Beavis and Butt-head Do America
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America - by Mike Judge and Joe Stillman




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 "BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA"
 
    by
 
    Mike Judge and Joe Stillman
 
 
 
 
        The movie begins with scenes of people screaming in horror 
    and running down the streets of a big city. The ground shakes from 
    what seems like giant footsteps. There are pieces of building 
    debris falling everywhere, people getting crushed, power lines 
    coming down, etc. - complete pandemonium. It all looks very much 
    like a Japanese animated King-Kong or Godzilla movie. We hear the 
    footsteps getting closer and the ground shaking becomes more 
    intense - more debris falling. Then we see a HUGE BLACK TENNIS 
    SHOE come into frame and smash a National Guard truck. As we pan 
    up, we see the white socks, then the red shorts, the AC/DC T-
    shirt, then we hear the familiar, "Huh huh huh." - only it's a 
    huge sound...this is a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT TALL BUTT-HEAD. "Butt-
    Kong" continues his path of destruction - stomping on cars and 
    buildings and saying, "This is cool. Huh huh huh."
        Airplanes and tanks start firing at Butt-Head (Butt-Kong). 
    He looks irritated and says, "Cut it out butt-munch!" Butt-Head 
    swats at the planes, sending them crashing to the ground and 
    stomps on the tanks. Then, something catches his eye. Butt-Head 
    reaches into a skyscraper and picks up a nice looking woman - a 
    lot like the one from the King Kong movie. He looks down at her in 
    his hand and goes wide-eyed, "Whoa! Huh huh huh." The woman 
    screams in terror as Butt-Head looks down at her and tries a few 
    lame pick up lines. "Uuuuh...Hey baby. I'm like, pretty tall. Huh 
    huh huh." He swats down a helicopter that is circling his head, 
    "Dammit, I'm trying to score!" The helicopter goes down in flames. 
    We CUT TO some guys sitting on a tank firing at him. They notice 
    giant footsteps coming from the other direction and turn the tank 
    around. Through their binoculars we see a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT 
    BEAVIS coming from the horizon. The giant Beavis is even more 
    destructive than Butt-Kong (maybe he could be breathing fire). 
    Beavis starts trying to pick up on Butt-Head's woman. Butt-Head 
    puts the woman down and he and Beavis begin to go at it, leveling 
    the city with one of their stupid juvenile smack-fights.
        We CROSS-DISSOLVE from three-hundred foot Beavis shaking 
    Butt-Kong to Butt-Head asleep on the couch with Beavis shaking 
    him.
 
 
 INT.  B&B'S HOME - DAY
 
 
                 BEAVIS (O.C.)
            Butt-Head! Butt-Head! Hey, Butt-Head!
 
    Butt-Head is dead asleep on the couch. Beavis shakes him.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Butt-Head, wake up, wake up!
 
    Butt-Head comes around.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score.
            Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, but check it out. It's gone!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            What's gone?
 
                 BEAVIS
            The TV.
 
    Beavis is making STRANGE NOISES, in a state of shock.
 
    Butt-Head rubs his eyes and looks at the empty space where the TV 
    was.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uuuuuuh, huh huh. Uuh,...
 
    Out the window, we see two YOUNG MEN carrying B&B's TV into their 
    van.
 
    Still on the couch, Butt-Head looks over at the broken window. We 
    see a CROWBAR lying on the floor, and the front door left open.
 
    Butt-Head looks at the BROKEN WINDOW, at the CROWBAR, the OPEN 
    DOOR, then back at the EMPTY SPACE where the TV was. He does this 
    a couple of times - piecing it all together.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            Whoa! I think I just figured something
            out Beavis.
 
                 BEAVIS
            What?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This sucks.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh.
 
    Beavis is still in shock. They both stare at the empty space where 
    the TV was for a beat, not quite sure what to do.
 
    Beavis is SHAKING AND MAKING WEIRD NOISES. He presses buttons on 
    the remote a few times, as if it might help somehow.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This sucks more than anything that
            has ever sucked before. We must find
            this butt-hole that took the TV.
 
 
 EXT.  CITY STREET - NIGHT
 
    Bad neighborhood. 70's music blares.
 
    A fast driving car drives right at us and stops. Punks run in 
    fear. Beavis hops out of the driver's seat, wearing bell-bottoms, 
    chain jewelry and a 70's afro. Into a dramatic CLOSE-UP, he takes 
    off his glasses.
 
 FREEZE ON BEAVIS
 
                 ANNOUNCER
            Beavis!
 
    FRAME UNFREEZES. Beavis whips out a huge gun.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Freeze, butt-wipe!
 
    An attacker comes from one side. Beavis uses Judo. Another tosses 
    a knife. Beavis ducks, then shoots with two hands, police style.
 
 
 INT.  BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
    Swinger's pad. Totally 70's. A group of bikini'd girls on a 
    waterbed. Butt-Head approaches them. He wears a leisure suit, 
    collar way open. He plops down in the bed.
 
 FREEZE ON BUTT-HEAD
 
                 ANNOUNCER
            Butt-Head!
 
    FRAME UNFREEZES. The girls wrap their arms around him.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. Come to Butt-Head, baby.
 
                 ANNOUNCER
            Star in...
 
 
 MAIN TITLE - FULL FRAME
 
 
 EXT.  CITY STREETS - DAY/NIGHT
 
    ACTION MONTAGE BEGINS. Styled like a 70's cop show opening.
 
    OPENING CREDITS to the movie appear just as cop show credits 
    would.
 
    Beavis does a Starsky and Hutch-style roll with a gun.
 
    Butt-Head slaps a pimp.
 
    Beavis drives, chasing a car.
 
    Butt-Head is slapped by a girl.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
    Beavis and Butt-Head are in a warehouse shoot-out.
 
    A black police chief rises from a desk to yell at B&B.
 
    B&B dive for cover just before a building explodes.
 
    In CLOSE-UP, Beavis smiles for an ID shot.
 
    Butt-Head does the same.
 
    Beavis, in a rooftop fight, kicks his opponent over the edge.
 
    A beautiful woman, back to us, takes off her dress for Butt-Head. 
    FINAL OPENING CREDIT APPEARS. Butt-Head and the woman fall into 
    bed. Suddenly...
 
 
 INT.  SCHOOL HALLWAY/DOOR TO A.V. ROOM - DAY
 
    From inside, SOUND of equipment crashing.
 
    B&B come out wheeling a TV on one of those carts. There are cables 
    attached to it still leading back into the A.V. room. As they push 
    the cart we hear more equipment falling.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Dammit, it's stuck.
 
    They give it one big push and it finally breaks free. We see that 
    the cables are tangled with cables from other TVs and VCRs, which 
    all come crashing to the ground.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            Huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. Let's just wheel this
            thing back to the house.
 
 
 INT.  SCHOOL/ANOTHER HALLWAY - DAY
 
    MR. VAN DRIESSEN stops B&B.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            Ah, excuse me boys. What's going on
            here?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, someone stole our TV.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.
            Get outta the way. Heh heh.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school.
            Mmmkay? You know, this could be a positive
            experience for you guys. There's a
            wonderful world out there when we discover
            we don't need TV to entertain us.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. He said "anus."
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (to himself)
            Entert-ain...us...an-us...Oh yeah! Heh 
            heh. Anus. Heh heh.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
                    (frustrated)
            Have you guys heard a word I've said?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Yeah, "anus." Huh huh huh huh.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            Look, guys, just take the TV back to the
            A.V. room right now. And try to be a little
            more open-minded. Mmkay?
 
    Van Driessen leaves. B&B continue to wheel the cart home.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            What a dork. Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. He's a anus. Heh heh.
 
 
 EXT.  SCHOOL/STAIRWAY - DAY
 
    B&B arrive with the cart at the top of a stairway. They lamely 
    attempt to let it slowly down the steps. The cart is too top-heavy 
    and goes tumbling to the bottom of the stairs, shattering the TV.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
                 BEAVIS
            No it wasn't!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh,...Oh yeah.
 
    B&B stand at the top of the stairs looking down at the wrreckage. 
    PRINCIPAL McVICKER shows up by the TV.
 
                    McVICKER
            Why.... You... You bastards... Ge...
            get out! You're suspended. One more
            screw up... and you're expelled.
 
    B&B walk off laughing.
 
 
 EXT.  THE ANDERSON'S DRIVEWAY - DUSK
 
    B&B walk up. There's a camper in the driveway.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Whoa, check it out Beavis. I didn't
            know Anderson had a Camper.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. Maybe it has a TV.
            Heh heh. TV.
 
    B&B walk up to the camper and start to open the door just as MARCY 
    ANDERSON opens it. (As usual, she doesn't recognize them.)
 
                 MARCY
            Oh, hello. Are you guys here to look
            at the refrigerator?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, no.
 
                 BEAVIS
            We're here to look at the TV. Heh heh.
 
                 MARCY
            Oh, I didn't realize it was broken.
            Come on in.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool. Huh huh huh.
 
    B&B walk into the camper. Marcy stays outside.
 
 
 EXT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - SAME TIME
 
    Tom is adjusting the trailer-hitch. Marcy watches.
 
                 TOM
            Well that oughtta hold her. Ya know,
            the most important thing you can have
            on a camper is a good propane regulator,
            and this here's the best one they make.
 
                 MARCY
            I sure hope we can get the 'fridge fixed
            before we leave.
 
                 TOM
            Now Marcy, we've been savin' for this trip
            our whole lives and we're gonna go come
            Hell or high water...
 
    Through the camper walls, we hear the faint sound of B&B 
 AIR/MOUTH-GUITARING "IRON MAN."
 
                 TOM (CONT.)
            What the hell is that noise?
 
 
 INT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK
 
    B&B watch a "Cops"-type show. Beavis gets up, goes to the 
    refrigerator and grabs a soda. The refrigerator is under the 
    counter on which the TV is sitting.
 
    Beavis takes a sip and then does a SPIT TAKE, SPRAYING SODA ALL 
 OVER THE TOP OF THE TV.
 
                 BEAVIS
            AAAAAAGH!!! This crap is warm!
 
    ANGLE ON TV: The soda Beavis spit out drips into the inside of the 
    TV. We see smoke and hear SIZZLING AND SHORT CIRCUIT SFX. The TV 
    goes dead.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Beavis, you butt-hole! You broke it.
 
 
 EXT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK
 
    B&B come out. Tom notices them.     
 
                 TOM
            Hey, what's goin' on here?
 
                 MARCY
            They're here to fix the TV, Tom.
 
                 TOM
            The TV ain't broken.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Yeah it is. Huh huh huh.
 
    Tom adjusts his glasses as he looks at B&B.
 
    TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see B&B out of focus.
 
                 TOM
            Hey wait a minute. You two look kinda
            familiar. Ain't you them kids that've
            been whackin' off in my tool shed?
 
                 BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    ANGLE ON BEAVIS: looking particularly guilty, eyes shifting back 
    and forth.
 
    B&B walk off, leaving Tom wondering.
 
 
 EXT.  STREET IN A SEEDY PART OF TOWN - JUST BEFORE DAWN
 
    B&B are having TV withdrawal. Butt-Head is bug-eyed. Beavis has 
    the shakes bad, arms folded like Dustin Hoffman in "Midnight 
    Cowboy."
 
                 BEAVIS
            Nnnnooo. Oooooh nooooo.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            What's your problem Beavis?
 
                 BEAVIS
            I need TV now! Now! NNNNDAMMIT!!!
 
    Butt-Head stops short. He looks up. His face is bathed in a 
    golden, throbbing light.
 
    BUTT-HEAD'S P.O.V.: We see a flashing neon sign that says, "TV". 
    Pull back to show B&B are standing outside the Elite Motel Lodge, 
    featuring "Color TV" and "Air-Cooled Rooms", with "Special Nap 
    Rates."
 
    B&B stare up, as if at a god.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (crazed)
            Heh heh. TV. Heh Teee Veee.
 
 
 EXT.  MOTEL COURT - CONTINUOUS
 
    Butt-Head tries the first door. It's locked. He tries the second 
    door. It's locked. He tries the third door. It opens.
 
    B&B's eyes bulge. Inside, PRINCIPAL McVICKER is lying across the 
    legs of an obvious prostitute, his pants pulled down. She SPANKS 
    him.
 
                    McVICKER
            Please mmm... may I have another?!
 
    B&B LAUGH. McVicker hears and looks up.
 
                    McVICKER (CONT.)
            Beavis and Butt-Head! Y...y...you
            bastards.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Can we watch your TV?
 
                    McVICKER
            Y... Y... You're expelled! Get out!
 
    Butt-Head closes the door, laughing, and starts to walk towards 
    the next door. The muffled sound of a SPANK can be heard followed 
    by McVicker asking for another.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Dammit! I need a TV now! We're missing
            everything!
 
 
 INT.  MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
    The only light in the room is a flickering TV. Sitting on the bed, 
    talking on the phone is MUDDY. He's a tough, mean looking red-neck 
    - a Jack Ruby type.
 
    On the nightstand next to him is a three-quarter drunk bottle of 
    bourbon and a manila envelope. On his lap is a big gun.
 
                 MUDDY
            ...Are you sure these guys can pull this
            off? It's gotta look like an accident...
 
    We hear a knock on the door and muffled B&B laughs.
 
                 MUDDY (CONT.)
            Hold on a minute. That must be them now.
            I'll call you back. (Hangs up phone)...
            Come in!
 
    B&B walk in. Muddy turns on the light.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (sounding suddenly sedated)
            Aaaah. TeeeVeeeee, heh heh.
 
                 MUDDY
            Yer late.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Why? Did we miss American Gladiators?
 
    MUDDY'S P.O.V.: B&B are a drunken blur.
 
                 MUDDY
            Well, Earl said you guys were young, but
            jeez... Oh well, as long as you can get
            the job done. So what are your names?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, Butt-Head.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Beavis.
 
                 MUDDY
            That's alright. I'd rather not know your
            real names anyways. I'm Muddy. Look, I'm
            gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you
            ten grand plus expenses, all payable after
            you do her...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (full of innuendo)
            Do her? Huh huh.
 
                 MUDDY
            That's right. I'm offering you ten grand
            plus expenses to do my wife. We gotta deal?
 
    Butt-Head stares in shock.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Actually, we just wanna watch TV...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Shut up Beavis! Uh, yeah. We'll do your
            wife.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (trembling)
            Nnnnaah...We need to watch TV DAMMIT!!!
 
    Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis and pulls him aside.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Beavis, you butt-munch, this guy wants us
            to score with his wife. And he's gonna pay
            us. We can buy a new TV.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Oh, heh heh really? Cool. Heh heh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (to Muddy)
            Uh, huh huh... We'll do it, sir.
 
                 MUDDY
            Okay, then let's get down to business.
 
    ANGLE ON THE BED. Muddy slaps down a picture of DALLAS, his wife. 
    Leather clad, biker, beautiful.
 
                 MUDDY (CONT.)
            Here she is. Her name's Dallas. She ain't
            as sweet as she looks. She stole everything
            from me. Ya gotta watch out, 'cause she'll
            do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Whoa, huh huh. Cool.
 
    Muddy plunks down PLANE TICKETS.
 
                 MUDDY
            She's holed up in a hotel room in Las
            Veags. Your flight leaves in a couple of
            hours. Now c'mon, I'll drive you to the
            airport.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Holed up. Huh huh huh. Holed.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Can we watch some TV first?
 
    Muddy picks up the gun and SHOOTS the TV.
 
                 MUDDY
            No.
 
 
 EXT.  CITY STREETS - MORNING
 
    Muddy driving his loud four-by-four like a maniac, drunk with 
    bloodshot eyes. B&B are in the back seat. He eyes them through the 
    rearview. Meanwhile, a cat bounces off the windshield with a 
 SHRIEK.
 
                 MUDDY
            One more thing. Mah wife's got this
            leather satchel. It's black, about this
            big. I need ya to bring it back. It's
            real important. Sentimental value... Any
            questions so far?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, yeah. Does she have big hooters?
 
                 MUDDY
            She sure does.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This is gonna be cool! Huh huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. Boooooiiiing!!!
 
                 MUDDY
            Just make sure it looks like an 
            accident...
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (spastic)
            Yeah, heh heh. I think I just had an
            accident. Heh heh hmm heh hmm heh.
 
                 MUDDY
            Huh huh. You guys are funny. Let's have
            a drink on it.
 
    Muddy swigs the last swallow from his bottle of bourbon.
 
 
 EXT.  AIRPORT - EARLY MORNING
 
    In an overhead view, the four-by-four screeches up to the gate, 
    fishtails to a stop, throwing B&B onto the sidewalk, and peels 
    away.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            We're gonna get paid to score.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh, and then we're gonna
            get a big-screen TV! Heh heh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Beavis, this is the greatest day of
            our lives. Huh huh huh.
 
 
 INT.  AIRPLANE - DAY
 
    B&B enter the plane. They sit down in the first two seats on the 
    right - in First Class. A flight attendant, DOLORIS approaches 
    them.
 
                 DOLORIS
            Hi. Can I help you find your seats?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uuh, nah. These seats are OK.
 
                 DOLORIS
            I think your tickets have you seated
            in row fourteen, coach. So why don't
            you just go ahead and move back, OK?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            That's OK. Someone else can have those.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, it's not that important to me,
            really. Those seats are too small anyways.
 
    Doloris yanks them out of their seats and leads them down the 
    aisle.
 
    ANGLE DOWN AISLE in coach. Doloris stops by a row where an elderly 
    woman, MARTHA, sits by the window. Next to her: Two empty seats.
 
                 DOLORIS
            Here you are.
 
    She gestures to the seats and leaves. Beavis climbs in the middle, 
    Butt-Head in the aisle - still watching Doloris.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Hey Beavis. When she was leading us down
            here, huh huh, she touched my butt. Huh
            huh huh.
 
    Martha, her senses a bit dimmed from age, turns to B&B.
 
                 MARTHA
            Hello there. Are you two heading for Las
            Vegas?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, we're gonna score.
 
                 MARTHA
            I hope to score big there myself. I'm
            mostly going to be doing the slots.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, I'm hoping to do some sluts too. 
            Heh heh. Do they have lots of sluts in
            Las Vegas?
 
                 MARTHA
            Oh, there are so many slots you won't
            know where to begin.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Whoa! heh heh. Hey Butt-Head, this chick
            is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be
            tons of sluts in Las Vegas! Heh heh heh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool. Huh huh huh.
 
                 MARTHA
            It's so nice to meet young men who are so
            well mannered.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. I'm gonna have money, and a
            big-screen TV and sluts everywhere!
 
                 MARTHA
            Oh, that's nice.
 
                 CAPTAIN'S VOICE (V.O.)
                    (through P.A.)
            Good morning. This is your captain
            speaking. Welcome aboard flight 151
            non-stop to Las Vegas. We ask that you
            turn your attention to the front of the
            cabin for pre-flight safety instructions.
 
    B&B see Doloris, stepping nearby to demonstrate the seat belt.
 
                 ATTENDANT'S VOICE
            To fasten your seat belt, insert the free
            end into the coupling.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Insert. Huh huh huh.
 
    Doloris demonstrates. B&B are dumbfounded. It's too complicated.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            Uh...
 
    They struggle to make their seat belts fit, getting each other's 
    parts.
 
                 TAMMY (O.C.)
            Hi, I'm Tammy? Can I help you with that?
 
    Butt-Head looks up.
 
    From his P.O.V. we see a beautiful woman, TAMMY, smiling, her 
    hands reaching down. FALLING IN LOVE/HARP MUSIC STING plays.
 
    CLOSE on Butt-Head's lap as two female hands reach down and pull 
    one strap from between Butt-Head's legs.
 
    Butt-Head looks down at his lap as Tammy leans over him. A loud 
    CLICKING can be heard. Butt-Head stares blankly.
 
                 TAMMY (CONT.)
            There you go. You're all set.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (stunned)
            I love you.
 
    Suddenly Martha buckles Beavis' belt. Tammy goes.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Wait, I wanted her to do it.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. Soon, she will be mine.
 
                 CAPTAIN'S VOICE
            Flight attendants, please prepare for
            take-off.
 
    The engines start to hum. The plane is rolling.
 
    Butt-Head struggles to get his seat belt off. He does everything 
    but pull the handle. Beavis goes white with fear.
 
    The plane starts to shake. The engines rumble. Beavis starts to 
    freak.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey wait a minute. What's going on?!
 
    Butt-Head bangs away at his seat belt. Beavis looks out the window 
    and realizes they're in the air.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
                    (screams)
            Aaaagh! We're gonna die!!!!!
 
 ANGLE ON COUPLE IN FRONT OF B&B:
 
                 MAN
            D'ya hear that? Something must be wrong!
 
                 WOMAN
            Oh my God!!!!!!!
 
    ANGLE ON CABIN, people start screaming. The plane quakes, lifting 
    up.
 
    ON BUTT-HEAD, furiously pulling:
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Dammit! Huh huh. That chick wants me.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Aggghg! We're gonna die! We're all
            gonna die!
 
    The plane arcs upward. Butt-Head finally gets the belt off as the 
    plane is in full thrust. He rises and goes tumbling backward down 
    the aisle.
 
    ON PEOPLE seeing Butt-Head flying, screaming in panic.
 
    In free fall:
 
    Butt-Head grabs the door to the hangable luggage. It all comes 
    tearing out.
 
    Butt-Head flies up, hitting several overhead luggage racks, which 
    open and spill their contents.
 
    Butt-Head lands in the galley, causing food to go flying and 
    coffee to pour freely.
 
    ON THE CABIN as the plane starts to level out. People stop their 
    screaming.
 
    ON BUTT-HEAD, underneath the rubble, poking his head out. He's 
    directly across from the flight attendant station where Tammy is 
    strapped in.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh... could you, like, do that
            thing with my belt again?
 
 
 INT.  PLANE - LATER
 
    All's in order. Flight attendants roll the beverage cart up the 
    aisle. People read, relaxed.
 
    ON BEAVIS AND MARTHA. Martha is showing pictures of her 
    grandchildren. Beavis is showing the picture of Dallas that Muddy 
    gave him.
 
                 BEAVIS
            I'm probably going to make out with her
            first before we, you know, get down...
 
                 MARTHA
            You'll have to speak up son. I have this
            ringing in my ears. My doctor says it
            could be related to my heart
            palpitations. I've had two operations on
            my heart.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Really? I poop too much.
 
                 MARTHA
            Oh, maybe you're lactose intolerant.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Uh... No, (louder) I poop too much. Then
            I get tired.
 
                 MARTHA
            Well, if you find yourself getting tired,
            take a couple of these.
 
    She hands him a box of NoDrowz.
 
                 MARTHA (CONT.)
            They perk me right up.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh, thanks.
 
    He pours the contents into his hand and chews them like candy. 
    Then his eyes open wide.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
                    (strange)
            Uh, tastes like crap. Heh heh. Mmmmm.
 
    Beavis starts wolfing them down.
 
 
 INT.  PLANE - A BIT LATER
 
    Tammy passes out meals from a rolling cart. She works with 
    Doloris. Butt-head stands behind Tammy, attempting to hit on her.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (to Tammy)
            So, uh huh huh, are you going to Las
            Vegas? Huh huh huh.
 
    Tammy ignores him and moves on, leaving Butt-Head there.
 
    ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, looking down at something.
 
    PAN DOWN to reveal he's looking at a BEER on a fat guy's tray. The 
    guy's asleep.
 
    Butt-head picks up the beer.
 
    ANGLE ON BEAVIS, nearby. The NoDrowz is starting to take effect. 
    Beavis starts shaking, babbling, staring cross-eyed at his fist, 
    etc. (pre-Cornholio stuff)
 
    Tammy reaches her next passenger.
 
                 TAMMY
            Hi, we're serving dinner. Our selections
            tonight are chicken piccata or seafood
            gumbo...
 
                 BEAVIS (O.S.)
            Piccata? Piccata! Picattatta tatta!
 
    Tammy moves forward, leaving Butt-Head standing there. In the 
    background, we see Beavis starting to quake, on the verge of 
    Cornholio mode.
 
                 PASSENGER
            Does the gumbo have corn in it?
 
    ANGLE ON BEAVIS: Turned, facing the cabin, T-shirt pulled over his 
    head in full Cornholio mode.
 
                 BEAVIS
            I am Cornholio! I need picatta for
            my bunghole!
 
                 TAMMY
            You'll have to wait your turn sir.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Are you threatening me? My bunghole
            will not wait!
 
    Beavis starts to wander down the aisle.
 
    ANGLE ON CURTAIN TO FIRST CLASS CABIN. Beavis enters. From the 
    other side, SOUND of screams. We hear several CALL BUTTONS being 
    pressed.
 
    ON BUTT-HEAD. He approaches Tammy from behind. She ignores him.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, I got a beer. Want some? Huh huh.
 
 ANGLE INSIDE THE COCKPIT.
 
    The PILOTS are relaxed and settled in when the door to the cockpit 
    slams open. Beavis is in the doorway SCREAMING.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Bargarajjjaaaahhh!!! I am Cornholio!!
 
    The pilots SCREAM. The copilot jumps up so fast he causes coffee 
    to spill everywhere, including on the captain's lap. The captain 
    then jumps up, hitting the controls and SENDING THE PLANE INTO A 
 NOSE-DIVE.
 
 ON BUTT-HEAD
 
    In the back of the plane standing next to Tammy. He starts to take 
    a sip of beer. The nose-dive of the plane causes Butt-Head to go 
 FLYING TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PLANE.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            AAAAAHHH!!! Huh huh. AAAAHHH!!!
 
    Butt-Head bounces all overthe plane and then gets tangled up in 
    the curtain that separates first class and coach. It tears off, 
    and he continues to fly forward.
 
 COCKPIT
 
    The captain is desperately trying to regain control of the plane.
 
    Butt-Head slams into the cockpit, landing on the control panel 
    facing the captain.
 
                 CAPTAIN
            Get the hell out of the cockpit!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh, you said...
 
                 CAPTAIN
         NOW!!!
 
    The captain throws Butt-Head back behind him and pulls the plane 
    out of the dive.
 
 
 EXT.  LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - EARLY EVENING
 
    The plane lands.
 
 
 INT.  COCKPIT DOOR - EARLY EVENING
 
    The flight attendants, shaken, smile at a line of people 
    deplaning. The people are white with fear, some covered with 
    flecks of spilled food and other matter.
 
                 ATTENDANTS
            Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
 
    They grow silent and still as B&B pass by. Beavis takes the T-
    shirt off his head, coming down from Cornholio.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
 
 INT.  TERMINAL/ARRIVAL GATE - DAY
 
    Arriving passengers are greeted. A family is reunited. Two 
    businessmen walk up to limo drivers holding cards with their 
    names. A reunited couple hugs.
 
    B&B look around in confusion.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh, this is Las Vegas?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. I thought there'd be
            casinos and lights and stuff.
 
    People greet and walk away. The place starts to clear out.
 
    One limo driver is left standing. He wears sunglasses and holds a 
    sign that reads: Beavis and Butt-Head.
 
    B&B look around. Except for the driver, they're alone.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Hey Butt-Head, why's that guy holding
            a sign?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... maybe he's blind... Huh huh, check
            this out.
 
    B&B go up to him. Butt-Head turns around, drops his pants and 
    hangs a "B.A." at the guy.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 DRIVER
            Ah, excuse me. You wouldn't know where
            I can find these guys, would ya?
 
    He indicates the sign. Butt-Head turns around and pulls up his 
    pants. They look and try to read:
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (reads)
            Uh, B...A...U... No, uh, V...
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (reads)
            Uh... Buuuuut. Boot. Someone named boot.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (realizes)
            Huh huh. This says Beavis.
 
                 BEAVIS
            And Boot-Head.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            That's Butt-Head. Don't you get it,
            Beavis. These dudes have the same name as
            us.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, we should party.
 
    The limo driver rolls his eyes and walks away.
 
                 DRIVER
            This way, sirs.
 
    B&B follow the driver away. Beavis looks around.
 
                 BEAVIS
            So where's those guys?
 
 
 EXT.  MUDDY'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY
 
    HARLAN and ROSS, the two dumb-looking rough-necks that stole B&B's 
    TV are standing outside Muddy's motel room. Harlan knocks on the 
    door.
 
                 ROSS
            Where the hell is he?
 
                 HARLAN
            You sure this is the right place?
 
    Harlan looks through the window and sees the shattered TV. No 
    one's there.
 
