BAD TEACHER Written by Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky June 6, 2008 FADE IN: EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY To establish. A school marquee with removable plastic letters reads, "GOOD LUCK WITH FINALS!" A JANITOR opens the glass and starts removing the letters. INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY POP! A Champagne cork hits the ceiling. TEACHERS who rarely get to drink at work, jockey for position, holding out their plastic flutes. (Note: female teachers outnumber male teachers 12:1.) PRINCIPAL WALLY SNUR, 40s, balding, faces the teachers. He has a habit of blinking hard before speaking. PRINCIPAL SNUR Well, it's been another great year here at JAMS. Who can forget Mr. Pinkus' haunted classroom? Sandy, thank you. SANDY PINKUS, 40s, sporting a ponytail, smiles, clearly enjoying the small compliment. SANDY I ain't afraid of no ghost. The other teachers laugh. PRINCIPAL SNUR Or the wild success of... VOICE (O.C.) Wally, can I just say one quick thing? Wally turns to AMY SQUIRREL, late 20s, cute and wholesome. Any trace of sexuality she might have is wiped away by her adult pigtails. She treats students and adults alike -- like students. AMY Just wanted to remind everyone the school day's not over. So let's keep the drinking under control, hmm? That's it. Back to you, Wally. A bunch of teacher roll their eyes. PRINCIPAL SNUR Thanks, Amy, (then, back to his notes) . Or the wild success of the book drive for the women's prison sponsored by Ms. Savicki's class? A broad-shouldered teacher with spiky hair, MS. SAVICKI, nods. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) But now as the summer is upon us, it's time to not only say goodbye to another school year, but to also say goodbye to a member of our faculty. (BEAT) Elizabeth, can you come up here? ELIZABETH HALSEY, mid 20s, pretty and petite, walks up to the front. She sports an enormous diamond ring and dresses slightly more cosmopolitan than the other teachers. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) You've only been with us for one short year, but know that you'll always be a part of the JAMS family. Elizabeth gives Principal Snur an appreciative smile. The Teachers lightly applaud. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) And we got you a little something. Wally hands Elizabeth an envelope. She opens it and. pulls out a gift card: BOSTON MARKET. $37. ELIZABETH Almost forty dollars. Thank you! PRINCIPAL SNUR Why don't you say a couple words? ELIZABETH Okay. Um... I'm not really good at this type of thing so I'll make it quick. I know I've only been here a year, but there's so much I'm going to miss... INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY Elizabeth sits at her desk, cleaning it out. She's tossing the few personal effects she has into a banker's box. 3. ELIZABETH (V.0.) My students, probably most of all.I'm not saying they were little angels, butthey were all there to learn and that'sthe greatest gift a student can give a teacher. Elizabeth's class is horsing around, enjoying the last days of seventh grade. A dim-looking BOY tentatively approaches her desk with his yearbook in hand. He hands it to Elizabeth, who considers what to write for a beat, then smiles as she signs it. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Elizabeth walks down the hall holding her box. SIXTH, SEVENTH and EIGHTH graders all race past her, running toward their summer vacation. ELIZABETH (V.0.) And I wish that I had gotten to know all of you better, but between four classes and planning a wedding, I had my hands full. From the little I do know about you, I know that our students are in good hands. Elizabeth passes Amy's classroom, where she is carefully removing inspirational posters from her walls and rolling them into cardboard tubes. EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - DAY Three middle school BURNOUTS are smoking weed in a thicket on the outskirts of the school property. ELIZABETH (V.0.) And I can't believe it's all over. This year flew by. And even though I'll never teach again professionally, I've realized that I don't need a blackboard and classroom to set an example. Elizabeth comes up behind them. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Hand it over. The Burnouts' eyes all go wide and they freeze. One of the burnouts hands her the joint. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Everything. The kids look at each other and then pull out a bag with a couple of joints. They hand it over to Elizabeth. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) This was a warning. Next time, I don't call the principal. I call the cops. EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY Elizabeth walks to her brand new MERCEDES. She gets in, pulls out a joint and lights it. She takes a huge TOKE, and then PEELS out of the lot. She tosses her banker's box out the window and extends her hand, giving the school THE FINGER. ELIZABETH (O.S.) Woo-hoo! A couple students look at her strangely. ANGLE ON The dim-looking kid that had Elizabeth sign his yearbook. He flips to the faculty section, and by the picture of Elizabeth is her message: "YOU ARE ILLITERATE!" DIM-LOOKING KID (struggling to read) You are... Illit... Illit... Elizabeth's car comes barrelling toward him and nearly hits him. She accelerates into the speed bumps, almost hitting the JANITOR from the opening shot, who's changing the plastic letters to read, "HAVE A GREAT SUMMER!" JANITOR Slow down! CHYRON: BAD TEACHER EXT. TOWNHOUSE NIGHT A Mercedes with the vanity plate "HIS" is parked in the driveway of an upscale neighborhood. Elizabeth's matching Mercedes pulls into the adjacent spot. Her license plate reads "HERS." INT. TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT A bachelor pad. Top of the line electronics. Lots of black leather furniture. Tacky, but expensive. Elizabeth pours two glasses of wine and takes a long sip. ELIZABETH (CALLING) Baby Doll? MARK (O.S.) Coming! MARK, early 30s, exits the bedroom in his underwear. He's shaved his head to avoid signs of early balding and is also a full four inches shorter than Elizabeth. Thankfully for him, he has money. MARK (CONT'D) (ANXIOUS) Hey! That was a quick party. Elizabeth kisses Mark on the top of his head and hands him a glass. ELIZABETH Yeah. You should have seen it. What a joke. She raises her glass for a toast. He raises his. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Here's to me never having to work again. And I owe it all to you, Lover. Elizabeth takes a big sip. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (FLIRTATIOUS) So I made a reservation at Ruth's Chris, and then I booked us a suite at the Drake, and I thought we could finish the night in "anal alley." Hmm? Something drops in the bedroom. Mark, alarmed, turns towards the door. Elizabeth brushes past him into -- INT. TOWNHOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Elizabeth enters to find -- NOTHING. Mark follows her in. Elizabeth looks around -- under the bed, in the closet, behind the door. MARK See? Nothing. Just then, the wooden chest at the foot of the bed SNEEZES. Elizabeth opens the latch to find SHEILA, 23, dressed only in a thong, scrunched in the fetal position. She stands, revealing LARGE FAKE BREASTS, and steps out of the chest. ELIZABETH (TO MARK) Motherfucker! ELIZABETH How could you do this to me?! I'm sorry. ELIZABETH You are buying me the biggest pair of yellow diamond earrings they make! I'm talking serious blood diamonds. Sheila SNEEZES again. Bless you. ELIZABETH (TO SHEILA) Get out of my house, bitch! MARK Don't talk to her like that. ELIZABETH Excuse me? I love her. Mark puts his arm around Sheila. Elizabeth eyes Sheila's large breasts. ELIZABETH You love her? She's a hooker. MARK SHEILA She's not a hooker. I dance. Elizabeth takes a deep breath. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (SWEET) Listen, Marky, you made a mistake. You're human. I'm human. And this time it was you. Maybe six months from now, you'll walk in on me. I don't know, but probably. Sheila SNEEZES again. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Shut the fuck up. (then, to Mark, sweet) And. maybe I'm talking crazy, but I don't want to throw away our life together over something like this. We're getting married! I'm willing to fight for us. MARK I'm not. And you know why? Because Sheila loves me -- and not just for my money. Sheila squeezes his shoulder. ELIZABETH I'm sorry if I care that my future husband can support me. We didn't all grow up with a silver spoon in our mouths. You can't even imagine what it's like going to bed hungry, night after night. MARK What are you talking about?! Both your parents are CPAs. ELIZABETH My parents worked their asses off to send me to private school. Do you know what it's like driving a Pontiac when everyone else gets a Beemer the second they menstruate? That shit stays with you. MARK It's over, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH For the record, there's a shitload of things that I hate about you, but I still, would've gotten married. (beat, sweet) Because I love you. MARK (rolls his eyes) I'm gonna need the ring back. She grabs her bag and heads for the exit. Mark follows. ELIZABETH You sad little troll! I hope you and your hooker enjoy chlamydia together! MARK Elizabeth. The ring. ELIZABETH (not turning around) I'm not even listening to you anymore. She starts to open the door. He closes it. The ring! ELIZABETH Like I even want your gay-ass ring. She tries pulling it off. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) It's not coming off. I'll go to the jeweler's tomorrow. Mark takes her hand and removes the ring with ease. Elizabeth steps out into the night. The door SLAMS behind her. CHYRON: 3 MONTHS LATER EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY A red 1994 Grand Am with a cracked windshield peels into the half-empty lot and screeches to a halt. The license plate reads "HERS." 9. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Elizabeth walks down the empty hall. It's possible a person has never looked less happy to be anywhere. FAINT SOFT ROCK plays from an open door. Something from inside the classroom catches Elizabeth's eye. ELIZABETH (under her breath) You've gotta be shitting me. TURN TO REVEAL AMY'S CLASSROOM The room has been decorated to within an inch of its life. Every surface is covered with posters like "Noted African-Americans," or "Hispanic American Hall of Fame," or "Women Who Dared." A RED DELICIOUS APPLE has been placed on each student's desk. Amy, dressed casually in cargo shorts and texas, is trying to hang a large "INTEGRITY" poster. She looks over, sees Elizabeth staring at her, and immediately lights up. AMY Elizabeth Halsey, as I live and breathe! ELIZABETH Amy Squirrel. AMY I know we barely got a chance to get to know one another last year -- what with you planning the wedding of the century and me juggling all my extra-currics -- but I just want to say that I'm super excited to be across-the-hall-mates. ELIZABETH Okay. AMY And I know you kinda skated by last year, doing the bare minimum thing -- you were kind of a lone wolf -- but now you're back and I just know that you are going to rededicate yourself to the task at -- Amy notices Elizabeth's bare hands. AMY (CONT'D) Where's your beautiful ring? ELIZABETH My fiance and I broke it off. I found him in bed with someone else. Oh my gosh! ELIZABETH It was another man. AMY (INCREDULOUS) Shut the front door! (motioning for a hug) Somebody needs a hug. ELIZABETH Somebody doesn't. AMY Hm. Another time then. Elizabeth takes an apple from a desk. ELIZABETH (RE APPLE) These washed? AMY Of course. I'd never serve a student unwashed fruit. CRUNCH. Elizabeth takes a huge bite out of the apple. ELIZABETH (MOUTHFUL) I thought the teachers got the apples. AMY Well, I think the students teach me at least as'much as I teach them. ELIZABETH Stupid. Elizabeth tosses the mostly uneaten apple into the trash and exits. It hits the rim and lands on the floor. Okey-dokey. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY It's like an asylum -- nothing on the walls. Elizabeth reads from a stack of US Weekly's and circles pictures of CELEBRITY BREASTS. LYNN, late 30s, the kind of woman who spends a lot of time on her internet dating profiles, but rarely gets emailed, pokes her head in. LYNN Oh sorry, am I interrupting? ELIZABETH Um -- kinda. LYNN Do you want to grab some lunch? ELIZABETH I'm in the middle of something, Lynn. My treat. ELIZABETH Fine. EXT. KFC - DAY Elizabeth and Lynn sit at an outdoor table. Lynn picks at a garden salad. Elizabeth is eating a bucket of chicken and drinking a large drink. She pulls a bottle of cough syrup from her purse and dumps it into her drink. LYNN You have that thing going around, huh? ELIZABETH LYNN Are you excited for tomorrow? ELIZABETH Is tomorrow Saturday? LYNN No, it's the first day of school. ELIZABETH Wait, I thought I had a week to get my class together. LYNN Yeah, that was last week. ELIZABETH (under her breath) Fuck my ass. LYNN If you hate teaching so much, why don't you just get another job? ELIZABETH And do what? Sell perfume at the mall? Work at a day care center? (slurps her big gulp) You know, when I first got into teaching, I thought I was doing it for all the right reasons: short hours, summers off, no accountability. LYNN I love my summers. Fresh corn. Mmm. ELIZABETH From now on, my full-time job will be finding a guy who will take care of me -- LYNN Oh god, I pray for that -- ELIZABETH And that makes a shit ton of money and doesn't ask too many questions. (licking her fingers) I spent most of my summer hanging out at the bars near where the Bulls practice. Had some fun, got some cool souvenirs that I Ebayed, but those guys aren't looking to settle down. And they all wear condoms. And then they take the condoms with them. That's how paranoid they are that a girl will try and get pregnant. Like it's so easy to get pregnant from a guy nutting into a condom. LYNN You're gonna find someone great. ELIZABETH I've been thinking about it a lot. I mean, I figure I'm like an 8, 8.5. But once I get my new tits, I'll probably be a -- 13. LYNN You don't want to do that. You're already so pretty. ELIZABETH I know I'm hot, Lynn, but I don't stand a chance against all those Barbies dolls out there. Anna Nicole had it right, may she rest in peace. Lynn checks her watch. LYNN We should finish up. Wally's doing that big orientation for teachers in the auditorium. ELIZABETH Yeah, I'm not going to that. LYNN But it's mandatory. ELIZABETH ("I'm so scared") Ooohhh... LYNN Yeah, I probably won't go either. I don't know I might. I'll probably go, but just sit in the back. Maybe leave early. Maybe stay till the end. Play it by ear. Or just stay till the end. Lynn takes both their, trays and dumps them. LYNN (CONT'D) This was fun. ELIZABETH Yeah, it was alright. When you said you were taking me to lunch, I kinda thought it was going to be nicer, but this was okay. LYNN Sorry. ELIZABETH It's okay. You can get me next time. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Not much character, not many furnishings. Elizabeth is online looking at a PORN SITE. She stares at the SCREEN and compares breasts to the ones in US Weekly. She reaches for a bong and pulls a huge hit. The front door opens and her roommate, KIRK, early 30s, boarish and carrying a tattered backpack and a Big Gulp, walks quickly past Elizabeth. ELIZABETH Hey, Kirk, what do you think about me with Jessica Simpson's tits? He stares at her chest intently. She's not bothered by it. Go bigger. Kirk enters his bedroom and slams the door. ELIZABETH Cool, yeah. She glances at the clock: 3:14 AM. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (under her breath) Fuck my ass. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT Elizabeth is asleep. After a beat, the ALARM goes off. She checks the clock: 5.:15. She groans. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY First day of school excitement. The bell RINGS, and like rats, the KIDS scurry to their various classes. Before long, the hallway is empty. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - MORNING In one corner, CHASE, clearly at the top of the seventh grade food chain, shows off a photo spread of herself modelling in a "Western-Style" clothing catalogue. GARRETT, 12, wearing grey, stained sweatpants and a grey sweatshirt with block letters that read "GYMNASTICS," stares longingly at Chase from a few desks away. 15. CHASE The photographer was, like, sooo nice. He made me feel sooo comfortable. (THEN) I might get flown to Kansas City for their fashion week. GARRETT (RIVETED) Oh my. Chase and her friends turn to face Garrett, who's as surprised as they are that he spoke. CHASE Stalk much? Garrett quickly turns away. Chase rolls her eyes. An angry-looking kid, TRISTAN, wearing a MICHAEL VICK JERSEY, turns to Garrett. TRISTAN (FAKE SNEEZING) Faggot. GARRETT (EARNEST) Bless you. TRISTAN What'd you say to me? Elizabeth, with large bags under her eyes, enters the class. Tristan, on a dime, heads back to his seat. The class immediately quiets down. SASHA, 12, dressed like a paralegal, walks up to Elizabeth with a large Tupperware tray. SASHA Hi, I'm Sasha. It's a pleasure to meet you. (handing over tupperware) My mother baked these for you. ELIZABETH (not looking up) Just leave them on the desk. Sasha, confused, gently puts them down and stands there. After a moment, Elizabeth looks up. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) You need something? 16. - Sasha shakes her head and retreats to her desk at the front of the class. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Anyone here seen "Stand and Deliver?" Show of hands. (off their blank stares) No one? Edward James Olmos? Wow. Elizabeth takes a DVD from her bag. She points to two KIDS in the front of the class. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) You and you, go grab the TV and roll it up front. (pointing to Sasha) And you, go shut off the lights. The two kids, SHAWN and SPENCER, roll the TV over. Sasha shuts off the LIGHTS. SASHA We're watching a movie on the first day? CHASE (TO ELIZABETH) I think it's awesome. You rock. GARRETT I agree with Chase. Elizabeth pops in the DVD. "Stand and Deliver," starring Edward James Olmos as a tough-as-nails calculus teacher in an inner-city school begins. Elizabeth takes a bite of one of Sasha's cookies and immediately spits it out. ELIZABETH Ugh. Oatmeal raisin? She pushes the Tupperware tray into the trash next to her desk. Sasha looks on, sadly. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY Lunch is in full swing. Each clique has staked its own territory. Several TEACHERS, Elizabeth and Amy among them, are on lunch duty. ANGLE ON GARRETT, sitting alone, writing in a journal. Tristan, the bully, tosses a bowl of cole slaw at Garrett. TRISTAN Incoming! Direct hit. The cole slaw nails him in the shoulder. Garrett picks some of the cole slaw off his shirt and eats it. He continues writing. Amy races over to Tristan and writes him up. Elizabeth watches, bored, struggling to keep her eyes open. Amy heads over to Elizabeth. AMY Somebody's got a case of the sleepies. ELIZABETH AMY Did you see what just happened? ELIZABETH Yeah, that one kid hit the other kid with the cole slaw. AMY You weren't at the orientation the other day, but we're doing something new this year. It's very exciting. We're splitting the cafeteria into quadrants. Elizabeth yawns. AMY (CONT'D) So, anyways, in order for the quadrant system to work, it's vital that each teacher maintain order within their quadrant. Because it's really tough for me as head lunch monitor -- or another teacher -- to leave their quadrant to discipline a kid in another quadrant. I know it's a lot to take in. I'd be happy to sit with-you after school and explain all of the new guidelines. ELIZABETH Tell you what. Why don't you send me a memo, and if I have any questions, I'll come to you. AMY Okay, Elizabeth. Sounds like a plan, Stan. 18. AMY (CONT'D) (TO ELIZABETH) Oh, I meant to ask you. Did I hear that you were showing a movie this morning? ELIZABETH How do I know what you heard? AMY Fair enough. Listen, I don't want to tell you how to run your class, but maybe it might be fun to do some ice-breakers. Like "Telephone Charades" or "The String Game." Or start doing practice questions for the state test. It's never too soon to start. ELIZABETH Are we gonna have a problem, me and you? AMY Oh, shishkebobs, no. If I gave you that impression, I am so sorry. Actually, I was really hoping that we could be more than across-the-hall-mates. ELIZABETH I don't know what you've heard, but I don't munch box. AMY No, of course not. I don't even know what that is. I just meant friends. ELIZABETH Like getting manicures and going shopping on Sundays? Shit like that? AMY Yes! Yes! And helping each other out. Looking out for one another. ELIZABETH That's cool. Tell you what, friend, I'm gonna get going. Cover for me? Elizabeth doesn't wait for an answer, walks off. AMY (NERVOUS) But you can't leave. Lunch doesn't end for another... (looks at clock) (MORE) 19. AMY (CONT'D) Seven minutes. Who's going to watch your quadrant? INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - LATER Empty. Elizabeth looks around and spots the "INTEGRITY" poster on the wall. She walks over and studies it. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Elizabeth walks down the hallway with the rolled up poster. She. passes a man, obviously lost, looking at a map. This is SCOTT, 30. Handsome in a wholesome way. Elizabeth walks by as he looks up at her helplessly. She turns on her heels. Fresh fish. ELIZABETH (VERY FRIENDLY) Hi there. You look a little lost. SCOTT Hi. Can you tell me where Room 124 is? ELIZABETH I'll do you one better. I'll take you there. SCOTT Oh, you don't have to do that. ELIZABETH Will you stop? It'd be my pleasure. SCOTT Thanks! I feel like I've been walking around in circles for the last fifteen minutes. (EXTENDS HAND) Scott Delacorte. I'm the new sub. ELIZABETH Elizabeth Halsey, 7th Grade Language Arts. Welcome, welcome. They shake hands a beat too long. Elizabeth notices Scott's VERY EXPENSIVE WATCH. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Helluva watch. What's that -- a Jaeger- LeCoultre? SCOTT Good eye! ELIZABETH Thanks. I love men's watches. It's kind of a hobby. SCOTT It's a bummer knowing my watch could feed a village for .a year, but my grandfather designed it, so... ELIZABETH Oh? Your grandfather designs watches? SCOTT The family business. My mom's maiden name is Jaeger. ELIZABETH Shut up! SCOTT My parents had a minor meltdown when I decided to join the Peace Corps and become a teacher. But they've been cool about it. Elizabeth smiles and they start walking down the hall. SCOTT (CONT'D) Integrity. ELIZABETH SCOTT (pointing to poster).. The poster. "Integrity." What a great message for the kids. ELIZABETH That's why I got it. They turn a corner. Garrett wheels his backpack past them. GARRETT Hey, Ms. Halsey! ELIZABETH Hey... dude... She slaps him five. Scott notices, smiles. 21. SCOTT Man, I can't wait for the day that I have my own classroom. ELIZABETH Yeah... So did you and your wife just move to town? SCOTT I'm not married. ELIZABETH Me neither. I was engaged until I walked in on my fiance cheating on me. With his brother. SCOTT That's horrible! (NOTICING) Ooh, 124! This is me. ELIZABETH Nice to meet you, Scott Delacourte. Hopefully, we'll be seeing a lot of each other. SCOTT (HALF-JOKING) Only if a teacher gets sick. Great meeting you, Elizabeth Halsey. He heads into the room. Elizabeth cocks her head, checking out his ass as the door closes. ELIZABETH (TO HERSELF) Very nice meeting you. CLOSE ON A PAIR OF PERFECT FAKE BREASTS. A hand cups them from underneath. Pull back to reveal DR. VOGEL, 40s, and his receptionist, DANNI, probably in her 40s, with her shirt off. Elizabeth watches, rapt. DR. VOGEL As you can see, the weight is evenly distributed and there's minimal scarring. DANNI (TAH DAH) Dr. Vogel. DR. VOGEL (holding out his hands) "Best Hands in Chicago." ELIZABETH DR. VOGEL Absolutely. Take them for a spin. Elizabeth reaches out, squeezes Danni's breasts. ELIZABETH Wow. And the nipples are just... I love them. I'll take two. They all laugh. Elizabeth notices Dr. Vogel'.s watch. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Maurice Lacroix. That's a great watch. ELIZABETH (CURIOUS) And how's that going? DR. VOGEL She's my rock. (THEN) Alright, thanks, Danni. Danni puts her bra and blouse back on and exits. DR. VOGEL (CONT'D) So, Elizabeth, have you given any thought to size? ELIZABETH I was thinking, you know, maybe a D. DR. VOGEL IJh huh, uh huh. I ,would say, though, with your frame, you might consider something smaller. A large B, maybe a C cup. You'd be surprised how significant those would look. ELIZABETH Hmm. Yeah, I think I'll go with the D's, really turn some heads. 23. DR. VOGEL You know, Elizabeth, breast enhancement's not a cure-all. I just want to make sure you have realistic expectations. ELIZABETH Doctor, I lost my fiance to a woman with monster fake tits. So now I need monster fake tits so that I won't lose my next fiance. Those are my expectations. Is that realistic enough for you? DR. VOGEL Very good then. INT. DR. VOGEL'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - DAY Elizabeth leans over the counter and grabs a mint from a small bowl. Danni sits behind her desk wearing a headset. DANNI So you'll be off your feet for about two weeks... what works for you? ELIZABETH Let's do December 19th. Start of winter break. DANNI The 19th it is. So the total is $9300 for the surgery plus one night stay at our facility. How would you like to pay? Elizabeth laughs. Danni laughs. ELIZABETH That's absurd. What if I don't spend the night at your facility? DANNI The night's included in the price. Did you not read our literature? ELIZABETH No. A MIDDLE-AGED DOCTOR walks by. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (flirtatious, to doctor) Hi... (then, back to Danni) Listen, I'm a teacher, not a drug dealer. 24. DANNI We accept all major credit cards. ELIZABETH My credit situation is complicated. DANNI I'm sorry, but if you can't pay, I can't schedule the appointment. (LEANING IN) You know, there are less expensive options. Have you looked into South America? ELIZABETH I'll be back. Elizabeth dramatically scoops a handful of mints from the bowl and storms out. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elizabeth, her cell phone cradled to her ear, pulls a LEAN CUISINE out of a freezer STOCKED with them. ELIZABETH (ON PHONE) Look, I just really need some money. It's, for a surgery I need. Elizabeth pokes holes in the Lean Cuisine with a knife and turns on the microwave. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (ON PHONE) Yes, as a matter of fact, it is about my breasts, dad. (BEAT) Sorry. Happy belated birthday. So, can you wire me some money or not? EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT Elizabeth walks up a driveway and looks around. ELIZABETH (on phone, whispering) So I won't beat around the bush, Grammy. She pulls the kitchen knife from her bag and SLASHES the back tire of a late-model CAMRY. 25. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (on phone, whispering) I'm dying and I need money for surgery. Really? Nothing? Don't you get social security or something? Elizabeth goes around to another tire. Slash. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - LATER Elizabeth is still on the phone. CLOSE ON her computer screen. Her checking account balance: $45.66. ELIZABETH (into phone, losing patience) Listen, limpdick, you owe me for breaking off the engagement. Do you know how embarrassing that was?! (BEAT) Lover, I don't want to fight. It's just 10000 dollars and it would really mean the world to me. Lover? You there? Elizabeth hurls her phone at the wall. It smashes. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Fucking Troll! Kirk pokes his head out of his bedroom. KIRK Did you call my name? ELIZABETH No. I said 'fucking troll.' KIRK Oh, I thought you said Kirk. He turns and heads back in to his room. ELIZABETH Hey, you got ten grand? KIRK Nope. Kirk closes his door. After a beat, he opens it. KIRK (CONT'D) Also, I might be a little short on the rent this month. Like, a lot short. He closes his door. The microwave BEEPS. Dinner's ready. INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY Elizabeth and Lynn speak in hushed voices in the corner by a vending machine. Amy grades papers on a ratty- looking couch. She glances up at Elizabeth and Lynn. LYNN I don't know. That's a lot of money. ELIZABETH I know. And I hate asking a friend for money -- especially as good a friend as you. This has its desired effect on Lynn. LYNN Maybe I could sell that jewelry my grandmother gave me? ELIZABETH That turquoise crap? Blech. No one's buying that. (then, catching herself) But it looks great on you. LYNN Thanks. What about Mark? ELIZABETH What type of person do you think I am?! That assbag cheated on me. Did I ever tell you that he has a mole on the tip of his dick? ELIZABETH I'm just trying to better myself. I don't think that's asking for so much. Amy walks over. AMY 'Scuse,me. Just gonna scooch in here. She drops quarters into the vending machine, but doesn't bother selecting an item. This was clearly her "in." She turns to Elizabeth and Lynn. AMY (CONT'D) Sooo... I know it's none of my business, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation and I just want to say, that you shouldn't change a thing. You should be happy with the way you are. That's true. ELIZABETH Huh. Well, do you think mental retards should be happy with the way they are? Amy stammers. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Lynn, you teach them. What do you think? LYNN (CONSIDERING) I've never asked them. AMY I would never -- ELIZABETH We don't all have your tits, Squirrel. So maybe you should think before you interrupt a private conversation. AMY I guess that's what you get for trying to help... Amy pushes the coin release on the vending machine and takes back her change without getting a drink. Amy heads back to the couch. ELIZABETH That's right. Walk away. (then, noticing)- There he is! Scott enters. All of the female teachers light up. There he is! AMY Well, look what the cat dragged in! SCOTT I wish it was under better circumstances. Stu Riley's car was vandalized last night. Right in his driveway. AMY Gang members, probably. SCOTT (QUIET RESIGNATION) The public school system failed them. Elizabeth and Amy nod vigorously. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY An empty hallway. JOE CLARK (V.0.) So forget about the way it used to be. This is not a damn democracy! We are in a state of emergency and my word is law! There's only one boss around here, and that's me. The HNIC. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY The class is watching "Lean on Me," with Morgan Freeman as a tough-as-nails principal in an inner-city school. Amy's "Integrity" Poster now hangs above the TV. MR. O'MALLEY (ON TV) HNIC? MS. LEVIAS (ON TV) Head Nigger In Charge. The bell RINGS. ELIZABETH We'll pick this up again tomorrow. The students shuffle out. Garrett hustles after Chase. GARRETT Quite a film, huh? Chase gives him a weird look and then exits with her friends. Sasha lingers by Elizabeth's desk. 29. ELIZABETH (without looking up) What. SASHA I'm a student leader for the D.C. trip -- ELIZABETH Shocker. SASHA And we're having our car wash this weekend. If you're around, maybe we could wash your car. ELIZABETH I've got some Mexicans who already do it for nothing. SASHA It's for a good cause. This year, we're trying to get some extra money so that we can go on a Duck Tour! She hands Elizabeth a flyer. Elizabeth glances at it. SASHA (CONT'D) (SHRUGS) Last year's seventh grade raised $6000. ELIZABETH (SUDDENLY INTERESTED) $6000? INT. J.A.M.S. - ADMINISTRATION BULLPEN - DAY Elizabeth walks past the SCHOOL SECRETARY toward the Principal's office. SCHOOL SECRETARY You can't go in there. He's with a student. Elizabeth ignores her, adjusts her blouse, and enters. INT. J.A.M.S. - PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - DAY The office is decorated with a DOLPHIN motif. Figurines, a picture of Principal Snur kissing a dolphin. Dolphin calendars. This guy loves dolphins. Principal Snur sits next to ARKADY, a small pale kid. 30. PRINCIPAL SNUR If you don't like to get wet, Arkady, you could try using deodorant, anti-. perspirant, maybe some cologne. I know a lot of the older boys are wearing the body spray. ARKADY (BROKEN ENGLISH) Bodish spray. Elizabeth enters and immediately recoils from the smell. ELIZABETH Blugh! Arkady and Principal Snur both look up. He holds up his finger -- "one minute." Elizabeth notices his cheap dolphin watch. PRINCIPAL SNUR So why don't you think about that and I'll let your teachers know that you're working on it? Arkady nods and quickly exits. ELIZABETH Sorry, I didn't realize you were in with anyone. PRINCIPAL SNUR We were just finishing up. Elizabeth, I actually meant to talk to you. Did I hear that you were showing movies all last week? ELIZABETH Um... some clips, maybe. I think in a lot, of ways, movies are the new books. PRINCIPAL SNUR Huh. Elizabeth tries a different tact. She picks up a dolphin- shaped clock from the desk. ELIZABETH Is this new? I love it! I think dolphins are smarter than humans. PRINCIPAL SNUR Me too! And if you like that, you'll love this. 31. Principal Snur pulls out an "Adopt-A-Dolphin" certificate. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT`D) He lives in the Cayman Islands. ELIZABETH What a great story. Principal Snur visibly relaxes. He's sitting across from a kindred spirit. PRINCIPAL SNUR So what else is new? ELIZABETH Actually, I was thinking that I want to get more involved. PRINCIPAL SNUR What a nice surprise. ELIZABETH Specifically, I thought I could supervise the car wash. PRINCIPAL SNUR Amy's been running it the last two years... ELIZABETH She just does so much. It might be nice to give her a little rest. Especially that early on a Saturday. PRINCIPAL SNUR I'm so happy that you're dedicating yourself and becoming a real member of the JAMS family. ELIZABETH It just feels so good to help. MATCH CUT TO: INT. J.A.M.S. - PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - DAY Amy stands in the door where Elizabeth was just standing. Principal Snur is behind his desk. AMY Elizabeth?! For the seventh grade carwash? That's bonkers! 32. Amy immediately regrets saying "bonkers." AMY (CONT'D) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blow my stack. PRINCIPAL SNUR I just thought it was nice to see some other teachers step up. AMY We raised over $6000 last year. That's a record. Is this really the best time to start experimenting? PRINCIPAL SNUR Amy, I see you taking on a.lot of responsibility, what with directing "Annie" and all your work with D.A.R.E. I'd just hate to see you get overwhelmed like you did in 2004. She stares at him -- clearly, this is a touchy subject. AMY Of course. Well, I should skedaddle. Looks like someone needs to plan a Saturday morning bike ride. She turns on her heels and walks out. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAWN Elizabeth is asleep. Her ALARM goes off. It's 5:45 AM. She opens her eyes, sees the time, considers for a beat, then hits SNOOZE. She closes her eyes. - After a beat, the ALARM goes off again. She hits SNOOZE. Quick Cuts. Elizabeth hits the snooze button EVERY NINE MINUTES until 8:45. She stares at the clock. EXT. TEACHER'S PARKING LOT - MORNING Garrett stands at the school entrance, holding a giant cardboard sign that reads "CAR WASH" as a few CARS pull in. Chase, and the other popular girls, are dressed in seventh-grade sexy -- they've tied off their shirts. The BOYS run around spraying each other, but mostly spraying Garrett. Garrett laughs, mistakenly thinking that he's part of the fun. GARRETT Oh, I'm gonna get you guys! A couple of PARENT CHAPERONES stand in small clusters. Tristan, the bully, cocks his arm and aims a soapy sponge at Garrett. TRISTAN (NOTICING SOMETHING) Whoa. The CAMERA FOLLOWS Tristan's gaze. ELIZABETH steps out of her car. She's wearing HIGH HEELS, DAISY DUKES and a BIKINI TOP. She looks both spectacular and ridiculous. A couple of PARENTS look over at Elizabeth, in shock. ELIZABETH (calling to Parents) Sorry I'm late. MOTHER (to other PARENTS) I'm going to say something about her outfit. The MOTHERS vigorously nod in agreement. A DAD pipes in. DAD (staring hard at Elizabeth) Well, if it helps raise money... The other DADS vigorously nod in agreement. BEGIN CAR WASH MONTAGE: --Elizabeth holds the "Carwash" sign. A LINE of CARS forms. An OLDER MAN in an immaculately clean CADILLAC, rolls down his window and hands her money. --Elizabeth washes in SLO MO, shakes out her hair as she gets WET. The BOYS and their FATHERS stare at her. --The GIRLS try to mimic Elizabeth's seductive behavior. Their MOTHERS run over and pull them away. --The Older Man in the Cadillac comes back to have his car re-washed. END MONTAGE 34. EXT. TEACHER'S PARKING LOT - LATER The carwash is wrapping up. Elizabeth counts money at a makeshift table and puts the earnings into a metal lockbox. She glances around and then shoves a large clump of cash into her DAISY DUKES. VOICE (O.S.) What are you doing? Elizabeth looks up and sees Sasha hiding behind a TRUCK, clearly spying. ELIZABETH Nothing. Get out of here, Dummy. SASHA Are you stealing our money? ELIZABETH How dare you?! I'm here early on a Saturday for you guys. And for the record, nobody likes a tattle tale. SASHA I haven't tattled. Yet. ELIZABETH Good. Cause if you do, I'll deny it and flunk your ass. How will that look on your resume? SASHA (TEARS UP) I didn't say I would say anything. ELIZABETH Alright then. Now beat it. I've gotta finish counting this money. Sasha walks off. Elizabeth picks up a hose and sprays her. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) See you Monday! Elizabeth waves to SASHA'S MOTHER, who eagerly waves back. ANGLE ON ANY, across the street, watching through binoculars. She's straddling her bike and is wearing a helmet and a sheen of recently-applied suntan lotion. She takes a sip from her Camelbak, and pedals away. 35. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT CLOSE ON a fish bowl with a crude sign that reads "New Tits." Elizabeth drops in fistfuls of crumpled cash and then writes in a notebook: $1300. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Amy walks down the hall. She sees Principal Snur slip into the bathroom. Amy walks up to the MEN'S FACULTY BATHROOM door and waits. The BELL RINGS. AMY Shishkebobs. She hesitates a beat and then enters. INT. J.A.M.S. - MEN'S FACULTY BATHROOM - DAY Wally is in a stall reading a brochure for a DOLPHIN TOUR. PRINCIPAL:SNUR (TO HIMSELF) Amazing. AMY (O.S.) Wally? Are you in here? It's Amy Squirrel. He instinctively covers himself with the brochure. PRINCIPAL SNUR Amy? What are you doing? Get out! INTERCUT WITH: Amy standing inside. She scrunches her nose at the smell. AMY This'll just take a sec. I thought you might want to know that Elizabeth Halsey showed up at the carwash in a bikini top and short-shorts. It was pretty racy stuff. PRINCIPAL SNUR (THRU STALL) Can we talk about this later? AMY (quoting some adage) "Later we'll all die, said the gator to the fly." 36. Another TEACHER walks past Amy, looking confused. He hesitates and then goes into an adjoining stall. PRINCIPAL SNUR Look, Josh Gershman's dad called and said that the carwash was a huge success. And Lauren Rissman's dad called and said the kids had a great time. AMY I don't want to speak out of school, but I happened to be pedalling by and saw her get.pretty chummy with the money. ,And remember, we barely know anything about her. She was a real lone wolf last year. PRINCIPAL SNUR Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling from the seventh grade car wash? AMY Something about this doesn't pass the smell test, Wally. PRINCIPAL SNUR Well, they raised over $7000, so whatever she did worked. And next time you accuse a fellow teacher of stealing, you better be damn sure. We're done here. Amy takes a deep breath. Her face is BEET RED. AMY Thanks for the pep talk. Have a super day, you two. Amy exits. Immediately, there is an IMMENSE ERUPTION from the other stall, followed by a sigh. MALE TEACHER (O.S.) (IN STALL) Christ... I thought she was never going to leave. INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY Sandy, the math teacher with the ponytail, sits at the table grading papers. Another TEACHER dozes in the corner. ELIZABETH (entering, very friendly) Hey! Are those new Doc Marten's? Sandy looks behind him at the dozing teacher. "Is she talking to me?" Guilty. ELIZABETH How's Period 5? SANDY Great, thanks for asking. We got a new bassist and we finally got a regular gig, which is nice because it's earned. It's time to show the world that a bunch of teachers can really rock out. ELIZABETH Awesome! (THEN) Hey, would you mind grabbing me my yogurt from the fridge? Sure thing. Sandy goes to the fridge. Elizabeth pulls visine from her bag, and as his head goes into the fridge, she squirts the entire container into his coffee mug. SANDY (CONT'D) You should come to one of our shows. He hands her the yogurt. ELIZABETH Oh, I can't. Elizabeth exits. Sandy sadly takes a sip of his coffee. SANDY I didn't even tell you the dates. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY Elizabeth's class is seated. They're staring at her, waiting for her to begin. CHASE Are we starting "School Ties" today? Elizabeth holds up her finger while she finishes reading a NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. 38. The camera ANGLES to show that she is studying a picture of a topless AFRICAN TRIBESWOMAN with large breasts. After a beat, Elizabeth looks up. ELIZABETH Alright, today, we're starting "School Ties." Classic. (then, pointing to a Student) You, shut off the lights. Elizabeth goes to the DVD player. There's a knock at the door and the SCHOOL SECRETARY walks in holding a box. She hands it to a confused Elizabeth. SCHOOL SECRETARY Here it is. Good luck. ELIZABETH Here what is? SCHOOL SECRETARY It's the pre-test for the state standardized test. It was in the memo. ELIZABETH Oh, yes. In the memo. The Secretary leaves. Elizabeth stares at the box. Tristan and.a couple kids start making farting noises with their hands. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Hey. Zip it. Zip your shit. (THEN) Alright, look, we all know these tests are gay -- Elizabeth turns to a student who COULD BE GAY. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Hey. Elizabeth passes the box to the front of the class, where the kids dutifully take Scan-trons and test booklets. ELIZABETH.(CONT'D) (then, reading) According to this memo, I'm supposed to give you forty-five minutes per section. Blah blah blah. Clear your desks, pencils out and -- begin! Twenty-five pencils hit paper in unison. 39. Elizabeth takes the TV and swivels it to face her desk. She turns on the movie, turns down the volume (just a little bit) and reclines. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY Chase and another popular girl strut across the cafeteria, arm in arm. A THIRD POPULAR GIRL, saving a table, waves them over. Chase and her friend walk right past the girl like she doesn't exist and take a seat with a bunch of other girls. ELIZABETH (O.S.) (MARVELLING) Little bitches. TURN TO REVEAL Elizabeth and Lynn on lunch duty. The girl at the table starts BAWLING. Amy, also on duty, races over to console her. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) What a phony. LYNN Major phony. But she also cares a lot, too. (THEN) So what's going on with your boobs? ELIZABETH Shit. Shit is going on with my boobs. I'm never gonna get married. I'm gonna die broke. I should just blow my brains out. (then, lighting up) There he is! Scott walks down the ramp and HIGH-FIVES a bunch of kids. He gives them a big wave. LYNN I love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles. ELIZABETH I want to sit on his face. SCOTT Hey, guys. ELIZABETH You're really making a habit out of this. 40. SCOTT Ha, yeah. Actually, Sandy Pinkus in the Math department, I guess he got that stomach bug that's been going around and I got the call. LYNN I heard he pooped himself in first period. A kid had to walk him to the nurse. ELIZABETH Lynn, would you mind grabbing me a milk? Elizabeth gives her a "can you get out of here?" look. LYNN Scott, do you want anything? SCOTT I'm good, thanks for asking. Lynn walks off. ELIZABETH So, Scott -- Lynn comes back. LYNN Sorry, what kind of milk do you want? Skim? Whole? 2%? Chocolate? ELIZABETH I don't know. Surprise me. LYNN Okay, I'll get you skim. No, no, 2%. Lynn walks off again. ELIZABETH She's funny. Elizabeth notices Amy looking at her as she continues to console the girl. Elizabeth turns back to Scott. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) So, Scott, I was thinking, I would love to hear about your experiences in the Peace Corps. I love Haiti. Maybe we could go grab a drink some night. Maybe tonight. SCOTT Isn't it Back-to-School Night? 41. ELIZABETH (news to her) Yeah, Silly, I meant after. SCOTT Cool! Let's get a group together. ELIZABETH Yeah, definitely! Or just the two of us. Scott looks around, then lowers his voice. SCOTT Oh. Um, listen, I'm really flattered. You're one of the nicest people I've met here. But... I'm actually seeing someone. ELIZABETH Oh? SCOTT Yeah, we've been keeping it quiet. ELIZABETH Because she's ugly? SCOTT No. She's beautiful. She's great. She really cares about the kids. It's just... when you're dating a co-worker... ELIZABETH (REALIZING) Squirrel? Elizabeth whips around to see Amy, who's now sharing a frozen yogurt with the formerly bawling girl. Amy looks up, smiles and gives a thumbs up to Elizabeth and Scott, signalling that everything's okay with the girl. Elizabeth NOTICES Amy's LARGE BREASTS straining against her blouse. She quietly seethes. SCOTT Anyways, thanks again for asking me out. I'm honored. And I'll take a raincheck on that group date. See ya! Scott crosses through the cafeteria. Lynn returns with a four cartons of milk. LYNN Here you go. I got you one of each. 42. Lynn hands them to Elizabeth, who takes them, drops them in the trash and storms off. EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT At night, under the stars, the SCHOOL looks peaceful, serene. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - NIGHT Elizabeth is up front. She's staring,at the PARENTS. They stare right back at her. It's awkwardly silent for a beat too long. ELIZABETH Hi, my name's Elizabeth Halsey. Soooooo... Any questions? Sasha's Mother eagerly raises her hand. Elizabeth points to her. SASHA'S MOTHER Hi, I'm Sasha's mother. We waved to each other at the carwash. I'm a little concerned with the importance you're placing on movies. What about the state test? Elizabeth points to her sign on the wall -- "Don't Question My Authority." ELIZABETH That's exactly what I say to my students. Listen, I'm a good teacher. And the school hired me because I'm good at what I do. (as the parents take this in) And the reason your son loves my class is because I inspire him. Movies are one tool that I use. I also use other multimedia techniques, which I'm not going to get into right now. Look, I could take you day by day through my entire syllabus, but that's not how I do things. I'm not one of these stuffy teachers who's totally by the book. I talk to the kids like they're little adults. It's about mutual respect. So that's my spiel, as the Jews say. (THEN) Help yourselves to some delicious snacks and drinks in the back. Class dismissed. They head to the back of the class. ANGLE ON A "refreshments" table. A lonely package of OREOS rests against a PITCHER OF TAP WATER. Elizabeth tries to sneak out the door, but is stopped by a sharply dressed PARENT. PARENT #1 Excuse me, Ms. Halsey. (EXTENDING HAND) I'm Chris' dad. From Elizabeth's reaction, she clearly has no idea who Chris is. ELIZABETH Chris... Great kid -- and precocious. You must be so proud. CHRIS' DAD Oh, what a relief. I just wish his grades would reflect it. ELIZABETH If I know Chris, he'll get there. CHRIS' DAD Listen, I know you have a full plate, but if you could keep an eye on Chris, my wife and I would really appreciate it. Chris' dad shakes her hand. Elizabeth opens her hand, sees a tightly folded HUNDRED DOLLAR bill. She looks back up at Chris' dad. CHRIS' DAD (CONT'D) (WINKING) For supplies. Or whatever. JUMP CUT TO: INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER Elizabeth stands with another set of parents. They're eating Oreos and sipping water. ELIZABETH You're Chase's parents? Great kid -- and precocious. You must be so proud. The parents beam. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) A student like that would benefit so much from some extra attention. CHASE'S MOM You think we should hire a tutor? (then, to Chase's Dad) I told you. ELIZABETH (CONSPIRATORIAL) I'd be happy to do it myself. It's just hard in a class of twenty-five. CHASE'S MOM Oh, to be a teacher. ELIZABETH It's just so hard, on my salary, having to pay for my supplies, my fiance cheated on me with his twin sister... and, unlike a lot of these other teachers, all I truly care about is helping your child learn. And as their personal tutor, I guarantee a full grade higher -- or your money back. Chase's mom takes out her check book. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Make it out to "cash." JUMP-.CUT TO: INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - LATER Parents are leaving the class, ad-libbing "thank.you's." Another SET OF PARENTS surreptitiously hand Elizabeth some cash. A Bohemian mother, MELODY, wearing a beret, lingers behind. MELODY Excuse me, Ms. Halsey. I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Melody. Garrett's mom. ELIZABETH (EYEING BERET) Nice to meet you... Garrett's a great kid -- and precocious. You must be so proud. 45. MELODY Oh, you're referring to his poetry. Thank you. ELIZABETH You must be so proud. MELODY I am. So so so so so proud. So proud. ELIZABETH A kid like that, if I could just give some more one on one time, he would just blossom. MELODY I'm so happy to hear you say that. would really benefit from that. ELIZABETH Unfortunately, in a class of twenty- five... MELODY Ugh. Class sizes are ridiculous. ELIZABETH And with the amount they pay teachers... MELODY Thank god you love what you do. ELIZABETH I guess what I'm getting at is, maybe you could help out by giving me a little -- you know -- somethin somethin. Elizabeth offers her hand, palm up. Melody stares back at her blankly. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) It's just, it's really tough to teach the way that I want to teach when there's so little money. I mean, look at this place. MELODY You know what I'm going to do for you? Melody opens her pocketbook. Elizabeth smiles. MELODY (CONT'D) I am going to start a letter-writing campaign to the school board, to my congressman, to the mayor -- and keep writing until you get what you deserve. She opens her date book and writes herself a note. MELODY (CONT'D) And I'm writing myself a reminder! Melody pulls Elizabeth into a warm hug. MELODY (CONT'D) You are a saint. Melody exits. Elizabeth is left in the classroom by herself. ELIZABETH So long, Crazy. As Elizabeth pulls out the CASH she just made, we hear the opening beats of COOLIO'S "GANGSTER'S PARADISE." CUT TO: INT. J.A.M.S. - ADMINISTRATION BULLPEN - DAY The SONG continues. Elizabeth pokes her head in. The office is empty. She walks in, grabs the "Lost and Found" box and exits. INT. THRIFT STORE - DAY The SONG continues. Elizabeth stands across from a HIPPIE-LOOKING GIRL. The pile of "Lost and Found" clothes are laid out on the counter. The Hippie Girl hands Elizabeth some cash. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT The SONG continues as Elizabeth throws more money in her "New Tits" jar and enters a new amount into her notebook. The new balance: $1473. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY "Gangster's Paradise" CONTINUES and we see that the class is now watching "Dangerous Minds" with Michelle Pfeiffer as a tough-as-nails teacher in an inner-city school. INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - SAME The SONG continues as Amy, in her empty classroom, stands against the adjoining wall, her ear pressed to it. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - ANOTHER DAY The SONG continues. The class is still watching "Dangerous Minds." There's some NOISE in the hall. Elizabeth PAUSES the movie, STOPPING the song. She leans into the hall. ELIZABETH Enough with the commotion! The hallway goes silent. She comes back in and UNPAUSES the movie. The SONG comes back on. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY The SONG continues as the hallway fills with excited kids, who race down the hall and talk animatedly with friends. Elizabeth pushes through the center. EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY The SONG continues. Elizabeth sits in her car. She lights a joint with the cigarette lighter and deeply inhales. KNOCK KNOCK! The SONG abruptly ENDS. Elizabeth jumps. She turns to her window, sees Sasha, bundled in her winter coat, waving. ELIZABETH (through the window) What do you want? Sasha motions for her to roll down the window. Elizabeth doesn't. SASHA Is that marijuana? ELIZABETH It is. But it's medicinal. Doctor gave it to me. Not that it's any of your business. 48. SASHA Oh, okay. Feel better. (THEN) My mom and I made you holiday cookies. Here. Sasha pulls out a tupperware container. ELIZABETH (peering through window) Are those oatmeal raisin? SASHA Sugar. Elizabeth considers, then manually rolls down the window a crack. She grabs the container and quickly closes her window. Elizabeth starts eating a cookie. ELIZABETH You have anything to drink? Sasha shakes her head. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Word to the wise: stop dressing like you're running for congress. SASHA I don't want to run for congress. I want to be president. ELIZABETH See? That's what I'm talking about. Keep saying stuff like that, you're gonna get punched. You really want to be President or is that what your parents tell to be? Sasha shrugs. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) You don't have to decide right now. Who knows? Maybe you wake up one day and decide that you love giving massages and you want to be a masseuse. Salary plus tips. Think about it. SASHA If I think about it, will I get extra credit? ELIZABETH (shakes her head) Hopeless. Watch your feet. 49. Elizabeth reverses. Sasha jumps away from the car. Elizabeth peels out, passing the school marquee that reads, "Happy Holidays, Jammers! See you in '09!" INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY Elizabeth rolls over. It's 3:40 PM. She yawns and gets out of bed. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - DAY QUICK CUTS. Elizabeth opens her refrigerator. Nothing except ketchup packets, mustard packets and soy sauce packets. She reaches for her bong and tries lighting it. Once. Twice. She shakes the lighter. No luck. She carries the bong to the stove, turns on the stove, and tries lighting it from there. No luck. ELIZABETH Seriously? EXT. LIQUOR STORE - AFTERNOON Elizabeth walks up to the door. It's locked. She shakes the door. ELIZABETH Seriously? She sees a HOMELESS GUY leaning against the storefront. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Why's the store closed? The Homeless Guy looks at her strangely. HOMELESS GUY It's Christmas. ELIZABETH Seriously? Elizabeth looks around. The streets are empty. Not a person in sight. HOMELESS GUY Merry Christmas! ELIZABETH Whatever. (then, stops) Hey, you got a lighter? HOMELESS GUY I don't smoke. It's bad for you. Elizabeth walks back to her car, empty-handed. A MINI- VAN passes. Stops. Reverses.. The window rolls down. It's Garrett and his Mom. GARRETT Ms. Halsey! Hey, it's me, Garrett! MELODY Merry Christmas, Ms. Halsey! ELIZABETH MELODY Having a nice Christmas? ELIZABETH MELODY What are you doing the rest of the day? Going to see your family? ELIZABETH (UNCONVINCING) I'm probably going to meet up with some people. We're having a big potluck, so... Elizabeth-shuffles her feet. MELODY Ms. Halsey. (then, extremely maternal) Elizabeth. Would you like to have Christmas with us? INT. GARRETT'S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY Cozy and unpretentious. Filled with crafts. Elizabeth sits next to Melody and across from Garrett, who's wearing his "Gymnastics" sweatshirt, and his TWO AUNTS, both divorced. Elizabeth tears through a plate of Christmas cuisine. MELODY This is a real treat for Garrett. He doesn't have a lot of friends come by the house. ELIZABETH I find that hard to believe. (CHECKS WATCH) Listen, I hate to eat and run, but I've gotta head over to the shelter. GARRETT I thought we could play board games! AUNT #1 A shelter. That is so inspiring. ELIZABETH Yeah, I love helping bums. MELODY Oh, but you have to wait for dessert. We have a real treat. ELIZABETH If it's cheesecake, I'll stay. MELODY It's even better than cheesecake! (THEN) Garrett, why don't you run and get some of your new poetry? GARRETT (feigning. embarrassment) Oh god, no one wants to hear it. Oh god, I'm so embarrassed! MELODY Don't be shy, Marbles. Garrett runs out of the room. ELIZABETH If you're not really serving dessert, I'm gonna have to get going. MELODY One poem? If you like it, maybe you can read it to your homeless friends. INT. GARRETT'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER Garrett stands in front of Elizabeth and his family. He opens his journal, clears his throat, and begins. GARRETT This is called "The Chase," by Garrett Tiara. (READING) XOXO /My love for you is XOXO/ Her hair is long and straight / Isn't it great? / About her smile / That I would walk a mile for / About her personality / That makes me see the best in me / And at night when we sleep / Our souls locked in deep / So that when we sleep / We can stop pretending / And embrace our beautiful ending. Melody applauds. The Aunts join in. Elizabeth claps, then gets up to go. Garrett shakes them all off. ELIZABETH She sits back down. GARRETT We'll dance our dance / We'll revel in romance perchance / One glance / One dance / Because together we can achieve... (really reaching for it) Ba-lance... Thank you. He closes his journal. Everyone applauds. Melody looks to Elizabeth for a reaction. ELIZABETH Junior likes to rhyme. 53. MELODY Patty, Nancy, why don't you give me a hand with dessert -- give them a chance to talk about the poem. The women exit, leaving Garrett and Elizabeth. ELIZABETH So your poem's about that girl? GARRETT Chase, yeah. You got the subtext. ELIZABETH Can I give you some advice? GARRETT Please. ELIZABETH Number one, stop writing poetry. Two: stop reading it. And three: don't set your sights so high. I mean, she's really hot. If I were you, I'd try for that chubby girl that sits up front -- the one with the teeth? Elizabeth puts her hands to show teeth going off in different directions. GARRETT But I like Chase. ELIZABETH Not gonna happen. Look, I was that hot girl. Hotter, even. And I never would have gone out with a kid like you. And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it to be helpful. GARRETT What do you know? You don't-even know our names. ELIZABETH I'll tell you what I know: a kid who wears the same "Gymnastics" sweatshirt three days a week isn't getting laid until he's 26. That's what I know. GARRETT (EMOTIONAL) This sweatshirt was my dad's. It's all he left when he left. 54. ELIZABETH Well, there's a reason he didn't pack it. GARRETT (quiet, steely) Fuck you. Elizabeth pats Garrett on the shoulder. ELIZABETH Good luck being a loser. Thank your mom for dinner. Elizabeth heads for the door. GARRETT Happy New Year. Are you spending that alone, too, or do you want my mom to invite you over? She gives him the finger over her shoulder and leaves. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY The students, many tanned, many with braids in their hair from their winter vacations, silently stare at Elizabeth. She looks haggard. She pulls out a bottle of cough syrup and takes a long swig. The kids look at each other, like "what is she doing?" Elizabeth lets out a lame, fake cough. ELIZABETH Shut up. INT. WOMEN'S FACULTY BATHROOM - DAY Elizabeth is-checking her makeup in the mirror. Lynn enters. Her blouse has a healthy serving of vomit on it. LYNN Hey, welcome back. ELIZABETH What is that, vomit? Lynn grabs some towels and blots at the stain.. LYNN Yeah, and a little blood. The kids had too much sugar. (MORE) 55. LYNN (CONT'D) Anyways, a bunch of us are going out tonight to see Period 5 play. Do you want to come? ELIZABETH Ugh. No. Elizabeth heads out. Lynn, still blotting, follows her. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Elizabeth and Lynn bump into Scott. SCOTT Hey, guys. Are you coming to 'In Cahoots' tonight? My band's doing a few songs. Could be fun. ELIZABETH Um, yes! That sounds like a party. (then, to Lynn) Lynn, do you want to come? LYNN Yes. SCOTT We'll all grab a drink! ELIZABETH Great. I need to get drunk. I mean, not drunk drunk. But a strong buzz. Still be able to drive home. SCOTT (high fives her) Now we're cooking with grease! CUT TO: EXT. IN CAHOOTS BAR & GRILL - NIGHT We hear the familiar riff of Shawn Mullin's "Lullaby." CUT TO: INT. IN CAHOOTS BAR & GRILL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Scott, Sandy (with his hair down), a BALDING BASS PLAYER with a yarmulke and a HEAVY-SET DRUMMER, are playing their hearts out. This is PERIOD 5. 56. Amy, and a couple other teachers are front and_center, grooving to the music. Amy sways with her eyes closed. SANDY (SINGING) Everything's gonna be alright / rockabye... Scott joins in, harmonizing. SCOTT Rockabye, rockabye... SANDY SCOTT Bye, bye... Bye, bye... ANGLE ON Elizabeth and Lynn at the bar. LYNN Aren't they terrific? Elizabeth eye-fucks Scott. She catches his eye and he quickly smiles before nervously turning his attention to Amy. Elizabeth watches Amy dance in SLO M0, her BREASTS bouncing up and down. ELIZABETH (staring at Amy's breasts) They're perfect. LYNN You should hear some of their originals. She turns to the bartender. ELIZABETH Two more. (then, to Lynn) You want anything? LYNN No thanks... You know, I was thinking that if you still need that money, you should.try and go for the bonus. Can't hurt. ELIZABETH What bonus? LYNN For the state test. (off Elizabeth's look) (MORE) 57. LYNN (CONT'D) Whichever teacher has the highest scoring class gets a bonus. We talk about it all the time in the faculty meetings. ELIZABETH How much? LYNN $5700. Could be good, right? (THEN) Let's dance! Lynn runs out onto the dance floor and joins Amy. DRUMMER (COUNTING OFF) 1, 2, 3, 4... SANDY (SINGING "SMOOTH") Man it's a hot one / like seven inches from the midday sun... Amy kicks her shoes off, and starts dancing. Lynn follows suit. Elizabeth throws back her drink and exits. CUT TO: INT. J.A.M.S. - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAWN The sun is breaking. INT. AMY'S CAR - SAME Amy listens to NPR as she pulls into the empty parking lot. Suddenly, she SLAMS on her brakes. ELIZABETH'S CAR is already there. Amy puts her car in park and gets out. She walks over to Elizabeth's car and feels the hood. AMY Cold. INT. J.A.M.S. - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER The clicking of Amy's shoes ECHO through the empty hallway. She stops, takes off her shoes. She pitter-patters down the hall to Elizabeth's classroom and PEERS in. 58. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - SAME Elizabeth is at the chalkboard, intently writing questions. She senses something in her periphery and looks over at her window. Nothing. Elizabeth goes back to work. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - LATER Elizabeth waits in the doorway impatiently as the kids filter in. Garrett brings up the rear, rolling his backpack into class. ELIZABETH (TO GARRETT) Let's go, Sylvia Plath. Garrett rolls his backpack over Elizabeth's shoe.. Elizabeth winces and glares at Garrett. The rest of the class enters, stops, noticing WORK PACKETS on each of their desks. CHASE (LOOKING AROUND) Where's the TV? ELIZABETH (ALL BUSINESS) Everyone, take your seats. Shawn turns to Spencer. SHAWN What do you think's going on? Spencer shrugs. ELIZABETH Come on, come on. We have a lot to cover so sit down. The class, still confused, quickly take their seats. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Alright then. Now. Open your To'Kill A Mockingbird to page one. The kids slowly take out their books. We HEAR the distinct sound of twenty-five book spines cracking as they're opened for the first time. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (checking her notes) Good. Now, who can tell me why Jem cries when the hole in the tree is filled with cement? Anyone? GARRETT Because she's a cry baby. The kids chuckle. Chase looks back at Garrett. ELIZABETH (TO GARRETT) Get out. Garrett clicks up the handle on his bag and heads for the door. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) We're here to learn. Anyone else have a problem with that? Good. So who has the answer to my question? Everyone looks down. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Nobody's read this book? It's on the syllabus. SASHA (raising hand and answering) You never assigned it to us. ELIZABETH Well, now I am. And we're having a quiz tomorrow. Panic. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) On the first hundred pages. PANDEMONIUM. SASHA You can't do that! I have band and jazz band tonight! SHAWN We haven't had homework all year! ELIZABETH Hey! Zip your shit! We've fallen behind, and honestly, your practice tests scores sucked balls -- which was embarrassing to me both on a personal level and as an educator. (BEAT) Things are about to change. Recess is over. INT. ELIZABETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elizabeth reads To Kill a mockingbird and highlights like crazy. She stops, takes a hit from her bong, and continues. Her roommate, Kirk, enters through the front door, sipping from a Big Gulp. ELIZABETH Did you get my Cool Ranch? He tosses her a bag of chips. KIRK You owe me two bucks.. Kirk walks into his room and closes the door. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY Elizabeth paces. She has a book of stickers in her hand. ELIZABETH Okay, now, what is the significance of the Mockingbird in the novel? What was Harper Lee trying to tell us? No one raises their hand. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE) Come on, you guys know this. This is as close to real teaching as we've seen from Elizabeth. Sasha raises her hand. We see that she already has two gold star stickers on her forehead. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (rolls her eyes) Anyone else? Chase raises her hand. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) CHASE It's a symbol for, um, equality? Elizabeth puts a sticker on Chase's forehead. ELIZABETH Okay, good. Can anyone add to what that girl said? JUMP CUT TO: INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - ANOTHER DAY The desks have been arranged into a makeshift courtroom. Spencer presides as the judge. Chase and Shawn are the prosecutors. Garrett is dressed like Boo Radley. Tristan, the bully, addresses the rest of the class -- the "jury." Everyone is clearly into the exercise. REVEAL Principal Snur, clad in a dolphin tie, watching from the back of the class. TRISTAN Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the "facts," but come on, you know me. I'm Atticus Finch, baby! The class laughs. TRISTAN (CONT'D) Come on, seriously. You're gonna side with Chase and Shawn over me? ELIZABETH Use examples from the book. SPENCER It doesn't matter what race the defendant is. You've just gotta look at the facts-. Elizabeth nods in agreement. The bell RINGS. ELIZABETH Good work today. And don't forget to leave your closing statements on my desk. The students all dutifully drop off their papers, placing them in a neat stack next to other ungraded PAPERS. Principal Snur exits, giving Elizabeth a thumbs up. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (CALLING AFTER) Love the tie! INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY Scott and Amy share a bag of trail mix. Sandy reads a Jerry Garcia biography. Lynn grades. papers. AMY So, you know how I hate to gossip, but I heard that one of the custodians walked in on Omar -- you know, that Arabic boy -- giving... (WHISPERS) Oral sex to Matty Feldstein after swim practice in the boy's locker room. SANDY It just starts younger and younger. LYNN (EARNEST) It's nice to finally see the Jews and the Arabs getting along. Elizabeth enters. Scott looks up and smiles. SCOTT Hey, Ms. Halsey. AMY Your shirt's mis-buttoned. Her shirt's mis-buttoned. ELIZABETH (LOOKING DOWN) Oh shit. Hold on. Elizabeth turns away from them and starts rebuttoning. Sandy tries to sneak a peek. Scott shoots him a dirty look. Sandy gives an innocent shrug. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (grabs yogurt from fridge) I've just been such a mess the last few days. Working myself to the bone. 63. AMY Yeah, it's been quite a change. SCOTT. Well, I think it's great. Some teachers just sail by, doing the bare minimum. It's good to know there are still some actual educators out there. Elizabeth smiles for Scott, like, "You get me." ELIZABETH Well, I should get going. Nice seeing all of you. Amy and Elizabeth smile thinly at one another. Elizabeth squeezes Scott's shoulder as she exits. Amy notices. SCOTT (RE ELIZABETH) What a good egg. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - LATER Amy and Sasha sit in the empty auditorium. Sasha is dressed as LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE, including the RED WIG." Student STAGEHANDS construct a set. AMY What else, Sasha? SASHA I don't know. I told you about the car wash money. AMY I can't prove that. What else? SASHA I think I've told you everything. AMY And no more movies in class? SASHA No, we're actually learning. Did you know that Animal Farm isn't even really about animals -- AMY (SNAPPING) Animal Farm?! That's not even on the syllabus! (MORE) 64. AMY (CONT'D) (then, collecting herself) I know you're forgetting something. Do you want extra credit on your diorama or not? SASHA I want it! Let me think... Oh there was... never mind. AMY What? SASHA It was okay. It was medicinal. AMY Wait. Hold your horses. What was medicinal? SASHA Ms. Halsey was smoking in her car, but she told me her doctor prescribed it. AMY (TO HERSELF) Holy guacamole. CUT TO: INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY SLO MO. Two scary-looking GERMAN SHEPHERDS, their teeth bared, pull two POLICE OFFICERS down the hall. POLICE OFFICER #1 (to German Shepherd, coaxing) Come on, Axel, what do you smell, boy? The Police Officers continue the search. They lead the dogs up against lockers and knock on class doors. Amy and Principal Snur watch from the end of the hallway. PRINCIPAL SNUR (TO AMY) You better be right about this -- or I'm going to be getting a lot of panicked calls from parents. AMY Trust me, Wally. My kids in D.A.R.E. tell me everything and there are drugs in this school. And not just the students. Some of the female teachers. 65. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY The class is split up into mini-sections of four desks each. The students are quietly and dutifully working. As Elizabeth reads papers and grades them, we HEAR the various student's voices. TRISTAN (V.0.) Atticus Finch is a good lawer because he's a good person whose a layer. Elizabeth looks at Tristan. As she writes, we HEAR -- ELIZABETH (V.0.) Proofread. JUMP CUT TO: QUICK CUTS. Elizabeth grades another paper. She's growing more agitated and is now feverishly writing. ELIZABETH (V.0.) (CONT'D) Wrong!!! ELIZABETH (V.0.) (CONT'D) Is this English? ELIZABETH (V.0.) (CONT'D) Are you fucking kidding me? Elizabeth crosses out with one line, so it's clearly visible beneath. From out in the hallway, we HEAR the loud, aggressive BARKING of the DOGS. Tristan runs to the door and peeks out. SPENCER Whoa. Drug dogs. Cool. ELIZABETH Sit down. Elizabeth races to the window. ELIZABETH'S POV The Police officers and the dogs enter the classroom next to hers. Elizabeth glances back at her pocketbook. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (under her breath) Balls. She races back to her desk. 66. ELIZABETH (CONT'D Keep reading. Elizabeth takes her seat and leans under her desk, obscuring her from her class. She opens her pocketbook and pulls out a CIGARETTE CASE. She pops it open and we SEE three neatly rolled JOINTS. Without hesitation, Elizabeth POPS the first one into her mouth and starts chewing vigorously. As she. makes her way through the second and then the third, the chewing becomes slower and the BARKING becomes louder and louder. Elizabeth starts CHOKING as the door opens and the Police Officer and the German Shepherd enter, followed by Principal Snur and Amy. PRINCIPAL SNUR Elizabeth, sorry to bother you. This will only take a second. Elizabeth,. still choking, digs into her purse. She grabs her cough syrup and takes a huge swig. Elizabeth wipes her mouth, breathes normally. ELIZABETH Sorry. I had something caught in my throat. The German Shepherd continues barking. POLICE OFFICER #1 What is it, Axel? Where is it, boy? The Dog comes bounding at Elizabeth. Elizabeth's eyes go wide. Amy licks her lips. The Dog sideswipes Elizabeth, almost knocking her over, and jumps onto Garrett. GARRETT Ahhh!!! The'Police Officer starts rummaging through Garrett's bag and pulls out an opened bag of CORN CHIPS. POLICE OFFICER #1 (holding up Corn Chips) All clear. Dog must've responded to these. Happens. Elizabeth glares at Amy -- "I know you were behind this." Amy glares back. Principal Snur looks at Amy and shakes his head. AMY (grasping at straws, to Garrett) Even though that wasn't drugs, junk food is still contraband. That's detention, Buster. PRINCIPAL SNUR Enough, Amy. I think it's time we call off this witch-hunt. ELIZABETH (pointedly to Amy) Thank you, Principal Snur. Now if you'll excuse me, my class has a state test to prepare for. Principal Snur, Amy and the Police Officer exit. Elizabeth slumps down into her chair, and all at once, the combination of WEED and COUGH SYRUP HITS HER. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Whoa. CHASE Are you okay, Ms. Halsey? Elizabeth takes a long beat before answering. ELIZABETH Class dismissed. SASHA But the bell didn't ring. ELIZABETH Get out of my face. (then, to Garrett) And leave the corn chips. The class uncertainly gathers their things and heads out. From outside Elizabeth's window, we SEE the SCHOOL BUSSES idling curbside. Elizabeth stares at the papers she still needs to grade. The papers stare back at her. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (to no one) But first, a nap. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - NIGHT Elizabeth is asleep at her desk. She wakes with a jolt. A paper is stuck to her face. She looks again at the stack of work, then at the pile of things she's already corrected. There's FOUR. ELIZABETH Balls! She knocks the stack of ungraded papers to the ground. After a beat, she collects herself, goes to pick the, papers off the floor. As she starts tossing them into the trash, something catches her eye: a PRACTICE TEST MANUAL. And in the corner, an address: 54 LAKEVIEW STREET Peoria Il, 61602 ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Huh. Elizabeth tears off the corner and pockets it. ELIZABETH (PRE-LAP) (CONT'D) Hey, it's Elizabeth Halsey... I/E. ELIZABETH'S CAR - DAY Elizabeth is driving down the highway and smoking a joint. ELIZABETH (V.0.) Unfortunately, I can't make it in today. My grandmother took a turn for the worse and it looks like she's dead. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY The kids are laughing and engaged. TURN TO REVEAL SCOTT, dressed in overalls and a straw hat with a piece of hay in his mouth, animatedly teaching. He's holding a copy of "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer." ELIZABETH (V.0.) Yeah. So I'm off to the funeral. Wish me luck. EXT. SIGMA NU - MOMENTS LATER Elizabeth knocks on the door. A buff, shirtless guy in a backwards hat opens it. He likes what he sees. FRAT GUY Hi there. ELIZABETH Is Tucker here? FRAT GUY (DISAPPOINTED) Yeah, hold on. T-baaaaag! Someone's here. (then, back to Elizabeth) So you coming to our "CEOs and Corporate Ho's" party tonight? Elizabeth just stares at the Frat Guy. He turns away. Tucker, dressed identically to the Frat Guy but twenty pounds overweight, hustles down the stairs. He has a tattoo of intertwined teabags around his bicep. TUCKER INT. SIGMA NU - TUCKER'S BEDROOM - DAY Tucker sits on his bed. Elizabeth leans against a desk, unwilling to sit down on anything in his disgusting room. BOB MARLEY plays softly. TUCKER Do you ever talk to my brother? ELIZABETH No. He dumped me, remember? TUCKER You and my brother always had the histrionics. (THEN) So, do you want to come to our party tonight? "CEOs and Corporate Ho's?" We're kinda light on Ho's. ELIZABETH Like I told "Frat Guy #1," I'm not interested. TUCKER Then what's up? ELIZABETH I need some date rape drugs. TUCKER (hurt, defensive) Two things. Number one: who do you think I am? Yeah, I like to party and yeah, I'm in an awesome frat, but that really hurts. And two: they're not "date rape" drugs. It's called GHB -- and it's for weightlifting. It helps build mass, okay? Why do you even want it? ELIZABETH (DEADPAN) For lifting. (THEN) I have money and I'm in a rush. She takes out a wad of cash. TUCKER That's all you needed to say. No need to get all histrionic on me. Tucker walks over to a chest, opens it, and takes out a small lockbox. He unlocks it and takes out a small bottle containing a clear liquid. TUCKER (CONT'D) One capful makes you feel really good. Two capfuls will knock her out for a couple hours. You don't want to take any more than two. Elizabeth hands him some cash. He hands her the jar and then gives her a big, warm hug. TUCKER (CONT'D) Listen, I know you and my brother aren't together anymore, but I still think of you as a sister, okay? ELIZABETH Get your hand off my ass. TUCKER Sorry, didn't even know I put it down there. Good luck with your lifting. 71. INT. ELIZABETH'S CAR - DAY As Elizabeth drives, we HEAR a phone RINGING. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) I.S.A.T. How can I direct your call? ELIZABETH (O.S.) Hi, my name is Marjorie Goodman and I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune. Who could I speak to regarding allegations of racial bias on your standardized tests? A beat. WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Please hold. INT. T.G.I.FRIDAY'S - NIGHT A portly, unkempt man in a cheap suit, CARL HALABI, nervously walks through the hotel bar. He sees the back of a WOMAN with a RED PERM. CARL Marjorie? "Marjorie" turns and we SEE that it's actually ELIZABETH, wearing the "Little Orphan Annie" wig. She's sipping a cocktail. ELIZABETH You must be Carl. His face lights up, excited to be in the company of such an attractive woman. Elizabeth stands and extends her hand. Carl notices Elizabeth's very short skirt. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Thanks for meeting me on such short notice. Elizabeth motions for him to sit down. CARL (NERVOUS) You find the place alright? Good drive? ELIZABETH Great drive. I love downstate Illinois. CARL First time to Peoria? 72. ELIZABETH Hmm mmm. CARL A lot of people don't know this, but it's the largest city on the Illinois River. ELIZABETH Wow. I did not know that. CARL Yup yup. And it was actually founded before Chicago. ELIZABETH Hello, Jeopardy! Have you ever auditioned? CARL (enjoying the compliment) No. I should, I should. Definitely thought about it. ELIZABETH Listen, I'd love to sit here and chat with you all night. CARL Yeah... ELIZABETH But I'm sure you're a very busy man, so I'll get right down to it. (THEN) I've spoken to various, um, black citizens who are alleging that your tests are biased towards white people and Orientals. CARL (shakes head in frustration) You can't use my name, okay? ELIZABETH No problem. CARL Like I told you on the phone, every couple of years, we get calls from all over the state with these cockamamie charges. You should hear what they call me. And I'm not a racist. I voted for Obama. (motioning for her to write) That, you can quote me on. 73. ELIZABETH Oh, right. Elizabeth takes out a notebook and pen and starts jotting down notes. CARL Look, Marjorie, I know my tests aren't perfect. But what's the alternative? I'm all for free thinking and creativity, but how do you formulate an education budget without hard numbers from one of my tests? ELIZABETH You don't need to convince me. But you know what would help, Carl? For me to see one of this year's tests. CARL No problem at all. Elizabeth lights up. CARL (CONT'D) I'll send you one the day after the schools administer them. ELIZABETH I'd really love to see it sooner. I'm on a bit of a deadline. CARL I wish I could, but unfortunately, you need one of these bad boys. Carl holds up a lanyard with a STATE ID CARD and some keys attached. ELIZABETH Ooh, you look like you're CIA. Listen, I totally get it. Enough business for one night. (THEN) I'm gonna have another drink before I hit the road. What's your poison? CARL My poison is the white devil. Wine. White wine. ELIZABETH Fantastic. (then, to Bartender) One white wine, one tequila sunrise, and two shots of tequila. 74. INT. T.G.I.FRIDAY'S - LATER Carl is a little tipsy and slurring his words. Elizabeth seems to be fine. CARL You know, Marjorie, this is the best night I've had in a longtime. ELIZABETH Well, that makes two of us. Elizabeth gives Carl "fuck me" eyes. He nervously sips his drink. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) What turns you on, Carl? CARL Everything. ELIZABETH You know what turns me on, Carl? He giggles nervously. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (WHISPERS) Sex in an office. Getting fucked really, really hard against a wooden desk. CARL (SWALLOWS) Mine's metal. ELIZABETH Even better. INT. ILLINOIS STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - NIGHT Carl flips on the fluorescent lights and they flicker on, like dominoes across the ceiling. They enter his office and Carl awkwardly leans against the metal desk. CARL (gesturing, as promised) So this is the desk. ELIZABETH Do you have anything to drink? Carl goes to a mini-fridge and pulls out an already opened bottle of white wine. 75. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) White wine in the office. You're a bad boy. Carl pours a glass. Elizabeth swigs from the bottle. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Do you have any music? CARL Um... I could put on some internet radio. Carl goes to fiddle with his computer. Elizabeth quickly reaches into her purse and pulls out the bottle of GHB. She pours a little into Carl's wine. And then a little bit more. As he turns around, she hands him the glass. ELIZABETH A toast. To new friends. CARL To new lovers. CLINK. Carl downs his glass. CARL (CONT'D) (NERVOUS) I'm gonna take off my shoes. Is that okay? ELIZABETH Whatever, man. I'm gonna hit the lady's room. CARL K, first door on your right. Don't be long. Carl starts carefully clearing everything off of his desk. INT. STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Elizabeth waits in the bathroom. Yawns. Checks her watch. INT. STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - LATER She walks back in. Carl looks woozy. The only thing keeping him from passing out is the prospect of seeing Elizabeth naked. CARL (SLURRING) I wanna fug ya agains dis desk. 76. ELIZABETH Easy, Cowboy. Carl stumbles towards her. Elizabeth deftly moves around the desk and exits into the bullpen. CARL Marblorie! ELIZABETH (as to a child) Carl, I'm gonna need you to pass the fuck out. Carl smiles as he feebly chases after her. He. stops at the photocopier, steadies himself momentarily and then passes out, STILL STANDING. Elizabeth grabs the lanyard from Carl's neck and heads back into his office. She goes over to the filing cabinets, unlocks it with one of the keys, and starts rifling. She pulls out a folder. 2009 ILLINOIS STANDARDIZED TEST ELIZABETH (CONT'D) And bingo was his name-o. She walks over to the photocopier and pushes Carl over. He collapses on the ground -- out cold. She copies the test and puts it back and grabs a stack of scantrons from a shelf. She takes a post-it, scribbles something and sticks it to his forehead. As Elizabeth exits, the camera PUSHES IN: "You were AMAZING. Love, Marjorie." CUT TO: INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - MORNING Elizabeth stares at the clock. 8:59... 8:59. ELIZABETH Okay, go. The students open their test books and start. Twenty- five pencils hit paper in unison. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - LATER Elizabeth stares at the clock. 10:59... 10:59. ELIZABETH Okay, pencils down. A couple of groans. A couple of frantic moves to fill in more scantron bubbles. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Come on, come on. It doesn't even matter. Bring your tests up. The students dutifully place their tests into a neat stack on the corner of Elizabeth's desk and exit. Elizabeth waits for all the kids to leave and then slides all of the exams into the trash. She pulls out a match and lights the exams on fire. She then reaches into her bag and pulls out a new stack of completed exams. She places the new exams into an official-looking folder and exits. DISSOLVE TO: CHYRON: 2 WEEKS LATER Principal Snur is on stage. All the teachers sit in the first few rows. Amy stands at her seat. AMY If anyone has any information regarding the whereabouts of the missing "Annie" wig, please let me know ASAP. Because if that wig isn't found, you can bet your bottom dollar the "sun will not come out tomorrow." Back to you, Wally. Amy sits. Principal Snur addresses the teachers. PRINCIPAL SNUR Thanks, Amy. Um, okay, I'm sure everyone wants to go home, so I'll be quick. SANDY (PIPING UP) Fourscore and seven years ago... Scattered laughter. Elizabeth rolls her eyes. PRINCIPAL SNUR (holding up file) So I have here the results of the state exam -- and I'm happy to announce that John Adams Middle School had the fifth highest scores in the state. The Teachers applaud. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) And I want to single out one of our own, who showed that with hard work and dedication, one person can make a difference. She makes me proud to be her boss and she's now $5700 richer. With the highest scores in the county -- yes, you heard me right, in the county ---I want everyone to please give a hand to -- AMY (to random teacher) Oh boy, third year in a row. This is starting to get embarrassing. PRINCIPAL SNUR Elizabeth Halsey! Elizabeth leans over to Amy, who's sitting beside her. ELIZABETH This is unexpected. All of the color drains from Amy's face as Elizabeth stands and waves at the crowd. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Teachers are exiting the auditorium. Scott catches up to Elizabeth, who's marvelling at the bonus check. SCOTT Hey, if it isn't Professor Smartypants. Scott playfully punches her shoulder. Elizabeth playfully punches him back. ELIZABETH (FLIRTY) Better not mess with me. I'm a lot stronger than I look. 79. SCOTT (LAUGHS) So what are you gonna do with your new- found riches? ELIZABETH Something big. Maybe two big things. Amy walks up and gives Elizabeth a big, fake hug. AMY Hey! Ism so proud of you. If someone told me at the beginning of the year that you -- you! -- would get the bonus, I would've said to whomever it was, 'you must be joshing me.' And now, here we are. Here we are. SCOTT We should go out and celebrate. (joking, to Elizabeth) Your treat? AMY What a good, fun idea. Unfortunately, Scott and I have to go over the itinerary for the D.C. trip. We're the chaperones. We're going together. (then, quiet to Elizabeth) We're dating, so it'll also be romantic. You're not dating anyone now, right? ELIZABETH I've got my eye on someone, but he's dating a major cunt. (then, to Scott) Pardon my French. SCOTT No, she sounds terrible. ELIZABETH She is. AMY Well then. Scott, we should skedaddle. Those itineraries won't schedule themselves. Amy and Scott head off. Scott turns around. SCOTT Rain check on those drinks. ELIZABETH (TO HERSELF) You can bet on it. INT. DR. VOGEL'S OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - DAY Danni, the receptionist, uncrumples a BALL OF CRUMPLED CASH and counts it. Elizabeth taps her fingers impatiently. DANNI Almost done. We don't normally deal with cash here. At the doctor's office. Elizabeth slides the bonus check across the desk. ELIZABETH And this is endorsed. And the rest you can put on these. Elizabeth slides four credit cards across the desk. The MIDDLE-AGED DOCTOR from earlier walks by. DANNI (TO ELIZABETH) And when would you like to come in? ELIZABETH (TO DOCTOR) MIDDLE-AGED DOCTOR Hi. He goes into his office. Elizabeth turns back to Danni. DANNI And when would you like to come in? ELIZABETH Today. Tomorrow. As soon as possible. Danni checks her calendar. DANNI A week from tomorrow, then? ELIZABETH Book it. Danni slides Elizabeth a packet of literature. DANNI We have a 48 hour cancellation policy. Anything after that, you'll be charged 50% the cost of the surgery -- unless there are extenuating circumstances. ELIZABETH I wouldn't miss it for the world. Elizabeth pulls her shirt away from her body and looks down at her breasts. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) So long, suckers. EXT. J.A.M.S. - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAWN The lot is empty except for Elizabeth's car. INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - DAY Elizabeth enters and pulls latex gloves from her bag. She snaps them on. She takes a seat at Amy's desk and pulls an apple from her bag. Then she pulls out POISON IVY. She rubs the apple with the poison ivy leaves and then carefully places it in the center of the desk. Elizabeth smiles. INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - LATER Amy's class is seated. Amy enters and heads for her desk. She notices the apple and smiles at her class, touched. Thank you. The class stares back at her blankly. AMY (CONT'D) Who did this? No response from the class. AMY (CONT'D) Oh come on. Nobody wants an extra sticker on their all-star board? Amy presses the apple to her ear. AMY (CONT'D) (muppet voice, to apple) Who brought you to me? Amy places the apple up to her ear. AMY (CONT'D) (MUPPET VOICE) What's that, Mr. Apple? You want me to take a bite? Alrighty-roo. Amy takes a bite of the apple and then addresses the class. AMY (CONT'D) Enough horsin' around, let's get started. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY A LUXURY BUS idles curbside. Parents see off their kids. Scott and Elizabeth are checking kids in. Principal Snur walks up. PRINCIPAL SNUR All set? SCOTT I think we're good. PRINCIPAL SNUR Elizabeth, thanks again for hopping in last minute. You really saved us. ELIZABETH Is Amy going to be okay? PRINCIPAL SNUR She'll be fine. But to be honest, I think she was scaring some of the kids. ELIZABETH I bet, I bet. Well, let her know she's in my thoughts. ANGLE ON Amy watching from outside her car. One side of her face is completely blistered, scaly and red from the POISON IVY. The kids have every reason to be scared by her. She gets into her car and slams the door. AMY (banging on steering wheel) Fudge! Fudge! Fudge! Fuuuuuck--dge! INT. LUXURY BUS - DAY Kids sing BUS SONGS. Elizabeth and Scott sit up front. KIDS (SINGING) Hey, Sasha! Hey, Sasha! SASHA I think I hear it again! KIDS You're wanted on the telephone! SASHA (POINTING) If it's not Chase, then I'm not home! Chase rolls her eyes. Up front, Scott and Elizabeth sit next to one another and share ipod buds. ELIZABETH (nodding to the beat) You guys are amazing. Period 5 is definitely going to make it. Scott smiles wide. Garrett walks up the aisle. He looks at Elizabeth, then turns to Scott. GARRETT Mr. Delacourte, do you think we could go to the poetry museum? SCOTT Oh, um, I don't know, Champ, um -- Scott looks to Elizabeth, like "please help." ELIZABETH (to Garrett, supersweet) Oh, honey, I bet everyone would just love to walk around and look at all the poetry on the walls, but unfortunately, the itinerary's really tight. GARRETT Why are you talking like that? ELIZABETH Just go sit down, sweetie. Garrett gives her an annoyed look and then heads back to his seat. Scott smiles at Elizabeth. SCOTT Wow, you are such a natural. ELIZABETH When you love what you do, it comes easy. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - NIGHT A splotchy-faced Amy trudges down the hallway. She passes Elizabeth's room, stops, walks back to the door and peers in. She looks down the hallway -- it's empty. INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS Amy rifles through Elizabeth's desk. She opens the top drawer. Just pens and paper. She tries the bottom drawer. Locked. Shishkebabs! INT. EMPTY HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Amy drags ELIZABETH'S DESK across the hallway into her room. It's a slow, difficult and loud process. INT. EMPTY HALLWAY - LATER Amy, sweating, now drags HER OWN DESK across the.hallway into Elizabeth's room. She stops to catch her breath. CUT TO: 85. INT. AMY'S CLASSROOM - THE NEXT DAY Amy watches as the MAINTENANCE GUY sorts through his keys and tries to unlocks the desk. AMY (nervous, too loud) I never lose my keys! MAINTENANCE GUY What's wrong with your face? AMY What's wrong with your face?!?! MAINTENANCE GUY Just making conversation. He finds the right key and opens the desk. MAINTENANCE GUY (CONT'D) All set. AMY (buying it back) Super! Thanks a bunch, Amos! The Maintenance Man exits. Amy immediately opens the desk and rummages through it. She pulls out the "Annie" wig. AMY (CONT'D) Busted. She pulls out a test booklet. There's a piece ripped out from the front page. Amy's eyes narrow. She runs to the floor, where she has neat stacks of what used to be in her desk. She finds her test booklet and compares the two, clocking the I.S.A.T. address. AMY (CONT'D) Looks like somebody's in big, big trouble. EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY To establish. EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - SMITHSONIAN - DAY Elizabeth and Scott stand with the kids in the lobby area. 86. SCOTT Alright, guys, count-off. The students begin their count-off. STUDENT #1 1. SASHA 2! STUDENT #3 3. TRISTAN 69. He bumps knuckles with his friend. GARRETT 5. As the students continue counting off, we CUT TO: D.C. Montage: --Elizabeth and Scott walk with the kids through ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY. Elizabeth snaps her gum. --Elizabeth, Scott and the kids follow a TOUR GUIDE through the WHITE HOUSE. Elizabeth takes the gum from her mouth and looks for a place to toss it. She doesn't see a trash can and quickly sticks it to the bottom of an antique table. --Chase has Elizabeth take a "Charlie's Angels" posed picture of her and her minions. Elizabeth takes the picture before they're fully posed and hands the camera back. END MONTAGE. INT. ILLINOIS STANDARDIZED TEST OFFICES - DAY Amy, her face still covered in the rash, sits across from Carl Halabi, the administrator that Elizabeth roofied. Carl is staring at a photo of Elizabeth. CARL She changed her hair. Is Marjorie in some kind of trouble? 87. AMY I think you're the one that might be in some kind of trouble! Did you or did you not give her a copy of the state test? CARL What?! No! (THEN) All I did was give her a couple of quotes ,for her article and that's it. AMY What article? CARL For the Tribune. She's a reporter there. Right? Amy's eyes go wide. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Amy's car ZOOMS past the camera. INT. AMY'S CAR - DAY Amy's drives, her hands at 10 and 2. CLOSE ON the speedometer as the needle hovers between 55 and 56 mph. EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - JEFFERSON MEMORIAL - DAY The students take pictures. Garrett walks up to chase. GARRETT Hey, you want me to take your picture? CHASE No. GARRETT Alright, well let me know. I've got my camera and my battery's fully charged. She turns away. GARRETT (CONT'D) Awesome. ANGLE ON 88. .Scott, who stares up at the memorial and looks choked up. Elizabeth walks up behind him eating a fruit roll-up. ELIZABETH (OFFERING) Fruit roll-up? SCOTT (RE JEFFERSON) I'm so conflicted about this man. Did you know that he had slaves? Elizabeth tries to dislodge a piece of the fruit roll-up from the back of her mouth with her tongue. ELIZABETH Yeah, everyone knows that. SCOTT I just hate slavery so, so much. An unquestionable evil. I hate it. Elizabeth continues struggling with the fruit. ELIZABETH Slavery's the worst. SCOTT If I could go back in time and undo slavery, I would. Elizabeth gives him a sideways glance, like "no shit." ELIZABETH You really hate slavery, huh? SCOTT I hate it. Elizabeth finally dislodges the chunk of fruit roll-up. ELIZABETH (re fruit roll-up) Got it. SCOTT (staring straight ahead) You get it. Scott squeezes Elizabeth's shoulder. SCOTT (CONT'D) Thanks for listening. 89. ELIZABETH Hey, I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. Slavery, the Holocaust, relationships. Scott smiles. Elizabeth smiles. They lock eyes -- a moment. INT. PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - DAY Principal Snur squeezes a dolphin-shaped stress ball that chirps like a dolphin with every squeeze. Amy sits across from him, trying to contain her glee. PRINCIPAL SNUR (shaking his head) Test-tampering. Here? At J.A.M.S.? AMY And like I said, she stole the wig. I think we're dealing with a criminal master-mind. (BEAT) Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Wally. You know how much we all like her. PRINCIPAL SNUR I know. It's a tragedy. But Amy, let's keep this between us. The last thing we need is a scandal on our hands. AMY You betcha. (gets up to go, turns) You know what scares me the most? This is just what we know. This could be the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what else she's capable of? INT. RADISSON HOTEL - HALLWAY - NIGHT The CAMERA is tight on a hotel room door. The faint thumping of hotel sex can be heard. INT. RADISSON HOTEL - SCOTT'S ROOM - NIGHT Elizabeth and Scott are dry-humping, FULLY CLOTHED except for their shoes and socks. SCOTT Oh my gosh, your body feels so good. 90. ELIZABETH Harder, harder. Elizabeth tries pulling off her shirt. Scott pulls it back down. SCOTT Oh my gosh, I'm dry-humping the shit out of you. ELIZABETH Erg. Dry fuck the fuck out of me. SCOTT Oh my gosh, I'm so close... I'm... pfft. Ugh. Scott rolls off of Elizabeth and exhales deeply. There's a wet spot on his jeans. SCOTT (CONT'D) That was a mistake. ELIZABETH That was fast. SCOTT I know, I'm sorry. But this isn't me. And I. know this isn't you. I'm in love with Amy. ELIZABETH But we're so good together. We both hate slavery, we both love teaching. And call me crazy, but I always imagined us spending summers at your family's compound in Hyannisport. SCOTT I know. And you're awesome and you have a huge heart and I love your empathy. It's just, when I was dry-humping you, I couldn't stop thinking about dry-humping Any. ELIZABETH It's because of my tits, isn't it? Well, I'm getting new ones in, like, two days. Don't make a decision until you see them. SCOTT Elizabeth, I think you're beautiful just the way you are, even with your flat chest. And I think Amy's beautiful. But I just have to do what's right. I made Amy a promise. 91. Scott holds up his hand, showing off a PROMISE RING. ELIZABETH What're you -- 13? Elizabeth angrily gets up and pulls on her socks. SCOTT Wait, Elizabeth. Don't go. Spend the night here with me. You can sleep on the other bed. ELIZABETH (FAKE EXCITEMENT) Ooh, like a slumber party? I'm leaving. And for the record, your band sucks, asstard. Elizabeth opens the room door and exits. She tries slamming the door, but it's on a spring so it closes very, very slowly. EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - DAY The kids listen to a TOUR GUIDE on the steps of the memorial. Garrett sneaks furtive glances at Chase. Elizabeth stands away from the group, on her cell. ELIZABETH (ON PHONE) Wally. Why would I cheat? If I'm guilty of anything, it's teaching too hard. Great... I've got nothing to hide. She ends the call. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Fuck! Scott, wearing a Thomas Jefferson souvenir T-shirt, and all of the students look over at Elizabeth. ELIZABETH.(CONT'D) What?! The Tour Guide looks around uncertainly before continuing. TOUR GUIDE And does anyone know what Abraham Lincoln's nickname was? Sasha's hand shoots up. SASHA Honest Abe. 92. TOUR GUIDE "Honest Abe", that's right. Because Lincoln always said what was on his mind, even if that meant being unpopular. Abraham Lincoln always showed great courage. Garrett takes this in. He looks over at Chase and then, after a beat, raises his hand. TOUR GUIDE (CONT'D) Yes? GARRETT I love Chase Streeter-Rossi. All eyes turn to Garrett. Chase looks mortified. TOUR GUIDE Okay then. Any other questions? GARRETT (presses, turns to Chase) I love you, Chase. I've always loved you. And even though you pretty much stopped talking to me in fifth grade, I don't care. I remember the Chase that wrote me a card when my dad was overweight and had to go to the hospital because of his heart -- SASHA That was from the whole class. GARRETT Shut up, Sasha, I'm talking about a different card. (CONTINUING) And then, a year later, when he left my mom and moved in with his trainer, you wrote me another card. What happened to us? Remember when we had a sleepover in the second grade and you wet your bed and you were so embarrassed and you made me promise not to ever tell anyone. Well, I never did and I never will. I know we're really young, but remember Romeo and Juliet were only 13. A lot of people don't know that. So there it is. My heart on a sleeve. (goes into rhyming verse) Don't let me leave / Always believe / A beat. Chase stares at Garrett. 93. CHASE Gross. Chase's friends all start laughing. The rest of the class joins in. Garrett runs down the steps, away from everyone. SCOTT Alright, guys, let's settle down. The Tour Guide looks around, uncertain. TOUR GUIDE (POINTING) And these columns here are Doric columns. Now let's move inside to see the interior murals painted by Jules Guerin. The Tour Guide leads the group inside. Elizabeth looks back and sees Garrett on the steps, his head in his hands. She rolls her eyes and walks down to him. ELIZABETH Hey, Abe Lincoln, get up. Tour's not over. GARRETT (UPSET) She just laughed at me. Called me gross. ELIZABETH You'll get over it. Get up. GARRETT I'm not going back. Leave me alone! ELIZABETH Now. GARRETT No! Garrett runs off. ELIZABETH Hey, come back here you little -- Elizabeth starts running after him in heels. She immediately breaks a heel. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) MOTHER -- She breaks the other heel. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Fucker. EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY The students stand by their bus. Scott addresses them. SCOTT Who had a good time in D.C.? The students let out a cheer. SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D) Who ate too many french fries at lunch? The students let out another cheer. SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D) Alright, let's do our final count-off. STUDENT #1 SASHA STUDENT #3 TRISTAN A beat. STUDENT #6 6. STUDENT #7 7. ,SCOTT Wait, wait. Where's 5? Who's 5? Everyone looks around. SASHA I think it's Garrett Tiara. SCOTT Garrett! Garrett! Nothing. Scott looks around, stricken. SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D) And where's Ms. Halsey? Nothing. SCOTT (cont'd) (CONT'D) Alright, everyone on the bus! CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - STREET - LATER Elizabeth searches for Garrett. ELIZABETH Garrett! Garrett! Her cell phone RINGS. She checks the caller ID: "HOT SCOTT." She puts the phone back in her purse. INT. LUXURY BUS - LATER The kids are getting restless. A lot of singing. A lot of horsing around. KIDS (CHANTING) Let's go home! Let's go home! Scott sits up front by the driver. He's on his cell. SCOTT (FRANTIC ) I'm freaking out here. They've been missing over two hours. I'm just a substitute! (then, to kids) Shut up!!! The chanting immediately stops. INTERCUT WITH: INT. AMY'S APARTMENT - DAY Amy, the phone cradled to her ear, leans back on her couch. She's wearing splotches of calamine lotion over her rash and her hair is pulled back. A TURTLE plods across her kitchen table. 96. AMY (WHEELS SPINNING) Oh my gosh. We just might have a Mary Kay Letourneau situation on our hands. Amy scratches the turtle's neck as it continues across the table. SCOTT I don't know. You think? AMY I know. The woman's a criminal mastermind. SCOTT This is such a mess. AMY What I need from you is to focus and get our kids home safe. I'll take care of everything here. SCOTT Thanks, Amy. You're a lifesaver. AMY It's what I do. Love you, Scooter. She hangs up the phone and cockily kicks her feet onto the table, accidentally knocking the turtle to the floor. AMY (CONT'D) Oh boy. EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NIGHT We're no longer in the tourist areas. A STRAY DOG walks down the middle of the street. SIRENS WAIL. PROSTITUTES hail Johns with catcalls. Elizabeth, still in her broken heels, walks down the gritty street. - ELIZABETH (CALLING) Garrett! Garrett! Her phone RINGS. She checks the CALLER ID -- "HOT SCOTT." ELIZABETH (CONT'D) (ANSWERING PHONE) I'm looking for him! Stop fucking calling me! She powers her phone off and continues down the street. She passes two PROSTITUTES. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Hey, guys. Hi. I'm looking for a young kid, about 13. Really annoying, kind of a cry baby. Have you seen him? PROSTITUTE #1 Fuck you. ELIZABETH Fantastic. PROSTITUTE #2 You best step off, bitch, because this is my block. This here's Poetry's block. ELIZABETH Poetry? PROSTITUTE #1 Cause that's how she fuck. PROSTITUTE #2 I fuck like that. Lyrical. Something occurs to Elizabeth. She smiles. ELIZABETH Thank you, Poetry. And Poetry's friend. Elizabeth walks off and sticks out her hand, trying to hail a cab. She passes a bunch of HOMELESS MEN warming up by a trash can fire. HOMELESS MAN #1 Won't get a cab in this neighborhood. A CAR slows next to Elizabeth. A JOHN rolls down the passenger window and leans out. JOHN Hey, sweetheart. How much for a titty fuck? ELIZABETH I need a ride. JOHN Oh yeah, I need a ride, too. Right through those titties. ELIZABETH No, I need a ride. Like you driving, and me pointing mace at your face. I'll give you ten bucks. JOHN (A BEAT) This is weird. Twenty. Elizabeth hops in. CUT TO: EXT. J.A.M.S. - TEACHER'S PARKING LOT - NIGHT MIDNIGHT. PARENTS are waiting. A few console Garrett's mom, Melody. A few LOCAL NEWS VANS idle nearby. SPENCER'S MOM (TO MELODY) He's gonna be alright. The police will find him. I'm sure they're back at the hotel. Probably just a mix-up. The bus pulls up to the curb and stops. Scott steps off first, clearly confused by the crowd and TV cameras. Immediately, a reporter thrusts a mic into his face. REPORTER What can you. tell us about the alleged romance between Elizabeth Halsey and a 13 year old student? SCOTT (CONFUSED) What? The students step off and the Parents swarm them. PARENT #1 Oh baby, are you okay? Did she touch you? Sasha's parents engulf her in a hug. SASHA'S MOTHER Oh Sasha! (then, to Sasha's Dad) You expect this stuff to happen in Florida, not here. EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - OFFICE OF THE POET LAUREATE - NIGHT Garrett walks up to a drab building where he sees Elizabeth on the curb waiting for him. There's a tiny sign that reads "Office of the Poet Laureate." ELIZABETH It's closed. Won't be open till morning. Come on. Let's get back to the hotel. I'm sure everyone's mad at you. Garrett stands his ground. GARRETT I'm not leaving without talking to the poet laureate. ELIZABETH Do you think that some Shel Silverstein wannabe is going to tell you the meaning of life? GARRETT What do you care? ELIZABETH I'm here, right? GARRETT You have to be here. You're a teacher. ELIZABETH Not for long. I'm getting fired for cheating as soon as we get back. Garrett takes a seat next to Elizabeth. GARRETT So. you came looking for me on your own? ELIZABETH Yup. (holds up her shoes) And you owe me a new pair of Nanette Lepores. GARRETT I just want to know what to say to Chase to get her to like me. ELIZABETH You know what you should do? What? ELIZABETH Just go out and sleep with as many girls, as you possibly can. Get her out of your head. GARRETT They'll probably reject me, too. ELIZABETH Yeah, probably. But life's about how you deal with rejection. You can either hide in a corner and cry or you can get stronger every time. And I figure a kid like you with not much going for him -- if he were to choose the latter -- might end up becoming a pretty strong man. GARRETT (TOUCHED) Thanks. ELIZABETH Now come on, let's get out of here. I'm freezing and Mr. Delacourte's probably shitting a brick. GARRETT I can't go back there. All the kids will laugh at me. ELIZABETH You seriously think they haven't been laughing already? GARRETT Maybe Chase is wondering where I am. ELIZABETH Hate to break it to you, kid, but I don't think anyone gives two shits where we are. INT. PRINCIPAL SNUR'S OFFICE - NIGHT Principal.Snur sits across from Garrett's mother, Melody, who is beside herself. She is wearing a beret. A DETECTIVE and Amy are standing behind the desk. Principal Snur passes her a dolphin-shaped tissue box. DETECTIVE What else can you tell us about Garrett and Ms. Halsey's relationship? MELODY It was strictly student/teacher. Garrett's a gifted poet and Ms. Halsey was trying to bring that out of him. Amy snorts. DETECTIVE Did they ever spend time outside of the classroom? MELODY Aside from Christmas at our house? Absolutely not. The Detective glances at the Principal, like "Oh boy." AMY She used to give all the guys that look. That sex look. You know -- Amy gives her version of a sexy look to the Detective. AMY (CONT'D) She's a monster. DETECTIVE Mrs. Tiara, I think we might need to consider the possibility that Elizabeth Halsey has abducted your son and that the two of them are involved in a sexual relationship. MELODY (INCONSOLABLE) Marbles doesn't even have armpit hair! DETECTIVE (quietly, to Principal Snur) We should send out an Amber Alert. We need to catch this Sicko. TV NEWS FOOTAGE A REPORTER talks to camera on the steps of J.A.M.S. Other NEWS CREWS are in the bg. 102. REPORTER A school official close to the scandal confirms that in addition to her alleged sexual relationship with the unnamed seventh grader, Elizabeth Halsey has been investigated for possible drug use, standardized testing fraud, and the theft of an "Annie" wig from a school production. The TV Report flashes an unflattering photo of ELIZABETH with a BLURRED OUT GARRETT. In front of the school, the Reporter turns to Principal Snur. REPORTER (CONT'D) Can you comment on any of these allegations? PRINCIPAL SNUR The superintendent will speak to the press shortly, but for now, I'd just like to say that I hope Ms. Halsey does the right thing and brings back our student. INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - TRAIN STATION - NIGHT Elizabeth buys two tickets. Garrett hovers beside her. ELIZABETH (TO GARRETT) You're paying me back for this. EXT. TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT Elizabeth's ex-fiance, mark, stands with Sheila and talks to a REPORTER. MARK Am I shocked? Mark starts laughing. SHEILA She was always very cold to me. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT Chase is crying as she speaks to a DIFFERENT REPORTER. 103. CHASE (wiping away tears) Garrett sat diagonal from me in language arts. He was always so supportive of my modelling career. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT Lynn stands with a DIFFERENT REPORTER. LYNN (TEARY) She's my best friend. She tells me everything. We have lunch together! JUMP CUT TO: EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT Tristan stands with a DIFFERENT REPORTER. TRISTAN I've been telling him to hit that all year. That's my boy! EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - NIGHT Amy talks to a DIFFERENT REPORTER. AMY (holding a candle) "No child left behind." How ironic. That a child was left behind. In Washington, D.C. With a statutory rapist. JUMP CUT TO: INT. AMTRAK TRAIN NIGHT Elizabeth and Garrett are seated next to one another on the darkened train. Garrett's asleep against the window, Elizabeth is reading "In Style" with the overhead light. Garrett stirs, rolls the other way and gently places his head on Elizabeth's shoulder. She looks at him and then shrugs her shoulder to get him off. His head falls back on. She leaves it. 104. I/E. TAXI - NIGHT Elizabeth is asleep on Garrett's shoulder. Garrett is pressed against the window, clearly uncomfortable. The Taxi turns a corner and Garrett notices something. GARRETT Hey, there's a bunch of people outside of my house. Elizabeth wakes up and looks up to see: A CANDLELIGHT VIGIL, including Amy, Scott, Melody, and many. of Garrett's classmates; a SEA OF TV CAMERAS; and TWO POLICE CARS. ELIZABETH What the fuck? (then, to Garrett) Did you steal something? The taxi pulls up to the curb and Elizabeth and Garrett .exit. CHAOS. They're immediately swarmed by everyone. The Cops struggle to push past. MELODY (BESIDE HERSELF) Marbles!!! The reporters thrust mics in her face. REPORTER #1 REPORTER #2 How long have you been Why did you steal the sleeping together? "Annie" wig?! ELIZABETH , Just the once on the train. What?! The Cops get through and smother Garrett in a police blanket. A FEMALE COP roughly leads Elizabeth to one of the squad cars. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) This is crazy! He's a kid. Elizabeth is put into the back of squad car. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) I'm a good person! I don't fuck minors! Elizabeth bangs on the window. Amy smiles and waves. CUT TO: INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT A Sergeant is leading Elizabeth to a phone. SERGEANT You're quite the celebrity. ELIZABETH You want an autograph? SERGEANT You get one call. Elizabeth picks up the phone. The Sergeant gives her some space. ELIZABETH (INTO PHONE) Hi, this is Elizabeth Halsey calling. I'm calling to cancel my surgery for tomorrow. Extenuating circumstances. Please, please don't make me lose my deposit. Elizabeth slams down the receiver. SERGEANT If you need medical attention, we're required to provide it. ELIZABETH Just take me back to my cell. INT. J.A.M.S. - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY Silence. Elizabeth and her roommate, Kirk, who's now dressed in an ill-fitting suit and has his hair combed, sit across from Principal Snur and the SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT, a no- nonsense woman in her 60s. PRINCIPAL SNUR Again, speaking on behalf of the whole administration, I just want to apologize for what happened. Clearly, there was a miscommunication. ELIZABETH Oh, you think? Kirk puts his hand up to Elizabeth, like "I'll take care of this." 106. KIRK My client has been an upstanding member of society her entire life. She has spent time as an educator, she has VOLUNTEERED -- ELIZABETH More than once! KIRK And she has touched the lives of those around her -- until last night. Elizabeth pulls Kirk into a lawyer/client huddle. ELIZABETH (WHISPERS) You kind of sound like a pro. KIRK (WHISPERS) Do you think they're going to find out that I didn't pass the bar? ELIZABETH (WHISPERS) You're doing great. They break from their huddle. KIRK Your administration jumped to conclusions, set off a media fire-storm and has humiliated one of its own. As Ms. .Halsey's chief counsel, I've advised her that we have an extremely strong case of libel and that it's certainly within her province to sue the district. SUPERINTENDENT How do we make this go away? KIRK Ms. Halsey is not a litigious woman. She wants this whole matter to go away as quickly and painlessly as possible. Kirk slides a piece of paper across the desk. KIRK (CONT'D) This is a list of our demands. The Superintendent and Principal Snur scan the list. SUPERINTENDENT You're kidding me. ELIZABETH Don't answer right now. Let it marinate. Oh, and I should mention that if this goes to trial, I can cry on cue. Elizabeth starts crying. Everybody looks at her, aghast. And as quickly she started, she stops. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Now, if you'll all excuse me, I should be heading to fifth period. I hate to be tardy. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY Elizabeth heads down the empty hallway. From the auditorium, the faint sound of "Tomorrow, Tomorrow" from "Annie" can be heard. Amy steps out of the auditorium, humming along to the song. She notices Elizabeth coming to her. Amy debates her options. AMY Elizabeth! I was so worried. You gave us quite a scare, you did. Elizabeth doesn't acknowledge her and continues walking toward Amy, only feet away now. AMY (CONT'D) (attempting some levity) Somebody's being a grumple-- BAM! Elizabeth punches Amy square in the nose. Amy drops to her knees and grabs her nose, now squirting blood. AMY (CONT'D) Elizabeth keeps walking and turns a corner. A BELL RINGS and the hallway starts filling with STUDENTS. PRINCIPAL SNUR (V.0.) Well, it's been another great year at JAMS... 108. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - GYM - DAY QUICK CUTS. The year is winding down. Instead of gym, kids are using the time to sign each other's yearbooks. Chase walks up to Garrett with her yearbook, asks him to sign it. PRINCIPAL SNUR (V.0.) Who can forget the exciting addition of a climbing wall to the small gym... INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY QUICK CUTS. It's class photo day. With each FLASH, we SEE a different TEACHER with a different CLASS. And finally AMY, with a bandage over her nose and two black eyes, smiles widely alongside her CLASS. PRINCIPAL SNUR (V.0.) .Or the student/teacher spelling bee. INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER'S LOUNGE - DAY Much like the first scene of the movie. The teachers are sipping plastic flutes of Champagne. Principal Snur is up front. Elizabeth lingers in the back. PRINCIPAL SNUR I think that was a huge s-u-c-c-a-s-s. Polite laughter. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) But seriously... With summer around the corner, it's time to not only say goodbye to another school year, but to also say goodbye to one of our own. Elizabeth smiles. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) Amy Squirrel. Amy, her face completely healed, steps forward, with a pursed smile. PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) After six short years of outstanding, tireless work here, Amy is transferring out of the district. (MORE) PRINCIPAL SNUR (CONT'D) I know she'll bring her love for learning to her new students. Sandy, the ponytailed teacher, pipes up. SANDY Speech! Speech! AMY Although leaving was a difficult choice... Amy looks over to Elizabeth, who motions for her to continue. AMY (CONT'D) When the superintendent personally asks you to work at one of the worst schools in the state, you say yes. I'm looking forward to bringing my brand of zany energy and lust -- not love, lust -- for learning to the underprivileged students at Malcolm X High. I welcome the challenge. The Teachers applaud, Scott the most enthusiastic. Elizabeth steps up to Amy, who flinches. ELIZABETH Here, I got you this. Elizabeth hands Amy a poster tube. She.opens it and unravels the "Integrity" poster that Elizabeth stole. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) And good luck. Somebody's gonna need it. Elizabeth heads for the door. Scott catches up to her. SCOTT Hey, Stranger. (then, whispers) Listen, now that Amy's transferring, maybe the two of us could go grab a drink. ELIZABETH SCOTT Elizabeth walks out. CUT TO: CHYRON: THREE MONTHS LATER EXT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - TEACHER PARKING LOT - DAY Elizabeth's 1994 Grand-Am pulls into her spot. And as her bare leg steps out of the car, we INT. JOHN ADAMS MIDDLE SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY The hallway is empty. We FOLLOW Elizabeth from behind, and as she reaches for the door to her class, we INT. ELIZABETH'S CLASSROOM - DAY Quick cuts. From behind, we see Elizabeth place an APPLE on each desk, just as Amy did earlier. Elizabeth's walls are still bare, except for a framed photo of Amy's class picture, with Amy's messed up face, from the year before. The bell RINGS. Elizabeth turns and we now SEE that she has TASTEFUL FAKE BREASTS. Elizabeth walks to her door and opens it, watching the students as they reconnect with friends and share stories about summer camp. She notices Sasha who is MASSAGING a BOY's shoulders. bunch of other EIGHTH GRADE BOYS wait their turn. EIGHTH GRADE BOY Do me! Do me! Sasha clearly enjoys the attention. Elizabeth smiles. Garrett walks by, hand in hand with Chase. Trailing both of them are identical rolling backpacks. He sees Elizabeth and runs over. ELIZABETH You and Chase, huh? She likes the poetry? GARRETT She likes that I'm kind of a celebrity. But I'm cool with it. I'm the man around here! ELIZABETH Easy. GARRETT Well, I should get going. See you around, Ms. Halsey. Oh, and nice... He points at her breasts. ELIZABETH (TOUCHED) Thanks! You're the first student to notice. Garrett smiles and walks off. Lynn walks by. She's cleaning another big stain from her shirt. LYNN Elizabeth, hey! How was your summer? ELIZABETH It was great. I met a doctor! Plastic surgeon, actually. He's amazing. LYNN He sounds amazing. How'd you meet him? The internet? ELIZABETH No, in recovery. And I looked like ass, so I know it's real. LYNN Sounds like a fairy tale. ELIZABETH It is. Storybook. Well, not total storybook. It's a little messy because his wife filed for divorce last week, but we're gonna get through that. (THEN) So you want to grab lunch later? LYNN Sure! My treat. ELIZABETH No, you got it last time. We'll split it.