Austin Powers 2
Austin Powers 2







MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting

NARRATOR

In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the 
Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. 
Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to 
the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or 
so he thought.

2 EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE).

SUPER: The French Riviera

3 INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY

Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon 
Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle.

4 INT. HOTEL SUITE

FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She 
plays with his chest hair.

VANESSA

I love you, Mr. Powers.

AUSTIN

And I love you, Mrs. Powers.

SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see 
Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING 
FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss.

VANESSA

Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look 
at the stars.

5 EXT. HOTEL BALCONY

EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars.

AUSTIN

Look how beautiful the night sky is.

VANESSA

Isn't that the big dipper?

AUSTIN

Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.

VANESSA

Austin!

AUSTIN

(sheepish)

Well, you know.

VANESSA

Hey, I've never seen that big star before.

AUSTIN

Yeah, what is that?

Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look.

6 AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT

7 EXT. SPACE

EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket.

8 INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE

DR. EVIL

This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my 
sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth?

The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS.

9 EXT. SPACE

The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's

rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out.

10 SFX: PLOOP!

Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth

11 INT. HOTEL ROOM

Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door.

AUSTIN

Oh well, I guess it was nothing.

A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which 
obscure her face.

AUSTIN

Care for some champagne?

(pouring)

Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy!

Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned.



AUSTIN

Hello? Vanessa? What are you

doing, luv?

VANESSA

(back turned)

Just putting on my--

As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER 
FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth 
should be.

FEMBOT VANESSA

(computer voice)

MAKE-UP!

AUSTIN

(frightened)

Vanessa, you're a Fembot!

They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of 
Vanessa's breasts.

AUSTIN

Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those?

VANESSA

(robot voice)

PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY.

Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO.

Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK.

Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She 
rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then 
Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCI- switch and hits it.

She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES.

Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, 
saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of 
it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring.

MUSIC: very sad piano

AUSTIN

(very sad)

I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman 
who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, 
the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How 
will I ever go on?

(beat)

Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave!

12 INT. LOBBY - HOTEL

Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, 
Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits 
and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase.

AUSTIN

Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free!

13 SEQUENCE CREDIT

MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES

PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as 
the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears 
STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we

FREEZE FRAME.

14 EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA

European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His 
bottom half is blocked by a

bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to 
be revealed-

A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the 
camera and puts his hand to his

mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME.

A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a 
credit. Austin just laughs...crazy,

man!

Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed 
by a NUDE MARCHING BAND.

A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude 
Beach". Austin enters from the left. 

We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is 
about to appear from behind the

sign, a...

CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise 
as he walks.

15 NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE

A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare 
chest. Austin lays on his back

beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears.

The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The 
credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks

her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks 
into frame; the "PRODUCTION

DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest.

Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear 
everywhere to block all possible

combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make 
saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at

crazy angles.

A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked 
by the "WIRITTEN BY" credit. 

Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from 
his waist. Austin looks proud.

A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier 
weight. A much longer credit sticks

out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts.

Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit 
"DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline

and does the splits in mid-air:

FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. 
Austin smiles crazily, his penis

blocked by "JAY ROACH."

Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR.

AUSTIN

Shaguar, baby, yeah!

CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it 
would normally read "Jaguar". 

The car speeds off.

16 FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a 
Nazi father and his Nazi son, and

SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel.

Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE 
WORLD"

JERRY SPRINGER

If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and 
wants to take

over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to 
share with your

father before the break.

BOBBY

Dad, I know you're against racemixing and all that, but I met 
someone...

KLANSMAN

Don't say it!

The crowd WHOOPS.

BOBBY

I met someone ... and he's black.

The crowd goes crazy.

KLANSMAN

He?

The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands.

JERRY SPRINGER

Please welcome Tim.

A handsome Blaire Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the 
Klansman's son. The crowd screams.

JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL.

JERRY SPRINGER

Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us.

SCOTT

Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations 
for world

domination.

JERRY SPRINGER

And where is your father right now?

SCOTT

He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed 
inside a Big Boy

rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.

JERRY SPRINGER

Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out 
Scott's

father, Dr Evil.

Dr Evil enters.

Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"

DR. EVIL

Hello Scott, I'm back.

SCOTT

I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!

DR. EVIL

They offered me a free makeover.

JERRY SPRINGER

Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to 
their sons,

sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share?

DR. EVIL

Share?

JERRY SPRINGER

Yes, don't you have any secrets?

DR. EVIL

OK. I have a vestigial tail.

Everyone is a little grossed out.

DR. EVIL

It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little 
longer than it

should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and 
you're a poet,

twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted 
by Sebastian

Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was

lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one 
sip of milk

and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in 
fragrance delicto

by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having 
Hank hear me

say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments 
is that I never

became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple 
threat, kind of

like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would 
possess nuclear

weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I 
once sat on a

bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up 
with was a

sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and 
perhaps a

grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the 
most part I

distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On 
second

thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my 
right

testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the 
Christmas babies

told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The 
Fonze while I was

in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the 
end of the day

can honestly say they haven't done that?

The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet.

KLANSMAN

What are you, some kind of freak?

SCOTT

Shut up, jagoff!

Studio audience whoops at this.

KLANSMAN

I'll kick your ass punk!

Crowd goes crazy.

DR. EVIL

No one talks to my boy that way!

Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. 
Security men, with headsets on, rush in

to separate them.

DR. EVIL

I'm OK, I'm OK.

There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking 
him down.

DR. EVIL

Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair.

17 EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY

We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of 
the building and we see a giant

STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters.

18 INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM

The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: 
large logo, clear canisters full

of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere 
there is a Starbucks.

Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and 
lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott

and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves 
everyone steaming hot coffee products.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I 
seized upon the

opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company 
several years

ago. Today, Starbucks is a far-flung empire with 2000 outlets 
worldwide.

DR. EVIL

Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe.

NUMBER TWO

If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from 
world

domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, 
we can

increase our gross profits fivefold.

Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK 
MUSTACHE on his upper lip.

DR. EVIL

Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. 
Might I

remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect.

NUMBER TWO

(indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache)

Dr. Evil, I think you--

DR. EVIL

Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what 
happened last time.

19 FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE)

Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit.

20 INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS

Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow.

NUMBER TWO

May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our 
little...misunderstanding.

DR. EVIL

Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is

einen?

We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before.

FRAU

Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.

DR. EVIL

How are things?

FRAU

I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To 
my right is

my lover.

We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow.

FRAU

Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour.

DR. EVIL

Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.

Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk 
mustache even larger.

FRAU

Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.'

DR. EVIL

(wiping it off, embarrassed)

Oh, I know. I know.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce

the Greek assassin, Oedipus.

We see a swarthy Greek army guy.

DR. EVIL

Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited?

OEDIPUS

I could give a shit.

DR. EVIL

Kiss your mother with that mouth?

OEDIPUS

Yes.

DR. EVIL

Of course you do.

Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his 
control panel, but Number Two

interrupts.

NUMBER TWO

(clearing throat)

Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen 
far exceeds our

ability to replace them.

DR. EVIL

I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life 
is to rotate

your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy 
French cheese. 

It's like frickin' heroin.

NUMBER TWO

Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, 
we began a

program to clone you.

DR. EVIL

Cool.

NUMBER TWO

We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the 
results.

FRAU

(shouting)

Send in the clone!

MUSIC: dramatic sting

We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like 
Dr. Evil, only much larger and

scarier.

NUMBER TWO

He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your 
size.

We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, 
just like the creepy mini-Marlon

Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's 
mannerisms including holding his tiny

pinky to his tiny mouth.

DR. EVIL

Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini-Me.

(to clone)

Mini-Me, you will sit to my right.

Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command 
chair.

DR. EVIL

Come Mr. Bigglesworth!

The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A 
bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps

into Mini-Me's lap.

DR. EVIL

Mini-me, something to eat?

(expectant pause)

No?

(pause)

OK.

(to room)

Tired.

Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in 
the world is

the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, 
subject to

temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: 
we make it

seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" 
with- and this

is the kicker-

DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL.

DR. EVIL

With a White House intern!

Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me.

NUMBER TWO

(clearing his throat)

Uh-hem.

DR. EVIL

What, that already happened?

Number Two nods.

DR. EVIL

This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time 
machine? Does

the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that?

NUMBER TWO

No, not that I'm aware of.

DR. EVIL

Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme 
I've hatched

has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and 
gentlemen?

SCOTT

Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a 
dope?

Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" 
button on Dr. Evil's control panel. 

Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and 
GIVES HIM THE FINGER.

DR. EVIL

No, because Austin Powers has "mojo".

NUMBER TWO

Mojo?

FRAU

Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, 
the "right

stuff".

DR. EVIL

It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.'

SCOTT

If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill 
Austin Powers

when he's a baby or something?

DR. EVIL

No, no, no.

NUMBER TWO

(interrupting)

Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the 
future to play the

stock market? We could literally make trillions.

DR. EVIL

(smug laugh to himself)

Why make trillions when we could make...

(pause)

Billions?

NUMBER TWO

Excuse me?

DR. EVIL

Why think small is all I'm saying.

SCOTT

A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

DR. EVIL

Zip it. Unveil the time portal!

A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering 
energy.

DR. EVIL

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, 
Austin Powers

was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years 
after he was

frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally 
helpless. 

First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of 
the world.

SCOTT

Can I come?

DR. EVIL

No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the 
snake to my

mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I 
don't know

animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, 
Number 2, I'll

see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me.

Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him 
perfectly. They enter the portal. 

There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star 
Trek.

21 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 1969

Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into 
a NEW LAIR. It is a large

hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and 
tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau

sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch.

DR. EVIL

Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful 
and healthy.