    Muddy's four-by-four SQUEALS into the lot and skids to a stop next 
    to Harlan and Ross' van. Muddy gets out, looking really drunk now.
 
                 HARLAN (CONT.)
            You Muddy?
 
                 MUDDY
                    (slurring)
            You the cops?
 
                 ROSS
            Uh, no. Earl sent us. You know, to take
            care of your wife...
 
    Muddy grabs Ross by the collar.
 
                 MUDDY
            What the hell?!... What about those other...
 
                 ROSS
            Huh?
 
    Muddy tosses Ross to the sidewalk and starts back to they four-by-
    four.
 
                 MUDDY
            Dammit!!! She did it to me again!!!
 
                 HARLAN
            Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You
            wanna buy a new one?
 
    Muddy gets in the four-by-four and starts it.
 
                 MUDDY
            I'm gonna go to Vegas and kill all
            three a' them!
 
    Harlan and Ross seem momentarily confused.
 
    Muddy revs the engine, peels out backwards HITTING THE FRONT OF 
    THE VAN. This causes B&B's TV and some other loot to spill out the 
    back onto the sidewalk.
 
    Ross starts to pick it up.
 
                 HARLAN
            Just leave it. Worthless piece o' crap.
 
                 ROSS
            Yeah, really. We gotta start stealin'
            from rich people.
 
 
 EXT.  LAS VEGAS - DAY
 
 MONTAGE SONG BEGINS.
 
        Note: I would like this to be a well-known band (Red Hot 
        Chili Peppers) doing their best imitation of a modern Las 
        Vegas lounge act. I think a song like "What Am I Gonna Do 
        With You" by Barry White or something obnoxious like 
        "Bicostal" by Peter Allan would be cool. Or maybe Sinatra's 
        "You Make Me Feel So Young" would be best.
 
    The car passes by major hotels and tourist sights, finally pulling 
    up to a big luxurious hotel and casino.
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - DAY
 
    Establishing shots. Excitement. Gambling tables going on forever.
 
    ON THE LOUNGE BAND playing the song we've been hearing. They 
    should vaguely resemble the actual band doing the song.
 
    PAN DOWN rows of slot machines.
 
    PAN ACROSS DEALERS handling cards and chips.
 
    DOLLY RIGHT UP TO B&B, staring in utter awe.
 
    REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS: They're staring at a huge Roman statue of a 
    bare-chested woman.
 
    Their faces are blank. They're seeing God. Finally:
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Beavis. This is what it's all about.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (speechless)
            Heh heh. Yeah.
 
 
 EXT.  VEGAS - DUSK
 
    Lights are popping on.
 
    Billboards and signs are lighting up.
 
    The whole strip is coming alive. Pure excitement.
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK
 
    ON B&B, still staring at the statue.
 
                 B&B
                    (in awe)
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    A security guard comes and drags B&B away.
 
    ON THE LOUNGE BAND, continuing the song we've been hearing.
 
 
 INT.  B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
 
    The door is opened by a bellboy.
 
                 BELLBOY
            I'm so sorry about that little
            misunderstanding. We didn't know you
            were registered guests. Here's some
            playing chips compliments of...
 
    Beavis rushes in and grabs the remote which is attached to the 
    night table. He tries to pull it up and can't.
 
                 BEAVIS
            This remote's too heavy!
 
                 BELLBOY
            Sir, it's attached to the...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Here, dumbass! Let me try!
 
    They both struggle to pull it up. Finally, they fall over 
    backwards.
 
    Annoyed, the bellboy leaves.
 
 
 INT.  ELEVATOR BANK/9TH FLOOR - NIGHT
 
    The elevator arrives. B&B get on. There's several sophisticated 
    people. From inside, a computerized FEMALE ELEVATOR VOICE:
 
                 ELEVATOR VOICE
            Ninth floor, going down.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Going down. Huh huh huh.
 
    The sophisticated people look repulsed. The doors close.
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT
 
    MUSIC DIPS DOWN FOR DIALOGUE. B&B step off the elevator and walk 
    among the gambling tables.
 
    Beavis pulls one of the playing chips out of his pocket and bites 
    into it.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Ow! These chips suck.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            What a rip-off. Come on. We gotta find
            that chick.
 
    Beavis tosses the chip on a roulette table.
 
    ANGLE ON THE WHEEL. The ball lands on 13.
 
    At the table, the DEALER...
 
                 DEALER
            13. We have a winner. (to Beavis) Sir,
            your chips?
 
                 BEAVIS
            I don't want 'em! Keep 'em.
 
                 DEALER
            Let it ride!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (to dealer)
            Uh... could you help us find a chick?
 
                 DEALER
                    (uneasy)
            Sir, the casino does not partake in that
            kind of activity.
 
    The wheel stops.
 
                 DEALER (CONT.)
                    (amazed)
            13! Winner!
 
    People oooh and aaah. More gather to watch.
 
    Through the gathering throng comes CHERYL, a hooker.
 
                 CHERYL
            Excuse me, boys. Did I hear you say 
            you're looking for a date?
 
    B&B freeze, shocked.
 
                 CHERYL (CONT.)
            I'm Cheryl, and I can show you a real
            fine time.
 
    B&B don't move. The dealer rolls again.
 
                 CHERYL (CONT.)
            A time you'll remember for the rest of
            your lives, if you know what I mean.
 
                 DEALER
                    (to Beavis)
            Sir, do you want your chips?
 
                 BEAVIS
            No, Dammit! I don't want any chips!
 
                 DEALER
            Let it ride.
 
    Cheryl puts her hands on their thighs.
 
                 CHERYL
            What say we three go up to your room, 
            take off our clothes and just see what
            comes up.
 
    B&B's eyes open wide.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Uh... Uh...
 
    The wheel stops.
 
                 DEALER
            14. No winners.
 
                 CHERYL
            Hmmmm. Oh well.
 
    She leaves. People scatter. B&B are left alone. Staring.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. That chick was talking
            about doing it.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh. This is the best night of our
            lives.
 
    WIDE SHOT. B&B just stand, laughing.
 
 MUSIC FADES BACK UP...
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT
 
    ANGLE ON THE BAND, continuing the song.
 
    Tourists watch from tables - decidedly not rocking out.
 
    B&B dance alone near the stage, doing the "butt-knocker."
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL OFFICE - NIGHT
 
    A WOMAN ATTENDANT answers the phone.
 
                 WOMAN ATTENDANT
            Good evening. Room service. How may
            I help you?
 
    From the phone...
 
                 B&B
                    (on phone)
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    The woman's disturbed.
 
                 WOMAN ATTENDANT
            Hello... Hello...
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT
 
    B&B try to climb up and grab the gigantic boobs of the statue. 
    Butt-Head falls, knocks Beavis off and they both hit the floor 
    hard.
 
 
 INT.  B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
 
    Beavis is on the phone in the main room. Butt-Head sits on the 
    toilet and speaks from the phone in the bathroom.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh, I'd like to be serviced...
            in my room.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT
 
    B&B keep dancing as the famous BAND plays the MONTAGE SONG which 
 ENDS.
 
 
 EXT.  VEGAS - DAWN
 
    Sunrise.
 
    The song rings out.
 
 
 INT.  B&B'S ROOM - MORNING
 
    BEavis is picking up the night table by the remote attached to it 
    and moving the whole thing.
 
    Butt-Head approaches a door next to the bed.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, I wonder where this door goes to.
 
    Beavis comes over to check it out. Butt-Head opens the door. It's 
    one of those double doors to the next room.
 
    Butt-Head tries to open the second door, jiggling it.
 
    Suddenly, the door opens. Someone reaches out and pulls B&B 
    inside. It's DALLAS, the girl Muddy sent them after.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
    She has them pinned against the wall. DALLAS is hot, clad in tight 
    leather, tattooed, pierced, sexy.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (excited)
            Hey, Butt-Head, it's her! Heh heh.
 
                 DALLAS
            All right, who are ya? C.I.A? F.B.I.?
         A.T.F.?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... Hey baby. Are we like, doing it?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Me first?
 
                 DALLAS
            You got two seconds!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh. Is that gonna be enough time?
 
    Dallas grabs Butt-Head by the shirt.
 
                 DALLAS
            Who sent ya?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh, this fat dude. He said we
            could do you. And he was gonna pay us.
 
                 DALLAS
            Muddy! Sonofabitch! Hold it. What's he
            payin' ya?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, ten uh...
 
                 DALLAS
            Ten grand? That cheap-ass... I got a
            better deal for ya. I'll double it. I'll
            pay ya twenty if you go back there and do
            mah husband.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, you want us to do a guy? Huh huh. No
            way.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (considering it)
            Umm,... I don't know Butt-Head. That is
            a lot of money... Maybe if we close our
            eyes and pretend he's a chick...
 
    Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis, bringing him to his senses.
 
    From outside, SOUND of a police siren. Dallas goes to the window. 
    The place is being surrounded by police and plain black cars.
 
                 DALLAS
                    (panics)
            Damn! You boys, you wait right there.
 
    Dallas goes into the next room and closes the door.
 
    B&B look at each other. They start to take their pants off.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. I'm ready for love.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Me first! Me first!
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
 
    Dallas gets binoculars from her bag and scouts outside.
 
    Her P.O.V. REVEALS dozens of police and A.T.F. cars. The hotel's 
    surrounded.
 
    As Dallas looks around, she spots a tour bus across the street. On 
    the side: "Dream America Tours." Dallas quickly dials the phone.
 
                 DALLAS
                    (to phone)
            Gimme the number for Dream America Tours.
            (pause) Right.
 
    Dallas dials again, crossing to the door to peek out at B&B - both 
    standing in their underwear, waiting. Beavis picks his nose. 
    Dallas closes the door again.
 
                 DALLAS (CONT.)
                    (to phone)
            Yeah, you got a bus leaving today? (pause)
            Five minutes? Where's it goin'? (listens)
            Washington, D.C.? (mulls it over) Perfect.
            (a look back to the other room) Gimme two
            tickets.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
 
    B&B are in their underwear. Butt-Head sits at the edge of the bed. 
    Beavis tries to pull the remote off the table.
 
    Dallas enters, sees this sight, and shuts off the TV. She looms 
    over Butt-Head.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            So, uh, huh huh. Are we gonna score now?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Me first!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Forget it, bunghole!
 
    B&B start to wrestle. Dallas sees Beavis' pants.
 
                 DALLAS
                    (realizing)
            Score? You boys wanna...?
 
    Butt-Head grabs Beavis' neck.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Ow, let go, Butt-Head!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh.
 
    She picks up the pants, getting an idea.
 
                 DALLAS
            You wait here.
 
    She takes the pants into the next room. B&B keep wrestling.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Me first.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. No way, dude.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
 
    TIGHT ON her black satchel. From it she lifts a delicate 
    electronic device, the X-5 unit, about the size of a credit card. 
    An LED light blinks.
 
    Using her switchbalde, she cuts a hole in the back seam of Beavis' 
    pants, creating a natural pocket. She carefully slides the unit 
    in.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
 
    B&B's fight escalates. Butt-Head picks up a LAMP and throws it at 
    Beavis. It hits the wall and SHATTERS. Beavis charges Butt-Head.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
 
    Dallas is licking a piece of thread. She quickly and expertly 
    threads a needle and then starts to sew the electronic device into 
    the inside back of Beavis' pants. She suddenly wrinkles her nose 
    as if she has smelled something.
 
    She holds the pants up to the light. Inside, the shadow of the 
    unit.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
 
    B&B fight wildly. Dallas enters and clears her throat. B&B freeze.
 
    FULL ON DALLAS, posed sexily, seductive.
 
                 DALLAS
            Don't wear yourselves out, boys. Save
            some energy for me.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This is it, Beavis. Huh huh. We're 
            finally gonna score.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh. Thank God.
 
                 DALLAS
            I'm gonna do it with both of ya.
 
                 B&B
                    (uncontrollable)
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh
            huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    Dallas clears her throat to get their attention. And again.
 
                 DALLAS
            (sexy) Boys... (shouts) Boys!!!
 
    Silence.
 
                 DALLAS (CONT.)
            But first, you hafta do a little job for
            me. (touches seductively) Would you like
            to do a job for me?
 
    Silence. They're in shock.
 
                 DALLAS (CONT.)
            Here's what it is. I want ya to take a bus
            ta Washington, D.C. That's all. And when
            ya get there, I'll be waitin'. You're
            gonna make a whole lotta money. (In their
            faces) And I'm gonaa give you everything!
 
                 B&B
                    (near comatose)
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 DALLAS
            Until then... (tosses Beavis' pants in his
            face) Keep your pants on.
 
    She looks back to the window, now all business.
 
                 DALLAS (CONT.)
            OK guys, time to move out.
 
 
 INT.  HOTEL LOBBY/FRONT DOOR - DAY
 
    A.T.F. agents enter and spread out. We see several agents go up 
    the stairs.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' ROOM/DOORWAY - DAY
 
                 DALLAS
            Remember, Washington, D.C. You'll get
            more money than you ever dreamed of. And
            you'll get me.
 
    She kisses them both seductively.
 
                 DALLAS (CONT.)
                    (urgent)
            Your bus is downstairs. Get going.
 
    She shuts the door, leaving B&B outside. Nearby, a maid with her 
    cart passes by.
 
    B&B stare, frozen for a beat, then go running for the elevator.
 
    ANGLE AROUND THE CORNER, out of B&B's view. Just as the elevator 
    doors shut, dozens of federal agents with guns rush in and kick 
    open Dallas' door.
 
 
 EXT.  HOTEL/CASINO - DAY
 
    More Feds and police enter.
 
    ANGLE ON B&B, walking past, oblivious to all else. As he walks 
    away, Beavis rubs his butt.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This is gonna be cool. Huh huh.
 
    They walk to the tour bus across the street.
 
 
 INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    B&B walk down the aisle, Beavis rubbing his butt. Most seats are 
    taken by senior citizens.
 
    Up ahead, two vacant seats. B&B fight to get in first.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            No way butt-hole! I want the window.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Cut it out butt-hole!
 
                 A VOICE
            Why don't you take turns?
 
    They turn. It's Martha, the woman from the plane, sitting across 
    the aisle.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey, Butt-Head, it's that slut from the
            plane!
 
                 MARTHA
            Why it's you two. How'd ya do in Vegas?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Uh, we didn't score yet.
 
                 MARTHA
            Sorry to hear that. Me, I took a beating.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool, huh huh huh.
 
