong in his aunt's voice, and walks to her. MORTIMER What's the matter ? She holds the paper for Mortimer to take it. ABBY There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Mortimer takes the picture and looks at it. INSERT - Close-up of the picture. It shows a very ugly child with a very strange face. MORTIMER You ought to put that in the fire with my books. My, what a face ! He gives the picture back to Abby. MORTIMER I remember now. He used to scare grownups with it. Mortimer walks away from his aunt. ABBY Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth ? Mortimer is searching on the small telephone desk. MORTIMER Oh, Jonathan ? Oh, he's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. He walks across the room and starts searching on the table. MORTIMER I saw a play, which had a character in it. Reminded me of Jonathan. ABBY No ? Really? While talking, they both keep on searching everywhere in the room. MORTIMER Yeah. Oh, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called «Murder Will Out». ABBY Oh, dear ! Abby goes into the kitchen. MORTIMER Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up, the first thing you see is a dead body. While talking, he keeps on searching and opens the lid of the window-seat. He gives its insides a quick look and closes it back, and then moves away. MORTIMER The next thing... He stops in his tracks and looks back at the window-seat. He jumps back to it, opens the lid and closes it very quickly. He then sits on the seat with a frightened look on his face. Slowly, he kneels down on the floor, and opens the lid again, but very slowly. He talks to whatever, or whomever, is in the seat. MORTIMER Hey, mister. He remains a few seconds seated of the seat, with a very puzzled face. We hear Elaine whistling. Mortimer tries to whistle back, but no sound comes from his mouth. He tries again, but with no more success. He seems in shock. He looks at the kitchen, then at the seat. There is horror on his face. His two aunts come from the kitchen, singing and carrying things for the celebration. Mortimer shows a forced smile. The two sisters puts things on the table, then they come to Mortimer, who is still seated on the window-seat. Abby is carrying a big bowl of rice, and the two girls start throwing rice on him. ABBY Happy bridegroom ! MARTHA Congratulations, darling ! MORTIMER Never mind that now. I know. Mortimer takes the bowl from Abby's hands and put it on a small table. He remains seated while his aunts are standing in front of him. MORTIMER Now, listen, darlings. Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha, you know how we've always planned to send Teddy to that Sanitarium, Happy Dale ? ABBY Oh, yes, dear. That's after we're gone. They move away to start setting the table. ABBY Yes, we talked with Reverend Harper about it. MORTIMER No, no. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. At once ! Now, he's down in the cellar. Get him up here right away. MARTHA But, there's no such hurry as yet, you know. ABBY No... When Teddy's working on the canal, you can't get his mind on anything else. Mortimer stands up and comes to the table where his aunts are working. MORTIMER Well, look, darlings. Look, I'm frightfully sorry, but I've got an awful shock for you. He takes Abby's hands in his. MORTIMER Teddy's killed a man, darlings ! Martha laughs. MARTHA Nonsense ! MORTIMER (he yells) But there's a body in the window-seat ! ABBY Yes, dear. We know. Mortimer looks even more shocked than before. His two aunts keep on setting the table as if nothing had happened. MORTIMER You know ? MARTHA Of course. ABBY Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Mortimer wants to speak, but Abby stops him. ABBY Now, Mortimer. You just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. MORTIMER Forget ? ABBY We never dreamed you'd peek. MORTIMER What the... Who is he ? ABBY He's a Mister Hoskins. Adam Hoskins. That's really all I know about him, except that he's a Methodist. MARTHA Oh ! He's a Methodist ? Isn't that nice. MORTIMER That's all you know ? But what's he doing here ? What happened to him ? Mortimer is more and more shocked and his aunts, very calmly, keep on putting plates and silverware on the table. MARTHA He died. MORTIMER Look, Aunt Martha, men just don't get into window-seats and die. ABBY No, dear. He died first. Mortimer takes his aunts' hands to stop them from setting the table. MORTIMER Oh, well, now wait ! Stop all this. He takes Abby's hands in his. MORTIMER Now look, darlings, how did he die ? ABBY Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. MORTIMER But, how did the poison get in the wine ? MARTHA Well we put it in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor. MORTIMER You mean you... (yelling) You put it in the wine ? ABBY Yes. And I put Mister Hoskins in the window-seat, because Reverend Harper was coming. Mortimer seems ready to faint. MORTIMER Ohh ! Look at me, darling. He takes again Abby's hands in his. MORTIMER You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body ? ABBY Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice. Abby goes back table-setting and Mortimer holds himself on the edge of the table. MORTIMER Ohh ! It's first-degree. ABBY Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. Martha walks to the kitchen door, but she stops and turns around. MARTHA Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Missis Schultz. She's much better. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. ABBY Well, we must do that, tomorrow or next day. MARTHA Yes, but this time we'll go where we want to go. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. The two sisters enter the kitchen. ABBY No, they ought not to be allowed to make those pictures just to frighten people. Mortimer remains alone in the room. He has the face of someone who thinks he is having a nightmare and hopes to wake up soon. He goes to the telephone desk, picks up the phone and dials «0». MORTIMER Operator ?... Can you hear my voice ?... You can ?... Are you sure ?... He puts the phone down. MORTIMER Then I must be here. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR DAY Elaine is appearing of her room in her father's house. She has got her purse and her gloves. She plays with a large artificial flower. She whistles. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY Mortimer, half-seated on the telephone desk, comes out of his dream, and goes to the window. By signs only, he tries to explain to Elaine that he's got a problem with the window-seat. We don't see her, but we imagine she doesn't understand, because Mortimer rushes to the kitchen. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - INTERIOR DAY Mortimer rushes into the kitchen. MORTIMER Aunt Abby ! Aunt Martha ! He stops abruptly. A group of costumed and masked children are gathered behind the window. Martha is distributing watermelons, pumpkins and pies to them. The children are saying incomprehensible words of thanking. Martha closes the window on them, and switches on the lights. ABBY Oh, the dears. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them ? MARTHA Yes, it is. They have so much fun. They both go back to their cooking work in the kitchen. Martha is preparing some kind of desert in a bowl. MARTHA Now, Mortimer, don't be so impatient. We'll let you lick the bowl out. MORTIMER Lick the bowl ? I don't want to lick the bowl. I want to know what we're going to do ! MARTHA Well, we're going to celebrate, dear. MORTIMER Celebrate ? There's a body in the window-seat ! ABBY Yes, dear. Mister Hoskins. MORTIMER Oh, I know what his name is. I just want to know what we're going to do. We can't turn you over to the police. Mortimer paces the kitchen, while his aunts are busy cooking. ABBY Yes. You just should get stop worrying about it. MARTHA We told you to forget the whole thing. MORTIMER (yelling) Forget ? Look, my dear aunt Martha, can't I make you realize that something has to be done ? Abby leaves the stove where she was working and comes to the table. ABBY Now, Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. MORTIMER But, but Mister Hodgekiss... ABBY Hoskins, dear. MORTIMER But whatever his name is, you can't leave him in there. MARTHA We don't intend to, dear. ABBY No, Teddy's down in the cellar now, digging the lock. Mortimer looks very shocked. MORTIMER Oh, you mean you're going to bury Mister Hodgekiss in the cellar ? MARTHA Oh, yes, dear. That's what we did with the others. MORTIMER Look, here, Aunt Martha. You can't... He comes close to the table where Martha is working. And all of a sudden, he seems to realize what she just said. MORTIMER Others ? MARTHA The other gentlemen. MORTIMER Oh ! When you say «others», do you mean «others» ? More than one «others» ? Martha laughs. MARTHA Oh, yes, dear. Let me see now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby ? ABBY Oh no, dear. This makes twelve. MARTHA Abby, dear, I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven. ABBY No, dear, because I remember when Mister Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. Mortimer seems completely dejected and he sits down, not even listening to his aunts anymore. MARTHA But, look, Abby dear, I really don't think you should count the first one. ABBY Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve. MARTHA It does ? Abby, who is sucking her finger, nods to answer. MARTHA Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes. MORTIMER Makes it twelve. Well... The telephone rings. Mortimer puts his hand to his ear. MORTIMER Hello ? He suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a telephone in his hand. MORTIMER Oh ! He rushes out of the kitchen. ABBY Well, whatever is the matter with Mortimer today ? MARTHA Why, Abby, what do you think happened to him ? They walk out of the kitchen. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY Mortimer sits at the telephone desk and picks up the phone. MORTIMER Hello ? We hear some whistling, coming from the telephone. Mortimer takes the receiver a bit away from his ear, surprised. Then he takes it back. MORTIMER Not now. Not now. For heaven's sake, keep your shirt on ! He slams the phone down on his hook. Then he realizes he has been rude, and picks it up again. MORTIMER Oh... Oh, Elaine, I didn't mean... He realizes there is no one on the phone, and puts it back down. MORTIMER Now, let's see. Where were we ? Twelve. (he yells) Twelve ! He jumps from his chair and rushes toward the kitchen. But, when he sees his two aunts setting the table, he stops and goes to them. MARTHA Yes, dear. Abby thinks we should count the first one. MORTIMER Never mind about that. Just sit down. Martha sits down. MORTIMER Now, tell me, who was the first one ? ABBY Mister Midgely. He was a Baptist. MARTHA He was such a lonely, old gentleman, Mister Midgely was. ABBY All his kith and kin were dead. MARTHA We felt so sorry for him. ABBY And then, when his heart attack came, and he sat there dead in that chair, looking so peaceful. Remember, Martha ? We made up our minds, then and there, that if we could help other lonely, old men to find that same peace, we would. MORTIMER Why, you poor... You mean, he dropped dead right in this chair ? Mortimer realizes it's the chair he's sitting on, and stands up very quickly. ABBY And then, you see, Teddy came up from digging in Panama, and he thought Mister Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. MORTIMER So ? MARTHA So, we all took him down to Panama, and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial. There, now you see ? (she stands up) That's why we told you not to bother about it, because we know exactly what's to be done. Mortimer is sitting on the table, and seems not to know what he must do next. But he suddenly stands up. MORTIMER Wait a minute ! He rushes to his aunts. MORTIMER Come here, darlings. What about the others ? All twelve of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. ABBY Oh, no, dear. Of course not ! MORTIMER Well, so, so... Abby whispers something in Martha's ear. Martha looks at Mortimer, smiles, and whispers back in her sister's ear. MARTHA Mortimer. MORTIMER Wh... what? MARTHA Do you remember those jars of poison that were on the shelves in Grandfather's laboratory all these years ? ABBY You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. MARTHA Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoonful of arsenic, then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. And then, just a pinch of cyanide. MORTIMER Mmmm ! Should have quite a kick. ABBY Yes, as a matter of fact, one of our gentlemen found time to say : «How delicious !» MORTIMER He did ? Well, wasn't that nice of him ? MARTHA Abby, we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. Well, we must get that cake frosted. She moves toward the kitchen, followed by Abby. MORTIMER Oh no, darling, don't worry about the cake. I couldn't eat a thing. ABBY Oh, you newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. MORTIMER That'd be nice, darling, a sip of... A sip of wine ! He stands up. MORTIMER Wine ! He wants to move away, but his foot get entangled in the back of a chair, and he almost falls down. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR DAY Elaine appears at the window of her room. She is arranging the artificial flower on the lapel of her jacket. She moves away from the window. The cab driver is still pacing on the sidewalk near his car. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY Mortimer closes the drapes between the sitting-room and the next room. He then goes to the cellar door and opens the door ajar. A cat meows and comes out through the opening. We hear Teddy singing down in the cellar. MORTIMER I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. He listens to the singing coming from the cellar. MORTIMER He's wonderful. Happy as a lark. Singing away, digging locks. He closes the cellar door. MORTIMER Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Oh, I can see the headlines now : «Murder Incorporator Rides Again» right across the front page. Let me see... Teddy ! Of course. Everybody knows he's crazy. Let me see. Who can I call up ? Dewey, La Guardia, Winchell ? No, Winchell's no good. Old Judge Cullman ! He starts moving across the room, putting his hand in the inside breast pocket of his jacket. MORTIMER I wonder if I got his number. He gets a couple of tickets out of his pocket. He sits at the small telephone desk. MORTIMER What am I doing with tickets ? He throws the tickets on the desk. He picks up the phone, and starts dialing. MORTIMER Information... Hello ? Information ?... Get me the number of Judge Cullman on North Shore Road, Brooklyn. Yeah, would you call me back ? BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT The night has come. Elaine is walking very rapidly on the sidewalk. She passes near the taxi. The driver opens the door for her, but she keeps on walking. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is standing by the window-seat. All the drapes are closed. He bends down. MORTIMER How it would be marvelous if he wasn't there. He slowly opens the lid of the seat. When the lid is a few inches open, he peeks inside. ELAINE (voice over) Hey, you ! When he hears Elaine's voice, Mortimer slams the lid down and sit on the seat. ELAINE Thought you were tall, dark streak of light. She is standing by the half-open door, and she makes the gestures Mortimer made when he had told her the same sentence, earlier in the churchyard. MORTIMER What are you doing here? ELAINE What am I doing here ? Didn't you hear me whistle ? MORTIMER Whistle ? Oh, yes, yes. I heard you whistle. But... He stands up and comes to her in the middle of the room. He gives her a quick kiss. ELAINE Hey, how do I look ? She pivots to show him the way she is dressed. MORTIMER Oh, you look fine, you look fine. Now, run on home. I'll call you up tomorrow. ELAINE Tomorrow ? He pushes her toward the door. MORTIMER Yeah, you know I always call you up every day or two. She laughs. ELAINE Oh ! you and your gags ! Where's your hat ? Come on. The bags are in the taxi. MORTIMER Huh ? Taxi ? Huh, huh, huh ? She is pulling him toward the door. ELAINE Yeah, come on ! MORTIMER Oh, Elaine, I'm so sorry. But something's happened. ELAINE What'd you do, lose your nerve ? Hey, where's that look I was going to see so often ? She takes his head to bring her mouth close to his ear, and then she starts whistling. He moves away and rubs his ear. MORTIMER Oh, stop ! Don't whistle in my ear, please. ELAINE Mortimer, what is wrong ? Look at your hair. He bends down for her to see his hair better. MORTIMER Oh, my God, what color is it ? Quick ! Has it turned ? ELAINE Oh, darling, what's the matter ? What happened ? She starts stroking his face. He bends down on her shoulder. MORTIMER Oh, Elaine, if I could only tell you, Elaine. You smell so nice. The phone rings. Mortimer jumps up MORTIMER Oh ! Oh ! He pushes her out through the open door. MORTIMER You better go home ! ELAINE But, darling, we were married today. MORTIMER All right, go home, go to bed, get some rest ! ELAINE Rest ? He slams the door on her, and rushes to the telephone. He sits down at the desk and picks up the phone. MORTIMER Who ? Who ? Judge Cullman ? The front door opens, and Elaine comes back inside the house. MORTIMER This is Mortimer Brewster. Look, Judge, I'll tell you why I called you. It's about Teddy. Elaine crosses the room and sits on the window-seat. MORTIMER I've got to come over and see you right away. Oh, I'm afraid it won't wait until tomorrow, Judge. Yeah, you see, it's very, very important. We've got to do something about it immediately. But it's practically a matter of life and... Mortimer turns his head and sees Elaine sitting on the window- seat. He drops the phone on the desk, and yells : MORTIMER Elaine ! Elaine, frightened, jumps up from the seat. Mortimer rushes to her. MORTIMER Will you get out of here ? ELAINE Mortimer, what in the world is going on around here ? I don't even know where I stand ! MORTIMER Anywhere, but don't stand there ! He moves her away from the window-seat. ELAINE But, darling, Niagara Falls ! MORTIMER If it does, we'll let it ! ELAINE Now, wait a minute ! Listen. You can't marry me one minute and then throw me out the house the next ! MORTIMER Oh, darling, I'm not throwing you out of the house ! He lifts her and actually throws her out of the house MORTIMER Will you get out of here ? BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Elaine bumps into an old man, Mr. Gibbs, standing just outside the entrance of the house. He is holding a newspaper in his hand. She comes back to the door, but Mortimer slams it in her face. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer locks the door and goes back to the phone BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Elaine is knocking desperately on the door. Gibbs is still behind her. ELAINE Mortimer ! BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is back sitting at the desk and talking into the phone. In the background, we hear Elaine's pounding on the door. MORTIMER I'm sorry, Judge. But... a thing happened. But, Judge, about Teddy, you see... ELAINE (voice over) Mortimer ! MORTIMER Hold it. You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Elaine seems quite angry. ELAINE How do you like that ? Gibbs shows his newspaper to Elaine GIBBS I read an ad here about a room to rent. ELAINE Oh ! Shut up ! She walks away, leaving Gibbs at the door. She walks quickly by the taxi. The driver opens the door for her, but she walks on with quick steps. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is still on the phone. MORTIMER Well, I thought that if you sign the papers, I can get Teddy to commit himself, and get him in Happy Dale... Yes, it's a wonderful place, Judge... You will ?... Fine ! I'll be over right as soon as I've made another call. The front door bell rings. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Gibbs is standing by the door, ringing the bell. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Abby comes in the room from the kitchen. Mortimer is still on the phone. ABBY Doorbell's ringing, dear. She crosses the room to the front door. She opens the door, revealing Gibbs. ABBY Oh, how do you do ? Come in. The kitchen door has remained open, and we see Martha still working on her cooking. GIBBS (voice over) I understand you've got a room to rent. Hearing that, Martha drops her cooking and comes into the room. ABBY Yes... Do step in. Abby opens the door wide for him to get in. GIBBS Well, are you the lady of the house ? ABBY Yes, I'm Miss Brewster. MORTIMER (voice over) Yeah, operator ? Give me long distance, please. Martha has joined her sister. ABBY And this is my sister. Another Miss Brewster. Gibbs takes off his hat. GIBBS My name's Gibbs. Quick shot on Mortimer, still on the phone. He gives a quick look toward his aunts, but doesn't seem interested. ABBY Well, do sit down. I'm sorry, but we're just setting the table for dinner. She moves an armchair on the other side of the table. ABBY Now, this would be a nice comfortable chair. Back to Mortimer. MORTIMER Oh. Hello, long distance ? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium, Happy Dale, New York. Back to Gibbs and the sisters. ABBY Is Brooklyn your home ? GIBBS I haven't got a home. I live in a hotel. Don't like it. MARTHA A... are your family Brooklyn people ? MORTIMER (voice over) Hello ? Hap... GIBBS Haven't got any family. MORTIMER (voice over) Well, operator... ABBY All alone in the world ? GIBBS Yeah. MORTIMER (voice over) No, no... Abby looks at her sister with a knowing smile. ABBY Well, Martha.... MORTIMER (voice over) No, Happy Dale... Yes. ABBY Well, you've come to just the right house. You sit down. She helps him sit down in the armchair, while Martha is bringing a carafe of wine and a glass. MORTIMER (voice over) Dale. «D» like in «dig», you know, when you dig a lock. That's right. «A» like in «arsenic». Got that ? Short close-up on the carafe of wine, now on the table. GIBBS Is there always this much noise ? MARTHA Oh ! He doesn't live with us. Mortimer is standing, with the telephone set in one hand, and the receiver on his ear in the other hand. He whispers. MORTIMER I can see the headlines now. Oh, please. (back to normal voice) Hello ? Back to the table. GIBBS I'd really like to see the room. Well, I don't think I'll like it. He stands up and takes his hat, which he had put on the table. ABBY The room's upstairs. Abby is seated at the table, with Martha standing behind her. She takes the carafe. ABBY Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up ? GIBBS Never touch it. MARTHA Well, we make this ourselves. It's elderberry wine. GIBBS Elderberry ? He puts his hat back on the table and sits down. GIBBS I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. MORTIMER (voice over) Oh... GIBBS Thank you. Abby starts pouring the wine in the glass. MORTIMER (voice over) Operator ! Well, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry ! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium ! Sanitarium ! Sanitarium ! Sanitarium ! Yes, like a broken record ! Gibbs takes the glass from Abby. GIBBS Have your own elderberry bushes ? MARTHA No, but the cemetery's full of them. Gibbs raises his glass. GIBBS Well, skoal. In the background, Mortimer is yelling louder and louder. Gibbs, who had the glass almost to his lips, puts it down. The two sisters watch him with expecting eyes. MORTIMER (voice over) Hello, operator! No, operator, what's taking you so long ? It's only across the river ! I could swim it faster ! Yes ! Hello ! Hello... Gibbs, who had taken the glass back to his lips, put it down once more. MORTIMER (voice over) What ?... What, they're busy ? Busy ? They're busy and you're dizzy ! No, I'm not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea ! A noise of chairs and various objects falling. Mortimer comes to the table and takes the carafe and a glass. Abby, concentrated on Gibbs raising the glass to his lips again, doesn't see him, but Martha does, and seems very anxious about it. She taps her two forefingers together. MARTHA Mortimer ! Ah-ah ah-ah !... Mortimer keeps on pouring the wine in the glass MORTIMER Darling, don't «ah-ah ah-ah», I'm nervous. Don't do this. Abby sees him. She turns around, and very calmly, holds the hand which is holding the glass. ABBY Mortimer. Not that. He puts the glass down, and suddenly realizes the situation. He looks at Gibbs, who has taken the glass to his lips. He yells and Gibbs, frightened, stands up and drops the glass on the floor. Mortimer points his finger at him. MORTIMER Get out of here ! Do you want to be poisoned, do you want to be murdered, do you want to be killed ? Do you ? Gibbs grabs his hat and runs to the front door. Mortimer runs after him and falls over an armchair standing in his way. The two sisters seem very upset. Gibbs gets out and slams the door. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Gibbs runs out of the house, and stops by the cab driver, who is seated near his taxi, smoking a cigarette. GIBBS They... they're nuts ! CAB DRIVER Hey, you're telling me ! Gibbs runs away in the street. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT The two sisters are seated on the window-seat. Mortimer slowly raises himself from the overturned armchair. MORTIMER Look, you can't do things like that ! He stands up and puts the armchair back on its legs. MORTIMER Now I don't know how I can explain this to you, but it's not only against the law, it's wrong. He walks slowly toward them. ABBY Oh, piffle ! Both sisters are sulking. MORTIMER It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He points to the front door and the departed Mr. Gibbs. MORTIMER He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit ! The telephone rings. MORTIMER Oh... Yes... He goes to the desk, sits on the chair, and picks up the phone. MORTIMER Hello ?... Who ?... Oh, Happy Dale Sanitarium ? Oh, that's amazing, operator. Yeah... Happy Dale ? Oh, let me talk to Mister Witherspoon, please. WITHERSPOON'S OFFICE - INTERIOR NIGHT Witherspoon is sitting behind his desk, the telephone receiver to his ear. WITHERSPOON Mr. Witherspoon speaking... Oh, how do you do, Mister Brewster ? How are you ? BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is still at the desk, telephoning. MORTIMER Uh... uh... Well, Mister Witherspoon, do you... Oh, I'm fine, thanks. How are you ? Mister Witherspoon, do you remember that conversation we had about committing my brother Teddy to Happy Dale ?... You do ? Well, we want to commit him there immediately. WITHERSPOON'S OFFICE - INTERIOR NIGHT WITHERSPOON Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, that's too bad. Well, I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Well, you see, Mister Brewster, we have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment, and it would lead to trouble. Oh, trouble... Oh, now, if he thought that... Look, Mr. Brewster, we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. The Bonaparte. And if... Oh... oh, I see. Of course. Well, if your mind is made up. Yes. Yes. Have you had the papers drawn up ? BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT MORTIMER No, but I'm going to attend to it right now and call you as soon as I have them. Thank you, Mister... What ?... All right. Thank you, Mister Witherspoon. He puts the phone down. WITHERSPOON'S OFFICE - INTERIOR NIGHT Witherspoon puts his phone down WITHERSPOON Another Roosevelt. Oh, dear, dear. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer goes back to his aunts, still sitting on the window-seat. MORTIMER Now listen, darlings. I've got to run over to Judge Cullman's, but, before I go, I want you to promise me something. MARTHA Well, we'd have to know what it was first. MORTIMER Well, I love you both very much. And you know I'd do anything in the world for you, don't you ? ABBY Yes, dear. MORTIMER All right, then I want you to do one little thing for me, like good girls. ABBY What do you want us to do ? MORTIMER Don't do anything. I mean, don't do anything ! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. Whosit right where he is. Oh ! Get off that thing. I can't talk to you... I can't concentrate. He makes them stand up from the window-seat. MORTIMER Now, look, darlings, I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to either of you. ABBY But, what on earth could happen to us? MORTIMER Well, darling... Anyway, you'll do that little thing for me, won't you ? All right. Abby nods. MORTIMER Where's my hat ? There it is. He leaves them to pick up his hat. MARTHA But, Mortimer. MORTIMER (voice over) What, darling, what ? MARTHA We were planning to hold services before dinner. MORTIMER Look, couldn't that wait until I get back ? ABBY Oh, and you could join us in the hymns ! MORTIMER Yes, darling, I could join you in the hymns. I'll sing with you, I'll dance with you, I'll do anything. But... remember, don't let anybody in the house until I get back. You promise ? Abby and Martha nod. MORTIMER Good. He puts the hat on his head. The hat is ostensibly to large for him. He opens the front door ABBY (voice over) Mortimer ! He was almost out, but he turns around. MORTIMER What ? Abby points to the hat, but can't talk. ABBY Uh-uh-uh-uh !... MORTIMER Stop that «uh-uh-uh». What is it ? ABBY Mr. Hoskins' hat ! Mortimer raises his eyes, and tears the had off his head MORTIMER Ohhhh !... He throws the hat away, leaves and closes the door. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT The cab driver is pacing back and forth on the sidewalk near his taxi. Mortimer comes running out of the house. The driver goes toward him. CAB DRIVER Do you still want me to wait here ? MORTIMER Yes ! Call me a cab ! CAB DRIVER Yeah. Okay, okay ! They run together and stop in front of the parked taxi. The driver waves his arm. CAB DRIVER Hey, cab !... Here you are. Another taxi stops near the first one. The driver wants to open the back door for Mortimer. MORTIMER Don't open it. I'll sit with you ! CAB DRIVER Yeah, that's right. I can go faster that way. Sure. Mortimer climbs in the front of the taxi, next to the driver. The taxi drives away, and the first driver remains on the street, touching his cap. CAB DRIVER Wait a minute ! What am I doing ? Hey ! He pats his own taxi, points his finger to it and waves for the other taxi to come back. CAB DRIVER Come here ! BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Abby picks up Mr. Hoskins' hat. She brushes it with her hand and gives it to Martha. ABBY Fancy getting nice Mr. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. MARTHA Shame ! Such a nice hat. She crosses the room and, takes a brush on a cupboard near the window-seat, and starts brushing the hat. MARTHA You know, Abby, Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Abby brings two candlesticks on the table ABBY No. Oh, well. Martha opens the cupboard, which is full of man's hats. She puts Hoskins' hat with the others, and then closes the cupboard MARTHA Well, what were you saying about Mortimer ? Abby has lit the candles. ABBY Oh, I think I understand why he seemed so upset. MARTHA Why ? ABBY He's just been married. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. MARTHA Oh, yes. The poor dears. She crosses the room to the door to switch off the lights MARTHA I'm so happy for Elaine. Oh, Abby ! If Mortimer's coming back for the services for Mr. Hoskins, we're going to need another hymnal. There's one up in my room. Knocks at the front door. Through the frosted window-panels of the door, we see the shadows of two men. ABBY Oh, I'll go, dear. MARTHA Abby, we promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. More knocks at the door. Martha peeks through the drapes of a convenient window, a few steps above floor-level on the staircase. MARTHA Abby ! Two men, and I've never seen them before. ABBY Are you sure ? MARTHA Yes. ABBY Let me look. Abby climbs the steps and comes near her sister to peek through the drapes MARTHA You look. The two shadows knock again. MARTHA Do you recognize them ? ABBY No, they're strangers to me. MARTHA Well, we'll just have to pretend we're not at home. The front door opens. The tallest of the two men, dressed in black and wearing a large hat, comes in first. The other one, shorter and hatless, follows him. We get a close-up of the face of the tall man, actually Jonathan Brewster. It's full of scars and it makes him look a bit like Boris Karloff in the Frankenstein films. He looks around the room. JONATHAN Come in, doctor. Doctor Einstein, who was waiting at the door, comes into the room, and closes the door behind him. JONATHAN This is the home of my youth. As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, Johnny, it's a good hideout. He takes a small bottle from an inside pocket of his jacket, and takes a sip at it. JONATHAN The family must still live here. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. DOCTOR EINSTEIN A fatted calf ? Oh, Johnny, I'm so hungry. He comes closer to the table. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Look, Johnny. Drink. JONATHAN As if we were expected. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes. JONATHAN A good omen. Einstein pours some wine from the carafe in a glass. Jonathan takes a glass already full on the table. Abby gets down the few steps, followed by Martha. ABBY Who are you ? What are you doing here ? The two men put their glasses down on the table JONATHAN Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha. It's Jonathan. MARTHA You, you get out of here ! JONATHAN I'm Jonathan, you know. Your nephew, Jonathan. He takes his hat off. ABBY Oh no, you're not. You're nothing like Jonathan, so don't pretend you are. You just get out of here. She points to the door. JONATHAN I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring that Grandma Brewster bought in England. And you, Aunt Martha, still the high collar to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. MARTHA Why, his voice is like Jonathan's. ABBY Have, have you been in an accident ? JONATHAN My face. Doctor Einstein is responsible for that. He's a plastic surgeon. MARTHA But I've seen that face before. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies and I was so frightened ? It was that face. Jonathan turns around and look harshly at Einstein, who seems a bit uneasy. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too, just before I operated. I was intoxicated. Jonathan grabs Einstein's collar and squeezes it. JONATHAN You see, doctor, what you've done to me ? Even my own family think I'm... Einstein has breathing problems because of Jonathan's squeezing. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Johnny, Johnny ! You are home in this lovely house. Jonathan lets go of Einstein, who walks toward the two sisters. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You know how many times he tells me about... about Brooklyn, about this house, and about his aunts he loves so much ? They know you, Johnny. Please tell him so. ABBY Well, Jonathan, it's been a long time. Jonathan sits down. JONATHAN Bless you. It's good to be home again. Abby turns toward Martha, and then goes down the few last steps to floor level. ABBY Well, Martha, we mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. She picks up the glasses on the table. ABBY If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. She goes to the kitchen with the glasses. Martha picks up the wine carafe, to the disappointment of Dr. Einstein, and follows her sister toward the kitchen. Before entering the kitchen, she puts the carafe back on the shelf where it was before. She then closes the kitchen door after her. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Well, Johnny, where do we go from here ? You know, Johnny, we got to think fast. Close-up on the hands of Jonathan playing with a metallic brain- teaser. DOCTOR EINSTEIN The police, they got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mister Spenalzo, too. While talking, he has taken another sip from his bottle. JONATHAN Don't waste any worry on that rat. Einstein stands up. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But we got a hot stiff on our hands. JONATHAN Forget Mr. Spenalzo. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens ? Einstein mimes the breaking of a neck with his hands. JONATHAN We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. JONATHAN Tonight. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. The two sisters are peeking in the room through a small rectangular hole in the door of the kitchen. JONATHAN This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, Johnny. I know exactly what I'm going to do. He comes close to Jonathan and shows him on his face what he is going to do to it. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up... JONATHAN Be careful about the stitches this time. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You leave that up to me. I'll give you nice little ears and... JONATHAN You were careless last time. DOCTOR EINSTEIN And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. You see, I take it together like this... JONATHAN Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. The scene dissolves to : JUDGE CULLMAN'S OFFICE - INTERIOR DAY. The judge is sitting, studying some papers. Mortimer is standing at his side. JUDGE CULLMAN Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. He drops the papers on the desk and starts declaiming. JUDGE CULLMAN Well... «Ours not to reason why, ours but to do...» Mortimer is very irritated by the Judge's erratic attitude. He puts a pen in his hand. MORTIMER Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. JUDGE CULLMAN Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state... Mortimer takes the pen from the Judge's hand and starts signing the papers. MORTIMER Yes, I know, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't I ? JUDGE CULLMAN Only last week I created a mild sensation at the Bar Association, when I said... Mortimer dries the document, and shakes the Judge's hand. MORTIMER Yes. Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. He walks to the door of the office. JUDGE CULLMAN Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. Mortimer comes back on his steps. MORTIMER No ! No ! Oh no ! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never ! JUDGE CULLMAN Why, I... I... I... Mortimer comes back to the Judge's desk. MORTIMER Judge ! Tell me, are you a drinking man ? JUDGE CULLMAN Why, no. I never indulge. MORTIMER Good ! Then you'll live longer. He goes back to the door. JUDGE CULLMAN Of course a little wine now... MORTIMER No ! No ! For heaven's sake, no wine ! No wine ! He goes out, slamming the door behind him. The Judge looks pensively at the door Mortimer just closed. JUDGE CULLMAN I may be committing the wrong Brewster. The scene dissolves to : BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT The Brewster sister are sitting at the table with Doctor Einstein and Jonathan. The dinner is finished, and both men are smoking. ABBY Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. The two sisters stands up from the table. JONATHAN My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner I'm unable to move a muscle. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, it's nice here. Teddy comes out of his room on the balcony. He is still wearing his colonial costume. He has a book in his hand and a spare pith helmet under his arm. He rushes down the stairs. TEDDY I found it ! I found it ! He stops suddenly in the staircase. TEDDY Gentlemen, be seated. Jonathan and Einstein pretend they are standing up, but they immediately sit back in their chairs. Teddy comes down the last steps and goes toward the table. TEDDY Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. He puts the book on the table, in front of Einstein. It's open on a page with a picture. TEDDY Here's the picture I was telling you about, General. Here we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. Einstein looks at the picture. DOCTOR EINSTEIN My, how I've changed ! TEDDY Well, you see, that picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't even started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. He gives the spare helmet to Einstein. ABBY No, Teddy. Not to Panama. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Oh, maybe some other time, Mister President. Panama is a long ways off. TEDDY Nonsense ! It's just down in the cellar. Jonathan, who hadn't seemed to be much interested by Teddy's conversation, suddenly looks up. JONATHAN The cellar ? MARTHA Well, we let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. TEDDY General Goethals ? Einstein slightly raises the hand holding the cigarette to his forehead. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, sir. TEDDY As President of the United States, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy, and the man who gave you this job, I demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. JONATHAN Teddy ! I think it's time for you to go to bed. TEDDY I beg your pardon. Who are you ? JONATHAN I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. TEDDY No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. Let me see... You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle. Jonathan starts standing up with a very menacing face. ABBY I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. Jonathan sits back in his chair. JONATHAN General Goethals, inspect the canal. Einstein stands up and takes his helmet. DOCTOR EINSTEIN All right, Mister President, we go to Panama. TEDDY Bully, bully ! Follow me, General. He opens the door to the cellar, then turns toward Einstein, taps on the helmet Einstein is carrying and then on his own helmet. TEDDY It's down south, you know. Einstein puts the helmet on his head. The helmet is too large for him, and gets down on his eyes. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Oh ! Teddy starts going downstairs. Before following him, Einstein turns around to the others. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Well, bon voyage ! He waves them goodbye and then follows Teddy downstairs. Jonathan has remained seated, with both his aunts standing on the other side of the table. JONATHAN Aunt Abby, I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. ABBY This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Jonathan stands up and looks menacingly at his aunts. While talking, he moves closer to them. They look frightened. JONATHAN Doctor Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remember that, as a boy, I could be disagreeable. It would not be pleasant for any of us if... but I don't have to go into details, do I ? MARTHA Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Einstein appears at the door of the cellar. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny, Johnny. Come here. Quick. He goes back down the stairs to the cellar. JONATHAN Oh, I forgot to tell you, Doctor Einstein and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. We expect to be very busy. He goes to the cellar door. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - CELLAR - INTERIOR NIGHT Einstein is on the staircase, halfway down to the cellar. On the wall behind him, we see the shadow of Teddy digging. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny, down here, what do you think I find ? He takes off his helmet. Jonathan joins him on the stairs. JONATHAN What ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN The Panama Canal. And it just fits Mister Spenalzo. See the hole he's digging. Four feet wide, six feet long. He just fits ! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mister Spenalzo along. That's hospitality. Jonathan smiles and looks upstairs. JONATHAN Rather a good joke on my aunts. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Einstein laughs. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, how do we get him in here ? JONATHAN Yes, we can't just walk Mister Spenalzo in through the door. We'll bring the car up between the cemetery and the house, and after they've gone to bed, we'll bring Mister Spenalzo in through the window. He goes back up the stairs. Einstein follows him. The shadow of Teddy keeps on digging. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny... BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Jonathan comes in through the cellar door, with Einstein following behind him. His two aunts are still standing up in the room. JONATHAN We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed. He crosses the room with Einstein following him. MARTHA The car is all right where it is until morning. JONATHAN I don't want to leave it in the street. That might be against the law. He opens the front door, and gets out, still followed by Einstein. MARTHA Abby ! What are we going to do ? ABBY Well, we're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house, for one thing. But what would the neighbors think ? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. MARTHA And what are we going to do about Mister Hoskins ? ABBY Oh ! Mister Hoskins ! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. And he's been so patient, the poor dear. Well, I think Teddy had better take Mister Hoskins downstairs right away. Teddy enters by the cellar door. TEDDY General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size. From the table, he picks up the book he had shown to Dr. Einstein, and starts looking at it. ABBY Teddy ! Teddy, there's been another yellow-fever victim. TEDDY Dear me ! This will be a shock to the General. ABBY No, Teddy, we must keep it a secret. MARTHA Yeah ! TEDDY A state secret ? ABBY Yes, a state secret. MARTHA Promised ? TEDDY You have the word of the President of the United States. Cross my heart and hope to die. He crosses his chest and spits on the floor. Then, he takes his aunts in his arms. TEDDY Now, let's see. How are we going to keep it a secret ? ABBY Well, Teddy, I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. And then, when I turn out the lights, when everything's dark here, you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. Now get along, Teddy. Teddy crosses the room to the cellar door. ABBY And we'll come down later and hold services. Teddy opens the door, and turns around. TEDDY Where is the poor devil ? ABBY (voice over) In the window-seat. TEDDY It seems to be spreading. We've never had yellow fever there before. MARTHA Abby. I've never even seen Mister Hoskins ! ABBY Oh, my goodness! That's right, you were out. Well, you just come right along and see him now. You know, he's really very nice looking, considering that he's a Methodist. Both sisters go to the window-seat and are ready to lift the lid, when the drapes above the seat suddenly open wide, revealing a very menacing Jonathan. The two sisters back off, frightened. Jonathan slowly climbs in through the window, and stands up on the window-seat. JONATHAN We're bringing the luggage through here. He gets down from the window-seat. Then Einstein appears behind the window, carrying a suitcase. Jonathan helps him to bring the suitcase in the room. ABBY Jonathan, your room is waiting for you. You can go right up. Einstein, still outside the window, gives Jonathan another suitcase. JONATHAN I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. You two run along to bed. ABBY Oh, but you must be very tired. Both of you. And we don't go to bed this early. JONATHAN It's time I came home to take care of you. Behind Jonathan, Einstein has come into the room and is closing the window, and then the drapes. JONATHAN (to Einstein) Take the bags upstairs. Einstein takes the two suitcases and starts moving away. DOCTOR EINSTEIN For the instruments, I'll come back later. ABBY Good night. Einstein slightly bows to Abby. JONATHAN Now, we'll all go to bed. ABBY I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Einstein has already almost reached the balcony. Martha starts climbing, with Jonathan behind her. JONATHAN Run along, Aunt Martha. Just off the laboratory, Doctor. Everybody reaches the balcony. Einstein disappears at the end of the balcony, and Martha enters her room. Jonathan turns around and looks down at Abby. JONATHAN All right, Aunt Abby. ABBY I'll be right up. JONATHAN Now, Aunt Abby ! Turn out the lights. Abby goes to the switch near the front door, and switches the lights off. The room is completely dark. Abby climbs the stairs, reaches the balcony, and walks slowly pass Jonathan, who is still standing at the same place. Then, she quickly enters the room she shares with her sister, who is holding the door open for her. Jonathan moves along the balcony and starts climbing the stairs to the upper floor. He stops after a few steps, and sees the door of his aunts' room opening slowly. Abby comes out. JONATHAN Aunt Abby. Abby quickly goes back into the room and closes the door. Jonathan resumes his climbing. The camera moves down into total black darkness, and then into the room, where we see some light underneath the cellar door. We hear steps, and the door opens to reveal Teddy, still in his colonial costume, but without the helmet. He stops a few seconds, then starts crossing the room, only lit by light coming from underneath the kitchen door. We hear the lid of the window-seat creaking, and we guess Teddy has just opened it. Shuffling noises. Then we see the shadow of Teddy carrying something apparently heavy. We hear the cat screaming, and we guess Teddy must have stepped on its tail. When Teddy comes into the light from the open door of the cellar, we discover he is carrying a human body, which could only be Mr. Hoskins' one taken from the window-seat. Teddy turns around and starts going backward down the steps to the cellar. He stops a few seconds to close the door. Then we hear noises of something falling, and we guess that Teddy must have missed a step and fallen all the way down to the cellar. Black screen during one second. Einstein is going down the staircase, lit only by a match he is holding in his hand. DOCTOR EINSTEIN He's all right, Johnny. When he gets on floor level, he meets Jonathan. JONATHAN I'll open the window. You go round and hand him through. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But he's too heavy for me. He burns his finger and blows the match. The scene becomes completely dark. We see only shadows. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You go outside, Johnny, and push, and I'll stay here and pull. And then together we take him down to Panama. Huh ? JONATHAN All right. We must be quick. I'll take a look around outside the house. When I tap on the glass, you open the window. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah. Jonathan moves to the front door, opens it, stops to look around, and then closes the door. Einstein walks slowly in the room. DOCTOR EINSTEIN It's dark in here. He bumps into something. We hear the lid of the window-seat creaking several times. Einstein light another match, and we discover he has fallen into the open window-seat, where he is now lying DOCTOR EINSTEIN Where am I ? Oh, here I am. He slowly gets out of the seat. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Who left this open ? Jonathan taps on the window. Einstein blows the match and opens the window. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Johnny ? We see only shadows in the dark, but we guess Jonathan is handing Mr. Spenalzo's corpse to Einstein, who will then put it in the window-seat. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Okay, Johnny, wait a minute. Hand him over. Now I have him. «Allez !» Up ! Now, wait a minute, Johnny. You lost a leg somewhere. Hey, help me. He's so heavy. Now I have him. Now I got him. JONATHAN Be careful. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Oh, but his shoe came off. Help me, Johnny. He's so heavy. Now I've got him ! Knocking at the door. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny, somebody's at the door. Go open, quick. I'll manage Spenalzo. Go, quick ! Some more knocking. We hear the creaking of the lid of the window- seat, and we guess Einstein is closing it. The front door opens slowly, and Elaine enters the house. ELAINE Mortimer ! Aunt Abby ! We see the frightened face of Einstein. ELAINE (voice over) Aunt Martha ! Jonathan enters through the front door left open by Elaine, closes it and locks it. ELAINE (looking frightened) Who is it ? Is that you, Teddy ? JONATHAN Who are you ? ELAINE I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door. JONATHAN What are you doing here ? ELAINE I came here to see my husband, Mortimer. JONATHAN Why did you say your name was Harper ? ELAINE Well, it is Harper. I mean, it's Brewster. I'm not very used to it. I'm a brand-new Brewster. Einstein goes to the front door and switches the lights on. JONATHAN Doctor ! DOCTOR EINSTEIN It's all right, Johnny. It's okay. Einstein has his little bottle in one hand, and, with the finger of the other hand, he tries to explain to Jonathan that the corpse is safely in the window-seat. Jonathan looks at Einstein, and then goes across the room to look around. He even moves the drapes of a window to look outside. ELAINE (voice over) Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. Jonathan keeps on checking around. He goes to the window above the window-seat, and looks outside. JONATHAN We happen to live here. He spots an orphan shoe on the floor and picks it up. ELAINE (voice over) You don't live here. I've been in this house every day, and I've never seen you before. Where are Miss Martha and Miss Abby ? What have you done to them ? Einstein tries to explain to Jonathan, without using words, that the shoe belongs to the corpse in the window-seat. JONATHAN Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Doctor Einstein ? He puts the shoe on the table, then lifts the tablecloth to look underneath it. ELAINE Doctor Einstein ? JONATHAN A surgeon of great distinction. And something of a magician. ELAINE Now I suppose you're gonna tell me that you're Boris... JONATHAN (cutting her very harshly) I am Jonathan Brewster. ELAINE Oh ! You're Jonathan. Jonathan comes close to her and looks at her in such a strange way that she starts walking backward. JONATHAN You've heard of me ? ELAINE Yes, they talk about you. JONATHAN What do they say about me ? Elaine stops walking backward. ELAINE Oh, just that there's another brother named Jonathan, that's all they say. Oh, that explains everything. Now that I know who you are, I'll just be running along, if you'll kindly unlock the door. They move to the front door, beside which Einstein is standing, smiling. Jonathan unlocks the door. He opens it a few inches, but stands in the way of Elaine, ready to got out. JONATHAN «That explains everything.» Just what do you mean by that ? Why do you come here at this time of night ? ELAINE Well, I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I suppose it was you. Jonathan slams the door and locks it. JONATHAN You thought you saw someone drive up ? He walks menacingly toward her, and she starts walking backward across the room. ELAINE Yes. Weren't you just outside ? Isn't that your car ? JONATHAN You saw someone at the car ? ELAINE Yes. Einstein starts walking behind Jonathan. JONATHAN What else did you see ? ELAINE Oh, just that, that's all ! JONATHAN I see. Is that why you came over here ? ELAINE Oh no, I came to see Mortimer. But if he's not home, I'll run... She tries to run away, but Jonathan grabs her arms and holds it very firmly. JONATHAN You've given two names. ELAINE You're hurting me ! JONATHAN I think she's dangerous. Teddy comes in through the cellar door. He has his helmet back on his head and wears heavy working gloves. TEDDY No visitors. It's going to be a private funeral. He crosses the room and starts climbing the stairs. Both Jonathan and Einstein are now holding Elaine. ELAINE Teddy ! Teddy, tell these men who I am ! Teddy stops a few steps from floor level. TEDDY Oh, that's my daughter, Alice. ELAINE Oh, no, Teddy ! Teddy ! TEDDY Now, Alice, don't be a tomboy. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. He pulls out his imaginary sword and rushes up the stairs. TEDDY Charge ! He rushes into his room and slams the door. ELAINE Teddy ! Elaine starts screaming. Jonathan holds a handkerchief over her mouth. Einstein runs to the front door and switches the lights off. JONATHAN Doctor, the cellar. ELAINE Let go of me ! Let go of me ! The cellar door is opened, and we see the shadows of the two men dragging Elaine down to the cellar. MARTHA What's the matter ? What's happening down there ? The lights are switched back on, and we see Abby and Martha on the balcony, just coming out of their room. They are both dressed in black funeral clothes. ABBY What's the matter ? What are you doing there ? Jonathan is coming alone out of the cellar. JONATHAN We caught a burglar, a sneak thief. Go back to your room. ABBY We'll call the police. She starts going down the stairs, followed by Martha. JONATHAN I'll handle this. Go back to your room. Abby stops at the top of the stairs. JONATHAN Do you hear me ? Knocking on the door, followed by the doorbell. The two sisters starts going down the stairs. JONATHAN Don't answer that. Another doorbell. The two sisters are running downstairs. JONATHAN Don't answer that ! Elaine rushes through the cellar door, screaming. She runs into Martha's arms, followed by Einstein. ELAINE Let go of me ! More knocking and ringing at the door. Abby goes and opens the door. Mortimer enters the house.. MORTIMER Where's Teddy ? Is he upstairs ? Elaine rushes to Mortimer and holds him by the neck. He gets rid of her. MORTIMER Never mind that now, darling, please. He starts climbing the stairs and looks, surprised, at Martha. MORTIMER What are you doing with your best clothes on ? He suddenly notices Jonathan's presence and stops mounting the stairs. MORTIMER Holy... What's that ? What's that thing there that looks like a cigar-store dummy ? ABBY It's your brother Jonathan, and this is Doctor Einstein. MORTIMER Aunt Abby, didn't I tell you not to let anybody in the house ? Who did you say it was ? ABBY It's your brother, Jonathan ! Elaine grabs Mortimer's coat, and starts talking to him. So do Abby and Martha on either side of him. Since the three of them are talking together, it is impossible to understand what they say. JONATHAN I've come back home, Mortimer. At the voice of Jonathan, the three women stop talking MORTIMER What ? JONATHAN I've come back home, Mortimer. MORTIMER «I've come back home, Mortimer.» Listen, it talks ! JONATHAN Yes, I talk. Mortimer, have you forgotten the things I used to do to you when you were tied to the bedpost ? The needles under your fingernails. Elaine grabs Mortimer's coat. ELAINE Mortimer, he... MORTIMER Wait a minute. Mortimer walks closer to Jonathan. MORTIMER Holy mackerel ! It is Jonathan ! JONATHAN I'm glad you remember, Mortimer. MORTIMER Yeah, I remember. How could I forget you ? Where'd you get that face ? Hollywood ? Jonathan is ready to fight with his brother. Einstein grabs his arm to stop him and Abby comes between them. ABBY Oh, don't you two boys start quarreling again the minute you've seen each other. MARTHA We invited Jonathan and Doctor Einstein to stay. MORTIMER What ? MARTHA Just for tonight. MORTIMER Oh no, you don't, I'm staying here tonight. In fact, I'm staying here from now on. Elaine taps on Mortimer's arm. ELAINE Mortimer, what about me ? MORTIMER There's no room for anybody else in the house. (to Elaine) Please, darling, just a moment. (to Jonathan) So take that little squirt and beat it ! (to Martha) Now where's Teddy ? I've got to see him right away. Is he upstairs ? He starts climbing the stairs. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Mister Brewster ! We don't take up much room. Johnny can sleep on the sofa, and I'll sleep on the window-seat. MORTIMER Nothing to... He stops going upstairs MORTIMER Window-seat ? He comes back downstairs. MORTIMER Certainly not on the window-seat. I'm going to sleep on the window-seat. He crosses the room to sit on the window-seat. MORTIMER I'm going to sleep on the windows-eat from now on. ELAINE Mortimer ! Mortimer stands up and goes to Jonathan MORTIMER Now look. Now look, Jonathan. Now, be a good fellow. Here's ten dollars. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. Jonathan throws Mortimer's money on the floor. Mortimer tries to step on it, but instead, he steps on Jonathan's foot. JONATHAN Mortimer, you know what I do to people who order me around. Einstein pulls Jonathan's sleeve. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny. Mister Spenalzo. Mortimer bends down to look at Jonathan foot, then he touches his legs. JONATHAN What ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN What's going to happen to Mister Spenalzo ? Mortimer takes a fork on the table and stabs Jonathan's leg with it. DOCTOR EINSTEIN We can't leave him here in the window-seat. Johnny ? JONATHAN Doctor, you know, Doctor, I've completely lost track of Mister Spenalzo. MORTIMER Wait ! Who's this Mister Spenalzo ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. MORTIMER Don't you bring anyone else in here. Now, come on, beat it, both of you ! DOCTOR EINSTEIN It's all right, Johnny. While we are packing, I'll tell you about him. Jonathan walks to the staircase, and starts going upstairs, followed by Einstein. He stops a few steps before he reaches the balcony. JONATHAN I'll take care of you, Mortimer, in just a little while. He resumes his walking upstairs. MORTIMER How do you like that ? The guy stays away for twenty years and picks tonight of all nights to come back. Oh, Elaine, what are you doing here ? She falls in his arms. ELAINE Mortimer ! MORTIMER What's the matter, darling ? ELAINE I almost got killed. MORTIMER Killed ? Aunt Abby, Aunt Martha ! ABBY Oh, no ! MARTHA Oh, no ! It was Jonathan ! ABBY He mistook her for a sneak thief. MORTIMER Oh, that. Martha just found the shoe on the table and seems very intrigued by it. ELAINE (voice over) It was worse than that. He's some kind of a maniac. Abby looks at the shoe, and seems also very intrigued. Martha whispers something to her. MORTIMER (voice over) I know, darling, I know. ELAINE (voice over) Oh, Mortimer, I'm afraid of him. MORTIMER (voice over) Oh, darling, don't worry about it. I'm here now. Now forget it. Abby whispers back to Martha, who puts the shoe back on the table. The two sisters move away. ELAINE We were married today, we were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, your brother tries to strangle me, a taxi's waiting, and now you want to sleep on a window-seat ! Mortimer hardly listens to her, but catches the last word. MORTIMER Window seat... Witherspoon. Darling, you'd better run along home. ELAINE What ? MORTIMER Yes, yes. Go home like a good girl. I got things to do. He sits at the desk and starts dialing on the telephone. ELAINE Mortimer ? But... but... MORTIMER No, no, please. (in the phone) Hello ? Operator ? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0, please. ELAINE But, Mortimer, didn't you hear what I was just saying ? MORTIMER Yes, 2-7-0. ELAINE Your own brother Jonathan, he was trying to strangle me ! MORTIMER Please ! This is important ! ELAINE That ? MORTIMER Hello ? Oh, hello, Mr. Witherspoon ? This is Mortimer Brewster. WITHERSPOON'S OFFICE - INTERIOR NIGHT Witherspoon is sitting behind his desk, the telephone receiver to his ear. WITHERSPOON Yes, Mr. Brewster, yes. He puts an effervescent pill in a glass of water. WITHERSPOON Well, I don't understand you. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Elaine is crying, standing near the desk, where Mortimer is still on the telephone. MORTIMER (in the phone) Look, look, I... He raises his head to look at Elaine ELAINE He was going to kill me ! MORTIMER (to Elaine) Wait a minute, I can't hear the man. (to Witherspoon on the phone) What ? I've got the papers all drawn up. I know it's late, but I want you to come down here and get my brother immediately ! I's got to be done. (to Elaine) Please, darling, please. WITHERSPOON'S OFFICE - INTERIOR NIGHT WITHERSPOON By the way, you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor, of course ? BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer seems surprised by the question. MORTIMER Oh, the doctor ? Oh, holy mackerel ! I forgot the doctor ! Mortimer takes a piece of paper from the inside pockets of his jacket and puts it on the desk. Elaine is still whining at his side. ELAINE Mortimer ! MORTIMER (yelling to Elaine) Please, be quiet ! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor ? (to Witherspoon on the phone) Hello ? What kind of a doctor ? A family doctor ? ELAINE You can take your honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window-seat, and put them in a barrel, and push them all over Niagara Falls ! She walks away MORTIMER (to the departing Elaine) Thank you, darling. Thank you. (to Witherspoon on the phone) Oh, look, why don't you come down here anyway ? While you're getting here, I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures both. The front door slams violently. Mortimer turns around. MORTIMER Yeah. Elaine ! Elaine ! (to Witherspoon) Yeah, I'll get both signatures. Yeah, well, come right away. He puts the phone down. MORTIMER Elaine ? What's the matter with her ? He stands up and runs across the room to the window-seat. MORTIMER Oh, dear ! He kneels on the window-seat and looks through the open window. MORTIMER Elaine ! Elaine ! BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Large shot of Reverend Harper's residence. Elaine enters the front door, and slams the door behind her. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is still looking through the open window. MORTIMER Elaine ! He enters back into the room, and sits on the window-seat. MORTIMER (whispering to himself) Oh, let me sit down. Let me think about this thing. Doctor, Teddy, signature... He looks at the seat. MORTIMER Hoskins ! He remains seated a few seconds in deep thought, then he gives a quick look outside the window, stands up and starts lifting the lid. The lid creaks. Mortimer seems very surprised by what he sees inside the seat. He opens the lid completely and let it rest on the bottom of the window. MORTIMER Ye gods ! There's another one ! He closes the lid and walks across the room toward the kitchen door. MORTIMER Aunt Abby ! Aunt Martha ! Come in here ! ABBY (voice over from the kitchen) We're busy. MORTIMER No, you come in here now ! Abby, still in funeral clothes, enters the room through the kitchen door. ABBY Yes, dear, what is it ? Where's Elaine ? MORTIMER Wait a minute. Didn't you promise me not to let anyone in the house while I was gone ? ABBY Jonathan just walked in. MORTIMER I don't mean Jonathan ! ABBY And Doctor... MORTIMER And I don't mean Doctor Einstein ! Who is that in the window-seat ? ABBY We told you. Mister Hoskins. MORTIMER He is not Mister Hoskins ! He opens the window-seat wide and let the lid rest on the bottom of the window. MORTIMER There ! Abby walks to the window-seat and looks inside, surprised. ABBY Who can that be ? MORTIMER You're trying to tell me you've never seen that man before ? ABBY I certainly am. Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do ! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in this house ! MORTIMER Now, you look here, Aunt Abby. Don't you try to get out of this ! That's another one of your gentlemen, and you know it ! ABBY Mortimer, how can you say such a thing ? That man's an impostor. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar, he's mistaken. MORTIMER You admitted to me you put Mister Hoskins in the window- seat. ABBY Yes, I did. MORTIMER Well, this man couldn't have got the idea from Mister Hoskins ! ABBY Oh, no. MORTIMER By the way, where is Mister Hoskins ? Mortimer starts looking around the room. ABBY He must have gone to Panama. MORTIMER What ? You buried him ? ABBY No, no, not yet. He's just down there waiting for the services, poor dear. We haven't had a minute, what with Jonathan in the house. Mortimer suddenly realizes the corpse could be a «friend» of Jonathan. He quickly closes the lid. ABBY Oh, dear. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. But I will not read services over a total stranger ! She walks back to the kitchen. Mortimer catches her. MORTIMER A total stranger. Aunt Abby, how can I believe you ? There are twelve men down there, some you admit you poisoned them ! ABBY Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib ! Martha ! She enters the kitchen. ABBY Martha ! Martha ! What do you think has happened ? MORTIMER «A fib !» Mortimer starts dancing around the room. Then he hears a door closing on the balcony, and he sits on the window-seat. We see Jonathan on the balcony. He starts going downstairs. Mortimer goes toward him. MORTIMER Jon... Oh-oh... Ah-ah... JONATHAN This may interest you, Mortimer. I've decided that we're staying. And I've also decided that you're leaving, and I mean now. MORTIMER Listen, handsome. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Are you getting out, or am I throwing you out on your ear? JONATHAN I've led a strange life, Mortimer. Abby comes in through the kitchen door, followed by Martha. ABBY Martha, you come straight along here. You just look and see what's in that window-seat. Jonathan and Mortimer both rushes across the room and sit on the window-seat MORTIMER No. No, no, Aunt Abby, don't... He stops when he realizes that Jonathan is sitting with him. He suddenly understands the situation, and shows a broad smile to his brother. He then stands up MORTIMER Jonathan, let Aunt Martha see what's in the window-seat. Jonathan's face shows that he is no more so sure of himself. MORTIMER Aunt Abby, darling, I owe you an apology. He kisses her on the forehead. MORTIMER I've got some very good news for you. Jonathan is leaving. And he's taking Doctor Einstein and that cold companion with him. (to Jonathan) Listen, Jonathan. You're my brother, you're a Brewster. So, I'm giving you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. You can't ask for more than that. Well ? Jonathan doesn't move from the window-seat. MORTIMER All right, in that case, I'll have to call the police. He goes to the desk. JONATHAN Don't reach for the telephone. Remember, what happened to Mister Spenalzo can happen to you, too. Mortimer picks up the phone. MARTHA Spenalzo ? ABBY I knew he was a foreigner. JONATHAN Put down that telephone, Mortimer. Jonathan puts his hand to his pocket, to take his gun. The doorbell rings and we see a policeman's shadow through the frosted glass. Jonathan stands up and Abby rushes to the door. ABBY Oh... She opens the door on O'Hara. He is smiling and he's got his stick in his hand. O'HARA Hello ! ABBY Oh, Officer O'Hara ! O'HARA I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness in the house... ABBY No... He looks around. O'HARA Oh, you got company ? Oh, I'm sorry I disturbed you. He starts to walk back out, but Mortimer stops him. MORTIMER No ! Come in. ABBY Yes, do come in. She closes the door behind him. MARTHA Come right in, Officer O'Hara. This is our nephew, Mortimer. They shake hands, both smiling. O'HARA Oh, pleased to meet you. MORTIMER And glad to see you, fellow. ABBY And this is another nephew, Jonathan. O'HARA Pleased to make your acquaintance. Hey, your face is familiar. Haven't I seen a picture of you somewhere before ? JONATHAN I don't think so. O'HARA I'll be running along. MORTIMER Oh, come on. What's the hurry ? Why don't you stick around until my brother leaves. O'HARA I got to ring in, Mr. Brew... Say, you're not «the» Mortimer Brewster, the book-writer and the dramatic critic, are you ? MORTIMER Yes, why ? O'HARA Oh, what a break for me ! I'm a playwright. MORTIMER No ? O'HARA I'm working on a play now. MORTIMER You are ? O'HARA Yeah. MORTIMER Well, well, well ! Maybe I can help you with it. O'HARA Oh, would you ? Oh, what a break ! I get wonderful ideas, but I can't spell them. MORTIMER You can't ?... Oh, I can spell like the dickens. Constantinople ? Come on, come on, let's go into the kitchen. O'HARA All right. MORTIMER You can tell me all about it. (to Abby) Couldn't you whip up a sandwich for Officer O'Hara ? MARTHA I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen, Officer O'Hara. O'HARA And where else would you eat ? They all enter the kitchen, laughing, and leaving Jonathan alone in the room. Mortimer lets them in, but comes back into the sitting-room, closing the kitchen door behind him. MORTIMER (to the policeman and his aunts) See you in a moment. He crosses the room toward Jonathan MORTIMER Now, listen, Jonathan, this is your last chance. I'll keep O'Hara busy in the kitchen and give you a chance to get out. All three of you : you, Doctor Einstein and Spenalzo. JONATHAN Mortimer... MORTIMER Now if you don't leave here in five minutes, I'll bring in Officer O'Hara, and introduce him to Mr. Spenalzo. He opens the lid of the window-seat. But O'Hara comes into the room and Mortimer quickly closes the lid. O'HARA Mister Brewster, my play takes place in... Mortimer moves him back to the kitchen. MORTIMER I'll be right with you, O'Hara. Right with you. Right with you. Just give me one moment. Mortimer closes the door behind O'Hara and turns toward Jonathan. MORTIMER Now get going ! All three of you. He enters the kitchen, and closes the door behind him. Einstein arrives silently behind Jonathan and taps on this shoulder. Jonathan turns quickly around. He then goes to the kitchen door and comes back to Einstein. JONATHAN Doctor, this affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But, Johnny, we've got trouble enough as it is. Come, let's go. JONATHAN We're not going. We're going to sleep right here in this house. DOCTOR EINSTEIN What ? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the window-seat ? JONATHAN That's all he's got on us. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. After that, we're coming back here. Then if he tries to interfere... DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, no, Johnny. No, please. JONATHAN Doctor, we've got a wonderful setup here. We can make a fortune. Two old ladies as a front. Only Mortimer stands in our way. I never did like Mortimer. He goes toward the kitchen door. Einstein catches up with him. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, Johnny, please, take it easy. Please ! JONATHAN Doctor, you know when I make up my mind... DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah, I know, when you make up your mind, you lose your head. Look, Johnny, Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Jonathan takes Einstein's hand, twists it and brings Einstein down on the floor. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Okay, Johnny. Okay ! Jonathan releases Einstein's hand, who stands up to massage his hand. JONATHAN Take the instruments and hide them in the cellar. Move fast. Einstein takes the suitcase and walks to the cellar. Jonathan opens the lid of the window-seat. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - INTERIOR NIGHT In the kitchen, the Brewster sisters are moving around the room, preparing food on the table. Both men are standing up near the table. O'Hara, without his cap on his head, has a sandwich in his hand. O'HARA Mister Brewster, you don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. MORTIMER Oh, I don't know. O'Hara picks up a cup on the table. O'HARA No. My mother was an actress. MORTIMER Oh ? Legitimate ? O'HARA Of course she was. She was my mother. MORTIMER Oh, excuse me. O'HARA Peaches La Tour was her name. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT The door to the cellar is open. Einstein rushes up from the cellar. He looks a bit frightened. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny, Johnny, come quick ! Jonathan, who was looking down into the open window-seat, stands up. JONATHAN What's the matter ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN You know that hole in the cellar ? JONATHAN Yes. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Well, we got an ace in the hole. Jonathan closes the window-seat, and walks toward the cellar. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - INTERIOR NIGHT O'Hara is explaining something to Mortimer. O'HARA It's no fly-by-night idea. I've been working on this thing for twelve years. Mortimer, who had just heard the creaking of the lid of the window-seat, turns back toward the policeman. MORTIMER Well, you have ? O'HARA Yeah. MORTIMER Well, rehash it in your mind. I'll be back in a minute. O'HARA Oh, swell. MORTIMER I like the first act. O'HARA But I didn't tell you the first act, Mister Brew... I... Before he can finish his sentence, Mortimer is already out of the room. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer enters the empty sitting-room. He goes to the window- seat, opens it and talks to the corpse. MORTIMER No, I thought I told you... He closes the lid, kneels on the seat and looks through the open window. MORTIMER Jonathan ! Jonathan ! Jonathan ! Jonathan enters from the cellar, followed by Einstein. JONATHAN Yes, Mortimer. Mortimer turns around and looks, surprised, at his brother. Then he comes into the room MORTIMER What are you two doing still here ? I thought I told you to beat it. JONATHAN We're not going. MORTIMER You're not going ? JONATHAN No. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No. MORTIMER You stay out of this. All right, you asked for it. He goes to the kitchen door, which he opens slightly. MORTIMER Officer O'Hara ? O'HARA (voice over from the kitchen) Coming. Mortimer comes back in the middle of the room. JONATHAN Now, if you tell O'Hara what's in the window-seat, I'll tell him what's down in the cellar. MORTIMER Cellar ? JONATHAN There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. MORTIMER What were you doing down the cellar ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN But what is he doing in the cellar ? JONATHAN Now what are you going to tell O'Hara ? O'Hara comes into the room from the kitchen. O'HARA Hey, your aunts heard my opening, it's swell. They want to hear the rest. Shall I bring them in here ? He starts going back into the kitchen, but Mortimer stops him. MORTIMER No, no, no, no. You can't do that now. You'd better ring in. O'HARA Oh, the heck with ringing in ! You got me rolling now. I want to tell you the whole plot. MORTIMER You know, you can't tell me in front of those two fellas, they wouldn't appreciate it. O'HARA Huh ? Hey, lowbrows, huh ? MORTIMER Let's go some place we can be alone. I'll meet you there later. O'Hara puts his cap back on his head. O'HARA Okay. Say ! How about the back room at Kelly's ? MORTIMER Kelly's ? O'HARA Yeah. MORTIMER Oh yeah, fine place for Bohemian atmosphere. Genius at work. He escorts O'Hara to the front door. MORTIMER You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. O'HARA Fine. MORTIMER Fine. JONATHAN Why don't you both go down in the cellar ? O'HARA That's all right with me. O'Hara starts moving toward the cellar, but Mortimer stops him. MORTIMER No, no, no. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's, I assure you. O'HARA Okay. MORTIMER We'll meet later O'HARA This opening will kill you. He opens the door and starts going out. MORTIMER You will. O'HARA I'm waiting to be born, you see, and the doctor comes in... Mortimer, who was pushing O'Hara outside, suddenly slaps his forehead with his hand. MORTIMER Oh, the doctor ! O'HARA Yeah ! MORTIMER Yeah. Now, Look, you ring in and I'll see you later. O'HARA Okay. You won't stand me up, will you, Mister Brewster ? MORTIMER No. O'HARA This is a great play, you'll like it. I'll see you down there. MORTIMER Can't wait ! Can't wait ! Mortimer closes the door. MORTIMER Doctor, doctor. Where are those papers ? Oh, there they are. He goes to the desk and picks up his papers. He then turns to Jonathan and Einstein, still standing by the cellar door. MORTIMER Oh, oh-oh ! You're smug, aren't you? You think you've got it over me. But you haven't. You think I'm afraid to go to the police about Spenalzo because you've got hold of Hoskins. Well, I'm not ! He taps on his papers. MORTIMER The moment I get Spenalzo... I mean, the moment the doctor signs this, I don't care who knows about him, Hoskins, I mean. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Yes, Spenalzo ! He starts running upstairs. JONATHAN Where are you going ? MORTIMER To the Doctor. Where do you... Oh ! Mortimer stops and starts running downstairs, and then to the front door. MORTIMER When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me ! He goes out and closes the door. Einstein takes a sip at his bottle. JONATHAN We'll wait for him. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Did he look guilty ! The two sisters come out of the kitchen. ABBY Well, Martha, I think we can start the services now. They stop when they see Jonathan and Einstein. ABBY Oh ! We thought we heard you leave. JONATHAN Perish the thought, dear aunties. That was just Mortimer. And speaking of services, Aunt Martha, will you make us some coffee while we take Mister Spenalzo down to the cellar ? MARTHA Oh, no. No, Jonathan. You've got to take him with you ! Jonathan opens the lid of the window-seat. JONATHAN There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. ABBY A friend of Mortimer's ? JONATHAN Take his feet, Doctor. Mister Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. They're both dead. The two men bend down to take the corpse out of the window-seat. MARTHA Oh ! He must mean Mister Hoskins. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Mister Hoskins ? The two men stand up and look at the sisters. Jonathan comes closer to them. JONATHAN You know about what's down there ? ABBY Of course we do. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. He's one of our gentlemen. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Your gentlemen ? MARTHA Yes. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. JONATHAN But Mister Hoskins ? MARTHA Mister Hoskins is no stranger. ABBY Besides, there's no room for Mister Spenalzo. The cellar's crowded already. JONATHAN Crowded ? With what ? ABBY There are twelve graves down there now. The two men look at each other. Jonathan seems the most surprised. JONATHAN Twelve graves. ABBY That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. JONATHAN You mean that you and Aunt Martha have murdered twelve... ABBY Murdered ? Certainly not. It's one of our charities. MARTHA Why, what we've been doing is a mercy. ABBY So you just take your Mister Spenalzo out of here. They turn to Einstein, who has seated himself and is laughing his head off. JONATHAN You've done all that right here in this house and buried them in the cellar ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN That's wonderful, Johnny ! He stands up. DOCTOR EINSTEIN We've been chased all over the world, and they stay right here in Brooklyn, and they do just as good as you do. JONATHAN What ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah. You got twelve, they got twelve. Jonathan grabs Einstein by his shirt. JONATHAN I've got thirteen. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, Johnny, twelve. Don't brag. JONATHAN Thirteen. They both starts counting on their fingers. JONATHAN There's Mister Spenalzo. Then the first one in London. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah. JONATHAN Two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Phoenix ? JONATHAN The filling station. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Filling st... Oh, yes. He mimes the gesture of one having his throat cut. JONATHAN Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia. JONATHAN He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, no, Johnny, you cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are. Both sisters seem very happy by Einstein's statement. They smile. DOCTOR EINSTEIN They are, are they ? That's easily taken care of. All I need is one more. That's all. Just one more. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. He looks menacingly at his two aunts, who do not smile anymore. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is walking along the gate of the churchyard, dragging Dr. Gilchrist with him. Gilchrist is trying to tie his necktie while walking. Apparently, Mortimer didn't let him dress completely when he took him out of his home. MORTIMER I'm a very lucky man to have caught you at home, Doctor Gilchrist. DOCTOR GILCHRIST This is most irregular, most irregular. MORTIMER I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed, but, you see, you're the only one who can help me. DOCTOR GILCHRIST I know Teddy blows bugles, but I can't commit a man to an institution just on that. MORTIMER Oh, well, if only you had a little talk with him, I assure you you'd be convinced by him. Here's the house I... They stop walking when they hear hymns sung by the Brewster sisters. MORTIMER There goes Hoskins. DOCTOR GILCHRIST Who ? Mortimer looks embarrassed : he doesn't want to explain to the doctor who Hoskins is. MORTIMER What ? What ? Did I say... Oh, I... He moves the doctor to the entrance of the churchyard. MORTIMER Now, you better wait. DOCTOR GILCHRIST Here ? MORTIMER Yes, I'll bring Teddy out. Well, you see, I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies, you know, seeing a doctor and everything. You wait here, huh ? He helps him finish tying his necktie. DOCTOR GILCHRIST In the cemetery ? MORTIMER Yeah, that'll be good. DOCTOR GILCHRIST It's Halloween. MORTIMER Oh, don't worry about that. At Halloween, the pixies won't be out till after midnight. Now look, you wait here. Make yourself comfortable. Pull up a tombstone. I'll be right back. He moves away to the house, and passes near the taxi, still waiting. CAB DRIVER Hey, 22.50 ! MORTIMER What ? CAB DRIVER 22.50 ! MORTIMER Oh, yes, looks good on you ! He hasn't stop walking, and goes into the house. The driver, who had been following him, stops near the entrance of the house. CAB DRIVER Yeah ! Not the suit, the meter ! «Looks good on me.» 22.50 ! A quick shot of Dr. Gilchrist waiting, frozen and slightly frightened. Then back on the entrance of the house, near which the driver is still standing. Teddy and Mortimer come out of the house. Teddy is back in his President Roosevelt costume. TEDDY Did you give him a twenty-one-gun salute ? MORTIMER Yes, with a Maxim silencer. The driver catches up with them. CAB DRIVER Hey, you. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Mortimer and Teddy don't stop walking. The driver follows them. MORTIMER Oh no, thanks. It wouldn't fit me. The two men reach the place where Dr. Gilchrist is waiting. MORTIMER Oh, Mister President, may I have the pleasure... Teddy seems very happy to meet Dr. Gilchrist, and shakes his hands vigorously. TEDDY Doctor Livingstone ! DOCTOR GILCHRIST Livingstone ? MORTIMER (to the doctor) Well, that's what he presumes. (to Teddy) Mister President, the doctor would like to have a few words with you in private. He bows slightly. TEDDY Certainly. Welcome to Washington, doctor. He shakes his hand again, then puts his arm around the doctor's shoulders and moves away with him into the churchyard. TEDDY Arlington is beautiful at this time of year, is it not, doctor ? DOCTOR GILCHRIST Yes, indeed. The doctor looks back at Mortimer, seeming a little frightened. Mortimer remains alone, with the papers in his hand. We still hear the hymns sung by the Brewster sisters in the background. MORTIMER Well now, that's that. It gives me a chance to rest. He sits down on a tombstone. Reverse shot on Reverend Harper's house. Elaine opens the window of her room. Back to Mortimer seated on his tombstone. A little further behind him, we see Teddy and the doctor talking. MORTIMER Well, so far, so good. He stands up. MORTIMER Not so good. He runs to Elaine's window. The cab driver looks at the scene with intrigued eyes. Mortimer is now outside Elaine's window. ELAINE Do you or do you not love me ? MORTIMER Oh, Elaine. Elaine, how can you say such a thing ? Darling, of course I love you. ELAINE Do you ? Mortimer takes her in his arms. MORTIMER Yes, darling. ELAINE Hey, then why have you been treating me the way you have ? MORTIMER Oh, Elaine. He moves slightly away from her. MORTIMER Elaine, Elaine, darling, I love you so much, I can't go through with our marriage. She goes slightly back into her room. ELAINE Have you suddenly gone crazy ? MORTIMER No, no, I don't think so, but it's only a matter of time. Now, look, darling, you wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you ? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. ELAINE What are you talking about ? MORTIMER Well, I don't quite know really. Look, I probably should have told you this before, but you see... well, insanity runs in my family. We hear very clearly the Brewster sisters singing their hymns. MORTIMER It practically gallops. ELAINE Oh, darling, just because Teddy's a little strange, that doesn't mean... MORTIMER Oh no, darling, no, no. It's way back before Teddy. No, this goes back to the first Brewster, the one who came over on the Mayflower. Yeah. You know, you know how in those days the Indians used to scalp the settlers ? Well, he used to scalp the Indians. Elaine bends out of her window to hug Mortimer. ELAINE Darling, that's ancient history. Medium shot on the doctor and Teddy walking arm in arm among the tombstones. TEDDY Yes, Doctor, I'll run for a third term, but I won't be elected. And that'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. DOCTOR GILCHRIST That's what you think. TEDDY Of course, if the country insists... Back to Elaine's room window. The young couple is still talking on either side of the window. ELAINE Oh, darling, all this doesn't prove a thing. Look at your aunts. They're Brewsters, aren't they ? They're the sweetest, sanest people I've ever known. MORTIMER Yeah. He turns around to listen to his aunts singing their hymns. MORTIMER Well, even they have their peculiarities. ELAINE What of it ? So your family's crazy. So you're crazy. That's the way I want you, the way I love you. I'm crazy too, but kiss me. MORTIMER No, no. I... Ohhh ! Mortimer hesitates a little and then gives a passionate kiss to Elaine. Back to Teddy and the doctor. Teddy is vigorously shaking the doctor's hand. DOCTOR GILCHRIST Goodbye, Ambassador. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. Anytime you're in Washington, drop in to see me at the White House. He walks away, leaving the doctor very shaken by the experience. The doctor runs to Mortimer, still outside Elaine's window and kissing her passionately. The doctor clears loudly his throat to attract Mortimer's attention. DOCTOR GILCHRIST Those papers. Those papers. MORTIMER Go away. Mortimer suddenly realizes what the doctor is talking about. MORTIMER Oh, papers ! Papers ! Yes. He pulls the papers from his jacket pocket, and gives them to the doctor. DOCTOR GILCHRIST I'll enjoy committing him to any place. MORTIMER You will ? DOCTOR GILCHRIST I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia ! MORTIMER Ah, you see ? Didn't I tell you ? Elaine suddenly slams her window down... on Mortimer's fingers ! Mortimer yells because of the pain. The doctor looks up from the papers. Elaine also shut the inside shade down, shutting the room completely from the outside world. MORTIMER No. Don't worry about that. Just go on signing the papers. Oh dear. Thank you. Mortimer blows on his hurt fingers, then grabs the papers from the doctor and runs away. MORTIMER Okay, thank you. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Close-up on the empty window-seat, where just remains Mr. Spenalzo's hat. From the open cellar door, Martha is coming out, followed by Abby. They are still dressed in their funeral clothes. ABBY All right ! All right ! We'll find out whose house this is ! I'm warning you, you better stop it. There's no use doing what you're doing, because it'll just have to be undone. JONATHAN (voice over from the cellar) Aunt Abby, go to bed ! ABBY It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Mortimer comes rushing into the room with the papers in his hand. MORTIMER Hello. He blows on the papers to dry the ink of the signature. ABBY Mortimer, where have you been ? Mortimer starts running upstairs. MORTIMER Uh-uh ? Oh, I was getting some papers signed. Is Teddy in his room ? MARTHA Oh, Mortimer, what is the matter with you ? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. ABBY Martha and I are going for the police. MORTIMER Police ! He quickly get back downstairs MORTIMER Oh-oh-oh ! Wait-wait-wait ! You can't go for the police. MARTHA Oh, no ? You know what Jonathan's doing ? ABBY He's putting Mister Hoskins and Mister Spenalzo in together. MORTIMER Oh, darling, let him. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - CELLAR - INTERIOR NIGHT Einstein just finished working, and he is cleaning the bottom of his pants. We notice he is wearing Mr. Spenalzo's shoes. A shovel is resting on the wall near him. DOCTOR EINSTEIN This is all fixed up nice now. Nice and smooth like a lake. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. He stretches himself DOCTOR EINSTEIN Oh, Johnny, bed feels good already. You know, we didn't get any sleep for forty-eight hours. Jonathan walks behind him, carrying a shovel. He puts the shovel down against the wall and start mounting the stairs JONATHAN You're forgetting, Doctor. DOCTOR EINSTEIN What ? BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer is trying to calm his aunts down ABBY Now, look. If Jonathan and Mister Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning, we're going for the police. MORTIMER Yeah, but I'll get them out, I promise you that ! ABBY Then you get the wedding silver. MORTIMER Yes, but remember, no police ! No police ! All right. He starts mounting the stairs. MORTIMER There's a thing. Look, go to bed, will you ? Fine. Get out of those clothes ! You two look like a double blackout. He reaches the balcony. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - CELLAR - INTERIOR NIGHT Jonathan is standing on the bottom of the cellar staircase. JONATHAN My brother, Mortimer. He goes back down in the cellar toward Einstein, who has his bottle in his hand. JONATHAN I just heard him upstairs. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, no, no ! I am tired. You forget, I got to operate on your face tomorrow. He sits down on the bottom steps of the stairs. JONATHAN (voice over. We just see his shadow on the wall behind Einstein) You are going to operate tomorrow, Doctor. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, but Johnny, not tonight ! I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day. JONATHAN (voice over from the shadow on the wall) Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah, I know that look. JONATHAN (voice over from the shadow on the wall) It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Okay, okay, Johnny, okay. We'll do it. But the quick way, huh ? The quick twist like in London. He mimes the breaking of a neck with his fingers, and then takes a sip from his bottle JONATHAN (voice over from the shadow on the wall) No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Not the Melbourne method, please ! Two hours ! And then when it was all over, what ? The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Teddy comes out of his room on the balcony, in his President Roosevelt costume. He takes his bugle to his mouth, ready to play it. Mortimer comes out of the room and lowers the bugle. MORTIMER No, no, no. Don't do that, Mister President. TEDDY But I cannot sign any proclamation without consulting my Cabinet. Mortimer puts the papers in front of his eyes. MORTIMER This must be secret. Teddy takes the papers and looks at them. TEDDY A secret proclamation ? How unusual. MORTIMER Yes, it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. TEDDY Who's the other fellow ? MORTIMER That's the secret. TEDDY Oh, I see ! Very clever. Well, if it's a a secret proclamation, it has to be signed in secret. He folds the papers. MORTIMER Of course, Mister President. TEDDY I'll have to put on my signing clothes. He starts to move back to his room. Mortimer stops him. MORTIMER Oh, you already have them on, Mister President. Teddy looks at his costume. TEDDY So I have. Wait here. He goes back into his room and closes the door. Einstein appears at the bottom of the stairs. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Mister Brewster. MORTIMER Yes, what is it ? Mice ? Einstein climbs the stairs very rapidly. He takes Mortimer by the sleeve and whispers to him. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Mister Brewster, you get out of this house. MORTIMER Can't you see I'm busy ? He tries to get rid of Einstein's hand on his sleeve. We hear the bugle playing the first notes of Beethoven's fifth symphony. MORTIMER (singing the same tune) Ta-ta-ta taaa ! He knocks on Teddy's door. The papers are slid under the door. Mortimer bends down to pick them up. MORTIMER Thank you, Mister President. Oh, what a load off my mind. Boy, could I use a drink ! Thank God for that. He starts going downstairs. Einstein follows him and takes his sleeve again. DOCTOR EINSTEIN (whispering) Get out of here, will you, please ? MORTIMER Huh ? What did you say ? Speak up, sonny. I can't hear you. DOCTOR EINSTEIN (still whispering) Johnny's in a bad mood. You get out of here ! MORTIMER Stop underplaying. I can't hear you. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Please listen to me. Get out. Mortimer gets rid of Einstein's hands on his sleeves. MORTIMER Stop all this ! What are you doing ? Look, Doc. Are you really a doctor ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, Heidelberg, 1919. You go... He takes his sleeve again and tries to move him to the front door. MORTIMER Heidelberg ? How'd you... How'd you come to hook up with Jonathan ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN I tell you later about that, but you go now. Please listen to me. They've reached the front door. Mortimer takes Einstein's hand out of his sleeve. MORTIMER Tch-tch-tch ! Stop it, Doctor, now stop it ! DOCTOR EINSTEIN You get out of here ! Look, look, when Johnny's in that mood, he's a madman. He's a maniac ! And then things happen. Horrible things. He mimes the cutting of his own throat, and takes Mortimer's hand to throw him out. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You get out of here ! MORTIMER Will you stop it ? Now look, stop telling me about Jonathan, I'll take care of Jonathan, and you take care of yourself. Now, get going, little fellow. He opens the door to throw him out. He pats him on the behind to move him, and discover the shape of the bottle under his hand. MORTIMER What's that ? What's that ? Wait a minute. He takes the bottle out of Einstein's pocket DOCTOR EINSTEIN Oh no ! My schnapps ! MORTIMER I could use that. I could use that. DOCTOR EINSTEIN That's mine. He tries to get his bottle back, but Mortimer holds on it. MORTIMER Please. Only for dramatic critics. Now look, you beat it before things start popping around here. He moves away to the table, with the bottle in his hand. Einstein joins his hand in a praying gesture. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But, look, Mr. Brewster, please. You've just been married. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Please go now. Please. Mortimer pours some of the schnapps in a glass. Einstein slams the front door with a very nervous punch, and walks toward Mortimer. He mumbles incomprehensible words, probably in German. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Tell me, don't those plays you see all the time teach you anything ? Mortimer is drinking. He lowers his glass. MORTIMER Oh, stop it, don't get me on the subject of plays ! I've got a lot on my mind now. I've got to wait here for Mister Witherspoon. He looks at his watch. DOCTOR EINSTEIN At least people in plays act like they got sense. MORTIMER Oh, you think so ? Did you ever see anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN How can somebody be so stupid ? MORTIMER You ought to have my job a few nights. Listen to me, brother. When you get out of prison, you have yourself wheeled over to the Garrick Theater. Oh ! Oh ! There's a play there that's been running so bad that it'll still be running when you get out. Now, in this, there's a man... Now listen to this... Behind Mortimer, the cellar door opens silently and Jonathan enters slowly into the room, without Mortimer noticing him. MORTIMER Now, he knows he's in the house with murderers. So he ought to know he's in danger. He's even been warned to get out of the house. And does he go ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes. MORTIMER No, he doesn't. He stays ! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. No, no. The murderer even invites him to sit down. What do you think he does ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Well, I don't know. MORTIMER He sits down ! I remember what he did. He deliberately pulls up a chair like that and he sits down in it. Mortimer goes to a wooden armchair and sits down in it. He puts his glass on the table. MORTIMER Isn't that great ? So there he is, all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. What do you think they used to truss him up with ? He keeps on laughing while talking. Close-up of Jonathan's face, smiling. DOCTOR EINSTEIN (voice over) Oh, what ? MORTIMER (voice over) The curtain cord. Jonathan looks in the direction of the window... and the curtain cord. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Curtain cord ? But didn't he see him get it ? Behind the seated Mortimer, Jonathan is silently walking to the window. MORTIMER Seen him get it. No. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. Mortimer turns slightly on his chair, but without taking his eyes off Einstein, and, of course, without looking at his brother behind him, quietly cutting the curtain cords with a jack-knife. MORTIMER All he has to do is look around, but does he ? No ! Medium shot on Jonathan cutting the curtain cords. MORTIMER (voice over) No... Look, you see, brother Heidelberg, in a play or even in a movie, for that matter, ...a fellow never sees or hears anything. No. That's right. Jonathan folds the jack-knife and puts it in his pocket. He prepares the cords he has just cut. Einstein takes a napkin on the table. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But what does he do ? MORTIMER Oh, what does he do ? Well, the big chump sits there. This fellow's supposed to be bright. He sits there. Jonathan is now just behind Mortimer's chair, with the cord ready in his hands. MORTIMER Now get a load of this. Look, look at the attitude. Large as life ! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. The big dope ! He bursts out laughing... But only for two seconds, because Jonathan ties up his arm to the armchair from behind, and Einstein shoves the napkin in his open mouth. Einstein then helps Jonathan to tie Mortimer's legs to the legs of the armchair. Then, with the help of a knife, he puts all the napkin in Mortimer's mouth. DOCTOR EINSTEIN You were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright. Fade out, and then fade in on the same scene a few moments later. The lights have been dimmed. Mortimer is completely tied on the chair, and the gag is tied around his head. JONATHAN Yes, Mortimer. I've been away for twenty years. But never, my dear brother, were you out of my mind. Jonathan is lighting candles on the table. JONATHAN In Melbourne one night, I dreamt of you. He opens his instruments case. We see the surgery instruments shining in the candles light. Close-up on Mortimer's very frightened face. Einstein sits down near the table. He seems depressed at the sight of his surgery instruments. Jonathan takes a small phial from the inside pocket of his jacket, opens it, smells it and closes it, and puts it back in his pocket. JONATHAN The more you struggle, Mortimer, the more you strangle yourself. Later on, you may consider that a blessing. He takes a curved forceps from the case and plays with it. Close-up on Mortimer's frightened face. Einstein wipes his face with a napkin. Jonathan takes a scalpel from the case and feels the sharpness of the blade. Einstein takes a bottle on the table and brings it to his mouth. Unfortunately, the bottle is empty. Jonathan takes a pair of surgery gloves from the box and puts them on. JONATHAN Now, Doctor, we go to work. Einstein stands up. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Johnny, for me, please, the quick way. Please. JONATHAN Doctor, this must be an artistic achievement. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Please. JONATHAN After all, we're performing before a very distinguished critic. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Johnny, please ! JONATHAN Doctor ! Einstein takes his jacket off. He is almost crying. DOCTOR EINSTEIN All right. Let's get it over with. No, but, Johnny, I cannot see this without a drink. JONATHAN Pull yourself together, Doctor. DOCTOR EINSTEIN But I can't pull myself together without a drink. Johnny, you remember when we came in here, there was some wine. And then they took it. Where did they put it ? A glint of hope appears in Mortimer's eyes at the mention of his aunts' wine. Einstein runs across the room to the shelves where the carafe of poisoned wine has been put away. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Johnny, I found some wine. I found some wine. He comes back to the table with the carafe and glasses. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Here, I'll split it with you. We both have a drink before we operate. Oh, I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Einstein gives a glass to Jonathan. Mortimer, who recognized the carafe, is smiling behind his gag. Jonathan smells the glass. Einstein has his glass almost to his lips, when Jonathan stops him. JONATHAN Doctor. One moment, please. Where are your manners ? (to Mortimer) Yes, Mortimer. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. We drink to you. Doctor ! To my dear, dead brother. They clink their glass in front of Mortimer's face. Einstein raises his glass before drinking. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Prosit ! Teddy suddenly comes out of his room and plays his bugle very loudly. Both Jonathan and Einstein drop their glass on the floor. Teddy then goes back into his room and slams the door. The grand- father clock chimes once. Mortimer seems very disappointed. He moves back and forth in his chair, moaning. JONATHAN That idiot ! He goes next. That's all. He goes next ! DOCTOR EINSTEIN Not Teddy ! Not Teddy ! Please ! JONATHAN We'll get to him later. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Not Teddy, we won't get to him at all ! JONATHAN Now, we have to work fast. The quick way. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Oh, the quick way, oh yes ! If it has to be, then the quick way. Yes, I'll help you with it. They starts getting the instruments out of the case. At the front door, we see the shadow of a policeman behind the frosted glass. He rings the doorbell. Jonathan and Einstein stop what they were doing. Einstein closes the case and puts it under the table. He also puts all the instruments lying on the table on the floor, behind the case. Knocking on the door. The door being open, O'Hara enters the room. He spots Jonathan and Einstein. O'HARA Hey, the colonel has to quit blowing that horn. JONATHAN It's all right, Officer. We're taking the bugle away from him. O'HARA I'd better talk to him myself. Where's the lights ? He finds the switch by the door, and switches the lights on. He goes to the stairs and starts mounting them, when he hears Mortimer moaning. He goes down and walks toward Mortimer. O'HARA Hey ! You stood me up ! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. What happened to him ? O'Hara is surprised to find Mortimer tied up on his chair. He points his stick to Jonathan. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Nothing. He was explaining a play he saw the other night and that's what happened to a poor man in the play. He walks away with his jacket in his hands. O'HARA Oh, I see. Did that really happen in a play you saw ? How do you like that ? You can't trust nobody no more. They practically stole that from the second act of my play. You know, in the second act, just... Well, maybe I'd better start at the beginning. Mortimer is moving and moaning on his chair. He tries to explain by movements of his face that he would like to have his gag taken off. Behind O'Hara, Einstein starts mounting the stairs, and Jonathan stands up at the bottom of them. O'HARA Huh ? Oh, yes, sure. He puts his hands to Mortimer's face to take off his gag. Einstein runs upstairs, followed by Jonathan. Suddenly, O'Hara removes his hands and smiles broadly. O'HARA Nooo ! You've got to hear the plot ! He takes his jacket off. O'HARA My mother's sitting there, making up, see. And, like a flash, suddenly, out of a clear sky, the door comes open and a man with a black mustache comes in. On the stairs behind O'Hara, Jonathan takes his jack-knife out of his pocket and opens it. O'HARA He turns to my mother and he says, «Miss Peaches La Tour, will you marry me ?» That's the first scene. My mother doesn't tell him they're married. That's the surprise ! Einstein, who has seen the knife, tries to stop Jonathan. But Jonathan keeps on walking slowly downstairs. O'HARA Oh, What a kick ! All right. Twenty-five years pass. Well, in the meantime, there's me. Growing into a magnificent specimen. So what do I do ? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. Well, I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry, see ? Close-up on Jonathan's hand holding the knife, the blade of which is shining in the light. Mortimer stares at the knife O'HARA Little do I know it, but there is a dope fiend with a long knife crawling after me. I'm in great danger. It's getting you, ain't it ? I can see it in your eyes. Actually, Mortimer's eyes are trying to attract O'Hara's attention to Jonathan, just behind him now. O'HARA Well, you ain't heard nothing yet. Einstein tries to stop Jonathan, but Jonathan pushes him away. Einstein takes off one of his shoes, and hits Jonathan very hard on the head with it. Jonathan falls on the floor. O'HARA All of a sudden, a fire breaks out. What an effect ! The firemen rush in and who do you think is leading them ? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia ! O'Hara turns around and sees Jonathan lying on the last steps of the stairs. O'HARA What's the matter with him ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah, probably your play put him to sleep. O'HARA What ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN I personally, I like it very much. O'HARA It's probably over his head, huh ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yeah. O'Hara looks at Jonathan's face. O'HARA Where have I seen that face before ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN No, please. He kneels beside Jonathan's body, and O'Hara returns to Mortimer. O'HARA Well, the scene changes. It's an evolving stage. I'm walking along my beat, well, like that, casual-like, when a guy that I'm following, it turns out he's really following me ! Knocks at the door. O'Hara turns to Einstein. O'HARA (to Einstein) Don't let nobody in. (to Mortimer) I figure I'll outsmart him. There's a vacant house on the corner. Einstein peeks through the drapes to have a look at the outside of the front door. He rushes to Jonathan. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Hey, Johnny, the cops ! Einstein tries to wake up Jonathan, but doesn't succeed. He picks up his shoe and rushes upstairs. O'HARA So, I ducks in there. I sees the door handle turn, so I pulls out my gun, braces myself against the wall and I says : «Come in !» He takes out his gun and points it at the door. Brophy and another cop, officer Saunders, come in. When they see O'Hara's gun pointing at them, they raise their arms. O'Hara puts his gun back in his holster and welcomes his colleagues. O'HARA Oh, hello, boys. BROPHY What the Sam Hill's going on here ? O'HARA Hello Sarge, what do you think, this is Mortimer Brewster. He's going to help me write my play. SAUNDERS Do you have to tie him up to make him listen ? He starts to untie Mortimer. BROPHY O'Hara, you better report in the station. Why didn't you ring in ? You got the whole force out looking for you. O'HARA Right in the middle of the second act. Did they send you guys here looking for me ? Brophy goes to the telephone and starts dialing. BROPHY No, we came to warn the old ladies. There is a difficulty. The colonel blew that bugle again. O'HARA Yeah, I heard him. BROPHY The neighbors are all phoning in. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. He says we've got to put him away someplace. He sees Jonathan lying on the steps. BROPHY Now, who the heck is this ? O'HARA Oh, that's Mister Brewster's brother. My play put him to sleep. BROPHY Oh ! That's the one that ran away. So he came back. (in the phone) Brophy. Get me Mac. (to O'Hara) Haven't you got yourself in a mess ! You're two hours overdue at the station. I better let them know that I found you. O'Hara bends on Jonathan and shakes him O'HARA Hey ! It wasn't that bad, was it ? BROPHY (in the phone) Mac ? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. We found him... At the Brewster house... Shall we bring him in ?... All right, we'll hold him right here. He puts the phone down and turns to O'Hara, who has succeeded in waking up Jonathan and getting him on his feet. Jonathan stares at Brophy. He thinks Brophy is talking about him. Mortimer looks at his left hand, which has just been freed by Saunders. BROPHY The Lieutenant is on his way over. JONATHAN So I've been turned in, hey ? All right, you've got me. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Brophy and O'Hara each take one arm of Jonathan. BROPHY & O'HARA Reward ? JONATHAN Yes, reward ! Now I'll do some turning in ! Mortimer, who had his hand and legs untied by Saunders but is still gagged and has his chest still tied on the armchair, moans and moves excitedly on his seat. O'HARA (to Jonathan) Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Brewster. JONATHAN You think my aunts are sweet, charming old ladies, don't you ? Well, there's thirteen bodies buried in the cellar ! Yes, thirteen. Mortimer jumps on his chair and try to scream through his gag. Since he cannot succeed to get off the chair, he stands up, still gagged and tied to the back of the chair and rushes to Brophy, carrying the armchair with him. BROPHY Be careful what you say about your aunts, they happen to be friends of ours. JONATHAN I'll show them to you. BROPHY Don't you make any trouble for them, do you hear me ! Mortimer walks between Brophy and Jonathan, and tries to say something to Brophy through his gag. Saunders, behind Mortimer, keeps on untying him. BROPHY (to Mortimer) Never mind, Mr. Brewster. Leave him to me, I'll take care of him. JONATHAN (to O'Hara) You come down to the cellar. O'HARA (to Jonathan) Now, wait a minute. Mortimer is still trying to talk through his gag to O'Hara and Brophy, and moves excitedly around the two cops. He moves so much that Saunders has stopped trying to untie him. JONATHAN Thirteen bodies. I'll show you where they're buried. O'HARA Oh, yeah ! BROPHY Go down to the cellar with him, O'Hara. JONATHAN Yes, come to the cellar. He grabs O'Hara's hand and drags him to the cellar door. O'HARA Well, look, do I have to ? Mortimer, still gagged, and still carrying his armchair like a backpack, tries to follow them, but Saunders moves him away. Mortimer runs round the table to try again to join the party going down to the cellar, with Saunders running behind him. O'HARA Sorry, maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar with him. Mortimer bumps violently into Brophy, who tries to push him away. BROPHY O'Hara, go on down the cellar with him ! Mortimer then goes to O'Hara, but O'Hara doesn't realize Mortimer is coming to him to prevent him going down to the cellar. O'HARA Now, please, Mister Brewster. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. He pushes Mortimer away from him. BROPHY Go on down to the cellar with him. O'HARA Gee, do I have to, Sarge ? Look at that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff. Hearing that, Jonathan screams, jumps on O'Hara and puts his hand around his throat. O'HARA (to Jonathan) Don't ! (to Brophy) Sarge ! The three cops and Jonathan starts fighting. A fist comes out of the battle and hits Mortimer on the chin. He staggers back to the center of the room, and falls on the floor. We see Einstein cautiously appearing on the landing of the upper floor of the house. He slowly comes down the stairs. Down in the sitting-room, the fight goes on. Saunders falls on his back and Jonathan jumps on him. O'Hara, in his turn, jumps on Jonathan. Behind them, Mortimer is slowly getting up and getting rid of his ropes. Apparently, his fall has completely untied him. Einstein, watching this heated fight, moves back to the upper floor. Mortimer gets rid of his gag, and slowly moves away from the battle. BROPHY (voice over) Look out, Pat !... Look out, Pat ! SAUNDERS (voice over) He's got a gun... BROPHY (voice over) I got him, Pat. Look out ! MORTIMER Fight. Go on and fight. Mortimer climbs up a few steps on the staircase and sits down on a step. MORTIMER That's enough, that's enough. Everybody off. BROPHY (voice over) Pat ! Pat, look out! Mortimer, still seated on the step, quietly gets his cigarette case from his pocket, takes a cigarette, puts the case back in his pocket, while we hears the noise of the battle still going on down below. MORTIMER Amazing... Such a fine day, too. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing. Amazing, amazing. He takes a matchbox from another pocket and lights his cigarette. Behind Mortimer, on the wall, we see the shadows of the men fighting. Then we see various objects falling around Mortimer. MORTIMER Don't... Don't bother me now. O'Hara is projected on the wall below the staircase, near the place where Mortimer is still quietly seated. MORTIMER Buddy, you could use this in the third act. O'HARA Oh yes, I got something better than this. Let me tell you... Jonathan breaks a chair on his back. O'Hara staggers slightly. O'HARA I'll see you later. He goes back in the battle. Jonathan gives him a heavy punch and O'Hara falls in the window-seat, closing the lid over himself in his fall. Back to Mortimer, still quietly smoking his cigarette, seated on the same step. He takes papers out of his pocket. MORTIMER I got the papers signed. There, they're all signed. What do I care ? Go ahead, go ahead, fight, fight, fight-fight- fight ! O'Hara cautiously lifts the lid of the window-seat, but seeing a chair flying in his direction, he slams it back shut. The chair hits the window-seat and breaks off in small pieces. Back to Mortimer on his steps. He puts the papers back in his pocket. MORTIMER I'd better call up and see if Witherspoon has left. He puts his hand through the banister of the staircase to take the telephone on the desk, but he cannot reach it. MORTIMER Telephone. Hey ! At this moment, Jonathan comes smashing on the wall below the staircase. He grabs the telephone and lifts it to throw it on the cops, bringing it within easy reach of Mortimer's hand. JONATHAN I'll get every one of you ! I hate cops. I'll brain the first one that comes near me ! Mortimer picks up the telephone handset, and starts dialing. MORTIMER Yeah. A little higher, please, brother. Jonathan is watching the cops around him, and he is not looking at all at his brother behind him. Without thinking about it, he lifts the telephone a little higher. MORTIMER Thank you very much. Yeah, that's fine. Jonathan suddenly realizes what Mortimer is doing and turns his head toward him. Brophy immediately comes behind him and hits him with his stick. Jonathan starts falling, and Mortimer has to pick up the telephone not to loose it. MORTIMER Oh ! Don't do that, please. BROPHY Get him, Pat. Saunders comes on the other side of Jonathan and hits him with his stick. MORTIMER (in the phone) Come on, doc... (to the cops) That won't have any effect. I've tried it before... Jonathan falls heavily on the floor. MORTIMER Oh, it did. Dear me ! Isn't that amazing ? O'Hara slowly lifts the lid of the window-seat. Saunders bends on the motionless body of Jonathan MORTIMER Oh, dear. Wish I could relax like that. The doorbell rings, and we see the shadow of a hatted man through the frosted glass. Mortimer looks at the door. MORTIMER Witherspoon ! BROPHY Come in. The visitor enters. It's Lieutenant Rooney, a plain-cloth policeman. He closes the door behind him. Both Brophy and Saunders stand at attention. Mortimer puts the phone receiver back on its hook. O'Hara comes out of the window-seat, and, seeing his superior, stands at attention. Rooney walks to the body of Jonathan. LIEUTENANT ROONEY What has occurred ? BROPHY & SAUNDERS (speaking together) Well, we... LIEUTENANT ROONEY Never mind ! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this myself ? O'Hara comes out of the window-seat to join his colleagues. O'HARA Well, Lieutenant ! We were just acting in self-defense. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (pointing to the body of Jonathan) What happened ? He put up a fight ? BROPHY This isn't the one who blows the bugle. This is his brother. He tried to kill O'Hara. O'HARA All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Boris ?... Turn him over. Saunders turns Jonathan over and both the lieutenant and Brophy bends on the face of Jonathan. BROPHY Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Rooney stands up and looks at Brophy with an ironical smile. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Oh ! You «kind of think he's wanted somewhere» ? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up in the station, you can at least read short detective stories. Certainly, he's wanted somewhere. In Indiana ! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. He's a lifer. Still seated on his step, Mortimer smiles. MORTIMER That's my brother ! LIEUTENANT ROONEY For Pete's sake, that's the way they described him. «He looked like Karloff». Why'd you have to knock him off ? BROPHY He tried to get us to go down to the cellar. He says there are thirteen bodies buried down there. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar, and that don't tip you off the guy's come from a nuthouse ? MORTIMER Thanks, pal. O'HARA Say, lieutenant, about my not ringing in, I want to explain... LIEUTENANT ROONEY Where have you been all night ? Don't bother to tell me. O'HARA Oh, I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Yeah ? O'HARA Yeah. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Well, you're going to have a long time on that play. O'HARA Yeah ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY You're suspended. Now go on. Report in. Teddy comes out of his room, with his bugle under his arm, and walks downstairs LIEUTENANT ROONEY (voice over) Take this guy out in the kitchen and bring a pillow. I want to find out where his accomplice is. TEDDY (to Mortimer) What is the meaning of this commotion ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY The guy who helped him escape. He's wanted, too. Teddy gives his bugle to Mortimer. TEDDY Here. He joins the group of policemen. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Forty-eight hours I've been after these guys. Nothing to eat. No sleep. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. With flatheads like you on the force. Falling for a story like that ! Thirteen bodies buried down in the cellar. TEDDY But there are thirteen bodies in the cellar ! LIEUTENANT ROONEY Who are you ? TEDDY I'm President Roosevelt. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (whispering to Brophy) What the blazes is this ? BROPHY He's the guy that blows the bugle. SAUNDERS Howdy, Colonel. Saunders and Brophy both salutes Teddy. Teddy salutes them back. Rooney raises his hand to salute, but rapidly puts it down with a disgusted expression on his face. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Well, Colonel, you've blown your last bugle. (pointing to Jonathan's body) Come on, get this guy out of here. TEDDY Dear me ! Another yellow-fever victim ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY What ? TEDDY All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. BROPHY No-no-no, Colonel. This is a spy. We caught him at the White House. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Take him out and bring him to. I want to question him. Brophy and Saunders lift Jonathan and carry him to the kitchen. TEDDY If there is any questioning of spies, that's my department. He follows the two cops. But Rooney stops him. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Hey, you, keep out of that. TEDDY You're forgetting that as President, I am also head of the Secret Service. He follows the two cops in the kitchen. Rooney goes to the table, takes the carafe and smells it. Mortimer watches him, still seated on his step. MORTIMER Huh-huh-huh ! Rooney puts the carafe back on the table, and looks at Mortimer. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Who are you ? What's your name ? MORTIMER Usually, I'm Mortimer Brewster. But I'm not quite myself today. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Oh, you're his brother. Now, look, Mister Brewster, no argument. He's got to be put away. Mortimer stands up and goes down the steps toward the lieutenant. MORTIMER No, no, no arguments, Captain. No arguments. Just a minute, take it easy. Read this. He takes the papers from his pocket and show them to Rooney. MORTIMER Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. I'm just waiting here for Mr. Witherspoon. Rooney looks at the documents. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Well, as long as he's going someplace. He's scaring the neighbors, what with that bugle and all. And that cockeyed story about thirteen bodies being buried... Rooney stops, looks around with a suspicious eye and takes his hat off. LIEUTENANT ROONEY You know, I've been without sleep for forty-eight hours. I'm liable to think anything. MORTIMER I know just how you feel. LIEUTENANT ROONEY There's people dumb enough to believe a story like that. Last year there was a crazy guy, started a murder rumor. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove... Ohh ! What's this ? Rooney puts the papers down. MORTIMER What's the matter ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY These papers are no good. MORTIMER Why not ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY He signed it Theodore Roosevelt ! Rooney shows the papers to Mortimer. MORTIMER He what ?... Mortimer looks at the papers with horror in his face and takes them back. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT The cab driver is seated with O'Hara and Witherspoon standing on either side of him. WITHERSPOON Is your cab engaged ? CAB DRIVER Yeah ! I'm losing dough every minute. Got me offers ? WITHERSPOON I'm Mister Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium, I have come here to collect a Brewster. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. He walks to the entrance of the house. O'Hara stays with the cab driver. CAB DRIVER I knew this would end up in a nuthouse ! Witherspoon comes back a few steps. WITHERSPOON We like to think of it as a rest home. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR DAY Witherspoon enters the room. We hear voices talking excitedly. And we see people in some sort of a large alcove at the back of the sitting-room, between the cellar-door and the grandfather clock. WITHERSPOON Mister Brewster ? Mister Brewster ? Through the hole in the kitchen door, we see Brophy talking. WITHERSPOON Mr. Witherspoon is here. Witherspoon slams the door. In the alcove, Mortimer, Rooney and Teddy are having an argument. Mortimer still has the bugle in his hand. MORTIMER Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Theodore Roosevelt on it. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation ! Rooney holds the document for Teddy, who has a pen in his hand. TEDDY No, it's chicanery. MORTIMER Oh, wasting the time. Saunders approaches his lieutenant. SAUNDERS He's come to. He's ready to talk. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Hold him till I get there. SAUNDERS Yes, sir. He moves away back to the kitchen. MORTIMER Let me explain. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. TEDDY Code for Roosevelt ? MORTIMER Yes, don't you see ? Take the name Brewster. Take away the «B» and what have you got ? TEDDY Rooster. MORTIMER And what does a rooster do ? TEDDY Crows. MORTIMER It crows! And where are you hunting in Africa ? TEDDY On the veldt ! MORTIMER There you are ! «Crowsveldt». Mortimer gives a quick look at Rooney. TEDDY Ingenious ! My compliments to the boys in the code department. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Hey, that's all right ! Do that again for me. TEDDY Never mind ! Give me that pen. This is fun. He signs the paper under Rooney's supervision. MORTIMER Now, now, all I got to get is Witherspoon. He runs to the table in the middle of the sitting-room, where Witherspoon is standing. He goes around the table to shake hands with him. MORTIMER Oh ! Oh ! Mister Witherspoon, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you. Mister Witherspoon... Before... Look... You will take good care of Teddy at Happy Dale ? WITHERSPOON Best of care of him, Mister Brewster. MORTIMER Oh, that's fine. And no wagon when he leaves. WITHERSPOON Why ? To take him away ? Oh, never, never. Taxicabs. We always... I have one waiting now. MORTIMER Yes, look, it means a great deal to me. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale ? WITHERSPOON He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. MORTIMER Oh, that's good. WITHERSPOON You know, I sometimes envy some of our patients, secretly, you know. MORTIMER Oh, you do ? It must be a nice place. Because I've never been to Happy Dale. WITHERSPOON You never can tell. Mortimer looks surprised by Witherspoon's answer. Then he looks also a bit horrified. WITHERSPOON Oh, this is a particularly happy moment for me tonight, Mister... Mister Brewster. Yes, I've never met a dramatic critic and I had been so anxious to. MORTIMER Oh, the woods are full of them. WITHERSPOON I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do out there at Happy Dale. He gets a booklet out of his pocket. MORTIMER Oh ! A pamphlet about Happy Dale ? WITHERSPOON Oh, no-no, it's a play. Something I've been working on for some time now. When Mortimer sees Witherspoon flipping the pages of his booklet, a slightly frightened look comes to his face. WITHERSPOON It's a dramatization of many of the little incidents that have happened here at Happy Dale. MORTIMER Captain ! Captain !... Captain ! Rooney, who was checking the documents signed by Teddy, turns around. WITHERSPOON Now, I want you to read this very carefully. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. I shan't mind, you know... Rooney comes toward them with the documents in his hand. MORTIMER Captain, this is Mister Witherspoon. Witherspoon looks at Rooney with a smile. WITHERSPOON Oh, yes, yes, he'll be very happy at Happy Dale. Come, my boy. Witherspoon takes Rooney's arm. Rooney pushes him away. LIEUTENANT ROONEY What is this? MORTIMER No, no, no-no, Mister Witherspoon, you got it wrong. This is... this is Captain Rooney. WITHERSPOON The police ?... Oh ! The two men shake hands, and Rooney gives the papers to Witherspoon. LIEUTENANT ROONEY I'm sure! Here are the papers, all signed. Now you can take him away, Super. Teddy joins them. TEDDY I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. MORTIMER Mister President, I have good news for you. Your term of office is over. TEDDY Is this March the four ? MORTIMER Practically. TEDDY Let's see... Oh ! Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa ! Well, I must get started immediately. Teddy starts walking away, but he stops suddenly and gives Witherspoon a suspicious look. TEDDY Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out ? MORTIMER Who, Mister President ? Teddy looks at Witherspoon with a disgusted face. TEDDY Taft ! MORTIMER No, no, Teddy this isn't Mister Taft. It's Mister Witherspoon, he's going to be your guide to Africa. Teddy shakes hands with Witherspoon. TEDDY Bully ! Bully ! Wait right here. I'll bring down my equipment. Witherspoon looks at Teddy walking away with a sweet smile. WITHERSPOON Happy man. Teddy starts going upstairs and he meets Abby and Martha coming down. They're dressed back in their usual clothes. Teddy shakes hands with them. TEDDY Goodbye, Aunt Abby, goodbye Aunt Martha. I'm on my way to Africa. Isn't it wonderful ? For the last time, Teddy takes out his imaginary sword, points it forward and rushes upstairs. TEDDY Charge ! He gets into his room and slams the door behind him. Witherspoon looks a bit surprised, and Mortimer holds the hands of the grandfather clock. Abby joins him MORTIMER It's all right, Aunt Abby, I've got it. Witherspoon looks at the scene with slightly anxious eyes. WITHERSPOON Oh, dear. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Elaine walks across the churchyard toward the Brewster's house. She is wearing a coat over her nightdress. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Abby and Martha are talking with Witherspoon. MARTHA You've come to meet Teddy, haven't you ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY (voice over) No, he's come to take him. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. Both sisters turn toward Rooney. ABBY Oh, no-no, no, he can't go now ! We won't permit it. MARTHA We promise to take his bugle away from him. We won't be separated from Teddy. LIEUTENANT ROONEY I'm sorry. ABBY Mortimer, how can you allow this ? You promised. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Mister Brewster's got nothing to do with this, see. The law is the law ! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. ABBY Well, if he's going, we're going, too ! MARTHA Yes, you'll have to take us with him. Mortimer smiles broadly. MORTIMER Why-why... why not ? Why not, indeed ? WITHERSPOON Oh well now, indeed, it's sweet of them to want to go, but it's quite impossible. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Mortimer comes very close to Witherspoon, and tries, by mime only, to induce Witherspoon to take his aunts. WITHERSPOON Oh, no-no-no-no... MORTIMER (whispering) Now, these two little sane people, mixed up with all the others, will get lost in the shuffle. You could arrange that. WITHERSPOON Oh, no-no-no-no... MORTIMER Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. WITHERSPOON Oh, no ! No, no ! No ! Too dangerous. Dissension, jealousy. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Elaine has now reached the Brewster house and opens a window. We hear Lieutenant Rooney's voice. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (voice over) Now, let's be sensible, ladies... BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Rooney is talking to the Brewster sisters. LIEUTENANT ROONEY ...Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. You know, ladies, there are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. It ain't only his bugle blowing, and neighbors being afraid of him. But things are going to get worse. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. ABBY Our cellar ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY Yeah. Mortimer seems a bit worried. MORTIMER Oh-oh ! LIEUTENANT ROONEY Yeah, Teddy's been telling around there's thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. ABBY But there are thirteen bodies in our cellar. Witherspoon, who was looking at something on the table, looks up, very surprised by what Abby just said. Behind the window and the drapes, where she is hiding and eavesdropping, Elaine looks very surprised too. Rooney smiles a little, and then becomes suddenly very serious. LIEUTENANT ROONEY What ? ABBY Yes. You just ask our nephew, Mortimer. Mortimer blows the bugle very loudly. Rooney puts his hands on his ears. Then Mortimer rushes upstairs, yelling : MORTIMER Charge ! Mortimer reaches the balcony. Teddy comes out of his room, looking intrigued MORTIMER (whispering) Isn't that amazing ? ABBY Now, Mortimer, you behave yourself. You know very well there are thirteen bodies down in our cellar. MORTIMER Certainly there's thirteen bodies down in the cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic, Captain ! Teddy taps the side of his head with his finger, goes back into his room, and closes the door. Mortimer tries to indicate by mime that his aunts are crazy LIEUTENANT ROONEY What is this ? Very quick shot of Elaine peeking behind the drapes MARTHA You mustn't mind Mortimer. Saunders comes to his lieutenant. SAUNDERS How about it, lieutenant ? LIEUTENANT ROONEY I'll be right there. He moves away. MARTHA He's been a little strange all day. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Well, right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. I'll better have a look in that cellar. MORTIMER I'll tell you what we'll do, Captain. I'll bring my bodies down from the attic and you get yours down from the cellar, and we'll get them all together, and we'll send them to Happy Dale. He sings the last words, trying again to mime to Rooney that his two aunts are crazy. ABBY No, no, you wouldn't have to dig. The graves are all marked. We put flowers on them every Sunday. Mortimer walks downstairs. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Flowers ? MORTIMER Sure, I put neon lights on mine. He whispers to Rooney from the staircase. MORTIMER Humor them, humor them. Smile. Rooney doesn't seem to understand what Mortimer is trying to tell him. But Witherspoon is beginning to understand. LIEUTENANT ROONEY What ? ABBY There's one down there, a Mister Spenalzo... MORTIMER (whispering) Hasn't got it yet. He resumes his walking downstairs. ABBY ...who doesn't belong here and who's going to have to leave. MARTHA But the other twelve are our gentlemen. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Your gentlemen ? MORTIMER Oh, you'd like mine better. None of mine are gentlemen. ABBY You mustn't mind him at all. He got married today. MORTIMER (singing) «There is a Happy Dale far, far away. There is a Happy" While singing, Mortimer makes signs to Rooney and Witherspoon. And, finally, Rooney understand what Mortimer is trying to tell him, that his aunts are crazy. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (nodding) Yeah, yeah. MORTIMER He got it. It's amazing. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (to Witherspoon) Look, Super, don't you think you can find room for the ladies ? WITHERSPOON Just the ladies ? He looks at Mortimer. Mortimer stops clowning, and becomes very serious. MORTIMER Just the ladies, not me ! LIEUTENANT ROONEY How about it, Super ? WITHERSPOON Well, of course, they'd have to be committed. WITHERSPOON Well, Teddy committed himself. Couldn't they commit themselves also ? All they have to do is sign the papers. WITHERSPOON Certainly. MARTHA Oh well, if we can go with Teddy, we'll sign the papers. Where are they ? Witherspoon takes the papers out of the inside pocket of his coat. WITHERSPOON I have them, ladies, I have them right here. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (to Witherspoon) Sign them up, will you, Super ? I want this all cleaned up. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Maybe I can understand him. Thirteen bodies down in the cellar. Rooney, absent-mindedly, is ready to go down to the cellar, but he checks himself and goes toward the kitchen instead. WITHERSPOON Ladies, if you will sign right here. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Elaine opens a large trapdoor opening on a stairway going down to the cellar. She starts going down that passage. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - INTERIOR NIGHT Einstein walks on the balcony, carrying a suitcase, and starts going downstairs. In the room, we can guess that the two sisters are signing the papers. ABBY (voice over) Right here ? WITHERSPOON (voice over) Yes, please. It's on the right-hand side right there. Martha and Abby are seated at the table, signing the papers. Witherspoon and Mortimer, standing besides them, are helping them. ABBY I'm really looking forward to going. The neighborhood here has changed so. MARTHA Yes. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. WITHERSPOON Oh... oh, dear, I'm so sorry. We've overlooked something. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Einstein has reached the bottom of the stairs and he is sneaking out through the front door. MORTIMER A doctor... Oh ! Doctor Einstein ! Come here and sign some papers, please. Einstein turns around. DOCTOR EINSTEIN Good night. MORTIMER Come here, Doctor Einstein. WITHERSPOON A doctor ? MORTIMER Oh, yes, yes. Doctor Einstein almost operated on me earlier this evening. Come on, Doctor. Einstein drops his suitcase by the front door, and comes to the table. MORTIMER Here. Just sign right here, please, Doctor. Einstein signs the paper Mortimer gives him. Meanwhile, Rooney and Saunders are coming out of the kitchen and crossing the room. ABBY Were you leaving, Doctor ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN Yes, please. MARTHA Oh ! Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan ? DOCTOR EINSTEIN I don't think we go to the same place. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (speaking on the telephone) Hello, Mac. We picked up that guy that's wanted in Indiana. His accomplice's description is one on the circular, on the desk. Read it to me, will you ? Einstein leaves the table, and almost bumps into Saunders, who is brushing his uniform. He listen to the description of himself that Rooney is repeating from his colleague at the police station. LIEUTENANT ROONEY (still on the phone) Yeah... About forty... Five-foot-three... One hundred and forty pounds... Pop eyes... Talks with a German accent... Poses as a doctor... Okay, Mac. Thanks. He puts the phone back on its hook. Witherspoon slaps Einstein on the back, and Einstein starts raising his arms. WITHERSPOON It's all right, Lieutenant Rooney. The doctor here has completed the signatures. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Oh, that's great ! Thanks, Doc. You've done Brooklyn a great service. He shakes Einstein's hand and slaps his back. Einstein cannot believe his luck. He smiles and rushes to the door. ABBY But Dr. Einstein ! Einstein picks up his suitcase, and rushes out of the door, and closes it behind him. WITHERSPOON (to Mortimer) Now, Mister Witherspoon... MORTIMER No, no, you're Mister Witherspoon, I'm Mister Brewster. WITHERSPOON (laughing) It's contagious, yes. It's your turn. MORTIMER Now, don't play games... WITHERSPOON You sign. You sign as next of kin. MORTIMER Oh, next of kin. Why didn't you say so ? I'm all confused. Don't mind me. Teddy appears on the balcony, all dressed up in his colonial costume, but without the helmet. TEDDY Mr. Witherport. WITHERSPOON Spoon. Mortimer picks up a spoon on the table and gives it to Witherspoon. MORTIMER Oh, here it is. TEDDY Come up and pack my duffel. WITHERSPOON Duffel ? MORTIMER Yes, duffel. Pack his duffel. He's President, you know ? WITHERSPOON Oh ! TEDDY And bring along my bugle. Witherspoon looks on the table, where the bugle is, and then at Mortimer. Mortimer makes a little agreement sign. MORTIMER President. Witherspoon picks up the bugle, and starts walking upstairs. He stops after a few steps, as if he were hesitating. MORTIMER Don't charge ! Mortimer and Witherspoon are exchanging faces. Martha and Abby are whispering into each other's ear. ABBY Mortimer. Mortimer, we're really very worried about something. MORTIMER Oh, now, darling, don't be worried. He kisses Abby. MARTHA Me too, Mortimer. MORTIMER Well, of course, darling. He kisses Martha. MORTIMER You'll both are going to be very happy at Happy Dale, will you. MARTHA Oh yes, dear, we're very happy about the whole thing, but that's just it. We don't want anything to go wrong. MORTIMER Well, what would go wrong ? ABBY Mortimer, will they investigate those signatures ? MORTIMER Oh, no, they won't look up Dr. Einstein... MARTHA But it's not his signature, dear. It's yours. MORTIMER Mine ? ABBY You see, you signed as next of kin. MORTIMER Oh, what's wrong about that, darling ? ABBY Well... Martha, you tell him now. MARTHA Well, dear. MORTIMER What, dear ? MARTHA You're not really a Brewster. Mortimer, who had a happy smile on his face until now, suddenly looks very surprised. MORTIMER Huh ? What ? What ? ABBY Your mother came to us as a cook. And you were born about three months afterwards. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook, we didn't want to lose her. So brother married her. Your real father was a cook, too. He was a chef on a tramp steamer. MORTIMER You mean... you mean I'm not really a Brewster ?... Oh ! He almost falls backward. Both sisters catch him up. MARTHA Oh, darling ! Don't feel so badly about it. ABBY I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. He yells several whooping cries and then kisses them both very affectionately. Then he rushes to the window, jumps into the open window-seat, opens the drapes and yells outside. MORTIMER Elaine ! Elaine ! Where are you ? Can you hear me ? I'm not really a Brewster ! I'm the son of a sea cook ! We hear Elaine screaming. Elaine comes running upstairs from the cellar. ELAINE Mortimer ! Mortimer ! Mortimer ! It's true ! It's true ! I saw them. Mortimer, it's true. Rooney and Saunders come out of the kitchen. ELAINE It's true ! There are thirteen bodies down there ! Mortimer tries to make her shut up, and succeeds only by kissing her very passionately on the mouth. ELAINE (mumbles through Mortimer's mouth) But I saw them LIEUTENANT ROONEY What's all this screaming about ? Elaine tries to put a few words but Mortimer keeps on kissing her. ELAINE (mumbles through Mortimer's mouth) But I saw them... MORTIMER It's way past her bedtime. With his mouth still pressed on her, he lifts her and carries her across the room to the front door. MORTIMER Quiet ! ELAINE But, Mortimer... MORTIMER Goodbye ! He opens the door and rushes outside. The two sisters come to the door, waving goodbyes to him. ABBY Bye. MARTHA Goodbye, darling ! LIEUTENANT ROONEY What is all this ? ABBY They're going on their honeymoon. LIEUTENANT ROONEY Well, they're off to a flying start. The two sisters burst laughing and turn to the door. BREWSTER RESIDENCE - EXTERIOR NIGHT Mortimer comes out of the house, still carrying Elaine with his mouth pressed on her. O'Hara and the cab driver, who were chatting together, jump up and look at the strange couple. Mortimer, still carrying Elaine, moves along the house, with the cab driver following him. O'HARA (finishing the story he was telling the cab driver) I pull my gun at... CAB DRIVER Hey ! MORTIMER What ? ELAINE I really did see... CAB DRIVER Hey ! You'll own two cabs ! MORTIMER Huh ? CAB DRIVER I mean the meter ! Elaine, eventually, comes out of her hysteria. She puts her arms around Mortimer, and talks to him in a very sweet voice. ELAINE Oh, Mortimer. They kiss very tenderly. The cab driver comes closer to the couple and looks at their closed-eyes faces. CAB DRIVER (imitating Elaine's voice) Oh, Mortimer. Mortimer turns to him. MORTIMER (to the cab driver) Oh, we're going to Niagara Falls. Call me a cab, dear. CAB DRIVER Yes, love. The cab driver realizes his mistake and checks himself. CAB DRIVER But, Mister Brewster ! MORTIMER No, no, I'm not a Brewster. I'm a son of a sea cook. He laughs and lifts a very surprised Elaine on his shoulder, and runs through the churchyard towards Reverend Harper's house. MORTIMER Charge ! The cab driver puts his hands to his face, then takes them away and yells : CAB DRIVER I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a coffeepot ! With one hand on his cap, and the other hand extended on his side, he mimes a coffeepot. In the background, we see Mortimer entering the house, with Elaine still on his shoulder. The cab driver drops his arms and walks back to his taxi. FADE OUT TO BLACK SCREEN THE END END CREDITS Both the words «The End» and the credits are written in white letters on a cartoon representing a village with a sorceress flying on a broomstick above the village.