(turning to Frau)

And Frau you look...right.

As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the 
floor. Everyone takes a seat, but

Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He 
is frightened. One of the rising

chairs hits him in the crotch.

DR. EVIL

OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another 
one of these

chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want 
you to meet

Number Two.

NUMBER TWO

Hello there.

Mini-me says nothing.

DR. EVIL

Mini-Me?

Mini-me still says nothing.

DR. EVIL

Shy. Low blood sugar.

(to room)

Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the 
Ministry of

Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine.

Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window.

DR. EVIL

(maniacal laugh)

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

22 EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - 1969

We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a 
Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr.

Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island.

DR. EVIL (VO)

(maniacal laugh)

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

23 INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - 1969

We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we 
see two digital clocks. One reads:

CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: 
NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS

GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike 
Myers).

BRITISH COLONEL

We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. 
The contents

of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert.

FAT SOLDIER

(thick Scottish accent)

Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen 
to this wee

naked hairy popsicle, sir!

BRITISH COLONEL

Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake!

They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits.

FAT SOLDIER

Yessir!

(sotto after the Colonel)

I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English 
Colonel

Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing-our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize-
our-Scottish-Independence!

The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes 
out of them, filling the room. 

The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious.

He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech 
syringe type device with an LED graph on

the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from 
red to green, indicating FULL

MOJO.

24 EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY

Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS 
COFFEE and listening to the Jag's

in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to 
sputter. The fuel gauge reads

empty.

AUSTIN

Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar 
up this

morning.

Austin hits a button on the dashboard.

BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash.

BASIL EXPOSITION

(on picture phone)

Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence.

AUSTIN

You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, 
I've run out

of petrol.

BASIL EXPOSITION

We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon?

AUSTIN

Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot!

BASIL EXPOSITION

Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your 
new case.

AUSTIN

New case? Very shagadelic, Basil!

BASIL EXPOSITION

You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is 
an ex-KGB

agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder.

AUSTIN

That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no 
shagging makes

Austin a dull boy, man!

25 INT. SKI LODGE

Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in 
classic Heffner- bear skin rugs,

leather chairs, roaring fire.

AUSTIN

(looking around)

Tres chic, baby.

REG, the photo assistant, enters.

REG

Austin, the models are ready.

AUSTIN

Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any 
hobbies?

REG

What?

AUSTIN

Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models!

The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say 
CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and

also one MODEL we don't know.

SUPERMODELS

(circling Austin)

It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers!

Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.'

AUSTIN

One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time!

CINDY

Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

AUSTIN

Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, 
yeah!

REBECCA

How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca.

(indicating the photo gear)

Your equipment is quite impressive.

AUSTIN

Thank you. Your breasts are amazing.

Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular.

AUSTIN

And what's your name, baby?

MODEL

(thick Russian accent)

Ivana Humpalot.

AUSTIN

Excuse me?

IVANA

Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.

AUSTIN

And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the 
cards, now is

it?

Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy.

AUSTIN (VO)

(inner monologue)

Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca 
Romajin...or Ivana

Humpalot? Think, man, think!

Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a 
photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc.

AUSTIN

Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing!

Cindy gets on all fours.

AUSTIN

Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes.

(angry)

No! No!

FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out.

AUSTIN

(to Rebecca)

Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a 
tiger, baby!

You're great! You're Grrrrrr-eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, 
baby, be

frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur.

Rebecca looks confused.

REBECCA

A lemur?

AUSTIN

A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you 
know. Like

this!

(imitating lemur)

OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's 
all you've got.

(beat)

I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing!

FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic.

AUSTIN

And...done! I'm spent!

Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it.

REG

Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana.

AUSTIN

I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 
'private

session'.

Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are 
left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and

the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up.

MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH

IVANA

When did you get "The Clapper"?

AUSTIN

November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.

IVANA

Are you cold, Mr. Powers?

AUSTIN

I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my 
tadger into a

brandy snifter.

Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby.

IVANA

Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

AUSTIN

I can guess, baby.

IVANA

We play chess.

AUSTIN

I guessed wrong.

IVANA

It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know 
what they say

about men with big brains, don't you?

AUSTIN

They wear large hats?

IVANA

No, they make better lovers.

AUSTIN

Wrong again.

Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The 
Thomas Crowne Affair).

IVANA

I assume you know how to play.

She runs the bishop across her lips sexily.

AUSTIN

Of course. The...horsey...moves in an L shape.

Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece.

AUSTIN

Let's stop playing games with each other...especially difficult 
ones. May I

ask you a question, Miss Humpalot?

IVANA

Of course.

AUSTIN

Do I make you horny? Do I?

Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug.

IVANA

I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me.

She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair.

IVANA

You are hairy, like an animal!

AUSTIN

(growling and barking)

Grrrr, baby.

Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug.

AUSTIN

Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf!

(covers the bear's eyes)

Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job!

IVANA

Make love to me, monkey man.

AUSTIN

Groovy, baby!

We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted

wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So 
does the music.

IVANA (OC)

What's the matter?

CUT TO:

26 MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE

A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is 
lowered to half mast. A giant

redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. 
An actual scientific diagram of

a penis in the refractory period.

27 INT. LODGE

AUSTIN

(to camera)

Crikey, I've lost my mojo.

28 EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE)

An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING.

29 EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE

SUPER: "Ministry of Defense"

30 INT. MOD - HALLWAY

Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Where is he? In here?

31 INT. MOD - LAB

Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin 
lies in bed hooked up to lots of

monitoring equipment.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Austin, I came as soon as I heard.

AUSTIN

There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and 
I didn't know

it.

Austin holds his neck very stiffly.

BASIL EXPOSITION

What's wrong with your neck, Austin?

AUSTIN

(turning stiffly to face Basil)

I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff 
neck for

hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo?

BASIL EXPOSITION

We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, 
we'll get to

the bottom of this.

32 INT. MRI MACHINE

Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: 
the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo

meter reads VERY LOW.

33 INT. MOD LAB

MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks 
transform the room into a love lair: A

pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record 
on a turntable. Examination

lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a 
videotape marked "SWEDISH

EDUCATIONAL FILM."

Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed 
reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY

STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit.

NURSE

Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we 
begin the

test.

AUSTIN

(not paying attention to her)

Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez 
crisis.

An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters.

AUSTIN

What's going on?

BASIL EXPOSITION

Alright, everyone, we're done.

AUSTIN

But the test hasn't even started!

BASIL EXPOSITION

Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually 
reading an

article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to 
give you a sponge

bath didn't so much as turn your head.

AUSTIN

Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article 
was so

fascinating--

BASIL EXPOSITION

I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo.

Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY.

AUSTIN

(crushed)

Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. 
I think it's

time to retire.

BASIL EXPOSITION

I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has 
returned.

AUSTIN

Again?

BASIL EXPOSITION

Again.

34 INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM

Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the 
largest room you've ever seen in your

life.

BASIL EXPOSITION

We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine.

Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous 
villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and

Donald Trump.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have 
changed. That

means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances 
with each

decade's most despised villains.

Austin tries to read them and gets queasy.

AUSTIN

I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy.

Austin burps and swallows it.

AUSTIN

Got it. I almost gipped.

BASIL EXPOSITION (VO)

Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we 
also have a

time travel device. After years of research we've developed a 
machine that

will transport you back to the Sixties.

A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new 
VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up

psychedelic by Peter Max.

AUSTIN

But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle?

BASIL EXPOSITION

That's what they'd like you to believe.

AUSTIN

So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I 
could go look

at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I 
have been

unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties?

(goes cross-eyed)

Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.

BASIL EXPOSITION

(to camera)

I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy 
yourself.

Austin gets into the car and turns it on.

AUSTIN

This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my 
mojo, defeat

Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Good luck, Austin.

AUSTIN

Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil.

Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes 
some equipment.

AUSTIN

Sorry.

(changing gears)

Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah!

The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving 
flaming tread marks.

FLASH CUT TO:

35 EXT. STREET - LONDON - 1969

The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a 
stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a

hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out.

AUSTIN

I feel better already, man!

Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being 
TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd

gathers around the car.

36 EXT. PARK - LONDON

Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that 
Austin is being watched through

binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN.

PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching 
both of them. From this distance

we can't tell who she is.

A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all 
descriptions dance to the music

of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING 
TEA."

AUSTIN

Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig!

Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the 
scene. The lead singer of the

band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the 
band starts a new song: "SEXUAL

REVOLUTION."

Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins 
involving the outdoor crowd a la

Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair.

AUSTIN

(singing)

'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION,

YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR.

PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS

AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE.

Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically.

AUSTIN

(singing)

HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES...

YOU MAKES US BORED!

THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER

THAN THE SWORD

Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM 
ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT.

AUSTIN

(singing)

THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION

AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET

PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS

AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET

Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT.

AUSTIN

(singing)

HEY SQUARE WORLD

THE END IS NIGH.

WHEN WE SAY HUMP

YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?'

Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for 
the big finale. The assassin and

the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on 
Austin. All we see of the woman

are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION.

AUSTIN

(singing)

SO GO MAKE LOVE

OR MASTURBATE&emdash;

SEXUAL FREEDOM

WILL NEVER BE

OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE!

Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. 
The dancers crouch-walk towards

the camera.

EVERYONE

(chanting)

FREE-- LOVE!

(louder)

FREE-- LOVE!

(louder)

FREE-- LOVE!

(shouting)

IT'S THE SIXTIES!

The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their 
arms outstretched, panting. Austin

breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of 
the Dance.

We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the 
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching

Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face.

37 EXT. CARNABY ST.

Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. 
Sitting in a parked Citroen

watching him is the ASSASSIN.

The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street.

The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg.