                 MARTHA
            That's why I'm bussing it across America.
            I'm so glad you're here. (to man in next
            seat) Jim, I want you to meet two nice
            boys.
 
    JIM, an old guy, wakes up and looks over.
 
                 MARTHA (CONT.)
            This is Travis and Bob... What's your
            last name, dear?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... Head? huh huh. My first name's
            Butt. Huh huh huh.
 
                 JIM
            Pleased to meet ya, Mr. Head.
 
    All the seniors turn around to meet them.
 
                 MARTHA
            Meet Sylvia. And Elloise and Sam. And Ed.
            And Doreen.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Are you guys sluts too? Huh huh huh.
 
 
 EXT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    It takes off.
 
    We PAN back to the hotel as Muddy arrives in a cab.
 
 
 INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE DALLAS' ROOM - DAY
 
    DRAMATIC REVEAL of AGENT RYAN FLEMMING entering the hallway. He's 
    an A.T.F. honcho, powerful, hard-ass. Looks like an Oliver North-
    type. Sounds something like Fred Thompson. He walks with his 
    assistant, AGENT BORK and another agent.
 
    They find Dallas' room and enter.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' HOTEL ROOM - DAY
 
    Dallas sits calmly, confident, as agents tear apart the room.
 
                 FLEMMING
            So, are you going to tell us where it is
            or am I going to have to have Agent Hurley
            over there give you another cavity search?
 
    ANGLE ON AGENT HURLEY, a tough, stocky woman.
 
                 DALLAS
            Ooh is that a promise?
 
                 FLEMMING
            Look Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell
            her Bork.
 
                 BORK
            Dallas Grimes. Married to Muddy Grimes.
            You run a mom and pop arms smuggling ring.
 
    He tosses her some photos of her and Muddy.
 
                 DALLAS
            Oh, you got my bad side.
 
    Bork hands Flemming another file. Flemming checks it.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Three days ago you pulled a job at the
            Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada -
            where you stole... (reads) The X-5 unit.
            Now we happen to know you had the unit
            with you when you checked in here, so why
            don't you be a good girl and tell us where
            it is.
 
                 DALLAS
            You gonna charge me with anything? (pause)
            I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now
            or wait 'till my lawyer files a wrongful
            arrest.
 
                 BORK
                    (aside to Flemming)
            We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place
            apart. We can only legally hold her for
            another couple of hours.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (aside to Bork)
            Dammit! (slams fist down) Where's that
            damn unit??!!
 
 
 EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DAY
 
    The bus parks.
 
 
 INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    B&B are excited.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh. We're in Washington!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. We're gonna score now.
 
                 MARTHA
            Actually, we're at the Hoover Dam.
 
    Martha walks on down the aisle.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Damn, huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. Damn right!
 
    They follow the seniors out of the bus. Beavis rubs his butt.
 
 
 EXT.  THE ROAD - DAY
 
    Dallas drives by in a slick car.
 
 
 INT.  DALLAS' CAR - DAY
 
    She adjusts her rearview mirror to observe a Fed car following 
    her. She smiles.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM - DAY
 
    B&B and the seniors are on a tour through the giant basement. B&B 
    talk and approach the HOOVER GUIDE, speaking nearby.
 
                 BEAVIS
            So, like, where is she?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (looks around)
            Yeah, really.
 
                 HOOVER GUIDE
            Over 40 thousand cubic tons of concrete
            were used in the construction of the
            Hoover Dam.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 HOOVER GUIDE
            From top to bottom, this dam is 51
            stories.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Uh, huh huh, excuse me. Is this a God
            Damn?
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    They follow the tour into the next room.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/OBSERVATION ROOM - DUSK
 
    A glass wall separates this from the master control room. There, 
    two technicians are on watch. Banks of monitors show the water and 
    pipes from various angles.
 
    B&B are the last in. Beavis rubs his aching butt. The guide is 
    already speaking.
 
                 HOOVER GUIDE
            ... Generates over 6000 gigawatts of
            electricity, all passing through this
            control room. This way.
 
    The tour moves on.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This is dumb, let's find that chick.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh, enough'a this crap.
 
    They walk back from where they came.
 
    Through the glass wall, we see the two control room technicians 
    heading out.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Check it out Butt-Head, TV!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool! Huh huh huh.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/HALL OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM DOOR - DUSK
 
    SOUND of air compression as this secure door opens. The two 
    technicians walk out.
 
    They walk away, not seeing that behind them, B&B approach the 
    control room door. They enter just before the door closes. SOUND 
    of air compression locks.
 
 
 INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK
 
    Agent Bork knocks and enters.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Talk ta me, Bork.
 
                 BORK
            Chief, we found a witness that says he saw
            two teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly
            before we arrived.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Did you give him a full cavity search?
 
                 BORK
                    (confused)
            Ah, the witness?
 
                 FLEMMING
            Yes. You can never be too careful Bork.
 
                 BORK
            Well sir, I didn't really think it was
            necessary. You see we have a picture of
            them from the elevator security cam. Here,
            have a look.
 
    TIGHT ON PICTURE. A still of B&B laughing on the elevator.
 
                 BORK (CONT.)
            They look like a couple of kids chief.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Bork, don't you realize what kids today
            are capable of? Don't you read the papers?
 
    Suddenly the lights blink on and off. All three men look up.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
 
    We see a bank of TV monitors, video of water, turbines, etc. 
    Beavis is rubbing his butt against a switch on the console, 
    causing the lights to blink on and off.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Beavis, huh huh, what'er you doing?
 
                 BEAVIS
            My butt's bothering me!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            You should kick your butt's ass. Huh huh
            huh.
 
    Butt-Head looks at the bank of monitors - all showing water.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            Dammit, all they have is shows about
            water.
 
                 BEAVIS
            That sucks. Heh heh. They need some shows
            about fire! Change the channel.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh...
 
    Butt-Head starts randomly hitting controls everywhere while Beavis 
    rubs his butt against a computer keypad.
 
    TIGHT ON CONTROL:  "Main Water Release Valve". Butt-Head turns it. 
    An alarm sounds.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, turn it up! Louder! Heh heh.
 
 
 INT.  DAM DOORS - DUSK
 
    An alarm sounds. Giant doors open, causing water to start to flood 
    through the gates.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
 
    Butt-Head presses more buttons. His hand is near the biggest 
    switch for: "Master Station Control".
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (reads sign)
            Uh... Mas... Ter... Huh huh. Masturbation,
            huh huh.
 
    Butt-Head throws the switch. Lights go out. SOUND of generators 
    grinding to a halt.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/MACHINE ROOM - DUSK
 
    Machinery stops suddenly and large support beams break. A 
    disaster.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
 
    SOUND of twisted, grinding metal, loud alarms.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh...
 
    ON ONE OF THE MONITORS, we see a small electrical fire.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, fire! Fire! FIRE!!!
 
 
 EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DUSK
 
    The lights go out.
 
 
 EXT.  VEGAS STRIP - DUSK
 
    In succession, one set of lights after another goes out. The 
    famous strip goes dark.
 
 
 INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK
 
    The lights go dead.
 
                 FLEMMING
            The hell's going on?
 
 
 INT.  HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM/VEGAS - DUSK
 
    A surgeon just makes an incision as the lights go out.
 
                 SURGEON
            Whoooooops.
 
 
 EXT.  CAMPGROUND - DUSK
 
    Marcy Anderson hammers the last peg in for their tent. Tom checks 
    the stew on the fire and looks around.
 
                 TOM
            I'll tell ya, it doesn't get any better
            than this. This here is God's country.
            Unspoiled and...
 
    A rumbling interrupts him. He and Marcy turn to see:
 
    A wall of water, heading for them.
 
                 TOM (CONT.)
            Aaaaghhh!!!...
 
    They're smashed by the flood.
 
 
 EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DUSK
 
    Mass chaos. Traffic jams. Honking horns. People shouting.
 
    ANGLE ON B&B AND THE SENIORS, about to get on the bus.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            That was boring. Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, it's just the same thing over and
            over again.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... We can't leave Washington 'till we
            find that chick.
 
                 MARTHA
            Oh, we're a long ways from Washington Bob.
            This is the Hoover Dam.
 
    Martha gets on the bus. HOLD ON B&B.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Damn! Heh heh hmm heh.
 
    They get on the bus.
 
 
 INT.  VEGAS HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK
 
    Mayhem. People scream in the dark. Some steal chips and run.
 
    ANGLE TO SIDE, where Muddy has the Concierge by the neck.
 
                 CONCIERGE
            I swear, that's all I know! They got on
            that tour bus. It was probably heading 
            west. Please...
 
    Muddy slams him against the wall and walks away.
 
                 MUDDY
            I'm gonna kill 'em!
 
 
 EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DUSK
 
    The doors close on the tour bus. It pulls out and drives away.
 
 
 EXT.  SIDE OF ROAD - DUSK
 
    At her car, Dallas watches the bus from a distance, then lays down 
    her binoculars, satisfied.
 
                 DALLAS
            You boys better show up.
 
    With a look at the Fed car behind her, she gets in her car and 
    drives down a different road.
 
 
 EXT.  ROAD - DUSK
 
    The bus heads off into the desert.
 
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT.  HOOVER DAM - MORNING
 
    Police cars everywhere. Fire engines. Reporters. News helicopters. 
    Disaster.
 
    Several A.T.F. cars pull up. Flemming and several of his agents 
    get out and head immediately for the dam.
 
 
 INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
 
    TIGHT ON A TV MONITOR. It shows B&B at the Hoover Dam controls the 
    eve before, shot on surveillance camera. Frame freezes. B&B 
    looking particularly stupid.
 
    REVEAL Flemming's there with his agents. Flemming leans forward.
 
                 FLEMMING
            You see what I see, Bork?
 
                 BORK
            I see it. I don't get it.
 
                 FLEMMING
            You got half the state looking for ya -
            how do you get away?
 
                 BORK
                    (realizes)
            Cut the power!
 
                 FLEMMING
            Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real
            pros here. My opinion, terrorists...
            What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
 
                 BORK
            Well, sir it's not good. (to an assistant)
            Roll the tape... The X-5 unit is a new
            top-secret biological weapon, a manmade
            virus...
 
    ON MONITOR. The device that was put in back of Beavis' pants.
 
                 BORK (CONT.)
            The deadliest known to man. It could wipe
            out five states in five days. It can be
            activated by simply entering the right
            code. Here's what happened when it was
            tested on a group of Army recruits...
 
    ON THE MONITOR. Army recruits coughing up black gunk, rolling 
    around in pain on stretchers, dying. Grotesque (but funny).
 
                 FLEMMING
            Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to
            fall into the wrong hands...
 
                 BORK
            It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished.
            It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard
            enough, it could break open, releasing the
            virus.
 
    A murmuring through the room. Flemming rises and holds up a 
    picture of B&B.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Okay People, as of right now these are the
            most dangerous men in America. I want
            these faces in front of every Fed and two-
            bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The
            orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray
            that nothing hits that unit.
 
 
 INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    TIGHT ON Beavis' butt, as Butt-head KICKS IT REPEATEDLY.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Ow! Cut it out Butt-Head.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. Get out of the way, Beavis, I
            wanna sit by the window. Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Ow! I'll kick your butt!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. You mean like this?
 
    Butt-Head keeps kicking.
 
 ANGLE ON THE DRIVER UP FRONT.
 
                 DRIVER
            Okay, people, next stop, Grand Canyon.
 
    He guns it.
 
 
 EXT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    It takes off down the road.
 
    MONTAGE SONG BEGINS. (Maybe White Zombie doing something like, 
    "Born to Be Wild")
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Grand Canyon.
 
 
 EXT.  GRAND CANYON - DAY
 
    Gorgeous. Our seniors and others take pictures and stare in awe. 
    Some hold hands. One crosses herself.
 
    ANGLE ON B&B, nearby, also staring in awe. REVEAL they're watching 
    a jackass take a dump.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            The poop's coming out of the ass of the
            ass. Heh heh heh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. It's coming out of the ass, but
            it's also coming out of the ass of the
            ass.
 
 
 INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS - DAY
 
    TIGHT ON PHOTO OF B&B, going out on the wire.
 
 
 INT.  A POLICE STATION - DAY
 
    TIGHT ON COP getting the photo off a machine.
 
 
 INT.  A POST OFFICE - DAY
 
    TIGHT ON B&B's PHOTO as it's pinned to the wall.
 
 
 INT.  DRIVING TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    PAN across seniors showing off pictures of their grandchildren.
 
    Pan stops on B&B showing off the picture of Dallas to a senior. 
    Butt-Head does the "finger-in-hole" fornication gesture as they 
    LAUGH suggestively.
 
 
 EXT.  SIDE OF ROAD - DAY
 
    Flemming reads a map strewn on his hood. He turns to Bork to give 
    orders. Bork repeats them into his radio. Several cars pull out.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Utah.
 
 
 EXT.  SALT LAKE CITY - DAY
 
    Martha and the seniors pose in front of a classic Salt Lake City 
    view. A sign nearby reads "Welcome to Salt Lake City."
 
    REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, taking their picture.
 
    P.O.V. OF CAMERA shows Butt-Head's hand covering half the lens. 
    Framing is crooked and way off. Click and FREEZE.
 
 
 EXT.  SIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAY
 
    Middle of nowhere. Confused, Martha is taking a picture.
 
    REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, posing by the road sign: Baggs, Wyoming.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    P.O.V. OF CAMERA, showing B&B laughing.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across the map to Wyoming.
 
 CROSS-DISSOLVE BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:
 
 
 EXT.  FLAMING GORGE, WYOMING - DAY
 
    A classic view of a powerful gorge.
 
    REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. Martha and the seniors rush 
    to the windows to stare in awe.
 
 
 EXT.  GRAND TETON, WYOMING - DAY
 
    A classic view of the huge peaks.
 
    REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. More seniors rush to the 
    windows to see.
 
 
 EXT.  YELLOWSTONE PARK, WYOMING - DAY
 
    A spectacular view of Yellowstone Lake and the Rockies.
 
    REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS. Seniors staring in awe.
 
    PAN over to another window. B&B press their BARE ASSES against the 
    window.
 
 
 EXT.  YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - DAY
 
 MONTAGE SONG ENDS.
 
    A RANGER/GUIDE stands in front of the seniors talking about the 
    geyser. B&B are towards the front, off to one side.
 
                 RANGER
                    (a la Carl Sagan)
            There are over two hundred active geysers
            in Yellowstone Park alone. Old Faithful
            here is one of the largest. During an 
            eruption the water can reach as high as
            two hundred feet!...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            So?
 
                 RANGER
                    (ignoring Butt-Head)
            It shoots out over twelve thousand gallons
            of water in a single eruption...
 
                 BEAVIS
            That's not that much.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Yeah really. Let's get outta here Beavis.
            Huh huh huh. This sucks.
 
    B&B walk off as the flustered ranger leads the seniors to some 
    benches where they wait for the geyser to erupt.
 
 
 EXT.  YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - LATER
 
    The geyser erupts. The seniors watch in sheer awe.
 
                 MARTHA
            It's...incredible...!
 
 
 INT.  VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY
 
    B&B stare ahead in similar awe.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            It's incredible!... Huh huh huh.
 
    REVEAL they're standing before the urinals. Butt-Head moves to the 
    side, tripping a motion detector which makes the urinal 
 AUTOMATICALLY FLUSH.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Whoa! That's amazing! Heh heh heh.
 
    They start moving from urinal to urinal, causing all to flush.
 
 
 EXT.  OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING AREA - DAY
 
    The bus idles. The last senior climbs aboard.
 
    The driver looks around impatiently. He checks his watch.
 
                 DRIVER
            I can't wait forever.
 
 
 INT.  OLD FAITHFUL/RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY
 
    The ranger/guide enters and checks off a chart on a bulletin board 
    near B&B's "wanted" photo.
 
    Suddenly the guide sees B&B's photo, then, out the window, the bus 
    closing its door and pulling away.
 
                 RANGER
            Oh my God!
 
    The guide picks up the phone.
 
 
 INT.  VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S ROOM - DAY
 
    B&B go back and forth, "playing" the urinals, passing hands, 
    heads, whole bodies in front of the motion detectors.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh.
 
    Finally, Butt-Head pauses.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This is the coolest thing I have ever
            seen.
 
 
 EXT.  SIDE OF A ROAD - DAY
 
    Flemming is on the radio. Bork runs up.
 
                 BORK
            Chief, we got 'em! They're on a senior
            citizens tour bus going east on I-40.
 
 
 EXT.  OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING LOT - DAY
 
    B&B get on a bus that looks completely different than the tour 
    bus.
 
 
 INT.  DIFFERENT BUS - DAY
 
    TIGHT ON B&B. Butt-Head looks around.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... Is this the right bus?
 
                 BEAVIS
            You mean there's mre than one?
 
    A WIDER SHOT REVEALS it's a bus full of nuns. B&B look around and 
    see this.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. Hey Beavis. We're on a bus
            with chicks.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh hmm heh heh.
 
    Butt-Head turns to the nun next to him.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Hey, baby.
 
    The nun looks disturbed as the bus takes off.
 
 
 EXT.  I-40/SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
 
    The tour bus is stopped. Like P.O.W.'s, the seniors stand with 
    hands on heads. Agents search the bus.
 
    ANGLE ON LINE OF SENIORS. Flemming walks nearby and is told:
 
                 BORK
            They're not on the bus.
 
    Flemming looks the seniors over.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (re: seniors)
            These people know something. I want full
            cavity searches. Everyone. Go deep on 'em.
 
    Hurley and two agents grab the nearest senior and drag him away.
 
                 FLEMMING (CONT.)
            I tell you Bork, these guys are smart.
            Damn smart. They're probably a hundred
            miles away by now.
 
    Behind Flemming, an agent waves on traffic including B&B's new 
    bus. As it pulls past, B&B hang B.A.'s. Flemming doesn't see.
 
 MONTAGE SONG BEGINS:
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map, pretty much retracing the 
    route B&B took north. Down into Utah.
 
 
 INT.  BUS - DAY
 
    A nun strums a guitar and sings. Butt-head head-bangs. The nuns 
    around look uneasy.
 
    Nearby another nun reads the Bible to Beavis.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass!
            There's this talking snake and a naked
            chick and then this dude puts a leaf
            on his schlong! Heh heh heh.
 
    The nun next to Beavis is disgusted.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes down through Colorado.
 
    One of the nuns is trying to teach B&B the sign of the cross.
 
    Butt-head moves his hand down, up, left and then swings his hand 
    to the far right SMACKING Beavis.
 
 
 INT.  ROADSIDE RESTAURANT - DAY
 
    Sitting before a long table, the nuns close their eyes and pray, 
    hands clasped together.
 
    PAN THE ROW to B&B who's hands are clasped together and 
    interlocked as they do the incredibly juvenile 'peek at the 
    vagina' trick.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Rancho Taos, New 
    Mexico.
 
 
 EXT.  MISSION OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI CHURCH - DAY
 
    A beautiful old adobe-style church. Nuns exit the bus, excited, 
    followed by B&B who look around.
 
    The nuns walk into a visitor center. B&B walk right into the 
    church.
 
 
 INT.  CHURCH - DAY
 
    In a WIDE SHOT we see B&B walk in, look around and head for the 
 CONFESSION BOOTHS.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Check it out Butt-Head, porta-potties.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool, huh huh.
 
    B&B each enter a confession booth on the priest's side.
 
 
 INT.  ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - LATER
 
    WIDE EST. SHOT shows that a confessional service has begun.
 
 
 INT.  ST. FRANCIS CHURCH/CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY
 
    We see a man nervously confessing. This seems difficult for him.
 
                 MAN
                    (about to cry)
            Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
            I,...I...I slept with a woman, and...
 
    From the priest's side of the confessional we hear Butt-head. The 
    man can't see him.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
            Huh huh huh, really? Was she naked?
 
                 MAN
            Well, yes Father. Please forgive me. I...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
            Cool, huh huh huh. Could you like, see her
            boobs?
 
 ANGLE INSIDE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL
 
                 MAN #2
                    (confused)
            How many Hail Marys?
 
                 BEAVIS (O.S.)
            A thousand! Yeah, heh heh hmm. And I want
            you to hit yourself. Right now!
 
                 MAN #2
            Now?!
 
                 BEAVIS (O.S.)
            Yeah! Heh heh hmm heh. DO IT!
 
    From outside the confession booth, we hear the sound of a SMACK.
 
                 BEAVIS (O.S./CONT.)
            Harder! Heh heh. Again! Heh heh. You need
            to straighten up!
 
 
 EXT.  ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - DAY
 
    As B&B board the bus they are STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes further down into Arizona.
 
 
 EXT.  PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
 
    This establishes.
 
 
 INT.  PETRIFIED FORESTS VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
 
    B&B stare at an exhibit, riveted. The nuns watch them. A recording 
    plays.
 
                 RECORDING (V.O.)
            Welcome to the Petrified Forest. The
            world's largest site of petrified wood.
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh wood.
 
    The Mother Superior makes a signal the other nuns were waiting 
    for. They all rush back to the bus, leaving B&B behind.
 
                 RECORDING (V.O.)
            You may wonder, how can wood get so hard?
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    Through the window, we see the bus drive away.
 
    ANGLE ON AN OLD RANGER behind a counter, looking at B&B. He sees 
    their A.T.F. photo nearby and reaches for a phone.
 
 
 EXT.  PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
 
 MONTAGE SONG ENDS.
 
    B&B step outside. Nearby, a tourist car pulls up.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey, where'd those chicks go?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... I think you scared them off.
 
                 BEAVIS
            This sucks. What are we doing here?
            Weren't we suppost'a go to Washington and
            score or something?
 
    From the car, a tourist couple heads into the building.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (to couple)
            Uh, do you know where Washington is?
 
                 TOURIST MAN
            Yeah, 'bout 2000 miles that way.
 
    He points to the desert, then continues into the building.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool. Huh huh huh.
 
    B&B walk off into the desert.
 
 
 EXT.  PETRIFIED FOREST TOURIST CENTER - LATER
 
    The place is crawling with A.T.F.  Flemming walks out with Bork 
    and the OLD RANGER.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see
            their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried
            to stop them?
 
                 OLD RANGER
            The most dangerous guys in America? Not
            me, Sonny. I make nine dollars an hour.
 
                 FLEMMING
            National security is the responsibility of
            every American. Bork...
 
                 BORK
            Cavity search...?
 
                 FLEMMING
            Deep and hard.
 
    Agents lead the old Ranger away.
 
                 FLEMMING (CONT.)
            They're not gonna get away this time. I
            want roadblocks. Every road outta here for
            two hundred miles.
 
 
 EXT.  ROAD - DAY
 
 IN MONTAGE SHOTS:
 
    A.T.F. agents put up roadblocks.
 
    Agents load guns.
 
    Agents pile up sandbags and prepare for battle.
 
 
 EXT.  DESERT - DAY
 
    WIDE SHOT. A wasteland. Scorching desert hear. B&B, small in 
    frame, look lost. They're parched, weak.
 
                 BEAVIS
            This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This desert is stupid. They need to put a
            drinking fountain out here.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah or like a Seven-Eleven or
            something... Are we almost there?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, probably like, another five minutes or
            something.
 
    ANGLE FROM OVERHEAD. Lost, alone, B&B wobble like they haven't 
    long to live. Overhead, vultures circle.
 
    ANGLE ON B&B, exhausted, spent. Staring ahead, Butt-Head suddenly 
    sees something.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            Whoa! Check it out!
 
    Beavis clears his eyes and sees it too.
 
                 B&B
            Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.
 
    Excited, saved, they rush weakly forward.
 
    B&B'S P.O.V. REVEALS they rush to: A GIANT BIG SCREEN TV.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Turn it on! Turn it on!
 
    As they get closer it disappears - just a mirage.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh...
 
                 BEAVIS
            Dammit!!!! Dammit!!!!
 
    ANGLE ON SUN, brightening. The FRAME WHITES OUT.
 
 
 EXT.  ROADBLOCK - DAY
 
    Cars are backed up into the horizon.
 
    The car up front is waved on. Up next: Tom and Marcy. An agent 
    steps over and shows the picture of B&B.
 
                 TOM
            Something wrong, Officer?
 
                 AGENT
            Sir, we're looking for these two
            fugitives.
 
    ANDERSON SQUINTS to see.
 
    HIS P.O.V. REVEALS the photo out of focus.
 
                 ANDERSON
            Why I'll be danged. It's those boys been
            whackin' off in my camper...
 
                 AGENT
            You saw these two?
 
                 ANDERSON
            I sure did. They were whackin' off in my
            tool shed. Then whackin' off in my camper.
            I never seen so much whackin' off.
 
    The agent steps back and shouts into his walkie-talkie:
 
                 AGENT
            Blue Den this is post nine! I have
            positive ID!! (to Tom) Sir, I'm gonna have
            to ask you and your wife to step out of
            the vehicle.
 
                 ANDERSON
            Well you see, me and the missus are on our
            way to Washington. We got this schedule...
 
    The agent pulls his gun and orders:
 
                 AGENT
            Now!!!!
 
 
 EXT.  SIDE OF HIGHWAY/JUST OFF ROADBLOCK - DAY
 
    A BIT LATER. Agents swarm over Tom's camper, turning everything 
    upside, pulling out dishes, trashing everything.
 
                 TOM
                    (furious)
            Now wait right there. You're dealing with
            a veteran of two foreign wars. They're the
            ones been whacking off. If I find anything
            broken in there, you and I are gonna
            tangle!
 
    An A.T.F. agent smashes the micro on the ground and sifts through 
    the pieces.
 
    Nearby, Flemming and Hurley watch.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (appalled)
            Masturbating in a man's camper! We're
            dealing with two sick individuals. I want
            that camper torn apart, full cavity
            searches all around.
 
    SNAP! SFX as Agent Hurley puts on her rubber gloves and leads Tom 
    and Marcy away.
 
    Agent Bork runs up to Flemming.
 
                 BORK
            Chief - just came in! Two days ago,
            Express Airways had a disturbance by
            someone calling himself - Cornholio. Guess
            who matches the description?
 
    He holds up a police sketch of Cornholio. Flemming walks to a 
    nearby chopper. SOUND of engine revving. Others follow.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Finally, a real break. Get me that
            flight's point of origin. We're gonna kick
            some ass.
 
 
 EXT.  DESERT - DAY
 
    B&B walk along in the scorching heat. Ahead of them they see a 
    DUMB GUY and a DUMBER GUY with motorcycles parked. They are trying 
    to start a camp fire, LAUGHING.
 
                 DUMB GUY
                    (to B&B)
            Uh, hey. One of you kids got a match?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (dehydrated)
            Uh, my butt and your...uh, butt.
 
 
 INT.  B&B'S HOME - DAY
 
    Peaceful. Empty. Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents break in, guns 
    ready, searching every corner. They tear it apart.
 
 
 EXT.  B&B'S TOWN/STREETS - DAY
 
    Agents rush down the business streets. People are in a panic. It's 
    like an invasion.
 
    ANGLE ON ELITE MOTOR LODGE - ON B&B'S TV SET as agents rush by, 
    knocking it over with a crash.
 
 
 INT.  VAN DRIESSEN'S CLASS - DAY
 
    Guitar in hand, Van Driessen sings:
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            She flies so gracefully,
            over rocks, trees and sand. Soaring over
            cliffs and gently
            floating down to land.
            She proudly lifts her voice
            to sound her mating call.
            And soon her mate responds
            by singing... "Caw, Caw, Caw."
            Come with me, Lesbian Seagull.
            Settle down and rest with me...
 
    Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents crash into the room. The door 
    bashes in, knocking Van Driessen down hard and crushing his 
    guitar.
 
    Flemming enters. Behind him, McVicker.
 
                    McVICKER
            Uh...uh...uh that's him. He's their
            teacher.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            What's going on here?
 
                 FLEMMING
            I'll ask the questions. Are these your
            students?
 
    He shows a picture of B&B.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            I assume you're a government agent. I
            would think you would know there's
            something in this country called due
            process.
 
                 FLEMMING
            That's about the kind of talk I'd expect
            from the guy who taught these two. Take
            this scum away.
 
                 VAN DRIESSEN
            I believe I'm supposed to be read my
            Miranda Rights...
 
    An agent interrupts, punching Van Driessen in the gut. He's taken 
    away. Flemming turns menacingly to McVicker.
 