The business man nods to a BOBBY.

The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.

The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME.

The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup.

The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof.

The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF.

The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR.

The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD.

The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on 
a double-decker bus.

The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER.

The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by.

38 INT. CITROEN

The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole 
nodding sequence was a circular waste

of time.

39 EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES

Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. 
He dives out of the way and

takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE 
MAKING OUT against a wall by

hugging himself.

The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. 
Austin turns as he hears a car

HONK.

It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. 
We see her in her entirety for

the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair 
and wears a tight racing suit,

unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion.

She is FELICITY SHAGWELL.

MUSIC: Felicity's Theme

FELICITY

Care for a ride?

AUSTIN

That's my Beetle, baby.

FELICITY

It was your Beetle. Get in.

Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off.

40 INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION)

Felicity drives expertly.

FELICITY

Austin Powers, I presume?

AUSTIN

Powers by name, Powers by reputation.

FELICITY

Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by 
reputation.

AUSTIN

(turning to camera)

Crazy, baby!

41 EXT. ROAD

The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. 
The assassin FIRES.

42 INT. BEETLE

Felicity turns around to look.

FELICITY

Grab the wheel, would you?

Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and 
FIRES out the window.

43 EXT. ROAD

The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he 
jumps out as it goes over.

44 EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN

The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three 
times before it EXPLODES.

45 EXT. CLIFF

The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls.

ASSASSIN

Ahhhhhhhh!

46 EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN

Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles 
down the cliff, bouncing three

times before it, too, EXPLODES.

FELICITY

Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match.

AUSTIN

Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again.

FELICITY

I was talking about me.

She smiles, turns, and walks away.

47 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD

The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing 
illumination. Suddenly, Austin and

Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight.

AUSTIN

Welcome to my shag pad, baby.

Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi-fi, and 
Warhol silk screens of Austin. 

Austin blows DUST off a table.

AUSTIN

Care for something to drink?

Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar.

AUSTIN

Or perhaps something to read?

Austin walks seductively over to the real- .-;etbar and hits a 
button. It revolves to reveal-a

bookcase.

AUSTIN

How about a hot cup of coffee?

FELICITY

Yes, I rather fancy a grind.

AUSTIN

Oh, Behave!

Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup.

MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM

AUSTIN

Would you like a...mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage?

Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the 
floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed;

red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back 
to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end

table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils.

Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her.

AUSTIN

How does that feel, baby?

FELICITY

Mmm, lower.

AUSTIN

(lowering his voice)

HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY?

They laugh. Austin continues to massage her.

FELICITY

Wait, something's itching me.

She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, 
revealing her naked back.

FELICITY

That's better.

AUSTIN

Crikey!!!

Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her.

AUSTIN

Sorry.

Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the 
bed.

AUSTIN

(talking to his crotch)

Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England.

Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked.

FELICITY

Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily.

AUSTIN

Would you 'like to see my etchings?

FELICITY

(sexy)

I think I'm ready for bed.

She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the 
bed.

AUSTIN

I'll get you some PJs.

FELICITY

No, I'm ready for bed.

She moves over to him. He avoids her.

AUSTIN

Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then.

Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs 
him and pins him to the bed.

FELICITY

No, I want to have sex with you, Austin.

AUSTIN

Hello Vicar!

FELICITY

I've studied everything about you- your methods, your 
accomplishments, your

preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited 
two years

to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time.

Austin sits up.

AUSTIN

(reflective)

Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess...I guess 
I've changed. 

Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to 
keep talking in a

repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to 
remember what I

was talking about in the first place, but- where was I?

MUSIC: sad instrumental

AUSTIN

Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo.

FELICITY

(obviously disappointed)

Oh.

AUSTIN

I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it 
hasn't.

FELICITY

Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my 
guru. Ringo

recommended him and he's the best.

AUSTIN

I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby!

48 EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET

Austin's plane in flight.

49 EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE

EXT./INT. BEETLE

Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection 
of India.

51 INT. ASHRAM

It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. 
Austin and Felicity enter.

MUSIC: sitar

FELICITY

There he is. That's my guru.

We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright 
red sari.

FELICITY

Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers.

AUSTIN

How are you baby?

GURU PITKA

My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise.

AUSTIN

Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab.

FELICITY

Guru, we need some advice.

GURU PITKA

Hold your horses and any other beasts-of burden. I must lead my 
disciples in

meditation and then I-will help you.

The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to 
their knees.

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhhh!

GURU PITKA

My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have 
combined many

disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human 
potentiality and

equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a 
chaste man who

died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the 
hallmarks of

syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is 
breath.

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhhh!

GURU PITKA

Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. 
Well, when we

were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would 
urinate into a

bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for 
"Stinkmop" and a

very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't 
know, the

name kind of stuck.

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhhhhh...

GURU PITKA

Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is 
that 'therapist'

often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain 
potentiality. Now

what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals 
that we wish to

achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel 
"nowhere", and I

am going to change that to "Now here."

The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!"

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhhhh...

GURU PITKA

And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you 
"assume" You make

an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME."

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhhhh....

GURU PITKA

The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. 
It is not the

taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are 
not our

mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap!

Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE 
GAP" with the familiar Gap font.

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhh...

GURU PITKA

(rapid fire)

The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. 
There is no

"I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a 
wooden nickel. 

If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand 
close or you'll

piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up 
with smelly

finger.

DISCIPLES

Ahhhhh...

GURU PITKA

Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of 
ego. Leggo of

my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant 
Yu Hu...Om Ay

Vant Yu Hu.

DISCIPLES

(chanting)

Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu.

The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo.

GURU PITKA

Go with God, and pay at the door please.

The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach.

GURU PITKA

How can I help you?

AUSTIN

Guru, I'm having trouble performing.

GURU PITKA

What do you mean?

AUSTIN

You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy.

GURU PITKA

I'm not understanding.

AUSTIN

I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy-Daddy dance.

GURU PITKA

Still not clear.

AUSTIN

My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it.

GURU PITKA

Sorry?

AUSTIN.

My Willie don't work.

GURU PITKA

Why are you beating around the bush?

AUSTIN

That's my problem.

GURU PITKA

Ohhhhh, I get it.

(beat)

No, I don't get it.

FELICITY

He's impotent!

AUSTIN

Alright, easy.

(to Guru)

Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't 
bat for six.

GURU PITKA

Oh, yes, I see.

AUSTIN

You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?

GURU PITKA

Not a word.

AUSTIN

Guru, I've lost my mojo.

GURU PITKA

Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo 
because your

chakras are misaligned. You have lost love.

AUSTIN

Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa?

FELICITY

Who's Vanessa?

AUSTIN

She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved 
her.

GURU PITKA

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your 
mojo back

when you surround yourself with love.

AUSTIN

Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, 
baby! Tune in,

turn on, and drop out!

GURU PITKA

I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you 
are worthy.

AUSTIN

No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to 
throw a

swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah!

52 INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR

Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT 
BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and

when he swears he is bleeped.

DR. EVIL

Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo?

FAT BASTARD

First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta (bleep)in, 
turtle head

pokin' out.

DR. EVIL

(disgusted)

Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat 
Bastard do

you?

FAT BASTARD

I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight 
issues ain't

one of them.

DR. EVIL

Alright, Fatty-

FAT BASTARD

The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height 
and I was born

out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not 
kiddin'. I've got

a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.

DR. EVIL

Fat Bastard, the mojo?

FAT BASTARD

Where's my (bleeping) money?

DR. EVIL

A gentlemen never discusses money.

FAT BASTARD

Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your 
(bleep), you

stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my 
greasy, two-toned

(bleep)!

DR. EVIL

(pause)

Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.

FAT BASTARD

(Bleeb) you!

DR. EVIL

Right. Bring in the money.

Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with 
gold bars.

FAT BASTARD

Alright, here it is.

Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. 
Dr. Evil is mesmerized.

DR. EVIL

Mini-Me, fetch.

Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it 
to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and

places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL.

NUMBER TWO enters.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the 
Sixties. One of

our best assassins spotted him but he got away.

DR. EVIL

This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo.

NUMBER TWO

There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA.

Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL.

DR. EVIL

Scott, what are you doing here?

SCOTT

I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The 
Courtship of

Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just 
listening to that

theme song--

(hums/sings the theme)

Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things 
out. You know,

you are my Dad and I need you.

DR. EVIL

You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my 
image. He's

evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into 
most overhead

storage bins.

(looking around)

Has anyone seen Mini-Me?

(calling out)

Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a 
frickin' bell

on him or something?

Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits 
a button and a model moon and a

model earth descend.

DR. EVIL

Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let 
me

demonstrate.

(beat)

Where's my laser?

Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model 
laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his

mouth

DR. EVIL

Mini-Me, don't chew my laser.

(to room)

Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK.

(pause)

No? Nothing?

(back to model)

Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the 
planet at

will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death 
Star".

Scott SNICKERS.

DR. EVIL

What?

SCOTT

(snickering again)

Nothing Darth.

DR. EVIL

What did you call me?

SCOTT

Nothing.

(pretends to sneeze)

Rip-off!

DR. EVIL

(unsure)

Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by 
the noted

Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his 
honor-- the

Alan Parsons Project.

Scott SNICKERS again.

DR. EVIL

What now?

SCOTT

The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. 
Why don't you

just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

DR. EVIL

(indicating laser)

When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you 
want. 

Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the 
Alan Parsons

Project. Fire the laser!

53 INSERT SHOT:

A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White 
House, causing it to explode.

Everyone is shocked by the laser's power.

NUMBER TWO

My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning!

DR. EVIL

Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion 
Picture

Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you 
think, Scott?

SCOTT

Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive.

DR. EVIL

Shhhh!