                    McVICKER
            I...I...I always knew they were no good.
            I... I... I hate them!
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (to McVicker)
            You've been harboring two criminal
            masterminds!
 
    Bork rushes up to Flemming with a paper.
 
                 BORK
            Chief, you know that guy whose camper they
            were whacking off in?
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (appalled)
            Bork! You are a federal agent. You
            represent the United States Government...
            Never end a sentence with a preposition.
            Try again.
 
                 BORK
            Oh, ah... You know that guy in whose
            camper they... I mean that guy off in
            whose camper they were whacking?
 
                 FLEMMING
            That's better. Yes?
 
                 BORK
            We've run a sample through the National
            Criminal Sperm Bank and come up with two
            possible genetic matches for a father.
            (holds up photos)
 
    TIGHT ON PHOTO. It's the DUMB GUY and DUMBER GUY from the desert.
 
                 BORK (O.S./CONT.)
            Former Motley Crue members turned
            drifters.
 
    Flemming takes the paper and marches off. Others follow.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT.  DESERT - NIGHT
 
    B&B and the Dumn abd Dumber Guys are sitting around a campfire. 
    The Dumb Guy looks like an older, more stupid, version of Butt-
    Head. The Dumber Guy is a couple of evolutionary scales down from 
    Beavis. Their relationship is an exaggerated version of B&B's.
 
    Butt-Head is staring at the Dumb Guy in admiration. Beavis, like 
    the Dumber Guy, appears to be just staring at the fire, 
    hypnotized. Dumb Guy is eating spaghetti out of a can.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            You were a roadie for Motley Crue?
 
                 DUMB GUY
                    (mouth full)
            Yup. Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Fire.
 
                 DUMB GUY
            Here's another true story. About fifteen
            years ago, we stopped in this, uh, toilet,
            called Highland...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Really? That's where we're from.
 
                 DUMB GUY
            Well, then you know what I'm talking
            about. Anyway, here's the story. I
            scored with these two chicks. True story.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            You scored with two chicks?!
 
                 DUMB GUY
                    (spaghetti dribbling from mouth)
            Yeah, they were sluts. Huh huh huh.
 
                 DUMBER GUY
            Ih hih hih hih hih hih.
 
    Dumb Guy punches Dumber Guy in the head with a closed fist.
 
                 DUMB GUY
            Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score. I
            scored with both of them...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, do you think these two sluts still
            live in Highland? That would be cool.
 
                 DUMB GUY
                    (after taking another big bite)
            Hey, you wanna see something really cool?
            Huh huh huh.
 
    Dumb Guy gets up, turns his butt towards the fire and starts to 
    drop his pants.
 
 
 EXT.  DESERT/LONG SHOT - CONTINUOUS
 
    The campfire is in the distance, middle of nowhere. A flatulant 
    sound is heard. Suddenly, a big beautiful purple and orange 
    fireball erupts, lighting up the sky.
 
                 B&B/DUMB GUY/DUMBER GUY (O.S.)
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS (O.S.)
            Fire.
 
 
 EXT.  DESERT - MORNING
 
    B&B wake up. The Dumb Guy and Dumber Guy are gone. The sun is 
    scorching.
 
    B&B inch forward - spent, dehydrated, near death.
 
    ANGLE ON GROUND as B&B collapse into frame. Butt-Head looks up at 
    the sun, squinting.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (barely alive)
            The sun sucks.
 
    A vulture picks at Beavis' shirt. Beavis SMACKS the vulture.
 
                 BEAVIS
                    (to the vulture)
            Cut it out butt-hole!
 
    The vulture moves revealing a PEYOTE CACTUS. Beavis looks at it.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Hey Butt-Head, isn't there supposed to be
            like, water in cactuses?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (semiconscious)
            Uh...
 
    Beavis takes a bite of the cactus, chews and then coughs.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
                    (sees something)
            Hey Beavis, check it out.
 
    IN FRONT OF B&B: Two vultures start humping.
 
                 B&B
                    (struggling to laugh)
            Huh huh huh (cough) huh huh (cough).
 
 
 EXT.  ROADBLOCK - DAY
 
    START ON SUN - over B&B?
 
    REVEAL it's over Muddy who looks at a picture of B&B held by an 
    A.T.F. agent.
 
                 MUDDY
            No, I can't say I've seen 'em. I sure hope
            it's safe to drive around here.
 
                 COP
            Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main
            roads. If they're around, they're probably
            hiding out in the desert.
 
                 MUDDY
            That's good to know, Officer.
 
    Muddy takes off with a smile and turns off onto a side road.
 
 
 EXT.  DESERT - LATER
 
    B&B barely crawling forward. Butt-Head stops, then Beavis. They're 
    barely able to talk.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey Butt-Head, are we gonna die?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, probably, huh huh...Whoa, I think my
            life is like, flashing in front of my
            eyes!
 
    BUTT-HEAD'S VISION. Through time-lapse dissolves we see him 
    sitting on his couch with Beavis, laughing like an idiot in the 
    exact same positions at age 2, 5, 7, 10, 13.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Whoa, my life is cool!
 
 TIGHT ON BEAVIS:
 
                 BEAVIS
            Uh... I think I'm seeing something too.
            It's like a really long time ago...
 
    BEAVIS' VISION: Beavis as a sperm cell swimming through a uterus. 
    It's a sperm cell with the face of Beavis on it.
 
                 BEAVIS/SPERM
            Yeah, heh heh. This is gonna be cool.
 
    Beavis/Sperm swims over to the egg.
 
    With its own tail the Beavis/Sperm starts picking its nose.
 
                 BEAVIS/SPERM (CONT.)
            Hey, how's it goin'? Heh heh heh.
 
    Several other sperm charge in, knocking Beavis into the egg. His 
    conception looks like a dumb accident.
 
 BACK ON BEAVIS:
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh I scored.
 
    Animated bubbles appear around Beavis' head.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Hey Butt-Head, I'm starting to feel weird.
            I think I'm freaking out.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh? Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Whoa, this is cool! Heh heh. It's like,
            everything looks all weird and...
 
    BEAVIS' P.O.V. OF BUTT-HEAD: His face starts to warp and colors 
    start shifting.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            ...and... Whoa!...and it's like there's
            all these weird shapes and it's sort of
            like,...it's like...like a MUSIC VIDEO!!!
 
    Tight on Beavis' face staring in wonder.
 
    THIS IS WHERE THE MUSIC VIDEO/HALLUCINATION SEQUENCE BEGINS. It 
    could even be so shameless as to actually have a chyron in the 
    lower left hand corner.
 
    I would like to have a band (White Zombie?) do a version of 
    something like, "Fire," by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. This 
    is the song that begins, "I am God of Hellfire and I bring you... 
    fire!"
 
    The concept of this will depend somewhat on which band we get, but 
    I would like to see it get pretty wild and surreal. (If it's White 
    Zombie, we could incorporate some of Rob Zombie's artwork.)
 
 BEAVIS' P.O.V.:
 
    We see the sun above the horizon turn into a giant ball of fire. 
    The ball of fire develops a face and speaks.
 
                 FIRE
            I am God of Hellfire and I bring
            you...(music begins) Fire...
 
                 BEAVIS
            Whoa!!! This kicks ass!!!
 
    THIS IS THE GREATEST VIDEO BEAVIS HAS EVER SEEN. Out of the ball 
    of fire steps a beautiful woman in a bikini.
 
    At first the video is mostly the God of Hellfire, chicks in 
    bikinis and various images of B&B's TV in all its glory.
 
    As the video/hallucination continues, it becomes a psychotic mass 
    of naked people, fire, TVs, vultures, B&B head-banging, weird 
    stuff from my high school notebooks, etc.
 
    At one point we see the God of Hellfire in a Burger World uniform.
 
    As the song winds down, we incorporate Muddy's car into the 
    surreal imagery. (We should also incorporate their TV, as well as 
    maybe some of the characters from the show that aren't in the 
    movie.)
 
    Then, we REVEAL Muddy's car actually pulling up to B&B's near-dead 
    bodies.
 
    The SONG ENDS as Muddy tosses water on B&B. REVEAL they were not 
    far from the side of a road all along.
 
                 B&B
            Ahhhhghhhhgh!
 
    B&B snap out of it. They rise and find Muddy hovering over them 
    with a shotgun.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Aagh! I'm all wet!...(realizing) Oh, cool.
            Heh heh heh. Water.
 
    Muddy aims his shotgun at B&B.
 
                 MUDDY
            Ah'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words
            b'fore ah kill ya?
 
    B&B think.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... Huh huh. I have a couple. Butt
            cheeks, huh huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah! Boobs. Heh heh. I just wanna say
            that again. Boobs. Heh heh.
 
                 MUDDY
            Ah'm gonna blow you both to hell!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cool, huh huh. (realizing) Hey Beavis
            that's that dude that's paying us to do
            his wife.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Oh yeah. Can you just take us to
            Washington? We're gonna meet her there
            and, you know, heh heh hmmm...
 
                 MUDDY
            Washington! That's where she was gonna
            meet up with ya? (realizes) Damn, she's
            goin' all the way!
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    Muddy lowers the gun a bit.
 
                 MUDDY
            You know, I just might need you after all.
            Aw right, in the trunk. You're gonna help
            me get mah unit back.
 
    Muddy pops it open. B&B climb in. Muddy closes the trunk on them 
    and walks to the front of the car. HOLD ON THE TRUNK.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
            Boy, it sure is hard to score. Huh huh
            huh.
 
    Muddy peels out.
 
 
 EXT.  HIGHWAY - DAY
 
 A MONTAGE SONG BEGINS.
 
    Muddy drives by.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Santa Fe.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT.  HIGHWAY - DAY
 
    Muddy's car drives by. Muddy hears B&B laugh from inside the trunk 
    and turns up the radio to drown it out.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Oklahoma City.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT.  GAS STATION - DAY
 
    Muddy pumps gas. From inside the trunk:
 
                 BEAVIS (O.C.)
            Hey Butt-Head, look. A jack. Heh heh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (O.C.)
            Huh huh. Jack. Huh huh.
 
    INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Little Rock, Nashville 
    and into Virginia up Rt. 81.
 
 
 EXT.  MUDDY'S CAR DRIVING ON HIGHWAY - DAY
 
    ANGLE OUTSIDE MUDDY'S TRUNK. From within we hear:
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (O.C.)
            Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking
            off!
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    Pumping up the jack, they cause the lid of the trunk to start to 
    bend.
 
    Suddenly, it pops open. B&B are a sweaty mess. They gasp.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            This sucks. Let's get outta here.
 
    They look out. The road behind them races past at 80 mph. Beavis 
    stares dumbly.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Uh, you first.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            C'mon, Beavis, just start running really
            fast when you hit the ground. It'll work.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Okay. I'll go right after you.
 
    Butt-Head shoves Beavis out of the car.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Ahhhhghghhghghgh!
 
    Beavis tries to run, but hits the road and flips over and over - 
    and smashes his butt.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Owwwwww, my butt!!!!!!
 
    His body stops in the middle of the road. A huge truck, about to 
    hit him, swerves and jackknifes over the side.
 
    Behind the truck, several cars screech to a halt, one smashing 
    into the other.
 
 ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TRUNK
 
    Butt-Head looks at the road.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
    ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TIRE. It hits a pothole.
 
    ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, shooting out of the trunk, he grabs onto the 
    lid. He bounces against the road again and again.
 
    Finally, he loses his grip as the lid to the trunk closes.
 
    ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, rolling along the highway.
 
    A car, about to hit Butt-Head, screeches to a halt. Other cars 
    behind it smash and pile up.
 
    ANGLE ON ROAD SOME WAYS BACK. On Tom and Marcy in their car.
 
                 TOM
            Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes
            alone with them two little bastards...
 
    The car ahead of Tom crashes into the car ahead of that. Tom 
    crashes into it. And the car behind crashes into Tom.
 
    OVERHEAD ANGLE shows cars and trucks behind, crashing, piling up. 
    A massive pile-up.
 
 
 INT.  MUDDY'S CAR - DAY
 
    Muddy doesn't notice the mess behind him. He drives on.
 
 MONTAGE SONG ENDS
 
 
 EXT.  HIGHWAY - DAY
 
 LATER.
 
    ON MEDIVAC helicopters; one landing, another taking off.
 
    MOVE TO WOMAN TV REPORTER, talking to camera:
 
                 REPORTER
            Authorities are calling this the worst
            highway disaster in the nation's
            history...
 
 
 INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DAY
 
    Flemming, Bork, and about six other agents look at a map. Behind 
    them, a TV is on with the reporter continuing. Behind the 
    reporter, B&B poke their heads into frame at 45 degree angles, 
    looking like deer in the headlights.
 
                 REPORTER (CONT.)
            ... Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay
            wrecked or stuck. No one knows what caused
            it, but police have not ruled out the
            possibility of terrorists.
 
    Bork notices B&B on TV and taps Flemming on the shoulder. Flemming 
    looks.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
 
                 BORK
                    (despairing)
            Where did these guys come from?
 
    Flemming looks at the big map which traces sightings of B&B across 
    America.
 
                 FLEMMING
            The question is, where are they going.
 
    He looks again at the TV. On the news, a story about...
 
                 REPORTER 2
            ...set for 5:00 tomorrow when
            representatives from around the world will
            meet in Washington for the first such
            peace conference...
 
    Flemming looks back at the map, and then back at the TV.
 
                 FLEMMING
            What the hell...? Bork! That bus we picked
            up. Where was it headin'?
 
                 BORK
                    (checks papers)
            D.C., Chief.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (realizing)
            Jesus jumped-up... Bork, can you imagine
            what would happen if they set that thing
            off in our nation's capital, or even
            worse, if they sold it to some damned
            foreigner at that conference. (rises and
            puts his fist down) Well, it's not gonna
            happen!
 
 
 EXT.  HIGHWAY/CRASH SITE - DAY
 
    B&B walk along looking at the wreckage.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Whoa, this kicks ass! Huh huh huh.
 
                 MARTHA (O.S.)
            Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head. Whoo-hoo!
 
    The tour bus stands nearby. Martha calls from the window.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey Butt-Head it's that chick!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, oh yeah. Cool. They can take us to
            Washington and we can finally score.
 
    B&B head into the bus.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, heh heh. Umm, isn't Seattle in
            Washington? Heh heh... 'cuz I was
            thinking maybe we could go see Hole.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Yeah. We can go see Hole and then we can
            get some hole. Huh huh huh huh.
 