SCOTT

I'm nineteen, I don't-

DR. EVIL

Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh-shh! It's Morse code.

(reading imaginary paper)

Let me decipher...it says 'shhhhh!'

SCOTT

You are so lame-

DR. EVIL

(like Electric Company)

Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh!

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers?

DR. EVIL

Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a 
vicious killer. 

Take care of it.

FAT BASTARD

It'll be my pleasure.

DR. EVIL

It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless?

54 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT

A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full 
swing. A girl dances in an

oversized birdcage.

AUSTIN

This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah!

The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the 
music.

Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. 
He gently lifts her drink and

cigarette away from her.

PREGNANT WOMAN

Hey!

AUSTIN

You'll thank me later, baby.

Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing.

AUSTIN

(noticing someone)

Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?

We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair.

RICARDO

Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because 
he had too.

AUSTIN

(to camera)

Crazy, man!

FELICITY

Let's split up and scope the scene.

AUSTIN

Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me.

Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off.

AUSTIN

Oh, behave!

CUT TO:

Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick.

AUSTIN

(to chick)

You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you?

CHICK

No.

AUSTIN

Would you like to?

CUT TO:

An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy.

ALAN ZEUS GUY

(rolling his eyes)

This is ridiculous!

CUT TO:

A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs.

LONDON COP

Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

FELICITY

No, but I bet it really hurts.

CUT TO:

A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides 
through the party and falls over.

CUT TO:

Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY 
DICTIONARY".

AUSTIN

The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a 
frosty prosty.

CUT TO:

An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka.

ESKIMO

(to camera)

I don't get it.

CUT TO:

The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very 
tight.

AUSTIN

Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?

FELICITY

Well you can start by buying me a drink.

Austin does a spit take.

CUT TO:

Felicity with a VIKING.

VIKING

You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor.

FELICITY

You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit.

CUT TO:

Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's 
Heroes.

AUSTIN

(German accent)

Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese 
food. An

hour later I was hungry- for power.

CUT TO:

ZEUS GUY

Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?

CUT TO:

AUSTIN

Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be 
married?

FELICITY

Yeah, I heard she broke it off.

CUT TO:

Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take.

CUT TO:

ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant.

ARTIE JOHNSON

Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid!

CUT TO:

Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which 
is totally fuzzy. He looks over

and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and 
dark triangle.

Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl 
in a flesh-colored dress. In

between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a 
triangular martini glass filled with a

Cosmopolitan.

CUT TO:

Cut to Austin and Felicity together again.

FELICITY

Look at that.

She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing.

AUSTIN

That's not a pretty sight. Who is he?

FELICITY

Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he 
might be a

double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil.

AUSTIN

How do you know?

FELICITY

We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's 
made a lot of

cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and 
he's becomes

quite a fixture on the London party circuit.

AUSTIN

Who's the girl?

FELICITY

I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting.

Fat Bastard exits.

FELICITY

I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll 
rendezvous

later.

Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way 
over to the girl.

AUSTIN

Hello, hello.

GIRL

Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party.

AUSTIN

Who are you today, baby?

GIRL

Robin. Robin Swallows.

AUSTIN

Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English?

ROBIN SWALLOWS

German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz.

AUSTIN

Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a 
pleasure.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

The pleasure is mine.

She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, 
her cleavage undulates like

jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long.

AUSTIN

Charmed, I'm sure.

(still shaking, her breasts jiggle)

How do you do?

(still shaking, jiggling)

Yes, quite.

(shakes, jiggles)

I always enjoy meeting new people.

(shakes, jiggles)

How's your mum? Good.

(shakes, jiggles)

I love shaking hands.

Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger 
of popping out of her dress.

AUSTIN

(snapping out of it)

So, who was your friend?

ROBIN SWALLOWS

His name is Fat Bastard.

AUSTIN

It suits him.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

He's my lover.

Austin is grossed out.

AUSTIN

OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named 
Mr. Evil?

ROBIN SWALLOWS

I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.

AUSTIN

Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take.

AUSTIN

Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper?

ROBIN SWALLOWS

Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.

AUSTIN

Really? I said Mister Pepper.

Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him 
close.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime.

AUSTIN

Oh, behave!

CUT TO:

55 ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO

ALAN ZEUS TYPE

Meanwhile...

BACK TO:

56 EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT

Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his

order.

FAT BASTARD

...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, 
two whole

chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, 
bangers and

mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and...a Fresca. No ice.

We pan to see Felicity beside him.

FELICITY

I love a man with a large appetite.

FAT BASTARD

And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to 
(bleep)ing.

Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile.

57 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT

Austin and Robin are the only ones left. They are dancing a weird 
Sixties dance.

AUSTIN

Can I ask you a question?

ROBIN SWALLOWS

Yes.

AUSTIN

Thank you.

Beat.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

Well, what's the question?

AUSTIN

Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you?

ROBIN SWALLOWS

I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right...over...here.

Robin moves Austin into place as they dance.

AUSTIN

You're a bit of alright.

Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF 
AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to

throw a knife.

Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES 
HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the

knife squarely in the back.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

(strained)

Oedipus...use the revolver.

Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to 
use Robin AS A SHIELD. She

takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

(strained)

Oedipus...use the machine gun.

Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez-
like flurry of events, Austin

dodges while still USING HER AS A SHIELD.

Oedipus throws down his gun and charges Austin. Austin uses 
Robin's body to block Oedipus's head

butt, but his momentum pushes all three of them through a PLATE 
GLASS WINDOW of his second story

loft.

58 IN MID-AIR

As they fall, Austin turns Robin around so that she is between 
him and the ground.

59 EXT. OUTSIDE AUSTINIS FLAT

They land with a THUD. Robin cushions Austin's fall. Oedipus is 
dead on the pavement.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

Oedipus, Oedipus...

AUSTIN

Sorry baby, too late. He's as dead as vaudeville.

ROBIN SWALLOWS

You can't win, Powers. Dr. Evil has your mojo and it's only a 
matter of time

before he kills you and takes over the world.

(weak)

Tell Fat Bastard I'll miss him...

CUT TO:

60 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Felicity is in bed, naked under the sheets, smoking a cigarette. 
We hear strange sounds offstage. 

We pan over to reveal she's IN BED WITH A NAKED FAT BASTARD!

He is eating a huge turkey leg, his face covered in food.

FAT BASTARD

I always get (bleep)in' hungry after I get my end away!

FELICITY

I never would have thought that a man of such tremendous girth 
could be such a,

um, creative and sensuous lover!

FAT BASTARD

You want some chicken? I have more!

He rolls over to reveal his HUGE NAKED ASS.

Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse, looks around for 
a place to plant it. She sees

his enormous butt cleavage and realizes that there's only one 
place for the thing to go.

ANGLE on FAT BASTARD'S face. He is delighted.

FAT BASTARD

Frisky are we? Alright lets have another go!

She is horrified.

61 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM

Dr. Evil at his table with Frau, Scott, and Number Two.

DR. EVIL

Get me the President of the United States.

The PRESIDENT appears on Dr. Evil's video screen with his 
ADVISORS behind him.

62 INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)

PRESIDENT

Dr. Evil, what do you want?

DR. EVIL

Now what I want Mr. President, but I will receive. In 12 hours I 
will destroy

Washington, DC with a giant laser.

Dr. Evil reveals a giant laser. Mini-Me is humping it like a dog.

DR. EVIL

OK, Mini-Me, why don't you and the laser get a frickin' room. 
Honestly.

(to President)

I will destroy another major city every hour- that is, unless you 
pay me-

SNAP ZOOM

DR. EVIL

One hundred billion dollars!

The President and his advisors LAUGH.

PRESIDENT

Dr. Evil that's more than the entire federal budget for 1969.

DR. EVIL

Don't play games with me. The capitol will disappear if I don't 
receive

SNAP ZOOM

DR. EVIL

One hundred billion dollars!

His advisors LAUGH.

PRESIDENT

That much money simply doesn't exist. I don't think l00 billion 
is even a

number. It's like saying I want a kajillion bajillion dollars.

His advisors LAUGH.

DR. EVIL

Come on, Mr. President...

SNAP ZOOM:

DR. EVIL

"Show me the money!"

Dr. Evil looks around smugly. No one laughs.

PRESIDENT

What?

SNAP ZOOM:

DR. EVIL

"Show me the money!"

He looks around again, expectantly.

PRESIDENT

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

DR. EVIL

You know, kwan? Show me the money? No? Nothing?

SCOTT

It's 1969. That movie won't come out for another 30 years, ass. 
They don't

know what you're talking about.

DR. EVIL

Right. OK, see if you understand this: give me the money or I'm 
going to blow

you to frickin' bits, OK?

The President and his advisors MURMUR.

PRESIDENT

But-

DR. EVIL

(making 'stop' gesture)

Talk to the hand!

Dr. Evil signs off.

DR. EVIL

(to Scott)

I did love that, though. Cuba Gooding Jr. was outstanding. Oscar 
speech,

very touching.

Scott looks at him with disgust.

DR.EVIL

Okay, everybody clear the room!

Everyone leaves and he walks over to a panel bearing his logo. He 
presses a button, the panel

opens up to reveal...A SECRET SHRINE TO AUSTIN POWERS!

In it we see a huge full-length photo of Austin Powers, and 
various magazine covers.

He presses a button and an Austin wig descends from the ceiling 
landing perfectly on his bald

head. A backless mockup of Austin's suit rises from the floor. He 
puts on a pair of glasses. He

has become Austin Powers.

Dr. Evil cautiously tastes the mojo.

DR. EVIL

Yeah, baby. Very shagedelic.

(beat)

This isn't working. I don't feel anything.

We PUSH IN towards Dr. Evil's head.

FLASH CUT TO:

63 DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE

A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil. Zoom in on his 
head which explodes into 30 other

small Dr. Evil heads which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of 
flowers. The flowers sprout the word

"EVIL'.

A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses 
smashes the flowers, changing the

words from "EVIL" to "VILE" and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE".

Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth 
coming out of their stomachs drop

penis rockets that have the word "GREED" written on the shaft, 
smashing the "LOVE" flowers into

"IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns into submarines, 
which becomes yellow penises of

huge, goose-stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a 
rain of urine that falls on the

Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred Austin Powers citizens. They 
each open an umbrella that says

"LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST". The urine turns into a stream that 
flows into the mouth of a huge head

of Dr. Evil.

FLASH CUT BACK TO:

64 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - AUSTIN SHRINE

Pull back from Dr. Evil's head. He looks dazed and confused. Just 
then, Number Two re-enters the

room, catching Dr. Evil with all his Austin paraphernalia.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, one last thing. I-- oh.

DR. EVIL

I was just...right. Would it kill you to frickin' knock?

65 EXT./INT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

Austin and Felicity walk along the street.

FELICITY

Austin, tell me about the Nineties.

AUSTIN

You know I can't tell you details about the future, baby, it 
could alter

history.

FELICITY

Not details, just what it's like. You know, what's the scene? 
Where's it at?

AUSTIN

There've been a lot of advances in the Nineties, baby. The 
economy is stable,

people take better care of their health concern for the 
environment is on the

rise and, um, let's see, there's an entire television channel 
dedicated to

golf.

FELICITY

Sounds awful.

AUSTIN

It's not so bad once you get used to it. The Nineties are about

responsibility. You know, having respect for yourself and other 
people. I

even got married.

FELICITY

You? Married? What about the sexual revolution?

AUSTIN

Well, it turns out there were some casualties, baby. Don't you 
think you'll

ever get married?

FELICITY

No, not until I get a little more 'experience' under my belt.

AUSTIN

Oh, behave!

Suddenly Austin notices something outside and puts his hand to 
his mouth in fear.

AUSTIN

(wide-eyed)

Oh my God!

Felicity is immediately on her guard. She pulls her gun.

FELICITY

(looking around)

What is it! Is it Fat Bastard?

AUSTIN

No, written here on my hand, see?

Austin turns his hand around to show her. He has written 'oh my 
God' on his hand with the pen.

AUSTIN

Says 'Oh my God!'

They laugh.

FELICITY

Austin, look.

Austin and Felicity duck into a CAMERA SHOP and come out an 
instant later with SUPER-8 CAMERAS. 

They run down the street filming each other.

AUSTIN AND FELICITY - SUPER-8 MONTAGE

This is a Richard Lester-like sequence shot on grainy film from 
Austin and Felicity's POVs. 

There's lots of SPEEDED UP stuff and POPPING IN AND OUT of frame 
like the MONKEES TV show.

BACK ON THE STREET

AUSTIN

Felicity, I haven't had this much fun since I worked undercover 
in Amsterdam-

'66 I think it was.

FELICITY

1965, actually. You posed as a Dutch cheese expert to stop Dr. 
Evil from

poisoning the world's water supply.

Austin is impressed.

FELICITY

I've studied your file, Austin. I want to be a trailblazer, just 
like you. 

The Seventies are right around the corner. It's going to be a 
glorious time

for fashion and music and technology-- it won't be long before 
every flying car

has its own 8-track.

Austin starts to say something, then bites his tongue.

FELICITY

The CIA has always been a boy's club until now. Well move over, 
this chick's

taking over.

AUSTIN

(hoarse)

Very impressive.

FELICITY

Austin, your voice!

AUSTIN

Yes, I think I'm coming down with something.

Austin and Felicity stop at an ICE CREAM MAN with his pushcart.

AUSTIN

I'll get some ice cream. Would you like some?

FELICITY

No thanks.

AUSTIN

(hoarse, to ice cream man)

Could I have two scoops of Vanilla, please?

ICE CREAM MAN

Right away, governor. Would you like chocolate syrup?

AUSTIN

(hoarse)

Yes, please.

ICE CREAM MAN

Will you have any whipped cream?

AUSTIN

(hoarse)

I will, thank you.

ICE CR@ MAN

Candy sprinkles?

AUSTIN

(hoarse)

Yes please.

ICE CREAM MAN

Crushed nuts?

AUSTIN

No, laryngitis.

ICE CREAM MAN

Here's your change, sir. Oh, and Austin--

We cut back to the ICE CREAM MAN to see him pulling off a very 
fake beard. It is BASIL (though it

was clearly another actor before).

AUSTIN

(now with phlegmy throat)

Basil!

BASIL EXPOSITION

Hello, Austin. What's wrong with your voice?

AUSTIN

(still phlegmy throat)

I just had ice cream. Listen to me, I have dairy throat.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

AND IT WAS ALWAYS GRUNTIN'

SHE TIED IT TO A FIVE BAR GATE

AND KICKED IT'S LITTLE-

BASIL EXPOSITION

(Interrupting)

Austin! Things are heating up, so I thought it best to contact 
you in

disguise. Felicity, your plan worked. You and Austin track Fat 
Bastard back

to Dr. Evil.

AUSTIN

But how can we track Fat Bastard?

FELICITY

I planted a homing device on him last night.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Yes, and we're starting to pick up the signal now.

Basil hands Felicity a tracking device that BEEPS.

AUSTIN

How did you get close enough to plant a homing device?

FELICITY

I shagged him, I shagged him rotten.

Austin and Basil are confused and grossed out at the same time.

AUSTIN

You...him? Just like that?

FELICITY

Yes, Austin, we needed that information.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity, we now know that-

AUSTIN

(interrupting, to Felicity)

Did you use an elaborate set of pulleys? A block and tackle?

BASIL EXPOSITION

Anyway, you two follow the signal back to Dr. Evil's headquarters 
and then-

AUSTIN

(interrupting, to Felicity)

I just can't get my head around it, baby. You're so small and 
he's so ... not

small. The sheer mechanics of it are mindboggling!

BASIL EXPOSITION

Never mind, Austin, you two have work to do. You must find Dr. 
Evil.

66 INT. BEETLE

We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen built into the dash.

AUSTIN

I got it! A Chinese basket with a counter-weighted ballast. 
That's how you did

it, right?

FELICITY

Austin, it almost sounds like you're jealous.

AUSTIN

Who, me? That's not possible, baby!

(beat, to himself)

is it?

Just then a-car pulls beside them. Two Dr. Evil Private Army guys 
pull machine guns and start

SHOOTING.

AUSTIN

Get down!

Felicity ducks. Austin reaches back and pulls ROBIN SWALLOWS from 
the back seat and USES HER AS A

SHIELD.

FELICITY

We're obviously on the right track.

(re: tracking screen)

It looks like Fat Bastard is-on an island in the middle of the 
ocean.

67 EXT. DR. EVIL'S ISLANDNIGHT

We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen.

68 EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - NIGHT

The Beetle comes from under the water and lands on the beach. We 
still hear the BEEP-BEEP.

69 EXT. TENT - WOODS - NIGHT

Austin and Felicity have set up a tent with a view of the Dr. 
Evil Mt. Rushmore face. Austin is

looking at the mountain through a pair of binoculars which hang 
around his neck.

AUSTIN

According to the readings, Dr. Evil's headquarters is over the 
next ridge.

FELICITY

Can I have a look?

AUSTIN

Sure.

Austin hands her the binoculars. Unfortunately the strap is still 
around his neck, pulling his

face into her cleavage.

FELICITY

Question is, how do we get in?

AUSTIN

(muffled)

Mmmmmmm...mmmmm...

FELICITY

Austin, did you hear me?

AUSTIN

I seem to be stuck in your dirty pillows.

FELICITY

Where are the topographical maps that Basil drew up?

AUSTIN

I think they're in the tent.

He and Felicity enter the tent. A LIGHT is on inside casting 
shadows of Austin and Felicity on the

side of the tent. From the outside it appears the shadow Austin 
is leaning over with his back

to-the shadow Felicity, who appears to have her hands up his 
butt.

AUSTIN (VO)

Have you got it out yet?

FELICITY (VO)

Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things do you put in there?

The shadow Felicity appears to be tugging a string of sausage 
links from his ass.

AUSTIN (VO)

Oh, anything that catches my fancy.

FELICITY (VO)

How do you manage to fit it all in?

AUSTIN (VO)

Oh, it stretches to fit.

The shadow Felicity appears to pull a tennis racket out of 
Austin's ass.

AUSTIN (VO)

Are you almost done? I can't hold it much longer.

INT. TENT

We see that Austin is leaned over holding part of the tent. 
Felicity is rummaging through a duffel

bag across the tent.

FELICITY

Here we go, one hammer. It's amazing how much this duffel bag 
will hold.

INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR

We see Dr. Evil playing a piano. We pan to see Mini-Me on top of 
the piano, himself playing a

miniature baby grand.

DR. EVIL

(singing)

'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?

JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?'

We see that Number Two and Frau are the audience. They applaud.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, that was fantastic, but I do have some bad news. 
Powers' is on the

island.

DR. EVIL

How tedious.

NUMBER TWO

Don't worry, Dr. Evil, we can get to him by using the girl.

DR. EVIL

Really?

NUMBER TWO

I have the perfect weapon. Frau?

FRAU

(shouting)

Bring in the He-Bots!

MUSIC: It's Rainina Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS

Three HE-BOTS enter in unison. They are robotic studs in Logan's 
Run type outfits.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots. What kind of woman could 
resist these

perfect specimens of masculinity? Their clothes are stylish, 
their posture is

ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers. And, 
each He-Bot

is armed with a secret weapon.