    INSERT: MAP. The RED LINE snakes right up to D.C.
 
 
 INT/EXT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
 INTERCUT BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:
 
 ANGLE ON THE LINCOLN MONUMENT.
 
    ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. Several seniors press their faces to see.
 
 ANGLE ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
 
    ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. More seniors rush to the window to see.
 
 ANGLE ON THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
 
    ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. B&B press their bare asses.
 
 
 EXT.  CAPITOL - DAY
 
    The seniors and B&B get off the bus.
 
    As soon as they're out of sight, Dallas drives up and sees the 
    Tour Bus. She smiles to herself.
 
 
 INT.  CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
 
    Dark. Isolated.
 
    Dallas pulls up and gets out of her car. Suddenly, a voice:
 
                 VOICE/MUDDY
            'Spectin' someone?
 
    Dallas wheels around. Muddy's got a gun on her.
 
                 MUDDY (CONT.)
            Well, well. Look at this. The love of my
            life. Where have you been?
 
    Muddy moves towards Dallas. She steps back.
 
                 DALLAS
            Honey, I was gonna split it with you after
            I sold it, right down the middle. I swear.
            I just...
 
                 MUDDY
            Sure you were. But now you don't have to
            go through all that bother.
 
    Dallas moves seductively towards Muddy.
 
                 DALLAS
            Come on Muddy. Whatd'ya say we just
            forget about it and go get a room like old
            times...
 
    Muddy cocks his gun.
 
                 MUDDY
            I don't think so. Where is it?
 
 
 INT.  CAPITOL - DAY
 
    B&B walk up to the information booth where a HOST makes an 
    announcement.
 
                 HOST
                    (announces)
            All Senators are requested for a vote. All
            Senators are requested for a vote.
 
    A bell accompanies this announcement.
 
                 HOST (CONT.)
                    (to B&B)
            Can I help you?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, we're looking for Washington.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh. We're gonna meet this chick with
            really big hooters.
 
                 HOST
            Sirs, you are in Washington.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Well where is she?!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Could you, like, tell her we're ready to
            score?
 
                 HOST
            No! Just a moment...
 
    She turns to the side to answer the phone.
 
 
 INT.  CAPITOL/PRIVATE PANEL ROOM - DAY
 
    Six Senators sit behind a panel. BOB PACKWOOD testifies across 
    from them.
 
                 SENATOR
            Thank you for returning, Senator Packwood,
            to help us understand how sexual
            harassment happens in this sacred
            institution.
 
    Suddenly, SOUND OF BUTT-HEAD over the PA.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (V.O.)
            Uh... Attention, attention! We're looking
            for that chick with the big boobs.
 
                 BEAVIS (V.O.)
            Heh heh. We wanna do her now!
 
                 HOST (V.O.)
            Hey! Gimme tha...
 
                 B&B (V.O.)
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
    ANGLE ON PACKWOOD - smiles.
 
                 PACKWOOD
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
 
 INT.  CAPITOL/SENATE - DAY
 
    Classic wide, overhead shot. SOUND of all Senators.
 
                 SENATORS
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
 
 INT.  CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
 
    Muddy finishes tying Dallas' hands behind her back. He crosses to 
    his trunk.
 
                 MUDDY
            You forgot who yer dealin' with, Honey. Ya
            see, I got your mules right here in my
            trunk and...
 
    Muddy pops the trunk. It's empty.
 
                 MUDDY (CONT.)
            Say what?... I'm gonna kill 'em!!!
 
                 DALLAS
            No honey we're gonna kill 'em.
 
    Dallas, still tied up, starts kissing Muddy. He gives in.
 
 
 EXT.  CAPITOL - DAY
 
    ANGLE ON B&B getting on the bus last.
 
 
 INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    Butt-Head sits. Beavis pauses, still standing.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey wait a minute. What's going on? Why
            are we getting back on the bus?
 
                 OLD GUY
            It's time to go son.
 
                 BEAVIS
            We can't leave! We never met that chick!
            Dammit!!! We were supposed to get some!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. Settle down Beavis.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Oh yeah,...I mean no. NO! I won't settle
            down! Not this time!...
 
    Beavis is shaking, fed up. He delivers the speech of his life.
 
                 BEAVIS (CONT.)
            Dammit, this always happens! I think I'm
            gonna score and then I never score! It's
            not fair! We've traveled a hundred miles
            'cause we thought we were gonna score, but
            now it's not gonna happen!
 
                 BUS DRIVER
                    (yelling from his seat)
            Hey buddy, sit down! Now!
 
                 BEAVIS
            SHUT UP! (continuing) I'm sick and tired
            of this! We're never gonna score! It's
            just not gonna happen! We're just gonna
            get old like these people, but they've
            probably scored!
 
                 BUS DRIVER
                    (standing)
            Hey! I'm warning you! Sit down!
 
                 BEAVIS
            It's like this chick's a slut (motioning
            to Martha)... and look at this guy!...
            He's old but he's probably scored a
            million times!
 
                 OLD GUY
                    (nods in agreement)
            Ohh yeah.
 
                 BEAVIS
            But not us! We're never gonna score! WE'RE
         NEVER GONNA SCORE!!! AAGGHHHH!!!
 
    The bus driver tackles Beavis.
 
 
 INT.  CAPITOL/PARKING GARAGE/MUDDY'S CAR - DAY
 
    In a tight shot, we see Muddy and Dallas humping away in the back 
    seat (in a PG-13 kind of way).
 
    We hear the sound of a door opening.
 
 ANGLE ON FLEMMING, BORK AND SEVERAL AGENTS LOOKING DOWN.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Well look what we have here. You two make
            me sick... Book 'em Bork.
 
                 DALLAS
            You don't have anything on us and you know
            it.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Oh I don't huh? How about lewd conduct?
            Maybe indecent exposure?...
            Here's what's gonna happen. One of you's
            gonna make a deal and get me the unit. The
            other can spend the next sixty years in
            jail.
 
                 MUDDY
            There you're wrong, boy. Me and mah wife
            are back together and you'll never...
 
                 DALLAS
            He stole the unit. Said he put it in some
            kid's pants.
 
                 MUDDY
            Why you damn little...
 
    He's cuffed and dragged away.
 
 
 INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
 
    The driver sits down and drives on.
 
    Beavis is slightly beat up. Martha reaches into her purse, filled 
    with prescription medications.
 
                 MARTHA
            Now Travis, it doesn't do a body good to
            get all worked up. Here. This should help
            you relax.
 
    She holds up a box of NoDrowz and squints at the label.
 
                 MARTHA
            Does that say Xanax?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Um, um, yeah, probably. Heh heh.
 
    Beavis takes a couple, then starts wolfing down the whole box.
 
 
 INT.  FLEMMING'S CAR - DAY
 
    Flemming's on the radio. Bork checks a tour guide.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (to radio)
            Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on
            a tour bus we believe to be headed for...
            (checks papers) the White House! Jumpin'
            Jesus! I want everyone there. Our people.
            Locals. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat!
            Shoot to kill!
 
                 BORK
            Chief, I swear, we tore that bus apart.
            They couldn't have...
 
                 FLEMMING
            Bork, when this is all over, remind me to
            make you an appointment with Agent Hurley.
 
 
 EXT.  STREETS OF WASHINGTON - DAY
 
    All manner of police, A.T.F., F.B.I. cars speed along.
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE/TOURIST PARKING LOT - DAY
 
    B&B and the seniors walk from the bus to the White House. Beavis 
    is starting to shake as he finishes off the NoDrowz.
 
    NEARBY, Anderson's camper pulls up.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    The seniors and B&B are being led on a tour. B&B in back. Beavis 
    is starting to SHAKE AND MAKE STRANGE NOISES.
 
    As the tour moves on, Beavis stays behind. He goes over to a 
    coffee-serving cart sitting outside a meeting room. He starts 
 WOLFING DOWN SUGAR CUBES.
 
 BACK ON THE TOUR:
 
    The tour is led by a smiling guide, SANDY.
 
                 SANDY
            Welcome to the White House. My name is
            Sandy, and I'll be your tour guide. In
            case you don't know it, you've come on a
            very special day. Today...
 
    She points to the camera crews outside the window.
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE LAWN - DAY
 
    ON A NEWS REPORTER, facing camera. Behind her, a large gathering 
    before a stage.
 
                 REPORTER
            Today, representatives from around the
            world are gathered at the White House for
            an historic global conference called: Give
            Peace A Chance - or G-PAC.
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE - DAY
 
    A.T.F., Police and F.B.I. cars arrive.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY
 
    The tour stands in the East Room.
 
                 SANDY
            This is the East Room. Many of the
            portraits you see were saved from the fire
            set by the British in 1814...
 
    Beavis is shaking, babbling, staring at his fist, etc.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh. Fire. Heh heh Aaaaeeehhhhg!!!
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            What's your problem Beavis?
 
                 SANDY
            ...The site for the White House was chosen
            by President Washington and Pierre
            L'Enfant...
 
    Beavis now has his T-shirt pulled over his head and is pacing 
    around and babbling. He's too loud now for Sandy to ignore.
 
                 BEAVIS
            L'enfentatta tiitatta for my bunghole!
 
                 SANDY
            Sir, are you okay?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Are you threatening me?! I am Cornholio!
 
                 SANDY
            Sir, maybe you should wait out in the
            lobby.
 
    Beavis/Cornholio wanders off, muttering.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            In thees lobby, wheel there be T.P.?
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    ON FLEMMING AND THE HEAD SECRET SERVICE GUY - arguing.
 
                 FLEMMING
            You don't understand. National security is
            at stake here. We must evacuate.
 
                 SECRET SERVICE GUY
            Not without proper authorization.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    A group of foreign dignitaries is being led through the hallway on 
    a tour. Two of them chat in Spanish.
 
    We see Beavis coming down the hall in the opposite direction.
 
                 DIGNITARY #1
            El Presidente es un gringo muy gordo, no?
 
                 DIGNITARY #2
            Si.
 
    They pass Beavis babbling - riffing off their Spanish.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Gr-r-ringo! Burrito! R-r-anddatattta!!
 
    Beavis turns around and stops.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
            I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my
            bunghole! Heh heh heh.
 
    The group continues down the hall, ignoring Beavis.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
                    (humble)
            Would you like to see my bunghole?
 
    Beavis leaves.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY
 
    Tom and Marcy Anderson gaze at a portrait of Eisenhower.
 
                 TOM
                    (sotto)
            Where are ya when we need ya Ike... (to
            Marcy) I tell ya what, Honey, with all we
            been through, it don't change a thing. I
            said it before and I'll say it again. This
            is the greatest country on earth...
 
    Beavis/Cornholio wanders by behind them. Tom turns to look.
 
    TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see Beavis/Cornholio wander down the hall 
 BABBLING.
 
                 TOM
                    (adjusting his glasses)
            Say, that looks like... Nah, it couldn't
            be.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE/ANOTHER PART OF THE HALLWAY - DAY
 
    Beavis comes around a corner and stops at a portrait of Nixon.
 
    ANGLE ON PORTRAIT. Nixon doing classic victory pose - peace signs 
    with both hands up.
 
    ANGLE ON BEAVIS. His hands also up in the Cornholio pose. He 
    stares for a beat, then:
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Are you threatening me?!... I am
            Cornholio!
 
    Beavis wanders off.
 
 
 INT.  PRESS ROOM - DAY
 
    The press secretary is giving a conference. The room is packed 
    with reporters.
 
                 PRESS SECRETARY
            Yes, the president does plan to speak
            today at the G-PAC conference.
 
                 REPORTERS
                    (raising hands)
            Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary! What about
            the rumors that a biological weapon has
            been stolen and smuggled out of the
            country at this conference. Mr. Secretary!
 
                 SECRETARY
            Those rumors are entirely unfounded...
 
    While this goes on: Through a doorway in the back of the room, we 
    see Beavis wander out of frame and then come back in.
 
    He starts WOLFING DOWN MORE SUGAR CUBES from a coffee serving 
    cart.
 
                 BEAVIS
            I am the great Cornholio. I am a gringo...
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
 IN MONTAGE SHOTS:
 
    A.T.F. and Secret Service agents argue.
 
    Several S.W.A.T. trucks pull up.
 
    S.W.A.T. team guys jump out of trucks and load guns.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY
 
    The tour stands in a giant, elegant dining room.
 
                 SANDY
            This is the State Dining Room where the
            most powerful world leaders are
            entertained.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, where's the TV? Huh huh huh. Hey
            Beavis,... Beavis?
 
    Butt-Head wanders off.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            This house sucks.
 
 
 INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF OVAL OFFICE - DAY
 
    A Secret Service guard is talking on radio/phone.
 
                 GUARD
            Evacuation?... Probably just another bomb
            threat or something... OK.
 
    The guard walks off down the hallway, leaving his post.
 
    From the other end of the hallway we see Beavis/Cornholio enter, 
    still babbling.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
 
    Beavis wanders in and finds no one around. He shouts in 
    frustration.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            I am the great Cornholio! Heh heh. You
            will cooperate with my bunghole!
 
    He picks up the red phone and presses the button again and again.
 
 
 INT.  STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY
 
    The war room. A LIEUTENANT picks up the red phone.
 
 A TITLE COMES UP: STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND.
 
                 LIEUTENANT
            Yes, Mr. President.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
                    (on phone)
            I am Meester President! I have no
            bunghole! I am Cornholio!
 
                 LIEUTENANT
            Mr. President, I can't make out what
            you're saying.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
                    (on phone)
            Bungholio! Presidente! I need teepee!
 
    A GENERAL comes by.
 
                 LIEUTENANT
                    (to general)
            Sir, the President sounds strange.
            Something's going on. I don't think it's a
            drill.
 
                 GENERAL
            Washington may be under attack. Go to
            Defcon 4.
 
    ANGLE ON LIEUTENANT'S HAND, moving to push a button. Alarms sound.
 
    ANGLE ON BIG MAP. A sign flashes: DEFCON 4. Soldiers run through 
    frame.
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    The seniors, along with other tourists and dignitaries are 
    escorted out of the building.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR - DAY
 
    A.T.F. agents rush by. We HOLD here after they go. Butt-Head walks 
    by, unaware.
 
    Butt-Head walks around and opens a door. The door to CHELSEA 
    CLINTON'S room.
 