Angle on the first He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his codpiece 
and white smoke pours out.

NUMBER TWO (OC)

Poison gas...

Angle on the second He-Bot. A gun barrel flips out form his 
crotch and FIRES machine-gun style.

NUMBER TWO (OC)

Machine gun...

Angle on the third He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his crotch and 
yellow liquid drizzles out onto

the floor, where it smokes.

NUMBER TWO (OC)

And deadly acid.

Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one.

DR. EVIL

Right. I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't 
care how you

get Powers, just bring him to me.

(to Mini-Me)

Ready Mini-Me? A one and a two and...

(singing)

ME, AND MY SHA-

DOW

STROLLING DOWN THE A-VA-

(rapidly)

WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T M A ROAD

WASN'T A BOULEVARD

(dancing in step)

ME, AND MY SHA-

DOW ALL ALONE AND FEE-LING...

MINI-ME

(voice unnaturally low)

BLUE!

71 EXT. TENT

We see the shadows again. It now looks like Felicity is putting 
things into Austin's ass.

FELICITY (VO)

Do you want everything to go back in?

AUSTIN (VO)

Yes. Listen, Felicity, about Fat Bastard-

FELICITY (VO)

It's my job, Austin. You of all people should understand that. 
Marakesh,

1962. Rome, 1964. Tokyo, 1966. I know your record backwards and 
forwards. 

You've had more sex on the job than a Swedish stewardess.

The shadow Felicity tries to cram the tennis racket into what 
appears to be Austin's ass.

AUSTIN (VO)

You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it. But the world changed, 
and I changed

too.

Pull back to reveal that THE HE-BOTS are watching. Felicity 
shoves the tennis racket extra hard. 

Austin stands up rapidly.

AUSTIN (VO)

Ow!

(beat)

My back hurts.

FELICITY (VO)

Are you OK?

AUSTIN (VO)

I'm fine, just keeping packing.

The He-Bots shrug their shoulders and march towards the tent.

72 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 60'S

Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott, Number Two and Frau are seated.

FAT BASTARD

Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.

DR. EVIL

It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air 
fresheners.

FAT BASTARD

Great, now it smells like someone took a shite in a pine tree.

NUMBER TWO

Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket. You're ready 
for launch.

DR. EVIL

I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis. I have so few pleasures, 
you know.

Austin and Felicity are brought in at gunpoint by Private Army 
Men.

DR. EVIL

Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.

AUSTIN

We meet again, Dr. Evil.

DR. EVIL

Yes, the only reason I'm keeping you alive is so you can feel the 
agony of

watching my plan unfold.

AUSTIN

Dr. Evil your plan will never--

Austin trails off as he spots his MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. 
Evil.

DR. EVIL

Oh, is that yours?

AUSTIN

My mojo!

DR. EVIL

You know what they say: finders keepers, loser weepers.

FELICITY

Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?

DR. EVIL

Of course. Why?

Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls.

FELICITY

Now you've got a couple of achers.

DR. EVIL

Oww! My stomach hurts!

AUSTIN

(wincing)

I don't care if he is evil, you don't give a man a shot in the 
pills. It's

just not cricket, baby.

DR. EVIL

Take them away.

The guards lead Austin and Felicity away.

SCOTT

She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them 
alone in a jail

cell with one inept guard? They'll escape, dipshit. You do this 
every time!

DR. EVIL

You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man.

SCOTT

You don't own me!

DR. EVIL

I do actually.

(pulling out paper)

It's complicated. Usually it's illegal but this buddy of 
mine...but I

digress. Fat Bastard, I'm leaving you in charge. I'm going up the 
moon to

hold the world ransom with my giant laser, I shouldn't be long.

FAT BASTARD

What about Powers?

DR. EVIL

He's tucked away safely in his cell. He's harmless without that 
mojo. Guard

it with your life.

(to Number Two)

Number Two, begin the countdown.

The area around Dr. Evil's command chair, including the time 
portal behind it, is enclosed by a

circular door, becoming part of the rocket. Steam begins 
billowing, etc.

NUMBER TWO

Five, four, three ...

73 EXT. VOLCANO ISLAND (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)

NUMBER TWO (VO)

Two, one, liftoff!

The rocket lifts off from the volcano into the night sky.

74 EXT. NIGHT SKY (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)

The rocket in flight.

75 FULL SCREEN - NORAD TRACKING SCREEN

The rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a flying 
penis.

76 INT. TRACKING ROOM

OPERATOR

Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.

COLONEL

What is it, son?

OPERATOR

I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--

CUT TO:

77 INT. COCKPIT - JET

PILOT

Dick!

CO-PILOT

Yes?

PILOT

Take a look out of starboard.

CO-PILOT

Oh my God, it looks like a huge--

78 EXT. WOODS

MAN

Pecker!

WOMAN

Where?

He raises his binoculars.

MAN

Over there. A rare red-billed woodpecker!

(looks over with binoculars)

What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's-

CUT TO:

79 EXT. ARMY BASE

SERGEANT

Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It 
has a long,

smooth shaft, complete with-

80 EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND

UMPIRE

Two balls! No strikes.

(looking up)

What is that? It looks just like an enormous--

CUT BACK TO:

81 INT. RADAR ROOM

COLONEL

Johnson!

RADAR OPERATOR

Yes, sir?

COLONEL

Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about 
this.

82 INT. JAIL CELL

Austin and Felicity are in a bare cell with cement walls. The 
huge metal door has a window with

bars in it.

FELICITY

How are we going to get out of here?

AUSTIN

Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?

FELICITY

(exploding)

Austin, that is it! I don't know what happened to you in the 
Nineties, but I'm

still here, in the Sixties, and I still swing! Don't try to lay 
your hang-ups

on me just because you lost your mojo! That one hurts.

AUSTIN

Ouch, baby, very ouch. I'm wounded.

FELICITY

I'm sorry, Austin, that was a cheap shot.

AUSTIN

No, baby, you're right. I was wrong to judge you. I guess I 
am...jealous.

FELICITY

But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free. He 
could never be

jealous.

AUSTIN

That Austin is gone. I've changed. I knew someone, not long ago, 
a very

special woman. She taught me that life isn't about jumping into 
the sack with

whoever comes along, it's about caring and responsibility. And 
while it is

true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil, I 
suppose I really

did...love her.

FELICITY

Was that your wife?

AUSTIN

Yes, Vanessa.

Felicity is touched.

FELICITY

Listen, Austin, I can't pretend to understand everything you've 
gone through,

but I trust you. I'll make you a deal: if we get out of here 
alive, I'll give

monogamy a try.

AUSTIN

With me?

FELICITY

Yes, silly.

AUSTIN

Groovy, baby!

They kiss.

FELICITY

We need to lure the guard inside and get his key.

AUSTIN

Alright, what if I pretend to be desperately ill with food 
poisoning? The

guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate. 
Meanwhile, you dig

a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened

toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got 
the key. 

What do you think?

FELICITY

That might work, but how about this?

Felicity charges towards the window in the door, ripping open her 
blouse as she goes, showing her

breasts to the guard. We, however, can't see them.

FELICITY

(giving a wolf whistle)

What do you think of these, my man?

83 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CELL

The guard is mesmerized by Felicity.

GUARD

Mommy...

He unlocks the door and enters.

84 INT. JAIL CELL

The guard enters an apparently empty cell. We see that Austin is 
wedged spread-eagle above the

door, ready to pounce.

FELICITY

(seductive, to guard)

It's very hot in here, don't you think?

The guard follows her into the cell.

FELICITY

(irritated)

It's very hot in here, don't you think?

The guard advances on her.

FELICITY

(breaking cover)

Austin!

AUSTIN

(from above)

I'm very firmly wedged.

FELICITY

If you want something done...

She PUNCHES the guard right in the face and he collapses.

AUSTIN

Almost...got it!

Austin falls flat on his face with a THUMP and pops back up.

AUSTIN

Let's go get my mojo!

85 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE

It is a stark, steel girder and glass structure. Dr. Evil is 
trying to look dignified but he is

FLOATING AWAY. He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet 
float up.

DR. EVIL

Has anyone seen my gravity booties? Honestly, all I wanted was a 
frickin' moon

base. Hello, we're on the moon, no gravity?

(calling out)

Mini-Me? Are you alright?

ANGLE ON the top of the room. Mini-Me is stuck to the top of the 
ceiling along with a lot of

DEBRIS.

DR. EVIL

My frickin' mascot is stuck to the ceiling, OK? Not good. Papa 
not happy.

A couple of henchmen place BOOTS on Dr. Evil. He drops to the 
floor.

DR. EVIL

(looking up)

Somebody get the stick. Hold on, Mini-Me.

(into microphone)

Begin laser-

He's interrupted by terrible FEEDBACK. Dr. Evil taps and blows on 
the mic.

DR. EVIL

(into microphone).

Begin-

Worse FEEDBACK. He holds it farther away.

DR. EVIL

(into mic)

Begin laser ignition sequence.

The laser's coils begin to glow RED.

DR. EVIL

Lunar alignment in 6 hours.

86 FULL FRAME - LUNAR TRACKING MODEL

A NORAD-type screen showing the current position of the moon and 
where it needs to be before the

laser can fire.

87 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM

Austin and Felicity run into the Main Room. It is strangely dark 
and quiet.

FELICITY

Where's your mojo, Austin?

AUSTIN

I'm not sure.

MUSIC: It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS

Suddenly, the lights dim. The three He-Bots descend from the 
ceiling on trapezes and acrobatic

rings, their muscles rippling.

AUSTIN

Watch out, baby, He-Bots!

The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a 
perfect Olympic dismount. Their

crotch nozzles flip up one by one.

AUSTIN

I can't fight them without my mojo.

FELICITY

Who said anything about fighting?

MUSIC: seductive music

Felicity does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts and bumps 
and grinds. The He-Bots EXPLODE,

succumbing to her mojo.

AUSTIN

Smashing, Felicity, you were making me very horny, man! Extremely 
randy,

indeed!

FAT BASTARD (OC)

C'mon, give the lads a show. Take of your top. Put 'em on the 
glass! Make 'em

bounce. Let's have a look at your tits.

Austin and Felicity turn to see Fat Bastard lurking in the 
background.

AUSTIN

Fat Bastard!

FAT BASTARD

Looking for this, Mr. Powers?

Fat Bastard, holds the beaker and is flanked by a dozen private 
army men.

AUSTIN

Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!

FAT BASTARD

I give the orders, (bleep) for brains. Guards, take them back to 
their cells.

Guards approach.

FELICITY

Hold on, let me ask you one question.

FAT BASTARD

Alright, I guess I owe you that much for a night of carnal 
ecstasy.

Austin is grossed out.

FELICITY

Are you happy?

FAT BASTARD

What kind of stupid ass question is that? I'm (bleep)in' rich and 
I'm up to my

tits in clean stinky.

FELICITY

You didn't answer my question, are you happy?

FAT BASTARD

It's about my girth isn't it? Sure I could lose a few pounds, but 
I could shiva

git!

FELICITY

Are you happy?

FAT BASTARD

Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got 
bigger

titties than you do! I've got more (bleep)in' chins than a 
Chinese phone book. 

I've got more crack cheese than a (bleep)in' dairy. I've nay seen 
ma willie in

two years. That's enough time to declare it legally deed! I can't 
stop

eating. I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat.

(starts to cry)

I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!

AUSTIN

Maybe inside that Fat Bastard there's a thin bastard, trying to 
get out

FAT BASTARD

Maybe there's big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass! 
Enough of your

(bleep)in' new age aphorisms. Listen, I've run the gamut of self-
help books. 

"Food isn't love", right, but how do you get it from the page to 
the (bleep)in'

fork? I'm so weak, I hate myself. I'm for shite. Here, take the 
mojo.

Fat Bastard hands over the mojo.

FAT BASTARD

I appreciate you trying to reach me, no one can do it for me, I 
know this now. 

There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill. This is the 
beginning of a new

me. I'm gonna go to the gym everyday. If you'll excuse me, 
there's someone I

have to get in touch with and forgive...myself.

(pause)

Sorry. I farted.

(pause)

It's a long road ahead.

88 EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - DAY

Austin and Felicity run up to the Beetle.

AUSTIN

Hold on, I have something very important to do.

Austin drinks the mojo.

FELICITY

How do you feel?

AUSTIN

Sound as a pound, my spuds are boiling. Fancy a shag?

FELICITY

Austin, we don't have time.

AUSTIN

C'mon, luv, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!

FELICITY

Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon. The world is in danger.

AUSTIN

Right, the moon. I think I know someone who can give us a lift.

89 EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The Apollo ready for lift-off.

NEWSCASTER (VO)

There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, 
Walter, but we

understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will 
be blasting off

shortly.

90 INT. CAPSULE

Pan across Austin in a spacesuit, then Felicity in her spacesuit, 
then CAMEO ASTRONAUT in his space

suit. They are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons and 
meters.

AUSTIN

Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this 
stuff out.

ASTRONAUT

I am a rocket scientist.

A technician closes the hatch and the countdown begins.

MISSION COMMANDER (VO)

We will have lift-off in T minus 10 seconds...9...8...etc.

AUSTIN

Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand.

91 EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The rocket lifts off.

MISSION COMMANDER (VO)

We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading 
for a

rendezvous with the moon.

92 INT. APOLLO CAPSULE

The G-forces during lift-off are incredible. Austin's face is 
pulled into a contorted mask which

bares his teeth. His hair sticks straight up and his glasses are 
twisted.

Austin is terrified. He clutches Felicity's hand, then grabs on 
to the astronaut beside him. 

Felicity, however, loves it.

FELICITY

(yelling)

Yaaaaa-hoooo!

93 EXT. SPACE - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The stages separate.

94 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

Basil sits at the console with NASA technicians.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit. How was that lift-off?

95 INT. CAPSULE - APOLLO ROCKET (INTERCUT)

AUSTIN

To be honest it was terrifying. It felt like sitting on top of a 
bomb. As I

punched through the atmosphere, I said 'Oh my God!' and I soiled 
myself.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Happens all the time in that situation.

AUSTIN

No, I mean I soiled myself just now when I said oh 'my God!'

FELICITY

Basil, it was amazing!

BASIL EXPOSITION

Prepare for moon landing. We only have one hour until Dr. Evil 
fires the

laser!

96 EXT. MOON LANDING (STOCK FOOTAGE)

The lunar module settles on the moon.

AUSTIN (VO)

Mission control, the swinger has landed.

97 EXT. LUNAR MODULE - SURFACE OF THE MOON

Austin and Felicity step out in their spacesuits.

AUSTIN

This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging. 
Can you imagine

it, baby, weightless? The permutations are mind-boggling.

FELICITY

Naughty boy!

Austin plants a UNION JACK on the moon.

AUSTIN

God Save the Queen.

98 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

The MISSION COMMANDER shakes his head.

MISSION COMMANDER

The Queen? This is an American show, goddammit. Let's roll that 
footage we

shot last week in the studio.

99 INT. 1960'S AMERICAN HOME (STOCK FOOTAGE)

A family gathers around the TV, watching Neil Armstrong's 'real' 
moon landing.

100 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE

Dr. Evil walks all the way around a TUBULAR HALLWAY-- up the 
walls, across the ceiling upside down,

and back again, settling into his chair. It is like that shot in 
2001 SPACE ODYSSEY.

DR. EVIL

Position the laser.

The laser shifts into place. An ALARM goes off and LIGHTS FLASH.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!

DR. EVIL

Get me the President.

The screen flickers on:

DR. EVIL

Mr. President, your time is up. This is your last chance to pay 
100 billion

dollars or see Washington DC destroyed.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!

The ALARM continues to blare.

101 INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)

The President at his desk.

PRESIDENT

What? I can't hear you.

DR. EVIL

Pay me 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed!

The ALARM BLARES.

PRESIDENT

I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.

DR. EVIL

(louder)

How about now?

PRESIDENT

Better.

DR. EVIL

The Capital will be destroyed-

The ALARM BLARES.

PRESIDENT

Sorry! I just can't- I think it's that alarm.

DR. EVIL

Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm? I'm trying to hold 
the free world

hostage here. Honestly.

(shouting)

I WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME-

The ALARM SHUTS OFF but Dr. Evil is still shouting.

DR. EVIL

(shouting)

100 BILLION DOLLARS!

His yelling startles even himself.

PRESIDENT

Please Dr. Evil, be reasonable. That's more money than is in the 
entire

Federal Treasury!

DR. EVIL

Oh well, I guess you have one minute to- "show me the money"!

PRESIDENT

I still don't know what that means. I can't show you the money 
because we

don't have the money.

DR. EVIL

Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle.

102 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

A white room with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a 
tracking screen. Basil, several

GENERALS, and other VIPs look anxiously over the shoulder of the 
MISSION CONTROL SPECIALISTS.

BASIL EXPOSITION

Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon. We'll soon know whether 
he has

succeeded or whether the world will be destroyed!

103 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - HALLWAY

Austin and Felicity enter through a hatch and step out of their 
spacesuits.

FELICITY

Let's find Dr. Evil.

Suddenly, Austin notices something.

AUSTIN

Shhh...

He points. We see a profile through a sheet of frosted glass. It 
is Dr. Evil's distinctive

profile, with a machine gun. Austin takes careful aim and FIRES. 
We see the SHADOW take the hit,

and fall.

FELICITY

Austin, you've done it! You got Dr. Evil!

AUSTIN

Of course I did, baby, I got my mojo working overtime.

FELICITY

Austin, I'm going ahead. Cover my rear!

AUSTIN

Oh, behave!

Felicity runs ahead. Austin runs over to where the shadow came 
from. He sees that it was not Dr.

Evil, but MINI-ME, carrying a little gun. Austin is ashamed.

AUSTIN

Poor little bugger. He's so small, he's like a dog or something.

Austin chokes back a tear.

AUSTIN

Poor little bugger.

(realizing)

Felicity, be careful! Dr. Evil is still alive! Felicity?

Austin runs after her.

104 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM

Austin rounds the corner and comes upon Dr. Evil.

AUSTIN

(holding his gun on Dr. Evil)

Alright, slap-head, turn around. Slowly.

DR. EVIL

Aren't you forgetting something?

A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing FELICITY, 
enclosed in a glass tube.

AUSTIN

Felicity!

(to Dr. Evil)

What have you done to her?

DR. EVIL

Don't worry, she's not dead...yet.

Brightly colored GAS starts to fill the glass chamber.

FELICITY

(muffled through glass)

Don't worry about me Austin. You've got to save the world!

DR. EVIL

It looks like you have a choice, Powers: save the world, or save 
your

girlfriend.

Austin is torn. He looks back and forth between Felicity and the 
laser which is on the other side

of the room.

AUSTIN

I've got my mojo back, man, I can do both.

DR. EVIL

We'll see. Fire the laser!

The woman manning the laser's joystick begins to MOVE IT. Austin 
leaps across the room and reaches

her just in time.

AUSTIN

Hands off my joystick, baby.

He wrestles with her a moment and then KNOCKS IT ASKEW.

105 EXT. SPACE

The laser beam hits the Big Boy Rocket in the crotch and Big 
Boy's eyes cross in pain.