    Inside, she's folding clothes. (NOTE: If Clinton is not reelected, 
    the shot will be wider, revealing she's packing a suitcase)
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (excited)
            Whoa! Huh huh uh,... (suave) Hey, baby.
            Huh huh, I noticed you have braces. So do
            I, huh huh.
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    We HOLD ON A WIDE SHOT of the back of the White House for a beat. 
    Then:
 
    We see Butt-Head come CRASHING out of a second-story window - 
    thrown by Chelsea. He lands deep in the bushes below.
 
    ANGLE ON the bushes.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. That was cool.
 
    We see Butt-Head slowly emerge from the bushes. He looks up, 
    suddenly seeing:
 
    DOZENS OF A.T.F. AGENTS surround him, rifles trained.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (awestruck)
            This is the coolest thing I have ever
            seen.
 
    Flemming steps up.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Alright, where's the unit?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, in my pants?
 
    Bork and others quickly frisk Butt-head.
 
                 BORK
            Not on him, Chief.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Agent Hurley...
 
    Hurley steps forward.
 
                 FLEMMING (CONT.)
            ... I want you to give this scumbag a
            cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter.
            Don't stop 'till you reach the back of his
            teeth.
 
    Butt-Head is led away.
 
 
 INT.  OVAL OFFICE - DAY
 
    Beavis is on the red phone. He goes through the President's 
    drawers.
 
                 LIEUTENANT
                    (on phone)
            Mr. President, the bombers are scrambled.
            Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            I order you to surrender your T.P.!
 
 
 INT.  STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY
 
    The General grabs the phone from the Lieutenant.
 
                 GENERAL
            Gimme that! (to phone) Mr. President, in
            the name of all that is holy, I must have
            those launch codes!
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
                    (on phone)
            Are you threatening me? Bungholio!
 
    Click. Beavis hangs up.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
 
    Beavis walks out of the Oval Office.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Presidente Bungholio! You will cooperate
            with my bunghole!
 
 
 INT.  A.T.F. VAN - DAY
 
    Hurley steps out of a van to speak with Flemming and Bork. She 
    pulls off a LONG GLOVE that goes almost to her shoulder.
 
    Butt-Head sits, disheveled.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh, did I just score?
 
                 HURLEY
            He's clean, chief.
 
                 FLEMMING
            The other guy must have it. He's gotta be
            in here somewhere. (re: Butt-Head) Bring
            him.
 
    Flemming, Bork and the other agents take off.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    In the main reception area, Beavis is surrounded by a few FOREIGN 
    DIGNITARIES who try to make sense of what he is saying.
 
                 DIGNITARY #1
            Que es un "bunghole"? Que lengua es?
            Arabigo?
 
                 DIGNITARY #2
            De donde eres tu?
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Arabigo? I am the Great Cornholio. I have
            no bunghole. Where I come from there is no
         T.P.
 
    A White House representative comes up. He assumes Beavis is with 
    the dignitaries.
 
                 REPRESENTATIVE
            I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience
            gentlemen, but we're going to have
            outside for a moment. Follow me please.
 
    He leads them out, including Beavis who continues to babble.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            You can run but you cannot hide from the
            Almighty Bunghole! Heh heh hmm.
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    Beavis/Cornholio and the dignitaries are escorted out. Beavis, 
    unnoticed, keeps walking.
 
    Beavis, walking along stops. He sees something.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Aaaaahh...
 
    ON BEAVIS' P.O.V. across the street, we see what Beavis is looking 
    at:
 
 ANDERSON'S CAMPER.
 
    ANGLE ON BEAVIS. He takes the picture of Dallas out of his pocket.
 
    TIGHT ON the picture of Dallas.
 
    TIGHT ON Anderson's camper.
 
    TIGHT ON Beavis.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
            Aaaahh, heh heh...
 
    Beavis looks alternately at the camper and the picture a couple of 
    times, and then walks across the street.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
            Booiiing! Ptang ptang! Wagh-hah!!!
 
    Beavis goes into Anderson's camper and shuts the door.
 
    A Secret Service agent walks by, just missing Beavis.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY
 
    Tom and Marcy enjoying a moment.
 
                 TOM
            Boy I tell ya what, it really makes ya
            proud. I could stay here all day.
 
    An A.T.F. agent comes up and interrupts Tom.
 
                 AGENT
            Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave...
 
                 TOM
            Now wait just a minute...
 
                 AGENT
            Now!
 
    NEARBY, Flemming and Bork are showing the police sketch of 
    Cornholio to Sandy and questioning her.
 
    Bork sees Anderson walk by from a distance.
 
                 BORK
            Say chief, isn't that guy whose
            camper,...I mean, off in whose...
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (irritated)
            Not now Bork.
 
 
 EXT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY
 
    From inside the camper we hear THE STRANGEST CORNHOLIO SOUNDS YET.
 
    ANGLE ON the front of the camper. Tom and Marcy walk up.
 
                 TOM
            I tell ya what honey, this country's goin'
            to Hell in a handbasket.
 
    They get in the front. Tom adjusts the side-view mirror.
 
                 TOM (CONT.)
            I'm gonna go over right now and talk to my
            Congressman about this...
 
    TOM'S P.O.V.: In the side-view mirror we see the camper SHAKING 
    and hear Beavis/Cornholio.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (O.S.)
            Ooooaaaaaghhh!!! Whack-awhack-aaaaghh!!!
 
                 TOM
            What the hell?...Wait here a minute...
 
    Tom gets out and goes into the camper.
 
 HOLD ON THE CAMPER DOOR.
 
    Tom throws Beavis/Cornholio out the door. Beavis is in his 
    underwear with his T-shirt still pulled over his head.
 
                 TOM (CONT.)
            And if I ever catch ya whackin' in here
            again I'm gonna hog-tie ya! (to himself)
            Now I gotta straighten up in here.
 
    Tom goes back in the camper.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            You have offended my bunghole!
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    Bork reports to Flemming. Butt-Head is held by two agents.
 
                 BORK
            We just cleared all four floors. No sign
            of him.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Damn! Where the hell is he? We should've
            found him by now.
 
    Bork sees something. It's Beavis, about a hundred yards away.
 
                 BORK
            Chief, look!
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (picks up radio)
            Attention all units. We've got him. He's
            in front of a camper in the visitor's lot.
 
 
 EXT.  OUTSIDE ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY
 
    Beavis stands, T-shirt still over his head. Suddenly, dozens of 
    agents surround him, pointing guns at him. Beavis seems oblivious 
    to the danger.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            I am the great Cornholio! I will lay waste
            to your bunghole! Heh heh.
 
    BEHIND THE AGENTS, Flemming approaches and gives orders.
 
                 FLEMMING
            OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the
            unit on him. Keep your distance. We don't
            wanna take a chance on hitting it.
 
                 BORK
            Where are his pants?
 
                 FLEMMING
            Who knows?
 
    Beavis reaches to scratch his butt. Agents step back, cautious.
 
    Flemming picks up a bullhorn and addresses Beavis.
 
                 FLEMMING (CONT.)
            This is Agent Flemming, A.T.F.. We won't
            hurt you. We just want the unit. Tell us
            where the unit is.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Do you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole?
 
                 FLEMMING
            We'll get you whatever you want. (to
            agents) Get that other kid. We might need
            him.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Do you have any oleo? Heh heh.
 
                 BORK
                    (on a radio)
            This is Bork. We need some T.P. and
            some...(to Flemming) What's he say?
 
    ANGLE BEHIND AGENTS. Butt-Head is brought in by two agents.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Whoa, this rules! Can I have a gun too?
            Huh huh huh.
 
    ON BEAVIS. He continues to babble, making the agents nervous.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            You must bow down to the Almighty
            Bunghole. (Beavis) Heh heh, this is cool.
            (Cornholio, chanting) Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o!
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (to Bork)
            He's jerkin' us off. I think we're gonna
            have to take him out. Get ready to fire on
            my orders... (on bullhorn) This is your
            last chance. Give us the unit now...
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            (Beavis) Why does everyone wanna see my
            schlong? (Cornholio, chanting) I am the
            one-and-only-almighty-bungholiooo!
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (to agents)
            OK boys. Get ready to fire on the count of
            three. (on bullhorn) I'm gonna give you
            three seconds...
 
    ANGLE ON AGENTS taking aim, cocking their guns.
 
                 FLEMMING (CONT.)
                    (on bullhorn)
            One...
 
    ANGLE ON BEAVIS, chanting.
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            Cornholio-o-o-o-o...
 
 ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, huh huh huh.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (on bullhorn)
            ...Two...
 
                 BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
            ...o-o-o-eieee-ooooeeeooooo...
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (on bullhorn)
            Thrr...
 
    Suddenly Tom Anderson throws open his camper door, holding Beavis' 
    pants.
 
                 TOM
            And take yer damn pants with ya...!
            (noticing) What in the hell...?
 
                 BORK
                    (pointing)
            THE PANTS!!! He's got the unit!
 
    Suddenly all guns are on Anderson.
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (through bullhorn)
            Drop the pants! Now!
 
                 TOM
            Wait a minute. I ain't the one...
 
 IN SLOW MOTION:
 
    A S.W.A.T. TEAM GUY lunges at Tom, grabbing the pants.
 
    Tom pulls away, causing the pants to RIP. THE UNIT GOES FLYING.
 
 A FROZEN MOMENT. SLOW MOTION.
 
 TIGHT ON THE UNIT.
 
 TIGHT ON FACES IN THE CROWD.
 
 TIGHT ON THE UNIT.
 
 TIGHT ON FLEMMING.
 
 TIGHT ON BUTT-HEAD, LAUGHING IN SLOW MOTION - OBLIVIOUS.
 
 TIGHT ON THE UNIT, FALLING, FALLING.
 
 IT HITS BUTT-HEAD'S HEAD, BOUNCES AND FALLS INTO HIS HANDS.
 
    The agents all stare at Butt-Head - quiet, not sure what to do.
 
    Butt-Head hands it to Flemming, nonchalant.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, here ya go. Huh huh huh.
 
    The crowd CHEERS.
 
 ON ANDERSON'S CAMPER.
 
    Tom is handcuffed roughly.
 
                 TOM
            Now wait just a minute...
 
    An agent comes out of the camper with the picture of Dallas. Bork 
    grabs it and shows it to Tom.
 
                 BORK
            How do you explain this?
 
    Flemming approaches Tom.
 
                 FLEMMING
            Sooo, using two innocent teenagers as
            pawns in your sick game, huh?
 
                 TOM
            I don't know what the hell...
 
                 FLEMMING
                    (disgusted)
            Take him away.
 
    Anderson is dragged away past a group of young, boy-scout types 
    who shake their heads in shame.
 
    ANGLE ON Beavis and Butt-head being interviewed by a reporter. 
    Beavis is in his underwear. Tom is being dragged away in the 
    background.
 
                 BEAVIS
            I always thought there was something wrong
            with him. Heh heh heh.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Yeah, he had a lot of problems. Huh huh
            huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, and um, he used to hit me too.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
                    (leaning towards camera)
            Uh hey, does anyone wanna see my unit?
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
 
 DISSOLVE TO:
 
 
 EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
 
    Later. Establish. Most A.T.F. cars are pulling out.
 
 
 INT.  WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
 
    B&B sit as Flemming paces in front of them. Beavis is no longer 
    Cornholio.
 
                 FLEMMING
            I gotta admit, I didn't believe it. I
            thought you were scum. But you saved more
            lives today than you'll ever know. You led
            us to one of the sickest criminals in our
            history. This country owes you a debt.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, does that mean, like, we're gonna get
            money and stuff?
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, and chicks! We were supposed to
            score.
 
                 FLEMMING
            For security reasons, your actions will
            have to remain top secret. But someone
            very special wants to give his thanks.
 
    Flemming motions to the big chair. The PRESIDENT swivels around 
    and rises to shake hands with B&B.
 
                 PRESIDENT
            Beavis and Butt-Head. On behalf of all
            your fellow Americans, I extend my deepest
            thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of
            young Americans who will grow into the
            leaders of this great country.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Huh huh huh. He said crap. Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh. This guy's cool.
 
                 PRESIDENT
            In recognition for your great service, I'm
            appointing you honorary agents in the
            Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Whoa, huh huh!!!
 
    The President hands them citations.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
            You hear that, Beavis! We're gonna get
            alcohol, tobacco and guns!
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah, maybe some chicks too. Heh heh.
 
    B&B leave the office, muttering.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Cigarettes and beer rule! Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Yeah! We're with the bureau of cigarettes
            and chicks! We're gonna score!
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh huh huh.
 
 
 EXT.  AIRPORT NEAR B&B'S HOMETOWN - DAY
 
    A plane lands.
 
 
 INT.  PLANE/DOOR - DAY
 
    As before, the flight crew stares in horror and silence as B&B 
    deplane.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... bye-bye.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh heh. Bye bye. Heh heh.
 
 
 EXT.  ELITE MOTEL LODGE BAR - DAY
 
    Walking home, B&B pass the motel. They notice the sign for big 
    screen TV. They stop and look at it.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            You know what else sucks? We never even
            got a TV.
 
    ON BEAVIS, seeing something, amazed, ecstatic.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Heh mmm, hey mmm Butt-Head! Look!
 
    Heavenly MUSIC. B&B stare at the wonder before them.
 
    ANGLE ON THEIR TV, mangled, partly-crushed junk.
 
                 B&B
            Yes! Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.
 
    B&B run up to the set like it was their lost and found dog.
 
 
 EXT.  RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
 
    B&B walk off into the distance with the TV.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Hey Butt-Head, do you think we're ever
            gonna score?
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're
            too much of a butt-monkey. Huh huh.
 
                 BEAVIS
            Shut up, dill-hole.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Butt-dumpling...
 
                 BEAVIS
            Turd-burglar...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Dill-wad...
 
                 BEAVIS
            Bunghole...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Butt-snatch...
 
                 BEAVIS
            Um, uh, butt... um, hole. Butt-hole...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... dill, um, face...
 
                 BEAVIS
            Um... ass... head...
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Uh... butt-snatch...
 
                 BEAVIS
            You already said that, Butt-Head.
 
                 BUTT-HEAD
            Oh, uh, I mean, uh, ass-goblin...
 
                 B&B
            Huh huh huh...
 
    B&B head off into the sunset, trading lame insults as we FADE OUT.
 
                     END
 
 
 

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