106 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM

DR. EVIL

Damn you, Powers!

Dr. Evil hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button. An ALARM blares.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Warning! Self-destruct sequence initiated!

The base is rocked by EXPLOSIONS.

AUSTIN

See, Dr. Evil I told you I could do both.

DR. EVIL

Perhaps you spoke too soon.

Austin looks over. Felicity has slumped over in the tube.

AUSTIN

Noooooo!

Austin BANGS on the glass with his fists.

AUSTIN

Felicity! Felicity. Wake up! Wake up! Please God, don't take her 
away.

It is too late. Dr. Evil runs through the TIME PORTAL and gets 
away.

AUSTIN

Felicity, you have to understand, I thought I had my mojo back. 
This isn't

fair.

Austin looks up to the heavens. We see a quick--

107 FLASHBACK - MONTAGE

of moments they shared, Austin making her laugh, their first 
kiss, of Felicity being her beautiful

and free-spirited self.

A tear runs down his cheek. Austin presses his face against the 
glass as if trying to reach her.

AUSTIN

I love you, Felicity! I know I couldn't say it before, but I 
really do love

you!

(enraged)

Dr. Evil, I'll kill him!

Austin starts to chase him, but THREE PRIVATE ARMY MEN block his 
path. Austin is like an animal. 

He charges toward the first soldier, RIPS HIS HEART OUT, and 
takes a bite out of it.

Then Austin turns to the second soldier and RIPS HIS SPINE OUT 
like in Mortal Kombat. The soldier

slumps to the ground.

The last soldier is terrified. Austin swings both fists 
simultaneously, crushing the guy's head

which EXPLODES LIKE A PUMPKIN.

Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC". He runs 
through.

CUT TO:

108 INT. ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC

An orgy is taking place. Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel with 
two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him

grapes.

DR. EVIL

You make love to your wife out of duty, your mistress for 
pleasure, and a Roman

boy for ecstasy.

(noticing Austin)

Shit.

He runs away as Austin appears through the TIME PORTAL. Austin 
follows Dr. Evil into another TIME

PORTAL marked "1975".

109 EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD - 1975

Austin emerges from the TIME PORTAL to see Dr. Evil getting into 
a car. Austin waves his hands and

a 1974 RED FORD TORINO with a white stripe pulls over.

AUSTIN

I have to commandeer this vehicle.

(noticing)

Hey, aren't you Hutch?

VOICE (OC)

No.

We see PAUL MICHAEL GLASER (STARSKY).

PAUL MICHAEL GLASER

I'm Starsky.

DAVID SOUL

I'm Hutch.

Austin jumps in and the Torino speeds off. Dr. Evil's car 
disappears into a car wash which is a

TIME PORTAL. The Torino follows.

A sign at the car wash reads: "1911"

CUT TO:

110 EXT. DECK OF THE TITANIC - 1911

Passengers in period garb walk past a lifesaver with "Titanic" 
stenciled above it. Dr. Evil enters

through a portal with Austin hot on his heels.

CAPTAIN (OS)

Iceberg, dead ahead!

Suddenly the ship tilts at a radical angle. LEONARDO DICAPRIO, 
KATE WINSLET, and JAMES CAMERON

slide by.

JAMES CAMERON

I'm king of the world!

Dr. Evil and Austin slide backwards into the TIME PORTAL they 
just came from.

CUT TO:

111 EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY - 1999

Dr. Evil runs into the street with Austin chasing him. In

SLO-MO Austin dives for a ridiculously long time, and TACKLES Dr. 
Evil, pinning him.

AUSTIN

I'm going to kill you, you bastard!

DR. EVIL

(breathing heavily)

Before you do that, know this: Austin, I am...your...father.

MUSIC: dramatic sting

AUSTIN

Really?

DR. EVIL

No. I can't back that up. I was just grasping at straws. I had 
nothing. But

isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, you really have become a 
product of the

Nineties.

AUSTIN

How so?

DR. EVIL

You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than 
you are in

love. You won the battle, but I won the war. Love means nothing, 
you've

proved it.

AUSTIN

I didn't think that Felicity was going to die, man.

DR. EVIL

What a cowardly response. I'm disappointed really. You have the 
power to go

back in time and save her, but it means letting me go.

Austin looks over and sees a TIME PORTAL. Through it he can 
glimpse the lair, and Felicity.

DR. EVIL

Well, Mr. Powers, which is it going to be? Me or the girl?

AUSTIN

Felicity!

Austin runs through.

CUT TO:

112 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - 60'S

We see the scene from a moment ago. Felicity is in the glass tube 
and the BRIGHTLY COLORED GAS is

starting to fill it.

DR. EVIL

It looks like you have a choice: save the world, or save your 
girlfriend.

AUSTIN

I choose love, baby.

Austin runs over to the glass tube and SMASHES HIS FIST through 
it. The glass SHATTERS and Austin

pulls Felicity out. She gasps for air.

AUSTIN

Felicity, I love you.

FELICITY

(breathless)

But I thought-

AUSTIN

That was another place and another time, baby.

Austin kisses her for a long time. She starts to twitch.

She struggles. She hits him in the head and he finally stops 
kissing her.

FELICITY

(gasping)

Can't. Breathe.

AUSTIN

Sorry, baby, I got a little over- stimulated.

DR. EVIL

Fire the laser!

AUSTIN

What do we do?

FELICITY

Use your mojo!

AUSTIN

I don't have it!

FELICITY

Trust me, you do!

Austin turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom. The 
woman arming the laser stumbles

backwards into the directional control just as it FIRES.

113 EXT. SPACE

The Big Boy Rocket spins to avoid the laser as it passes 
harmlessly by.

114 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM

Jubilation.

BASIL EXPOSITION

He did it, he saved the world!

(calming down)

Of course, I thought he might.

115 INT. DR, EVILIS MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM

FELICITY

Austin, you did it!

They embrace.

AUSTIN

Uh-oh.

(beat)

I think I just got my mojo back. Really.

FELICITY

Austin, you had it all along. No one can take your, mojo away 
from you!

DR. EVIL

Good-bye, Mr. Powers, for the last time.

Dr. Evil hits the SELF-DESTRUCT button and climbs aboard the 
rocket, which blasts off.

116 EXT. SPACE (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN EFFECT)

Dr. Evil's escape rocket in flight.

117 FULL SCREEN - RADAR

Dr. Evil's rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a 
flying penis.

118 INT. RADAR ROOM

RADAR OPERATOR

Sir, you better have a look at this radar.

COLONEL

What is it?

RADAR OPERATOR

I don't know, sir. It's hard to describe. It's...it's-

CUT TO:

119 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DOCTOR

Just a little prick!

The kid CRIES.

DOCTOR

All done!

(out the window)

Good lord, what is that? If I didn't know better I'd say it's a-

CUT TO:

120 INT. CHINESE COMMUNIST CLASSROOM

CHINESE TEACHER

Wang!

One of the STUDENTS, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching a 
red book is caught looking out the

window.

CHINESE TEACHER

Pay attention!

CHINESE STUDENT

I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher.

(pointing out window)

I was distracted by that enormous flying-

121 EXT. BEACH

RACHEL HUNTER

Rod?

ROD STEWART

Yes, Rachel?

RACHEL HUNTER

(pointing to sky)

What's that?

ROD STEWART

(looking up)

It looks like a giant-

CUT TO:

122 INT. CLASSROOM

OLD LADY TEACHER

Penis!

(pointing to her chart)

The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhackers, 
wankers, schlongs,

or--

CUT TO:

123 INT. NASA CONTROL

BASIL EXPOSITION

Peters!

CAPTAIN PETERS

Yes, sir?

BASIL EXPOSITION

Any word from Austin?

CAPTAIN PETERS

We've picked up his signal, but the lunar base seems to self-
destructing.

BASIL EXPOSITION

(on microphone)

Austin, if you can hear me, use the time portal! There's no time 
to get to the lunar module! Use the time portal!

124 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE

Austin stumbles. Felicity looks at him.

FELICITY

Austin, you have to get to the time portal!

AUSTIN

Come with me, Felicity! It's the only way out!

FELICITY

Austin, will I fit in the Nineties?

AUSTIN

If I did, anyone can. Let's go, baby!

The TIME PORTAL is fifty feet away. Austin and Felicity run 
towards it. In the foreground, are a stack of conveniently placed 
barrels. As they run behind the barrels, an obvious AUSTIN STUNT 
DOUBLE and an obvious FELICITY STUNT DOUBLE emerge in their 
place.

The stunt doubles grab a winch hanging above them and cross over 
to the TIME PORTAL in a dramatic series of acrobatic flips and 
stunts.

The stunt doubles run behind another conveniently placed pile of 
barrels. Austin and Felicity emerge in their place and run 
through the TIME PORTAL. The TIME PORTAL reads "1999".

FADE TO BLACK:

125 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - 1999 - DAY

It is the most up-to-date modern apartment you've ever seen in 
your life. There is a large screen TV, a DVD player etc.

Movers move in tasteful modern furniture and various other 
accoutrements of moving. Felicity puts a CD on an old style 
turntable.

SFX: SCREEEECH!!

FELICITY

Sorry!

AUSTIN

Don't worry baby it takes some getting used to. Let me ask you 
Felicity, do you feel any side effects from the time travel?

Felicity smiles broadly, revealing that she now has TERRIBLE 
TEETH like Austin's.

FELICITY

I'm as healthy as a horse.

AUSTIN

I love you, Felicity.

FELICITY

And I love you.

AUSTIN

Do you want to get married?

FELICITY

Absolutely not.

AUSTIN

Thank God.

They kiss.

FADE TO BLACK.







THE END




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